Truly Awful Music
Parasite Hilton spent the other day tanning her used and bruised ass on some beach. She probably got the bruise from being gang banged by a group of fish in Tokyo. Anyway, Christmas has come early to us! Word around the grapevine is that this piece of trash is quitting music for good. Her debut album bombed on the charts and even giving bjs to millions of dudes didn't work to sell records. Sources at her record company claim she's done.
"You don't need to worry about listening to any more music from Paris - there won't be any. Her career as a singer is going to be allowed to quietly go away."
Merry Christmas to all! Now can they work on making her go away for good?
Paris Hilton, Brooke Hogan and Kellie Pickler did make The Top 10 Used Up Trash list, they made AOL's Best New Artists of 2006. Yeah, AOL actually referred to them as ARTISTS. That just doesn't make sense. Since when does having a computer sing for you make you a music artist? The list is also filled with a bunch of WTFers? This list should be THE WORST MUSIC of 2006.
25. Mario Vazquez
24. Vanessa Hudgens
23. Paris Hilton
22. Lady Sovereign
21. Daniel Powter
20. Brooke Hogan
18. Taylor Swift
17. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
14. Kellie Pickler
12. The Raconteurs
10. Lupe Fiasco
09. KT Tunstall
08. Danity Kane
05. Yung Joc
04. Corinne Bailey Rae
03. The Fray
02. Gnarls Barkley
I have spent most of the afternoon listening to the entire Jordan and Peter Andre album "A Whole New World." On the whole it's not THAT awful. It's just cheesy as a mothafucka. I am featuring one cover that reeks of a Walgreens soundtrack. It's a cover of the Diana Ross & Lionel Richie song "Endless Love." I mean they don't sound that bad, but with all those effects and ghost singers I'm sure any of us would sound good too. Actually, Jordan's vajayjay and Peter's ahole are probably singing it.
Click here if you're having trouble with the player above
Blender Magazine has named Insane Clown Posse as the worst artists ever in music history. The music mag named the worst 50.
Here are some notables:
#3 - Michael Bolton - WHA?! He makes beautiful music!
#5 - Starship - Um..."Built This City" is a masterpiece!
#6 - Kansas - WTF? "Dust in the Wind" is a true inspiration!
#8 - Vanilla Ice - Ok, I agree.
#10 - Air Supply - "All Out of Love" is the theme song to my life!
#11 - Latoya Jackson - Crimey!!!!
#26 - Celine Dion - This must be a mistake!!!!
#27 - Color Me Badd - HEH?! Has Blender lost it? CMB are classic.
Visit Blender to see the entire list. It's kind of sad that half of these artists are probably on my Top 50 BEST list.
Gwen Stefani performed "Wind It Up" for the 12,786th time this week on Saturday Night Live last night. Doesn't she have another song to offer? It gives me a migraine. She looks hot, but homegirl can't dance.
Click here if you can't see video above (although it's probably better that way)
This is the first night of Clay Gayken's Christmas tour in Illinois on December 1st. Fast forward till around 3:30 and listen to Clay's vocal chords basically tell him that it's not going to happen tonight. I'm surprised, because he should be used to opening wide and blowing. He probably had a little jizz ball caught up in there. It happens to the best of us.
Oh Billy Idol! Are you that hard up for cash?! How can he go from "Rebel Yell" to this?! I guess it's not a nice day for a white Christmas. God, that was lame.
Click here to see some other holiday gems from the original meth face.
You know Christmas has arrived when he hear Heidi Klum sing about a Winter Wonderland. Her voice isn't bad, but she should've cast another Santa Clause. Ho looks like he's dying. I'm all for Heidi singing, but what happened to Tyra Banks' singing career? Don't you remember "Shake Ya Body?" Now, that was a classic! These two should do a duet of Aladdin's "A Whole New World."
Baby Spice has a new single and by "new" I mean a cover song of "Downtown." It's truly awful and I'm not sure why she's doing it. The video is also perplexing. She's some maid in a hotel and everytime she sings the "Downtown" part she points to her chocha. Is she trying to make this beloved classic, naughty? No, she's not that smart. Doesn't she kind of look like Twiggy? I'm not talking about young Twiggy either, I'm not talking about old Twiggy.
It's a slow day, so this edition of Truly Awful Music features one of the greatest performances in music history. It comes from one of the contestants of 2003's WB's Superstar USA. This reality show was an anti-American Idol and tricked horrible singers into thinking they were great. Each week the singers painfully sang beloved songs. They didn't know it, but the joke was on them. My favorite contestant was the multi-talented Rosa. She was a girl from Mexico with a big dream. She said she sounded better than JLo and Christina Aguilera. She's kind of right. I mean I know JLo sounds like this without effects. Here's the gorgeous Rosa singing a beautiful song of friendship and love.