Attack of the Clones
I've put this attack of the clones comparison after the jump, because it has a huge spoiler in it. So if you haven't seen any of the new season of Mad Men, put your eyes on this GIF compilation of Joan's best nothavingyourshit moments from Sunday's episode (no spoilers, I think). For the rest of you, GO!
Last year, a picture made the rounds of Daniel Day-Lewis eating a salad while showing us what it would look like if Abraham Lincoln co-founded Apple and invented the iPhone that picture was taken on. Well, here's an official picture of DDL in full Lincoln drag in Steven Spielberg's Lincoln, which comes out in November and also stars Sally Field as Mary Todd Lincoln. DDL looks more like Lincoln than that creepy animatronic Lincoln in Disneyland's Hall of Presidents. You just want to scream at that picture, "DON'T SIT THERE! GO TO THE BATHROOM! GET SOME FRESH AIR! THIS PLAY SUCKS ANYWAY! GET A KARDASHIAN TO FILL YOUR SEAT!"
And I know Lincoln is supposed to be getting into the play, but those slightly rolled eyes to me that he's rolling his second blunt.
On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).
This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.
So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.
Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.
On the left is the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir signing copies of his memoirs at Macy's in Philadelphia the other day. On the right is the forever reigning pretty pretty prince of the Internet Peter Pan Dude.
Both are what a fluffy white chicken would look like if it tried to escape the farm by disguising itself as Dorothy Hamill. Both could actually convince a room of strangers that Stuart from MADtv was based on them. Both could bedazzle a sheet of toilet paper by wiping their derrieres on it. Both piss hummingbird juice and huckleberry nectar. Both could give a sparkler show just by burping. And both have a nickname for their peen that could double as the name of a Popple.
Johnny is not one to Xerox copy a ho's entire look, so I will assume he's paying homage to the one and only Peter Pan Dude. I mean, who doesn't open their closet in the morning and tell themselves that they want to look like Moe Howard meets Peter Pan Dude meets a Palm Springs divorcee?
Neversquare at ONTD just had to point out how much Ke$sha looks like John Travolta in the face.....and in the crotch too, probably. DAMN TO THE FUCK! How am I going to watch Grease without picturing Danny Zuko barfing in Parasite Hilton's closet or licking Mick Jagger's asshole (Ed note: That probably happened in real life).
This must be some kind of Scientology trap, because I'd be willing to go through a week of Tommy Girl's Booty Camp in order to unsee that image. I didn't mean that, Scientologists. Please don't come beating on my front or back door.
Anyway, here's more of John Travolta's secret love child with a sewer rat dipping her never-ending crotch in Bondi Beach today.
At yesterday's Chanel show in Paris, Jehovah's sexiest witness, Prince, strolled in wearing your grandma's Sunday church suit and carrying your pimp's weekday cane. BOW DOWN! Shortly after, RiRi strolled in wearing Prince's HAIR. Oh, how I would have loved to be a fly in Karl Lagerfeld's rice noodle ponytail so that I could witness Prince throwing shade at RiRi for taking his look! When doves cry, it's because Prince stared them down.
And where can I get an application to be Prince's hand-holder, because that is the job to have.
When Karina Smirnoff Ice came prancing out on Dancing with the Has-Beens last night with a head full of disco curls, I immediately got flashes of Gina Montana, the second hottest bitch in Scarface (next to The Pfeiff, of course).
The fact that Karina didn't scream "If I wanna fuck 'em, Tony, then I'll fuck 'em!" halfway through her number was kind of illegal. If you're going to take on hair like that, you have to own it. Lots of shoulder thrusting, lots of coke snorting and a ton of shouting. And you have to do all of that with a gun in your hand and your body draped in either sequins or satin. Karina needs to hit up Blockbuster (or did that shit go out of business yet?), study that shit and try again.
Here's Karina with that sexy beast known as Maksim at some TV Guide party last night along with some other whores. If you give an eff, they are in order: Simon Baker, Eva Longwhoria, my future no-no tickler, that slut Kelly Taylor, Christina Hendricks, busted teef lady and Roidy McRoidlips.
Today Show aired a small preview of Crazy Baby Lady's interview with Ann Curry this morning and I immediately got serious St. Angie Jo flavor from her. Crazy Baby Lady might be the ultimate Brangaloonie!!!!! She's totally going to name her 8 babies, Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne, Knox, Zahara, Cool and F.Aniston.
But seriously, Nadya Suleman and her cooking oil-injected lips, sat down with Ann Curry (good morning, good morning) yesterday to discuss her crazy baby loving ways. The entire interview will air on Monday morning and Tuesday night on NBC. NBC claims they didn't pay her shit for the interview even though there were rumors that Nadya was trying to get $2 million a pop.
You can watch the preview below, but for those of you that can't, let me sprinkle a few quotes for you:
On not being able to afford her ten million kids:
“I know I'll be able to afford them when I'm done with my schooling. If I was just sitting down watching TV and not being as determined as I am to succeed and provide a better future for my children, I believe that would be considered, to a certain degree, selfish.”
On why she is the greatest mama je'e in the universe:
“Everything I do, I'll stop my life for them and be present with them. And hold them. And be with them. And how many parents do that? I'm sure there are many that do, but many don't. And that's unfortunate. That is selfish.”
On why she risked carrying 6 embryos instead of just 1 or 2:
“Those are my children, and that’s what was available. It’s a gamble.”
On why she wants an army of BABIES!!!:
"That was always a dream of mine, to have a large family, a huge family, and I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up."
On what she lacked growing up:
"I didn't feel as though, when I was a child, I had much control of my environment. I felt powerless. And that gave me a sense of predictability. Reflecting back on my childhood, I know it wasn't functional. It was pretty dysfunctional, and whose isn't?”
Survey says? Bitch is batshit crazy! She should be sitting down with a team of psychiatric professionals. Not with Ann Curry. Again, clip below or full article at MSNBC.
It's a before and after Botox ad! You know, because Courteney Cox has also tried that shit once and it wasn't for her. Uh huh. And Jennifer Aniston doesn't call her every night to play "pretend boyfriend."
Demi Moore is 45 and Court is 44. There's a good reason why Demi looks younger. It's because most of her body is younger than Court. Court should ask Demi for her plastic surgeon's name and number, because she's looking a little "Vadgey" in the face.
Here's more of Dem and Cox at Glamour's Reel Moments last night.
I can only tell Brooke Hogan and her daddy's girlfriend apart, because the other chick has a turtle head. Seriously, I think one of Brooke's low hangers is bigger than that chick's head. Other than that, they pretty much look like twins.
I'm sure Hulk Hogan is always crawling into the wrong bed. Ugh. Gross. I swear that house is full of SUCIO!