Tranny Mess

If you haven't heard Fuggie Fug's song for the "Sex & the City" movie, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If caca had a theme song, this would be it. I think listening to this song turned my allergies into leprosy. I don't know what's fucking worse? The lyrics, the music or her voice.

The SATC bitches should have saved their pennies and released this Fergie classic instead:

Don't ask me about the clown. I think he was a child toucher. Kids Inc. dealt with the real issues.

Crystle Stewart, a 26-year-old entrepeauner from Texas, was crowned Miss Tranny USA 2008 in Las Vegas last night! Crystle beat out 50 other trannies, soap star rejects and porn stars to the win the crown.

Seriously! I caught some of this mess last night and it felt like I was watching a tranny beauty pageant from the 80s. It was a good thing Christian Siriano was a judge, because these women put the "hot tranny mess" in "hot tranny mess." I didn't know that many rhinestones and sequins existed in the world. And the make-up. The make-up! These chicks looked like they were sprayed down by the auto-paint specialists at Maaco. Overload!

Crystle from Texas was the best choice though. I'm sure she's pretty hot without 10,000 pounds of make-up laying on her face. She also gave the best answer to her "final question," but that's not saying much. The girl basically had no competition, because the other girls were pretty much brain dead.

The women also had to wear faux fur during the swimsuit competition. TACKY! This isn't Miss Mafia Princess!

Below is a clip of the "final question" portion of the show. The panel of judges was actually pretty hot. Heather Mills, Christian Siriano, Kimber from Nip/Tuck, Ken Paves and Hope from Days of Our Lives in one room together! Train wreck!

TyTy Baby brought some of the Top Model girls out of the woodwork (aka their day jobs Howard Johnson's) for the 1st Annual Fiercee Awards. The award show is the weave child of TyTy and will air on her talk show. The awards will honor or dishonor past contestants on the reality show.

At first I thought this was a Miss Beautiful Tranny America pageant. WTF happened to some of these girls? Did they have dicks put in? I chose Jade for the main photo, because she was always one of my favorites. She's looks like the tranny love child of Bai Ling and Grace Jones. Jade will always have my heart for saying, "Posing with an elephant, it's like posing with an ancient dinosaur. And elephants are in the dinosaur family."

Below are some of the girls that showed up for this whacked out event. Roll your mouse over the picture to get the ho's name. Caridee and Toccara look the hottest. Jay Manuel is wearing more make-up than all those girls put together. Jaslene looks like she's a contestant for Miss Puerto Rico 1982.

You cannot tell me that this is Beyonce in a new House of Derriere ad! I don't believe it. If it is her, then Solange has definitely been taking nighttime Photoshop classes down at the Learning Annex. She's been preparing for the day she can finally ruin one of Beyonce's ads. The day has come. Solange is definitely behind this fuckery.

The Fury nailed it when they said Beyonce was copying The Fight Club poster. She always has to be copying somebody. I know a few people that would love to join Beyonce's fight club. Flying wigs!

Diddy's twins, D'Lila Star and Jessie James (yes, Jessie James), made an appearance at the finale of "Making the Band 4" in NYC last night. Diddy should've put the twins to work, because I'm sure they can sing better than those Danity Kane chicks.

I do love Aubrey O'Day though. Just when I thought she couldn't look even more like a tranny mess, she shows up in crap like this. What the fuck is she wearing in the third thumbnail below? Somewhere in the world, a tranny dominatrix is missing her uniform. It's Easter and I'm hungover as hell. I really don't need to be looking at this shit.

Carmit Bachar of The Pussycat Dolls has announced that she's leaving the group. The girls probably found out that doll didn't have a pussy. Carmit wrote on the group's website:

Dear PCD fans,

I wanted to be the first to tell you that I am no longer in the Pussycat Dolls but we will always be sisters forever! Thanks to all the dedicated fans for your unconditional love and support! Exciting news is coming and I promise to keep you all posted!

Much love,
Carmit

That bitch was my favorite! I always love the ones with dicks. She's probably going to finally get the snip. You go Carmit! Skip into the world and become the woman you've always wanted to be.

Since there's an opening the group, I'd like to the propose the perfect (and I mean perfect) replacement. This bitch was born to be a Pussycat Doll. And I present to you:

There were rumors that Vh1 was planning to put New York on another reality show and now it's been confirmed. New York will star in "New York: From Pre-Op to Post-Op." No, I wish. New York will actually star in a reality show called "New York Goes to Hollywood." The show will follow the tucked one as she moves to the city of angels and tries to make it into show business.

The press release reads:

“New York has to put her last conquest, Tailor Made, on the backburner as she tries to take on Tinsel Town. She’s moving out west to see if she can climb the Hollywood ladder.”

Climb the Hollywood ladder? That's a nice way of saying she's going to be working Santa Monica Blvd. She better practice her tuck, because those Los Angeles johns can be real picky.

When are they going to put New York out of her misery already? What's next? "New York Gets Married" and "New York Has A Baby." Oh, silly me. Trannies can't give birth.

This an amazingly awesome tranny fight from TMZ. It all starts when this one tranny is talking to the camera about how they couldn't get into the club, but that's ok, because she's going to be the most famous person ever or something like that. She goes on and on and then all of a sudden her friend yanks her weave for basically no reason. They start going at it for a half a block until the popo had to step in and ruin the fun.

Somebody needs to parachute these bitches into the "Flavor of Love" house now. That show needs help and these two hot bitches are the ones to do it.

No, your company IT department did not crash the Grammys wearing Kay Jewelers new douche grill and thinking they are the shit. It's rapper Paul Wall and jeweler Johnny Dang. Johnny is responsible for making those diamond grills. Please, that shit was made with a bedazzler and a few rhinestones. I would only approve of this if their grills were permanently wired into their jaw, shutting their mouths completely. Although, if they gave you head would your private area be covered in sparklies? I like that.

Speaking of dumb tools, Brooke Hogan was also at the Grammys. I'm guessing the skank ho factor wasn't up to par, so they could in the big guns.

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New York's tuck is proper, but it looks like having her nuts frozen to the inside of her butt cheeks has gotten to her. New York and Tailor Made were at the opening of Suzie Wong nightclub in NYC the other night when she flipped out. Witnesses say she was screaming at him and pointing her finger at him reports Page Six. I am praying they don't break up, because I really don't know if I can deal with another "I Love New York." My soul is already on edge from "Celebrity Rehab" and "Rock of Love 2."

Tailor Made just needs to toss her salad for a few hours and she will be straight. Trannies love ass licking. Above is New York at Suzie Wong. Thank Allah for hot pink nail polish, because it's the only thing that's saving my eyes from the rest.

Shanna Moakler also attended the opening and it looks like she got herself a new leather handbag! It looks vintage and sort of worn out, but I'm sure it does the job.

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