Katie Price

Everybody, gently place the words "fuck off" on the tip of your tongue, because it will launch out of your mouth as soon as you read the next sentence. Get it ready. Katie Price married her cross-dressing, cage-fighter boyfriend Alex Reid in Las Vegas this afternoon. AND RELEASE!

The Princess Diana and Prince Charles of this generation kicked the dead horse that is marriage at a chapel at the Wynn Resort. Katie's publicist and a handful of TV cameras witnessed the blessed event. Katie's spokesbitch immediately issued this statement after the ten-second wedding.

"Katie and Alex are delighted to announce they got married in a private, simple ceremony. Their decision to marry has not been made with any media deal in place. It is purely down to their love for each other."

HA! I love how her publicist has to point out that this is not a publicity stunt in anyway shape or form. Uh huh. I'm sure Katie wore a dress made out of Balloon Boy's runaway balloon, and Alex wore a tuxedo made out of Tila Tequila's fixed pregnancy tests. They toasted to their new union with flutes filled with OctoMom's amniotic fluid. The twinkle in Katie's eye was actually a shiny, gold dollar sign.

You'll see it for yourself when these two fermented blood oranges are on the cover of OK! Magazine next week. But the cover won't be the same without Harvey Price on it, flipping us the bird. Sigh. Katie kept us from seeing Harvey in a white tuxedo. THAT (selfish) BITCH!

Here they are shopping for rings before their wedding. The look on the woman's face in the first thumbnail says it all. I too puckered tighter than Roxanne's tuck when I first read this mess.

This is supposed to be Katie Price's week with Harvey Price and the other rugrats, but she dumped them on the nannies to fly to Vegas with her cross-dressing, hemorrhoid-faced boyfriend Alex Reid. ILLEGAL! May the bitch catch food poisoning from an all-you-can-eat buffet (might I suggest the Excalibur's buffet), because only an evil demoness with a soul as dark as John Mayer's penis would leave Harvey!

The Sun reports that when Peter Andre heard Katie left the kids behind, he immediately farted the dildo out of his butt and ran to pick them up! One of Peter's friends said, "It's absolutely outrageous the way she behaves with the kids sometimes. They are an afterthought."

And why is Katie in Las Vegas anyway? Well, some think that Katie and Alex will elope this weekend, because this is what she recently wrote in OK! Magazine: "This year I will marry Alex and I'm going to have his kids."

I'm sure Alex will make a precious bride, but Katie really is made of pure hate if she's going to throw a wedding without Harvey there to officiate the ceremony and serenade her with a chorus of "Fuck Offs" as she walks down the aisle. A new low.

Here's the devil incarnate arriving at Vegas' McCarran Airport with Alex Reid. Ugh. Alex always looks like he's trying to give birth to a basketball-sized shit.

Alex Reid, the dick tucking, cage fighting mongoloid boyfriend of Katie Price, beat out Dane Bowers and Vinnie Jones to win the final "Celebrity" Big Brother. Alex (or "Roxanne" if you like to pucker up to a peen wearing lipstick) won 65% of the public vote. In possibly related news, the entire water supply in the UK was tainted with MDMA minutes before the CBB voting began.

Soon after Alex ran back into the shit-stained arms of Katie Price, she declared, "He's the love of my life and he knows that." YES KATIE, we all know that! You only proclaim it on the cover of OK! Magazine every other week, you dumb bitch! Although, Alex might not know since there's a good chance he can't read. Hopefully, he subscribes to the audio version of OK!.

And I'm sure Harvey Price is thrilled that Celebrity Big Brother is over, because now he has his favorite punching bag back. All is well in the world.

Here's some pictures from last night! In order: Roxy Fart, Vinnie Jones, Stephanie Beacham, Sisqo (who looks like the stoop sale version of an Old Navy commercial), and Dane Bowers.

Katie Price was out in London last night, and surprise...surprise, bitch got boozed up AGAIN.

Part of me thinks that this trick is just pretending to be drunk so she gets more attention. We've all known hos like that. Bitches who gargle with Listerine and then say, "Ooooh, I'm buzzing it!" Or they take a sip of Gatorade and warn you that they might start doing some "out of control" shit. You know you're going to be spending the rest of the night rolling your eyes at their pretend stumbles and faux slurring.

I hope Katie is paying for her friend's booze tabs, because they got all fancied up and had to spend their night carrying her drunk (authentic or fake) ass around. They probably got Katie's tan diarrhea all over their fancy jackets.

Katie Price hit the Morgan Awards in London last night. Then she hit the bottle, then she hit the floor, then she hit the bottle, then she hit the toilet, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a dick, then she hit the bottle, then she hit the Polident, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a pool of rotten oranges, then she hit the bottle, then she hit Tiger Woods, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a family of beavers, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a funeral table skirt, then she hit the bottle....

QUICK! Take the baton. It's your turn. We can do this all fucking day.

Katie Price is making Harvey dizzy with all this back and forth shit. One minute she's butt banging Peter Andre, and the next minute she's sticking her tongue in Alex Reid's tuck. AND NOW, she apparently wants Peter's peen back in her orange arms again. Bitch needs to pick one gay and stick with him.

The Sun is saying that Katie must have gotten sentimental when she was washing her anal beads, because she called up Peter and begged him to let her be his main purse holder again. Katie reportedly said she was sowwy for being a bitch and told him that her relationship with Alex Reid/Roxy meant nothing. A source added, "She asked him straight out if there was any chance they could get back together and pleaded for a reunion. She was telling him she just couldn't stop thinking of him and their life together. Katie told him she even dreamed of him at night but would wake up to realize he wasn't there, and feel sad."

The source also said that Peter wasn't exactly pinching his nipples during the phone call, "The idea of a reunion is not something Pete would even consider. They are divorced and that's it."

When Katie and Peter quit each other, some whores were screaming in my ear that this was just a publicity stunt sponsored by OK! Magazine and they would get married again next year for maximum publicity exposure. I filed their claims under "crackhead conspiracies," but it looks like their asses could be right. Katie and Peter could be taking famewhoring for checks to a whole new level.

Jon & Kate, take notes! Actually, I didn't mean that. Burn your note pads, Jon & Kate. Burn them!

Over the weekend, Katie Price's cage fighting, cock tucking, cross-dressing sweetheart Alex Reid (Roxanne if you love it with lace) told the News of the World that he was going to travel to Australia to propose marriage to her. Well, I hope that sparkly engagement ring can easily be turned into a cock ring, because Katie Price quit Alex during her live exit interview for I'm A Blah Blah Blah....Get Me Blah Blah Blah.

Just as Roxanne was sashaying through an Australian airport on his way to the jungle, Katie Price said this: "I'd done a lot of reflecting. I've realized that I want to be on my own. I don't want to be in a relationship. I hope that we can remain friends. I'm not with him, no."

At that moment, Harvey Price got a jolt of the fever in him and jumped up, did the splits, jumped back up, did the moonwalk, swirled to the right, swirled to the left, did the Cabbage Patch and then shouted, "FUCKITY FUCK FUCK YES!"

Since Roxanne, like Katie, is a famewhore who just doesn't quit, he immediately queefed out this statement: "Following yesterday's surprise revelations that Alex Reid's relationship with Katie Price has apparently ended, Cage Fighter Films Ltd, with whom Alex has contractual obligations and responsibilities, would like to make it clear that he will continue with his business meetings associated with the film Cage Rage at undisclosed locations in Australia. Naturally there are ongoing telephone conversation between the couple, but Alex has no further comment to make at this time regarding the state of their relationship."

Business meetings?! ROXY STOP! Getting your prostate massaged by a ladyboy's dick doesn't count as a "business meeting." We're all adults here.

And start your watches, because it won't be long before a gorgeous-looking Roxanne (wearing the outfit above) and Peter Andre are holding hands on the cover of OK! Magazine with the headline: "Our mutual hate for Katie brought us together!"

Below is Katie's interview from last night. Skip to the 5:45 mark to watch her dump a bitch on live television:

Katie Price (seen here trying to stop her brain from escaping out of her mouth) has quit I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here after she was nominated to compete in a challenge for the 7th time in a row! I guess the people of Britain just can't get enough of seeing her swallow snail jizz during challenges. Sucio bitches.

Before Katie stormed out of the jungle, she begged the voting public not to force her to compete again. Katie already had to chew on fried flies and said she couldn't do it anymore. Well, ask and you shall not receive!

Once Katie was told that she would have to eat nasty shit again, she told the producers that she wanted out. According to The Sun, Katie told them, "I can't do another trial. I'm walking. There's only so much c*** one person can take. The way I've been treated on the show by the viewers, you'd think I was the most hated woman in Britain."

If that censored word was on Wheel of Fortune, I'd guess that it was "crap" and not "cock." Because the sentence "There's only so much cock one person can take" could never roll off of Katie's cock-stained tongue. It's impossible.

And the cloud of delusion that is fogging up Katie's eyes might make it hard for her to see the pitchfork-wielding mob camped outside of her house at all times. A lot of people in Britain would rather nibble on Jodie Marsh's cooch crumpet than share two words with Katie Price.

If Katie really wanted to win over the voting public, she should've skipped into the jungle with Harvey Price on her shoulders. Because if you vote against Harvey, a kitten suffers a coronary.

Alex Reid's full-time cock tucker, Katie Price, went on Chelsea Handler's show last night to promote how she flies all the way to Los Angeles to get fucked in the face with a Botox needle. File this under: You might be a famewhore if.....

The Sun seems to think that Katie Price was left "humiliated" after Chelsea destroyed her during the interview, but I didn't see it that way. First of all, she's Katie Price, so she humiliates herself as soon as she leaves the house (Harvey will get me for that one). Second of all, Chelsea was kind of easy on Katie. She only said that Katie will take Alex straight to the middle (true). And that she should be proud of herself for writing 33 books, even if they are for children. Those burns aren't going to leave a mark. Besides, Katie even puts make-up in the insides of her ears, so I doubt she even heard Chelsea dogging her.

And yes, it is totally fitting that there's a ticking time bomb countdown at the top of this clip.

The full cast of the UK's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here was announced this morning, and unfortunately Detective La Toya Jackson isn't going to make it to the jungle after all. But glamour model turned pop icon turned gayelle champion Samantha Fox will! That means we will finally get that jungle acoustic version of "I Wanna Have Some Fun."

The cast also includes a bunch of hos I've never ever heard of. I took a few shots of the sweet nectar (for clarity) and I still have no clue. I need Detective La Toya to solve the mystery of some of these people's careers. Here they are:

Stuart Manning of Hollyoaks - No clue.
Lucy Benjamin formerly of EastEnders - No clue.
Sabrina Washington formerly of Mis-Teeq - No clue.
Gino D'Acampo, celebrity chef - No Clue.
Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, interior designers and reality stars - Yes. I know these bitches.
George Hamilton, a leather duffel bag - Yes. I know this bitch.
Kim Woodburn of How Clean Is Your House? - Yes. I know this bitch.
Camilla Dallerup of Strictly Come Dancing - No Clue.
Jimmy White, snooker star - No Clue.

Katie Price, who was already on that shit a few years ago, is expected to join the cast in a couple of weeks. But first, Katie has to finish getting her monthly maintenance in Los Angeles (tits rotated, vagina resuscitated, lips plumped, etc....). Pictures below.