Animal Stories

Back in December, I posted some shit about the thieving dog of Murray, Utah! The hot bitch slyly walked into a Smith's grocery store, headed directly for the pet aisle, grabbed a bone and busted out of that bitch without being caught! Well, technically, she was caught on video, but they didn't catch her ass! Until now. The bitch's owners made her turn herself in!

The bone robber's name is Akira and she belongs to the most elegant couple in Utah. They even drive a Hummer, so that means they have class! Akira's dumb bitch owners brought her back to the scene of the crime so she could dog up and pay for the bone. They are fun killers. Akira is going to piss in her owners' UGHS (you know they own a pair in every color) for doing this shit to her. Next time, homebitch better wear one of these.

Those eyes have seen the flames of Hell close-up! Punxsutawney Phil once again delivered us horrific news: six more weeks of freezing our ass lips off! Motherphuka! Phuck off, Phil!

I swear, Phil's groundhog hole (or wherever he comes from) probably leads directly to Satan's bed chambers. He pulled this shit last year! Can't he just lie to us? Phil can easily waddle out and keep his eyes straight. He doesn't have to look at his shadow, he can just keep his evil eyes up and straight forward. This bitch wants us all to suffer in pain!

You know, I can't say I totally blame him. Every year, he has to shuffle out, knowing that a couple of pepaws are going to grab all over his business. He's making us suffer right along with him. I mean, look at the shit he has to put up with:

By the way, over in Staten Island, Chuck the groundhog didn't see his shadow which means Spring is coming early! So, who to believe? Yeah, I think we should all roll with Chuck this year.

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone!

What in the tranny black bear hell is that shit on Pete Wentz's feet? Was the "I'm An Asshole" store having clearance a sale? And by the "I'm An Asshole" store, I mean Ashlee Simpson's closet.

We should fast track BMw Baby's emancipation papers, because this shit right here is a form of child abuse. I mean, Pete is Mimi on the bottom and a bag of dildos on top. It's sad that there's a faaaaaabulous Wookie somewhere with cold ass feet.

And don't even say he's gay for wearing this fuckery. I know you're seriously thinking it and just erase that thought away. Being gay and being a famewhoring dick bag are two very different things. I don't know one singular homo who would dirty their fancy little feet with this shit. Well, maybe just Gay Al Reynolds, but he would only rock this shit in the comfort of a circuit party.

Seen here is former French President Chirac with his pet Maltese Poodle Sumo. Sumo may seem like your regular poodle: barks at anything that moves, loves rhinestone collars against its fur, sticks its nose up at mutts... etc...etc.. Well, Sumo isn't your regular bitch. The motherfucker is certifiable! The crazy bitch reportedly went after Chirac for no reason and mauled his French ass (or face, this hasn't been confirmed)! Maybe Chirac told Sumo his butt looked fat. You know how bitchy those poodles can be.

Chirac's wife said Sumo has become crazier and crazier over the years. He's like the gay ass version of Cujo! Cujosofierce! The bitch was diagnosed "clinically depressed" and is currently on anti-depressants. She said, "The dog went for him for no apparent reason. We were already aware the animal was unpredictable and is actually being treated with pills for depression. My husband was bitten quite badly, but he is certain to make a full recovery over the coming weeks."

Maybe Sumo was sick of taking Prozac or whatever the fuck they are hiding in his Fancy Feast (you know he eats cat food, he's that elegant). Bitch just wants a damn joint and a DRANK so he can mellow the hell out.

It's obvious that Sumo and Chirac can no longer be best girlfriends. That's why I'm suggesting that Parasite Hilton adopts Sumo. The ugly whore loves dogs, right? Once he's done mauling the wonk off her face, he can go live with Jessica Simpson, then the Kardashians....and so on and so forth.... Sumo: Mauling the dumb bitches of Hollywood one bite at a time!

Thanks DK

And by the looks of that dog's face, he hates her ass too. Or maybe he's just pushing out a shit bubble? Probably the latter. This pooch's butt wind, among other things, is why CNN's Soledad O'Brien is trying to get him evicted! Soledad, the secretary of her NYC co-op board, sent a 20-page affidavit to Ugo the dog's owners stating he's nasty as shit so he must get the fuck out. Yes, I'm sure that sentence was somewhere in those 20-pages.

Soledad and the other board members claim Ugo is too big and he slobbers, sheds, drools and farts everywhere. Steven Lyons, Ugo's owner, told the NY Post, "She told me at a shareholder's meeting that my dog stinks. Her behavior has been particularly outrageous." Steven also said that he tried to work with the board. He takes Ugo to get groomed three times a month and offered to use the freight elevator when walking him so that his neighbors don't have to see him that often. None of that shit impressed the board, because Soledad signed a notice canceling the family's lease. So either the family will be homeless or Ugo will.

Poor, farty Ugo. Doesn't he look sad? He knows that soon he might not have neighbors to crop dust on and that depresses him. I want to know how bad are Ugo's farts? Are his farts so fucking awful that they are seeping through the walls and singeing nose hairs? Or is Soledad hanging out in the hallways and elevators all the time? I'm sure this dumb bitch hardly comes in contact with Ugo and his toxic butt. How would that ho like it if someone sent her a 20-page affidavit saying that her queefs are making eyeballs sweat. That damn witch wouldn't appreciate it. I hope one of Ugo's deadly farts creeps into Soledad's closet and melts on one of her shoes.

That said, I've witnessed a Mastiff going doody time before. It was an experience my tongue will never forget, because I could seriously taste it. It tasted like overboiled corn and fried chipped beef.

Thanks Liz

The RSPCA over in the UK is crying about bitches overdressing their dogs and said they might start threatening legal action. That's what the Daily Mails says anyway. Whores at the RSPCA thinks it's dangerous for dogs to be wearing boots, pants, hoodies and other shit.

The spokeswhore for the RSPCA said, "Dog owners should be aware that under the Animal Welfare Act that came into force in April 2007 they have a duty of care to ensure that all of their pets' needs are met. One of those needs is to express normal behaviour and it could mean that with restrictive clothing they are not able to do that properly. We're concerned that any pet should be viewed as a fashion accessory. Taking on an animal is a long-term commitment. It's quite humiliating and sends out the wrong message about pet care. We've seen trends in recent years brought about by the rise in celebrities with handbag dogs. This usually leads to people taking on pets because they are fashionable and sadly that means many are neglected."

First of all, my dog has to wear boots in the winter or he'll start screeching murder when he steps on a sidewalk salt nugget. It's awful. It's like the sound I made when I first got it in the butt. It's not something I want to hear all the time, so the boots have to go on!

Second of all, he gets the shakes if he doesn't have a sweater on during the winter! And it makes him feel fancy and beautiful. I know this. We talk. Yes, we only have words while I'm on acid, but that's how it's done. You know how Jem communicated to Synergy through her earrings? Well, I have to communicate with my dog through acid. Anyway, he tells me how glamorous he feels in clothes. He especially loves patterns and anything with phrases like "Talk to the Tail" or "I'll Sniff Yo Ass If I Want To." Ask him for yourself, but you have to drop acid first.

But seriously, I think that pooch in the picture hates it. I don't need to drop acid to hear her screams for help!

Image: Wenn

SJP has had it with Matthew Broderick's lies, cheating and drama! Well, that's what you deal with when you're shacking up with a gay. And she also probably got sick of his fresh dick cheddar breath and constant use of jazz hands. Seriously, I picture Matthew Broderick using jazz hands for everything. When he says "good morning," when he says "goodnight" and especially when he pops one. Actually, when he orgasms, he does the Rockette kick followed by jazz hands and a curtsy.

SJP is getting sick of all that drama queen shit, so she's moving the fuck out of their big gay townhouse. That's what Star Magazine claims anyway. Their sources said SJP has hired a broker and is looking for her own apartment. "Sarah's not stupid. She knows exactly what's going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They're essentially living separate lives. They spent the holidays with him, pretending to be happy. SJP is a great actress when she has to be!"

I wish I could make a bitch about that "great actress" comment, but even I have to admit that her performance in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was riveting.

Why does she have to move out?! Isn't she's the one who's putting carrots and sugar cubes on the table? Besides, it wasn't cheap to install that stable and trough in the basement. He should get his jazz hand-loving ass out of there and into a Chelsea studio with a small kitchenette like a real gay!

And it makes sense that Miley's "first kiss" is with a homo dude's chin.

Naw, you aren't having an acid flashback. This squirrel is actually purple and his name is Pete. Pete the purple squirrel has become a local celebrity at the Meoncross School in Stubbington, Hampshire since he made his first appearance a little while ago. The teachers and students have gotten somewhat close to Pete to see how he got his purpley coat. One teacher said it doesn't look like it's paint, because Pete's entire coat is purple. It's not just in patches.

The Daily Mail got the advice of some animal expert. TV wildlife host Chris Packham said Pete has been hanging out in a building where old ink cartridges are kept. Because of this, he thinks Pete probably chewed on some purple cartridges and then licked himself with it.

Chris said, "Squirrels will chew anything even if it's obviously inedible. He is unlikely to have fallen into paint because that would probably have killed him. I imagine he'll return to his normal grey by spring when he moults."

What the hell kind of stupid reason is that? There has to be a better explanation on why Pete looks like one of Grimace's beady beads. Maybe he fell into my abuelita's hair dye? Or maybe he was in Los Angeles partying with Brit Brit. I'm sure too much PURPLE DRANK will fucking turn your ass purple. Wait. When did Robert Pattinson cut down his magical forest? I think I may have seen a purple squirrel bouncing around in there once or twice....

Whatever the reason is for Pete's purple coat, he's still magically precious. I'm sure he shits blueberries and pisses grape soda pop.

Where has Dennis Quaid been hiding this BBD (big beautiful dog)?! I need a dog friend just like this. I would have a six-pack from laughing so hard, because he would always be sticking out at his tongue at me. That looks silly! Actually, he's probably just sticking out his tongue to catch any random food particles that could be floating in the air. Good thinking.

When Mimi La Rue waddled off to heaven, it left a hole in my heart for fat pugs and now it's been filled by Dennis Quaid's big blob of adorableness.

Dennis is treating him like the king he is by not letting his paws touch the ground. He's too good for walking. Besides, if he tried to walk, I think his legs would break. Or the floor would break. Either or.

Here's Dennis and my new favorite celebrity dog at LAX today. He's holding him like a baby! And I am not right for posting the third thumbnail and Dennis' dog friend knows it.

There's some grossness going on with the site for IE users, so we're currently trying to fix that shit. And by "fix that shit" I mean having a noontime martini while staring at the screen and wondering why it's being like that. Probably needs a hug or hand job or both.

So while we're trying to get this mess together, watch this video of a pussy in a box. I guess he's kind of famous. He even has his own blog!

My favorite part is when the cat tries to slide at the end, but the box refuses to. The cat looks up at us, because he's wondering why the box is trying to kill his fun. Obviously, it doesn't want to have fun, because it's a DIET soda box. A regular soda box wants to party all the time.

VIA Videogum

(Thanks Ben)