Truly Awful Music
Olive Newton-John's insane daughter, Chloe Lattanzi, is the only reason I wish this shit on Vh1 each week. The girl scares the fuck out of me. It's a horror show. I can't turn away.
Last night, she covered her mother's "I Honestly Love You." She completely tore it to shreds and did some Euro goth version. Dancers dressed like condoms or something scurried around Chloe while she shreaked and moaned. Bizarre. The girl should move to Germany, because she would be bigger than The Hoff.
Belinda Carlisle also adores Chloe. I think Belinda is biased though, because it looks like the two share the same plastic surgeon.
Kristy likes cocks and apparently there's a cock that likes her back! The girl is engaged to be married. No, the lucky douche is not the horse she sold to get to the American Idol audition. He's forever mad at her.
Kristy Lee Cook told UsWeekly that she became engaged to her 25-year-old dude, Andrew Dobner, on March 17th. She kept the news secret because she "wanted to be focused on Idol." Focused on making my ears vomit.
He proposed again last night, "He actually got down on his knee this time. He owed it to me!" They are planning to get married next June. Totally knocked up!
Hopefully, this ho gets married, has 30 kids, gets super obese and is confined to her bed for the rest of eternity.
She's not going away, right? Get the RAID!
Chloe Lattanzi is a freak, but in a totally hot way. Her bedrooms shelves are probably filled with dolls with missing eyes and taxidermy. Last week on "Rock the Cradle," I didn't know what to think of Chloe, but this week she proved she's the fucking crazy star of that show.
She almost got voted out, but luckily there's enough masocists out there that voted for her and she stayed. It was parents' choice and Olivia Newton-John made Chloe sing some song called "I Hate Everything About You." Bitch got into it and I was waiting for her resty filled lips to explode everywhere. I am voting for her every week. Yes, I'm a masocist.
Speaking of pain...Lil B Sure owes the animal community a fucking apology! I am going to send his stupid ass my dog's psychiatry bill, because he's still not over Sure's horrific screeching. There must have been some fucked up messages that only dogs can hear in his screech, because my pooch is still traumatized. How the hell is he going to do Kate Bush like that? Clip is below, but I am not responsible for making your dogs go insane. Send your hate mail to Lil B Sure.
The broke ass version of Wilson Phillips has returned! The McCain Girls are continuing their theme of replacing McCain's name with the word "rain" in popular songs. They already did "It's Raining McCain" and now here's "Here Comes McCain Again." I don't want McCain cumming anywhere near me.
This video features McCain as a peeping tom and as a flying ghost haunting the night. Yeah, that pretty much sums him up in one sentence.
I can't wait for their versions of, "Blame It On McCain," "Singin' In McCain" and "Purple McCain."
MTV's Rock the Cradle features the spawn of famous musicians battling it out for a record deal. The show premiered Thursday night and this mess is not to be missed.
Olivia Newton-John's daughter, Chloe Lattanzi, was clearly the star of the night. Horrific! The shit she injects into her lips could be put to better use on her vocal chords. Chloe blamed her terrifying performance on her "ears being out." I think Belinda Carlisle's ears were out too, because she gave Chloe a 9.5 out of 10.
That being said, Chloe is the most exciting thing to happen to music since Rosa from WB Superstar USA.
Last night was a hard American Idol for me. Listening to Dolly Parton songs being murdered took a toll on my dark soul. It was like being attacked with a staple gun over and over again.
I really have no idea who is going home this week. I knew that Kristy Likes Cocks was going to sing "Coat of Many Colors." More like cunt of many colors! I think that song is going to keep her from going home.
This bitch is turning into my neighborhood crackhead. Every day when I leave my apartment, I say a little prayer hoping the neighborhood crackhead is nowhere to be seen. Deep down I know she will be there and I know she will open her mouth full of grey teeth and ask me for "25 cents or a quarter." Seriously, bitch actually asks for "25 cents or a quarter." One day I'm just going to blow up and say, "YOU CRACKHEAD BITCH! 25 cents is a quarter! But you need more than that to fix your overcast teefs!" What I'm saying is that Kristy Lee will be on Idol every week even though I pray she isn't. It's the truth. Here's my bottom 3:
Ramiele - The puppy dog eye trick has overstayed its welcome.
Kristy Lee - Back where she belongs, but she won't go home.
Brooke White - I have no idea why I chose her, but it was either her or Jason Castro.
Ramiele is going home and just like Chikezie before her, she'll be taking a bullet for Kristy Lee.
Oh and below is Kristy Lee showing off her amazing butcher skills. Skip to the end to see Gaycrest say to her, "Love the French pedicure." Next week he is going to tell Syesha, "Girrrrrl, your hair is looking ferociously fiiierrrrce!"
The minute I read Kristy Lee Cook was doing "God Bless The USA," I knew what that bitch was up to. She obviously didn't come up with this brilliant move herself. You're not an American unless you vote for Cocks. UGH!!! Last week, she told Simon "I will blow you out of your socks." She probably lived up to her promise and Simon gave her the tip as she was wiping his juice off her mouth. Damn that Simon!
I'm surprised the bitch didn't come out wearing an American flag bikini with fireworks shooting out of her cunt. Once this ho finally gets voted out, she'll have a career performing this little diddy at every NRA convention from Bakersfield to Poughkeepsie.
Cocks will not be in the bottom 3 this week since she practically gave a hand job to every redneck Idol voter. Here's my predicted bottom:
Ramiele - She went first, she sang Heart and she sucked. Even the "sick card" can't save her!
Chikezie - Chickezie was chik-cheeeesy as hell last night.
Jason Castro - He'll be the surprise of the night and this will be his slap on the wrist to do better next time.
I think Ramiele will be voted out and Danny Noriega's screams of pain will deafen the night. Weren't they like best girlfriends forever?
And WTF was Paula wearing last night? I think Skunk Head Overmyer attacked her in the parking lot before the show.
International recording artist, Heidi Montag, has a new song out called "No More." You're totally thinking, "YES HEIDI! NO MORE!" I disagree, I love this piece of trash. It's also fantastic that she has a new song out, because my "Higher" ringtone can finally be replaced. I've said it before, but I'm not joking about the looks of death I get when my phone goes off in public places. People look at me like I have the plague. My new "No More" ringtone will take their rage to the next level. I can't wait.
Henry Rollins said that Britney Spears vocals are mixed with the vocals of an older black lady. The same goes for Heidi, but Spencer brings in Vicki the Robot instead. Heidi's new song can also double as an effective way to shut your dog up when he won't stop barking.
Below are pictures from the premiere party of "The Hills" in NYC last night which featured a performance by Mimi. Homegirl is totally slumming it. What's next? A performance on American Idol? Oh.....yeah...she's already doing that.
The Hills did not disappoint last night. It was the same fake trash as always. And couldn't they have cast hotter French dudes?
Obama has that hot chick as his Obama Girl and John McCain has these lovely ladies. It fits. These are The McCain Girls and they put out some shit on YouTube of them singing along to one of the gayest songs in history: "It's Raining Men." They cleverly changed the title to "It's Raining McCain."
My favorite of the three is the woman that looks like Bonnie Brindle from "Small Wonder." First of all, her pants are melting into the green screen. Second of all, she barely knows the lyrics. Those two other chicks probably needed a third and nobody would do it, so they kidnapped poor Bonnie Brindle from the local supermarket and brainwashed her to shake her granny ass for John McCain! Bonnie definitely doesn't know what she's doing.
I couldn't get through the whole thing, because I had to turn it off once one of them washed her face with John McCain. That's crossing the line of decency.
Diddy's twins, D'Lila Star and Jessie James (yes, Jessie James), made an appearance at the finale of "Making the Band 4" in NYC last night. Diddy should've put the twins to work, because I'm sure they can sing better than those Danity Kane chicks.
I do love Aubrey O'Day though. Just when I thought she couldn't look even more like a tranny mess, she shows up in crap like this. What the fuck is she wearing in the third thumbnail below? Somewhere in the world, a tranny dominatrix is missing her uniform. It's Easter and I'm hungover as hell. I really don't need to be looking at this shit.