Truly Awful Music

I don't care who is in the bottom 3 of American Idol tonight as long as Kristy Lee Cook is finally kicked out the damn door. Last week, she completely butchered a gorgeous Journey song. Last night, she did illicit and terrible things to "8 Days A Week." You know what Kristy, "8 days a week I haaaaaaate you!" This girl is a mass murderess of songs and must be put out of her misery! She is offending America and it must stop already.

I really don't know who else will be in the bottom 3 with Kristy Loves Cock, so I just guessed the stripper and Syesha Mercado. David Hernandez will be in the bottom, because he didn't take his clothes off. Syesha will be, because she went first. I'm probably wrong, but I don't give a fuck as long as Kristy goes home!

Below is her truly horrendous performance and I suggest you send it to all your enemies. It's the worst kind of torture and it will leave them begging for their lives.

Kelly Osbourne performed "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on ITV's "Guilty Pleasures" this past Saturday. The show asks bitches to perform their favorite guilty pleasure song. Kelly was fucking amazing. She has the voice of a thousand angels wrapped up in a cashmere blanket. I want to burn the song into special earphones and have these earphones surgically implanted into my ears, so I can listen to her song 24 hours a day. I'm just licking your butt lips. She fucking sucked.

They need to ban that song from karaoke bars too. Every time I go to karaoke there is one drunk ass college bitch that has to butcher the fuck out of that song. She's usually had three too many Long Island Iced teas. It's even worse when her friends join in and it's like a drunk slut chorus.

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Add Keira Knightley to the growing list of bitches who just don't know their place. KK has announced that she will sing several songs for her new movie "The Edge of Love." KK said the soundtrack album will feature her singing 'Blue Tahitian Moon', 'Maybe It's Because I Love You Too Much' and 'Drifting And Dreaming'. Hand me my ear and nose plugs. I need the nose plugs just in case her stank singing has a scent which I'm sure it does.

KK said, "I can't really sing. I had to have a few lessons, but once I started doing it, a sound emerged that wasn't too disagreeable."

Riddle me this. If you really can't sing, shouldn't you not sing in public for money?! I know it's a stupid question, because if that was the case our radio stations would be empty of music.

Disagreeable sounds coming out of you are usually called farts and burps not singing. KK should name her album "Fart Sounds." Furthermore, bitch can't act! KK, let's conquer one talent before trying another.

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Because I haven't tortured you enough with Britney and Heidi's duet, here's Madonna's new song with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. The full song leaked to French radio this past weekend and now it's on the Internet. I hope for her sake this is a major rough cut. I'm not even joking when I say it's hurting my fucking ears. I'd rather listen to Paula Abdul's "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow" over and over again than listen to this shit one more time.

I mean, does anybody even sing anymore? Madonna probably goes in the studio for 10-minutes, sings a few lines and then a computer does the rest of the work. Horrid.

Oh Madonna, please go back to singing about pink elephants and lemonade.

Click here to listen to "4 Minutes to Save the World" if you care

Thanks Renee

Ryan Seacrest just played a duet between Heidi Montag and Britney Spears on his KIIS-FM radio show. The song is called "Dramatic" and this is not a joke. Britney's mental condition is worse than I thought! Dueting with Heidi Montag?

I have no idea what the hell they are saying in the song, because it's all just heavy breathing. They are having a breath-off. It could have been worse. At least KFed and Spencer Pratt aren't rapping in it. That's probably for the remix.

I can't wait for the video. They might as well just shoot a train wreck, because that's what the video is going to look like.

Click here to listen it

Douche Bag Spencer is at it again with his annoying, babbling crap about how wonderful and disgusting Heidi's singing is.

People reports the "back on" again couple spent the weekend around Atlantic City at the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa running his mouth again about Heidi's sucky ass music career.

The moron says, "When people hear what we have in the bank, it's gonna blow their minds. Madonna, eat your heart out. Britney Spears, eat your heart out. I would say we have diamond records coming – they're gonna sell 10-million plus."

Wow, he'll say anything to get a piece of ass from that hag, won't he?

He goes on to say, "We're financing [the album] ourselves on a shoestring budget. It's so organic. And this is just the warm-up. We're just heating up the water in the bathtub. It's gonna get hot!"

Hot? I would ask to make it scalding, but homegirls plastic will melt in any kind of heat. That's actually a pretty good idea. That's about the best thing he's said... ever.

Heidi Montag gave an interview to UsWeekly about the negative attention she got for her truly shitty ass video. Despite all the negative response, her song "Higher" has managed to reach #7 on iTunes. Heidi said, "I cried myself to sleep that first night after my video came out. I just couldn't understand why people I didn't even know felt the need to be so cruel and hurtful toward me."

I would cry myself to sleep at night too if I was her. For different reasons of course. Spencer told Heidi that this comes with the territory of being a pop star. Pop star? Poop star is more like it.

She said, "I am just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams."

She also explained her kitchen sink video, "We were at the beach and, literally, Spencer had his camera and a boom box in the trunk. We did it in one take, maybe two, and it took us 20 minutes to film and cost us zero dollars. We had other ideas but we couldn't afford them."

I think a snuff film would have been a better idea. It doesn't cost anything and would probably make a lot of people happy. And Heidi, nobody is buying your small town girl talk. Small town girl with plastic tits and a shitty nose job.

Image: Wireimage

It's pawn shop video time! Here's the amazing video for Heidi Montag's "Higher." I think the Popeye's 2-piece meal I ate last night cost more than this piece of shit. I mean....the videos I used to make when I was 11-years-old had higher production values than this. This video is basically Girls Gone Wild without the emotional intensity meets those karaoke videos. The only thing that kept me watching the entire video was the hope that a giant shark was going to jump out of the ocean and swallow this plastic bitch whole. They can't even synch up the music with the video correctly! Somebody tell Heidi just to skip to hardcore porn already and save everyone the suffering of having to deal with her music.

The only thing better than this amazing video is the "making of." I'm totally depressed that the fisherman didn't make the final cut. He definitely has star power. I guess he took the spotlight off of Heidi too much.

The Spice Girls announced that are cutting their world tour short, because of "family commitments" and touring logistics. They have already performed in Europe, UK, Canada and the US. They were supposed to go on until June playing dates in South Africa, Australia, China and Argentina, but will end their shit in Toronto on February 26th instead. Their management denies they are ending due to poor ticket sales.

The Daily Mirror reports that they aren't ending the tour, because of the reasons they gave. They are ending it, because they hate each other again. Scary and Sporty apparently are completely over it. Scary wants to get back to her family and Sporty is afraid it will jeopardize her solo career.

Menopause is a bitch. Listen, these hos made a commitment and they should see it out. Quitting a commitment is not "girl power." That is "girl laziness." Pop the hormones, put on those hideous outfits, show the camel toe and get the hell out and lip-synch like there's no tomorrow.

UsWeekly has the full song for Heidi Montag's "Higher." I need to get higher after listening to that shit. I would have rather heard Heidi and Spencer's sex farts than have to listen to that again.

It's totally going to be #1. Heidi stick to what you're good at, sweetie. Wait, what is she good at?

Click here to listen