Truly Awful Music

Not since Danny Noriega was voted off "American Idol" have I felt so cheated! One of the greatest musical talents this hour century, Chloe Lattanzi, did not win "Rock the Cradle" last night. This shit is fixed! Chloe was one of the three finalists along with Crosby Loggins and that douche with a mohawk. I forgot his name already. Crosby won. Zzzzzzzz. Chloe didn't even shed a tear! I expected her puffer lips to quiver until her head flew away.

Chloe will go on to bigger and better things. She's going to be a huge star in......Lithuania!

Brit Brit Spears was also in the audience to support Larry Rudolph who was one of the judges. I'm sure Brit Brit fell in love with Chloe's talent the same way I did. They will create beautiful music together that will make hearing aids everywhere explode.

Below is Chloe's duet with her mother, Olivia Newton-John. I think the stage was declared a disaster zone after that performance. I'm pretty sure that's the last we'll see of Chloe unless we move to Lithuania. I'm really tempted to do so. I can't live without this puffer fish with a voice like burnt glass.

This was the look on Chloe Lattanzi's face after Larry Rudolph chose Brit Brit's "Toxic" as her next song to perform on "Rock the Cradle". Awww...Chloe. Don't pout. Seriously, don't pout, because something might leak out of your lips.

Chloe said that doing a Britney Spears song made her feel sick. Now she knows how I feel after watching her perform! Sick in a good way. Chloe makes me vomit with a smile. Anyway, Chloe's overall performance of "Toxic" was pretty........boooring. Larry Rudolph fucked her up! Gone was the Chloe I've come to know and love. The Chloe that looks like she's just crawled out of the depths of hell.

Chloe was joined on stage by some tied up dude. I'm pretty sure that's what she does to her dates anyway. After she ties them up, she sings in front of them. Talk about ultimate torture.

Below is a clip of Chloe performing "Toxic." At the beginning of the clip, Chloe bonds with her daddy in his teepee. The teepee he lives in. You know they do some crazy voodoo shit in there.

Click here to vote for Chloe! SHE MUST WIN! Next week is the finals and if Chloe doesn't win she'll hunt you down and bite your throat out. Vote for her crazy ass!

Wonky McValtrex's love has inspired Benji Madden to write her a song. You know GlaxoSmithKline wants to buy that shit.

Wonky talked about this nauseating tune to People, "He surprised me with it. It's called, 'Shine Your Light.' It's this really beautiful love song about me. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me." Wonky has forgotten about the time a dude drew a heart on her chest with his own sperm. That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for her. How soon she forgets.

She went on to chirp, "He's my best friend. He's just different from any guy that I've ever been with. I just trust him completely, and I know that he'd be there for me, no matter what." Can't you hear her saying that in a little girl voice? Will somebody please feed one of her warts after midnight, so that it can swallow her whole already.

Here's Wonky and Boy Douche being gross yesterday.

Wait....what is she good at? Breast wearing? Yeah, she's really good at that! So, here's the video for ScarJo's single "Falling Down" off her new album called "Boring Songs with ScarJo" or something like that. The song sounds like my mother trying to do her best Sinead O'Connor impersonation. My mother would probably sound better and put a little more emotion into it. ScarJo sounds like she sang this while taking a dump.

And the video is just as boring. Enjoy! You better have a few sips of coffee before you watch this crap, because it will definitely put you to sleep.

Who the hell is voting for Chloe Lattanzi on "Rock the Cradle?" Ok, the better question is, who the hell is watching this show besides me? I mean, I vote for Chloe, because she's one of the greatest things to happen to music since Klymaxx. I have no idea who is keeping her on the show. There can't be that many Satan worshipers and plastic surgery addicts watching this show.

Anyway, Chloe once again shocked us all and was not voted out last night. She went on to perform her version of Korn's "Freak on a Leash." Freak on a fucking leash is right, but that's why I adore her ass. My ears are still in recovery from her performance, but that's fine. Hopefully, they will fully recover for her next musical butchering.

Get her hot lips a record deal already! Clip below:

If you haven't heard Fuggie Fug's song for the "Sex & the City" movie, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If caca had a theme song, this would be it. I think listening to this song turned my allergies into leprosy. I don't know what's fucking worse? The lyrics, the music or her voice.

The SATC bitches should have saved their pennies and released this Fergie classic instead:

Don't ask me about the clown. I think he was a child toucher. Kids Inc. dealt with the real issues.

Oh well! Carly Hennessey...I mean, Smithson or whatever the fuck her name is, was given the heave ho off of "American Idol" last night. Of course, Carly was the only one that I could stand to watch. I'm not missing the bitch. Her teeth were starting to scare me anyway.

This is what happened. Bitch sang "Jesus Christ Superstar" and the redneck Christians did not like that shit one bit. They thought it was dark-sided, so they stayed away from her ass. That's that.

Brooke White is officially the new Kristy Lee Cook. That ho should have gone! We've already seen what she can do and I've seen better "coffee house girl angst" music from Phoebe on "Friends." I bet you Brooke White can't do Smelly Cat the same way Phoebe can. Next week is Neil Diamond week and I don't think my ears or eyes are ready to see Brooke do something like Sweet Caroline. NO! All the blunts in the world could not make that pleasing.

Basically, Jason, Brooke and Syesha will be killed off one by one in the next few weeks. David "Smug" Cook and Fetus Archuleta are the final 2.

It Fetus Archuleta does not win, the tweens of the country will declare war on us all. Their hormones can't take it. Archuleta fans are the new Brangaloonies. These little bitches are insane. Seriously, check YouTube for their fan videos. I hope most of them get their periods soon, because they need to chill the fuck out. I can't stand David Cook either, but I hope he wins just so Fetus Archuleta can give us another expression when he loses. Every week, he gives us the same "golly gee" grin. He's like Cecil Turtle. Somebody tell him that if he doesn't give us another expression this week, his daddy is going to beat his ass good!

Elimination video is below:

Can they please ban these American Idol twits from doing songs from musicals? Ban it forever! Even all the pills in Paula Abdul's system couldn't cheer her up during last night's shit show. The only one that didn't make me wish a bomb would hit the studio was Carly Smithson's "Jesus Christ Superstar." Don't get me wrong, I've heard better versions in Orange County community theater productions, but still.

I also found someone to direct my hate towards now that Kristy Lee Cook is dead and buried. BROOKE WHITE! That bitch! I swear, I'm so sick of her staring at me with that "I'm so sowwwwwy" look. Last night, she sang "You Must Love Me" from Evita. If you make Madonna sound good, you have major issues and should reconsider your path in life. Brooke also had her second false start of the season. She forgot the words at the beginning and had to stop. Paula was not having it. If Paula wasn't sedated, she probably would have jumped the table and beat more tears out of Brooke. Seriously, how can one person cry so much? Brooke needs a drought already.

And Jason Castro needs to lay off the bong during rehearsals! He sang "Memory" from Cats and said to Andrew Lloyd Webber, "I didn't know this song was song by a cat." Um...the show it's from is called CATS! Not fucking LIZARDS. Pot can be your best friend most of the time, but sometimes it plays dirty tricks on you for laughs.

So...this week is pretty simple. Bottom 3:

Syesha Mercado: This bitch isn't gone yet?
Jason Castro: The stoner charm is wearing off
Brooke White: Can't wait for the fountain of tears when she's finally voted out tonight. She's going to start cutting herself on stage. Chick is too much.

And that's that! I hope they slowly torture Brooke, because it might be the last time we see her "pained" expression and they should make it count.

Above is Brooke's hideous performance and below is Jason's stoner version of Memory. It's pretty ironic that the stoner sang a song about memories since he probably can't remember any of his.

Heidi Montag's "Higher' has finally been retired as my new ringtone by Carmine Gotti Agnello's "Young, Hot Rich." Yes, THAT Gotti. I don't know whether to poop, laugh, cry, vomit or all of the above. I still can't get it out of my fucking head. I have the sudden urge to get a spray tan and Depp gel up my hair.

I tried to get all the lyrics down, but I was too busy laughing my ass off. This is actually the perfect 420 companion. Here's some sample lyrics to help you get the gist of Carmine's skills:

"I'm young hot, I'm a typical flirt
But I'll put the flowers on you like a tropical shirt"

"Don't leave your girl 'round me
Unless you want your girl's lips to be around C"

"Hot on blabba
Stay up all night, I don't need Viagra
Girls just want to show me off
Dudes don't got balls enough to blow me off
I'm rich and underaged
Still spendin all the money that grandpa's spade"

At the end of the day, I would still do Carmine. WELL! He'll put flowers on me like a tropical shirt and tropical shirts are pretty!

VIA ONTD

Olive Newton-John's insane daughter, Chloe Lattanzi, is the only reason I wish this shit on Vh1 each week. The girl scares the fuck out of me. It's a horror show. I can't turn away.

Last night, she covered her mother's "I Honestly Love You." She completely tore it to shreds and did some Euro goth version. Dancers dressed like condoms or something scurried around Chloe while she shreaked and moaned. Bizarre. The girl should move to Germany, because she would be bigger than The Hoff.

Belinda Carlisle also adores Chloe. I think Belinda is biased though, because it looks like the two share the same plastic surgeon.