Jordan & Harvey

Alex Reid's full-time cock tucker, Katie Price, went on Chelsea Handler's show last night to promote how she flies all the way to Los Angeles to get fucked in the face with a Botox needle. File this under: You might be a famewhore if.....

The Sun seems to think that Katie Price was left "humiliated" after Chelsea destroyed her during the interview, but I didn't see it that way. First of all, she's Katie Price, so she humiliates herself as soon as she leaves the house (Harvey will get me for that one). Second of all, Chelsea was kind of easy on Katie. She only said that Katie will take Alex straight to the middle (true). And that she should be proud of herself for writing 33 books, even if they are for children. Those burns aren't going to leave a mark. Besides, Katie even puts make-up in the insides of her ears, so I doubt she even heard Chelsea dogging her.

And yes, it is totally fitting that there's a ticking time bomb countdown at the top of this clip.

The full cast of the UK's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here was announced this morning, and unfortunately Detective La Toya Jackson isn't going to make it to the jungle after all. But glamour model turned pop icon turned gayelle champion Samantha Fox will! That means we will finally get that jungle acoustic version of "I Wanna Have Some Fun."

The cast also includes a bunch of hos I've never ever heard of. I took a few shots of the sweet nectar (for clarity) and I still have no clue. I need Detective La Toya to solve the mystery of some of these people's careers. Here they are:

Stuart Manning of Hollyoaks - No clue.
Lucy Benjamin formerly of EastEnders - No clue.
Sabrina Washington formerly of Mis-Teeq - No clue.
Gino D'Acampo, celebrity chef - No Clue.
Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, interior designers and reality stars - Yes. I know these bitches.
George Hamilton, a leather duffel bag - Yes. I know this bitch.
Kim Woodburn of How Clean Is Your House? - Yes. I know this bitch.
Camilla Dallerup of Strictly Come Dancing - No Clue.
Jimmy White, snooker star - No Clue.

Katie Price, who was already on that shit a few years ago, is expected to join the cast in a couple of weeks. But first, Katie has to finish getting her monthly maintenance in Los Angeles (tits rotated, vagina resuscitated, lips plumped, etc....). Pictures below.

Praying in front of your Harvey Price shrine for hours at a time has paid off, because he has been released from the hospital and does not have swine flu. I guess I should go apologize to the bag of pork rinds I farted on at the deli yesterday.

Harvey's memaw rushed to him the hospital on Wednesday, because he had trouble breathing. They suspected that he might have been touched by a case of the Poshes, but doctors say it isn't so.

On GMTV this morning, Peter Andre spoke about Harvey's condition because he knew the world was holding its breath and starting to turn the color of Katie Price's snatch rod. Peter said, "He's OK. He's actually... he's much better. We were there the night before last, and then yesterday he went home early, quite early - so he's better, a lot better. He's fine, he's happy."

And now we can exhale. And it looks like Katie exhaled long before we did, because here she is hitting the pub with Roxy just a few minutes after Harvey came home. Bitch better be going to the bar to pick up a mug of hot bourbon for Harvey's cough.

The clouds are making sad faces this morning because the candy apple of the world's eye, Harvey Price, is in the hospital with a possible case of swine flu. This is serious business because Harvey doesn't do too well when he's got the ills. Harvey is partially blind and suffers from severe autism. Katie Price's rep said that he's doing "very poorly."

Katie was off pimping her book out, but she immediately rushed to be with Harvey, as did Peter Andre. Katie's rep also said: "Katie is very frantic. You would assess a normal child at home, but in Harvey's case as soon as he gets ill he has to go to hospital. Katie is preparing to take time off work until Harvey is well."

Most of the papers/tabloids are saying that Harvey being in the hospital is bringing Katie and Peter back together, but who really gives a dick about them! Instead of wasting keystrokes on Katie and Peter, we should be sending lil' Harvey good thoughts (delivered by a puppy wearing a bunny costume). And if I see a pig today, I swear I'm going to kick it for doing this to Harvey.

Source: The Sun

In case your head has already puked up this pivotal information: Katie Price's cage fighting boyfriend Alex Reid loves to drag it up as his alter ego Roxanne. Katie completely embraces Alex's tranny side and has even stuck her tongue in his tuck. All together now: HASN'T HARVEY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!!!!!!

In the new issue of OK!, Katie says, "I've had sex with Roxanne and I'm not going into details. It wasn't like lesbian sex because he has men's bits. When I split with Pete, I was completely off sex. But I can tell you, Alex has sent my sex drive through the roof."

Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Professor Jordan. Because all of us were under the impression that when you put on a pair of pantyhose a working chocha suddenly grows in your crotch area. If only it worked that way. It would save Lady CaCa a lot of time.

VIA The Mirror

England's finest rose Jodie Marsh put down her fancy tea cup, patted the ends of her mouth with a crisp white napkin and commented on Katie Price's life to the esteemed magazine Zoo (via Metro). And since Jodie is a refined lady who curtsies when she pees, she was as polite as polite can be when speaking about Harvey's mother. It's like Queen Elizabeth herself spoke these words:

"What does Jordan do on a horse? Dressage. Trots around, that's all she does. She doesn't jump. She doesn't do fuck all. She just sits on it, poses and pouts. I started horse riding again recently and I haven't ridden since I was 14. So I've got on it after 17 years, and it's a beast. I cantered him, galloped him and got over proper jumps."

Jodie is talking about actual horses, right? Of the SJP variety? Because I was pretty entertained thinking about Katie Price dressing up a dick in satin and parading it around the room while puckering up her lips. Although, she probably does that with Roxanne.

Jodie didn't end there, she crossed her ankles and demurely placed her hands in her lap before going on about Katie's skills on the fuck mattress, “She's not good in bed – she doesn't know what she's doing. She's as cold as ice, she's got hardly any friends and she's thick as shit! I think anyone who wants to be with Jordan is a bit weird in the first place."

You know, I wasn't sure until I read this interview with Jodie, but now I can say with confidence that we have found this generation's Emily Post!

P.S - Real talk. I think Jodie is just a bit jealous because Roxanne didn't let her lick on his tuck.

Katie Price's boyfriend and Harvey's new punching bag, Alex Reid, not only loves the feeling of gold lame hugging his tucked dick, but there's been whispers that he also gets thirstay for Thai ladyboys every now and again. And now one of those ladyboys has skipped on over to The Sun to say how Alex became obsessed with her.

While Alex Reid was teaching martial arts in Thailand, he got apparently got phuky with a Phuket ladyboy named Kay Kae.

Kay Kae told The Sun that Alex knew she was born with a wang down below, but that didn't stop him from visiting her at the bar she worked at, "He didn't come and drink much because he was too serious about his training. But we'd meet late at the bar and then he'd take me back to the house he used at the camp. He liked me to talk dirty."

According to Kay Kae, Alex never paid her shit, and all they did was kiss and cuddle. Alex co-signed that claim: “We definitely did not have sex. It was all a big misunderstanding and a bit embarrassing.” This isn't as embarrassing as Alex wearing pantyhose with a gold leotard.

In related news, if I chopped my bits and went to Thailand to shake my ass for rent money, I'd go by the name "Kay Kae" too.

Katie Price's current clit tickler, cage fighter Alex Reid, dusted the puss crust off of one of her gold unitards and slipped into it to make his public debut as his alter ego ROXANNE! Alex proved that his tuck game was stronger (Although, there might not be much to tuck) than Lady CaCa's at the launch for Katie's new book at Selfridges in London today. Harvey just filed for emancipation.

Katie made the big mistake of forcing Alex to bring out his better persona, because Roxanne is definitely sessier than Jordan. Who needs dignity, pride or a nutsack when you have leg's like Roxanne's?

And I think Katie thought that if she's surrounded by a bunch of dudes in drag, it would make her look more like a biological woman. When in fact, she looks like she tucks her dick right next to them in the men's bathroom. This is not the look for her. But I will say that her "Marilyn Monroe on acid" wig looks more natural than Kim Zolciak's, so six dick claps for that!

The theme for the day really is balloons on the loose. Katie Price kept with that theme by bringing her twin Harvey heads out in London tonight. I still don't think Katie's boobs are high enough. It's kind of demure. Homegirl should've rang up Snoop Dogg and asked him to hook her tittays up with some hydraulics. That way they could bounce up past her head. Basically, when Katie walks into a room, it should look like two gigantic chichi balls crushing a peacock to death. Need more booooooobs.

Just for the record, I'm sure that wasn't the only peencock laying on Katie's lap tonight.

Katie Price, who has made zillions of dollars from allowing cameras to shoot her every bowel movement, wasn't exactly thrilled with a group of paps yesterday. Katie Spears-ed the pappies by attacking them with her umbrella while screaming at them "get a fucking real job!" That was the punchline.

No, Katie didn't go full Cheeto by shaving her weave off for the occasion, but I'm sure her fat kitty is completely bald, so that sort of counts.

Katie's spokeswhore actually issued a statement about the non-incident: "Kate understands the nature of her job and generally co-operates with the media. But yesterday she said they were being very intrusive and had overstepped the mark."

Or maybe Katie was just in a rush to get home, because the rain was starting to wash away all the layers of orange diarrhea on her skin.