Katie Price

You have to give a whore hand to Katie Price, because there really are no boundaries to her hustle. Katie will slap absolutely anything on her crotch, tits or head in the name of a quick dollar (or quid, when I put on my British tongue)! Dignity can go toe fuck itself, because Katie's gotta make that money! If she comes home empty-handed, Harvey will kick her back out on the stroll.

In London today, Katie debuted her new line of iPod accessories which look like they were scooted and queefed on by Mimi. Katie sold that shit to the pubic by coming out like the Tin Man competing in a Barbarella drag contest sponsored by an unauthorized Apple reseller. Katie told the reporters: "I'm really excited about my iPod range and love the way they have turned out. Being involved in the design process was fantastic and really gave me the opportunity to develop and create exactly what I wanted. Hopefully this is just the beginning and you will be seeing more from my Boutique range."

Steve Jobs doesn't know whether to take his pants off or threaten Katie with a copyright infringement letter. Actually, he has to take off his pants anyways since I'm pretty sure he keeps all his legal form letters in his ass crack.

In an interview with The Guardian, Katie Price says she's like an "ugly fat woman" in bed because she knows how to fuck right. You know, because Katie Price is so gorgeous and gorgeous hos are known lazy lays (served by a waiter with a name tag that reads: SARCASM).

When asked by The Guardian's Decca Aitkenhead if it's hard for her to get real (HA!) with a new dude because of his preconceptions about her, Katie said, "What, do you mean do they think I'm going to be an animal in bed? I'm worse than an animal. I'm an extremist in bed." Decca rephrased the question and blatantly asked if Katie feels pressure to fuck like her alter ego Jordan, "Yeah but if you act up to their ideas then you're fine. You can say I'm like an ugly fat woman, cos they're the ones they say really try. I'm like one of them, I make an effort. I'm not just a lay on your back, open your legs, look at the time. I actually work it."

Is this colonic water faced bitch really trying to act like all of us haven't already seen her lie there like a rusty rag in her sex tape?! Maybe Katie has gotten better over time, but her sex tape shows that she's the opposite of an animal in bed. Unless the animal she's referring to is a lude-addicted sloth with gas.

Getting toe fucked in a sex tape does not prove that she knows how to work it. It only proves that she can probably give an amazing pedicure with her snatch. It also proves that she most likely has a serious case of athlete's clit.

Katie Price thinks that Harvey, Princess Tiamamameckaleckahimeckahineyho and Junior should all send her and Peter Andre thank you notes for making them the luckiest children ever by getting divorced. They aren't lucky because they no longer have to listen to the loud slurping noises Katie made when she ate on Peter's ass. No, Katie says that they are lucky because they now get twice as many presents and vacations!

On This Morning Katie told the hosts, “I think it’s probably good I split with Pete when they were so young. I was about their age when my parents got divorced and I can’t even remember it, so hopefully they won’t either. They’re lucky really, all kids with divorced parents are lucky because they get extra Christmas presents and trips out and two sets of birthday presents.”

At first I thought Katie had a point, and then I went to peek into the treasure box filled with all the presents my dad bought me after my parents divorced. Guess what? It was fucking empty! The only thing my dad ever got me was a stupid acid washed jean jacket from Miller's Outpost. I lost that shit the next day during gymnastics lessons at SCATS. Yes, I lost the jacket in a place called SCATS. Symbolism.

My mom pretty much worked until her hand bones cracked into a million pieces just so she could buy us presents at Christmas times, so I really hope my lost acid wash jean jacket somehow ends up on Katie's doorstep. Then I hope Harvey takes that jacket and shoves it in Katie's mouth! And once he does that, Harvey should take Katie to the plastic surgeon's office. I'm pretty sure that during her last boob job, the plastic surgeon put the silicone bag in the wrong tit. He put it in the tit on her neck instead of the tit on her chest.

via Metro

Right before Katie Price performed her new single (which has already been listed as a torture device by the U.N.) on GMTV today, she admitted that she can't dance or sing live. So if she knows that she has the dance skills of a plastic stripper doll with low batteries and a singing voice that could be classified as a terrorist threat, then what is the point of performing at all?! AND Katie can't even lip-synch right. Deaf toads with cotton mouth lip synch better than her ass!

Katie is well aware that she's causing harm to all of us, and yet she does it anyway! That is premeditated assault with intent to kill! LOCK THE BITCH UP! But before you do that, free that hairy jacket on her body first. Somewhere there's a nekkid ass gorilla who is thisclose to catching hypothermia. You WILL be hearing from the Dian Fossey Foundation, Katie!

via Holy Moly!

One of these is an empty-headed plastic toy with hair made out of synthetic fibers and breasts sculpted from a mound of melted orange Legos. The other is a cake.

Seriously, Katie Price is starting to make Harvey cry into his animal crackers, because her face looks like it's been embalmed with spray foam insulation and covered with several layers of beeswax. You just want to snatch one of her machete-like brows and use it to deflate her inner tube lips. Poor tortured Harvey already has to suffer by looking at Alex Reid's hemorrhoid face every day, and now he has to deal with this?! Harvey deserves a million gold-wrapped chocolate Noble Peace Prizes for what he has to deal with.

Anyways, here's Katie Price and her doll cake (wearing her old wedding dress) leaving her bachelorette party in London last night. Katie already married her cage fighting, cross dressing husband Roxy Baby in Las Vegas earlier this year, but she is throwing a bigger and Chavier wedding in England this weekend.

No, that's not an overinflated discount Pete Burns blow-up doll up there. It's the cover and short preview for Katie Price's new dance single called "Free To Love Again." Now that this bitch is free to love again maybe she can show some love to the eardrums of the innocent by not detonating anymore musical bombs.

If you shoved a vuvuzela into a dog's ass and asked him to fart into a fan, the sound he produces would be more pleasant to the ears than this shit! Harvey, please make it stop!

via The Sun

Just because Katie Price is stuffing a few squid (I meant to write "quid," but I like squid better) into that baby's diaper to pose during a photo call for her stupid new baby clothes doesn't mean baby has to pretend to NOT to look terrified when she gets all close.

That's a "Back the fuck up, bitch" face if I ever saw one. Baby is probably wondering why the rotten orange it was playing with earlier now has hair like a toy pony and eyelashes like a dust brush. If baby didn't have such tiny arms, she would've slapped the grease right off of Katie's face.

Here's Katie whoring out her new collection of baby clothes in London today. Right now Katie only has onesies and beanies for sale, but soon her line will also include wigs you can glue right onto baby's head, t-shirts with built-in silicone bags and bottles with a secret syringe that will shoot collagen into your kid's lips while they're drinking milk.

Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty's prune cake).

Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she's busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she's suffering on the inside from Betty White's grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that's not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.

Here's a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world's memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey's second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).

Most loving mothers pray to the Empress of Lucite late at night, and ask that their daughters grow up to be successful and fine young women. Katie Price is no exception. According to The Sun, Katie Price hopes that her daughter Princess Tiaaamamamiamaiami grows up to be a titty model just like her mother. Noah Cyrus, you've got some competition!

Katie apparently told her friend, "When Princess is 18 and goes to be a Page 3 girl, I'd encourage her. I'll go: 'Yeah, get them out for the lads'."

Doesn't that just bring a tear to your tit? It really is beautiful. "Get your tits out" is the new "Go to college."

If my own mother sang me that lullaby before bedtime when I was a little gay, it would've brought a warmness to my heart. And then years later when I was getting my ass out for strange men in bars, I would've smiled inside knowing that I was making my mother proud (instead of feeling like I needed to cry in a hot shower).

Katie Price, get them tits out and come accept the award for Mother of the MILLENNIUM!

Peter Andre is not happy with Kate Price after her sister posted a picture of Princess Tiamamamama on Facebook looking like Michael Galanes sneezed in her face. The picture shows 2-year-old Princess Tiamammamia with tranny tarantula legs over her eyes and lip gloss on her lips. This is what happens when Roxanne babysits by himself for an hour.

A spokesbitch for Peter Andre immediately issued this statement to the Daily Star (via the Daily Mail) : "Peter totally disagrees with anything like this. He has said in the past he hates Kate coloring Junior's hair and straightening Princess's."

So here's the picture that has got Peter Andre's satin thong twisted:

It's not that bad. I'm sure that when the lash glue trickled down into her eye, it only left her partially blind. She can still see with the other eye. Not that big of a deal. She kind of looks like a surprised frog sitting on a lily pad. It's not like Katie got her breast implants (she'll do that next year).

With all that being said, Katie should still be jailed just because.