Animal Stories

It could be the Duane Reade flu liquid caps talking, but this video has me fucking mesmerized. I feel this dog is trying to tell me something really damn important. Timmy's stuck in the well? Rojo Caliente's strap-on is stuck in Cynthia? I don't know, but I've been watching it over and over again.

This is also how I act after I've had too many Kamikaze shots.

Thanks Edan

It's been a little over a week since the live feed puppies bounced into my heart of stone and shattered it with their hours and hours of sleeping, sniffing, playing, sleeping, sneezing and more sleeping! Although, lately they've been much more animated. Yesterday, I saw one of the puppies do some R-rated shit with another puppy. Incest is not best.

The live feed puppies have taken the world by storm! Three million have tuned in to my favorite show so far.

Bitches who don't even give a fuck about animals are saying good night to the puppies before bed. People talked to the San Francisco couple who set up the webcam so that they could look over their puppies during the day. They set it up not knowing they were creating an international phenomenon that has taken away hours from my usual porn and reality show watching schedule. HOLD UP. As I'm writing this shit, two of the puppies are tag teaming another one! It's screaming and shit. SAVE IT! You see what this does to me? I'm like emotionally involved.

The puppies caretaker and videographer said, "We've received a number of emails from people who are in hospitals battling various diseases who have told us that they look to the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam as a way to liven up their spirits."

Unfortunately, you can't buy these puppies. They are all spoken for.

The puppies are Shiba Inus. The mommy's name is Kika. The daddy isn't around. He's one of those "love and leave 'em" types. They were born on October 7th. Their names are: Girls: Autumn (purple collar), Ayumi (yellow collar), Amaya (red collar), Aki (green collar), Akoni (black collar) and Ando (blue collar).

What am I going to do when they go away? My world is going to shatter! When they finally go away, all of you can set up a webcam up in my padded room as entertainment, because I'm probably going to finally snap when the puppy live feed stops.

Let's not think about that. Let's just make the time we have with them count.

When I first heard that "Cashmere Mafia" got flushed down the toilet and "Lipstick Jungle" got picked up for the season, I bitched out my Tivo for not preventing this. It wasn't its fault, but I had to call someone a cunt. I didn't understand why "Cashmere" got canned! It had a gayelle, Miranda Otto and Lucy Liu wearing disco dresses and leather gloves during the day. What more could you want?!

Well, I'm so happy I could barf to learn from The Ausiello Files that "Cashmere's" arch rival "Lipstick Jungle" is most likely getting canceled. Sources say that producers of that shit fest were told yesterday and it's not known if it will be yanked from Tivos right away. HAHA! And Lindsay Price better not even think of running off to "90210," because I hated that bitch Janet with a fucking passion.

"Lipstick" isn't the only show getting a cardboard box funeral. "My Own Worst Enemy" is reportedly also getting the ax. Don't ask me what the hell that show is, because I can't even begin to guess. AND over at Fox, Defamer claims "MadTV" is DONE. A source at Fox said they are finishing up the current season, but it won't be back after that. The whores at SNL better shuffle off to Fox for their "Every Cast Member Must Go" sale. Keegan Michael-Key is now available!

Since both NBC and FOX have timeslots they need filled, might I suggest the clip blow. They can play it on a loop. Ratings GOLD!

Thanks Sahra

The Taronga Zoo in Australia got themselves a brand new baby pygmy hippo named Monifa and I guess it's like a big deal, because reporters and shit were on hand to document her cuteness. I did get a little "awww" in my throat when watching Monifa lick the zookeeper's hand. But what if you're sitting there, thinking it's so adorable that Monifa is licking on your hand with her silly tongue and then all of a sudden she gets the "instinct" in her and bites your fingers off. Then you have no fucking fingers!

When you go to shake someone's hand and suddenly remember that you have to use the other one because you have no fingers, you'll think of how you fell for Monifa's cuteness! When you're driving down the street with your hook hand and its shininess reflects off the sun and temporarily blinds you, causing you to crash into a tree, you'll think of Monifa.

That said, can we get a live feed of Monifa the pygmy hippo! I want to see her adorably lick fingers and possibly bite them! And speaking of live feeds, it's time to check up on the PUPPIES!!! I have been treating this live feed like its my fucking newborn baby. I check up on the puppies like a million times a day. This morning, the mommy was with her puppies. I got so excited that I clapped. Seriously. Clapped by my fucking self. I really need to look into getting one of those things called "a life." But then when would I have time to look at the PUPPIES!!!!!

Here's a quick video of President Bush's dog, Barney, chilling out today when some White House reporter gets all in his business! Barney wasn't having it so he snapped at the reporter's annoying ass. Hood rat stuff!

Couldn't that dumb ass reporter see that today is not the day for Barney! He's fucking grouchy because he has to move all his happy little shit out of the White House soon. Barney hates packing.

A little while later, the reporter then shows off the injured finger, which had to be tended to by a doctor. Please. Barney didn't do shit. I know how that dude effed up his finger. Finger bangin' gone wrong!

Thanks LV426

It's puppies sleeping! It's puppies yawning! It's puppies sneezing! It's puppies cuddling! It's puppies scratching! It's puppies sleeping some more! Puppies! Puppies! Puppies!

Click here if you can't see the live feed above of adorable puppies sleeping in a box. I've been watching this for at least one hour straight and I've come to the scientific conclusion that puppies sleep a lot.

This is still a million times more entertaining and interesting than an episode of "The Hills."

Thanks to Carolyn

It's about that time when we check with the tortured creature known as Daisy Simpson. Yup, she still has "end my misery" written in her eyes. Daisy probably spends more of her day putting her paws together and praying to the gods that Ken Paves turns her into one of his raggedy weaves already.

Daisy, just remember that if that big-tittied frog becomes too much to handle, there's always the "bite the bagina" option. I've posted this hot shit video before, but it's been making the rounds again and Daisy needs to study it for possible future reference. "He jump on my bagina because he get so crazeee!" I need that on my tombstone.

Please pray for Mickey Rourke's dog. This animal has seen things that no creature should ever have to see. Things that he can never unsee no matter how hard he rubs hie eyeballs with his little paws. Just imagine having to wake up to that face every morning. It's like watching "The Ring video" over and over again.

And that's not a collar the pooch is wearing, it's a built-in defibrillator.

Here's Mickey, his face of death and scaredy pooch in Rome.

File this under: big beautiful ponies gone wild!

Meet 12-year-old Fat Boy from England. Early Tuesday morning, Fat Boy escaped from his stable and broke into a nearby garden where he partied like a Wino by feasting on fermented apples. The rotting apples had begun to ferment and produce alcohol. Can I get the recipe?

Fat Boy must have boozed way too much, because as he made his way across the garden, he accidentally stumbled into the pool. Okay, that's not really a pool. It's more like a swamp ditch.

He was discovered a while later by Sarah Penhaligon who heard his drunk splashes from her bedroom. Sarah went to the pool to see if she could help him. He was splashing around, trying to get out. Sarah tried to calm him by giving him more booze apples. Enabler!

Sarah then figured she should call the po po for help. Police officer and firefighters quickly showed up. After two hours of work, they were finally able to pull the party pony out of the cesspool. Fat Boy was returned to his owner. He's currently drying out at Promises rehab facility in Malibu, CA.

Once Fat Boy breaks out of rehab, I need to party with him. We'll get some booze apples, a couple of hookers, a few grams of sugar cubes and just go wild.

The raggedy puff ball known as Aubrey O'Day loves to go out every night to do "slut bag stuff," but must she drag poor Ginger with her every time? I'm sure Ginger really wants to be around a bunch of drunk whores who spill their Mojitos on her. Actually, she probably puts her little paws together and prays at night that someone will drop a cocktail on her, so that it can wash away that dye.

How long has Ginger been wearing that hideous hair color for? Like a month? If that shit is temporary, shouldn't it wash out rather quickly? That means the pooch hasn't had a bath for at least a few weeks. Vom.

My dog gets a bath once a week like clockwork. I'm obsessive about it. I brush him once a day and wash him once a week or else he'll smell like rotten ass jelly. His ass jelly smell mixed with my butt grease stench could kill baby birds.

Little Ginger not getting her ass washed regularly makes sense, because Aubrey looks like soap hasn't touched her skin in a while. That being said, I still adore her like a pair of low hangers. Don't ask me why.

Here's Aubrey and her suicide watch dog at a Paper Magazine party last night. I also threw in some pictures of Amanda Lepore, because this post called for a little tranny hotness.