Tranny Mess

Brooke Hogan's album sold 3,500 copies (Yeah, that many) or some shit in its first week, so shouldn't she be dusting off her shelves for all the Grammys she's going to receive or perfecting her tuck game for her massive stadium world tour? You would think. But instead, Brooke Hogan is out giving interviews to Sirius where she's busting on everyone from Beyonce to Cassie to camels (aka her mom):

On Beyonce: "She needs to go and make some babies and chill."

On Cassie's nekkid internet pictures: "Don't show it if it's not right. It's all stretched out."

The funny thing is that Beyonce probably doesn't even know what a Brooke Hogan is. Bitch probably thinks it's a sandwich at Quizno's (lukewarm roast beef served on a stale flat bun with a heaping dollop of bullshit sauce on top). As for Cassie, Brooke is just jealous. Brooke can tuck her dick in between her thighs and pretend she has a vag all she wants, but we all know the truth. And Cassie's "stretched out" vagina is still a zillion times prettier than Brooke's "sperm-count killing" face.

The majority of bitches on Twitter seem to agree. I just spent the last 30-minutes taking notes on the bitchery against Brooke happening on Twitter. Here's just a taste:

arckaye @brookehogan ♥ I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.

seanblendy @brookehogan Is it possible for your balls to drop lower than your album did?!

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

VIA ONTD

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

While you were buying economy-sized condoms, suppositories and a jumbo bottle of Chardonnay at Wal-Mart in Cooper City, FL yesterday, you might have run into Brooke Hogan in the tube sock section signing copies of her van door portrait called Redemption. After the autograph signing, I hope you stuck around to watch Brooke demonstrate how to achieve a perfect tuck using a BVD jockstrap, frozen Otter Pops and Equate brand panty liners.

Last night, Brooke put her tuck game to the test by performing her famous drag show at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel with her mini-boyfriend Stack$ (pronounced: a-hole).

Thanks to all Brooke's hard work and dedication this weekend I'm sure her album will go double aluminum foil. At least!

Hot Slut of the Week alumni and the country's first tranny mayor, Stu Rasmussen, is facing criticism by a bunch of jealous bitches who just don't understand Stu's version of glamour.

Silverton Together, a non-profit group that works with chirruns, filed a complaint, because they don't think the Mayor of Silverton, Oregon should run around looking like a common tramp. The HBIC of Silverton Together, Ken Hector, said Stu went too far when he spoke to a group of students while wearing a bathing suit top, mini skirt and fuck-me heels. Ken said, "This was a business meeting pure and simple and it was not something on his free time."

Ken needs to touch himself more, because in my circle that outfit is good enough for Sunday church. It's not like Stu was wearing a fur thong and a t-shirt that said "Suck My Dick While Fondling My Titties." Some people really need to watch more Vh1.

Stu says it was hotter than "Tommy Girl's Scientolohole while watching Spartacus" that day, so that's why he wore that outfit. Stu said the dress code doesn't apply to him since he's not completely a woman or man.

Then Stu actually said these words: "I like looking in the mirror and seeing a fairly attractive woman looking back. If you discount the face, an amazing looking woman." Sorry, Stu, but that face isn't even going to sell at the 99 Cent Store. WELL! Stu handed that joke on a silver platter.

I suggest that the next time Stu wears that outfit, he slip on a pair of exquisite lucite heels. Everyone will be so mesmerized by his heels that they won't even notice the outfit. Let the power of the lucite save you, Stu!

Sasha Fierce cranks out a video every week and here's her latest one for "Sweet Dreams (ARE NOT Made Of These)." This could easily be used a promo for season 2 of RuPaul's Drag Race, because Sasha Fierce is dragging it up for HER LIFE. Sasha's tuck game cannot be beat!

I hope Papa Knowles gave Basement Baby an extra 5-minutes to play with her stick friends in the backyard for editing this video on her DOS machine. She deserves it.

I also like the cameo by CP3-Tranny at the very end. It was a nice touch. FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! I GIVE FACE!

Usher has officially filed papers asking for The BIG D from Tameka Foster. No, not the "big dick." Usher wants to quit that bitch after nearly 2 years of being tied down to her legally. There were rumors on Thursday that Usher filed that morning, but he actually waited until Friday. TGIF?

A source told People that for about a year Usher has been staying away from Tameka. Probably because her nutstack hangs lower than his and he's always been self-conscious of that. It's understandable. The source said that Tameka hasn't been bothered by Usher not being around to crank her cock, because she spends her time focusing on their two baby sons and the three sons she has with another dude.

You know Usher's mother is going to be doing the moonwalk all around town while singing her own acoustic version of The Hives' "I Hate To Say I Told You So." That image will get me through the weekend. And so will the image of Tameka hiking up her chonies (the ones with the dick hole) to battle Usher for that MONEY. Git it! Unleash your T-rex jaw of fury on Usher's checking account!

Danny Noriega, the MiserAlba look-alike from American Idol, has unleashed a new video to the world and it's a homemade wreck! Do DOS machines still exist, because this shit might have been made on one. Aw. I shouldn't say that. This wasn't homemade. I'm sure it was shot at the finest music video booth Six Flags has to offer. The effects are spellbinding. Danny's video features every standard MS Windows screensaver. That has to be a first.

Who is this Diamonique person? I bet you her real name is Crystal and she's a part-time "sales associate" at Wet Seal. Danny had to let her be in the video, because she provided the wardrobe. You know how that goes. But Danny made one huge mistake. Where is his gorgeous cholita mother? Everything Diamonique did (or didn't) do, Danny's gorgeous cholita mother could have done better! When are her perfect eyebrows going to get their time in the spotlight?

As for the song, I'm so glad this didn't come out when I was 16. I would've been bobbing my ass to this at the all-ages club thinking I was it.

VIA Vote For The Worst

This public display of pure organic fuckery does not belong on the cover of an album. It belongs on the hood of a Trans-Am owned by a tranny chaser. This is every kind of WRONG. I know the recession has made all of us do some shit we're not proud of, but getting your album artwork drawn by a fourth-rate t-shirt airbrush artist from your local strip mall is not the answer.

VIA Idolator

Cher just might tear herself away from her custom-made oxygen crypt long enough to shoot scenes in Xtina's debut movie Burlesque (I want to see jazz hands in the air when you read that title).

It was already announced that Xtina would star in the movie musical as a small-town girl who dreams of being a singer but finds herself thrusting her crotch at a burlesque club. The working title should be, Showgirls: The Whores Are Alive With The Sound Of Music!

Entertainment Weekly says that Cher is in final talks play the owner of the club. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!! !!!! Seriously, the camp level of this movie will hit the heavens if Cher is in it. I mean, Cher and Xtina wearing sparkly nipple tassles while singing and shaking their chichis?! All this ridiculousness needs is a random scene where Joan Collins storms into the club and slaps Cher for no reason. That would make this soon-to-be cinematic wreck the glittery cherry on top of my life sundae. Is it really too early to order my tickets on Fandango?

And if you live in the Los Angeles area, you better stock up on all your cosmetics right now. This movie is going to empty out every single make-up counter in the city.

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.