Animal Stories

That could also work as the title of a HoHan/Samro sex tape should one ever surface.

Okay, this is really about a couch and a pussy, but cooch sounded so much better. Besides, cooch, couch! Kind of the same thing. Both are nice to lay on while watching TV. Although, I've been known to stick it in between couch cushions (that's some Nip/Tuck shit), but not in a cooch. I'm joking! No I'm not.

Now let's get out of the gutter and into this story. Vickie Mendenhall of Spokane, Washington went down to her local Value Village and bought a used couch for $27. Vickie brought the couch home and for the next couple of days heard some kind of meowing sound coming from it. Bitch probably thought her vag was rumbling again. Well, one night, her man, Chris Lund, was watching TV and felt something moving from inside. I would've slapped my ass lips thinking they were just acting up again, but Chris smartly pulled the sofa away from the wall. When he lifted it up, he found a hongray pussy inside!

Vickie immediately called the Value Village, but they had no idea who donated the couch. So Vickie took the stowaway pussy to the shelter she works at so that it could get its shit together and eat something. Vickie also contacted the local news and went on TV in hopes of finding the owner.

That shit worked, because Bob Killion claimed the pussy after one of his friend's saw it on TV. Bob donated the sofa to Value Village the same day his cat Callie went missing. And all was well again! But I bet you Chris misses the built-in massager in the couch now that it's gone.

And in the video below, the chihuahua at the 0:40 looks like he wants to crawl up into the couch and stay there for a long ass while. Bitch has got those "get me the fuck out of here" eyes.

Source

Posh did this to herself! If the ho wasn't blinded by her own ridiculousness, she'd see the statue of her long-lost ancestor and sit far away from it! This is some Twilight Zone shit.

Here's Posh at Becks leaving some restaurant in Milan last night. If you stare at her dress long enough she'll either disappear or you'll have a fucking seizure. If the latter happens, take your shaky ass down to your lawyer's office and sue the ho! Attack with a deadly (fill in designer's name here).

This little ball of utter adorableness is now prancing around the fields in heaven after a horrific fire took his young life. Martha Stewart delivered the heart-killing news via her Twitter. Martha barely got the Chow puppy she named Gengis Khan a few months ago. According to Martha, some kind of freak propane explosion is to blame. This is what she wrote:

And then about one hour later, she Twittered this:

I swear, only fucking Martha!

But seriously, this is fucking sad. Puppies aren't supposed to go to heaven so soon. Especially not like this! The sads in every way. Rest in peace, Gengis and all the other doggies who passed away in the accident.

VIA Valleywag

In the new issue of some shit called Hype Hair Magazine, Kim Zolciak of The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta gives hair tips. HAIR TIPS! Push me off the fucking tightrope, because I've heard it all!

Kim forgot to mention a few very important tips to getting her signature look. After you "release the curls," take the wig off your head, put it in a bag, go outside, find a rabid raccoon, throw it in the bag, walk to your dryer, toss the bag in and tumble on high for 45 minutes. When the timer goes off, pull your wig out (the raccoon should still be attached) and plop it on your head. Voila!

(Thanks Carol)

Gayle King's main spooner adopted an 8-week-old blonde cocker spaniel from PAWS animal shelter in Chicago on Sunday, so says UsWeekly. The Mighty O picked the bitch from a litter of six.

Oprah's last main bitches, Sophie and Solomon, went off to heaven last year. She still has her two Golden Retrievers, Luke and Layla.

Okay, why wasn't anybody notified that Oprah was about to adopt another dog? My ass would have gotten on the next Peter Pan bus to Chicago and found a way into that shelter. Since it sounds like Oprah wanted a blonde bitch, I would've snatched Kim Zolciak's broke down dog wig and plopped it on my head. While inside my shelter cage, I'd wag my ass, slobber all over myself and wink my eyes a lot. I do that shit all day anyway, but I'd turn it up for Oprah.

You know her bitches have the best lives. They eat filet mignon whenever they want it, shit on cashmere and drink only the purest water that would make an Evian bottle weep. Not to mention that she probably thinks it's funny when you bite at Gayle's bagina. Who cares if I'd have to lick up Oprah's toe jam on a nightly basis. IN THIS ECONOMY, that's a small price to pay for a life of luxury.

Mickey Rourke may have lost the top prize on Sunday, but he will get an Oscar of his very own to terrorize with his face that only Loki can love. That's because he's apparently going to adopt a chihuahua and name him Oscar. Mickey is still burning his face with tears over Loki, so he's hoping to mend the broken piece of his heart a little by getting another dog friend.

A source tells Radar, "Mickey has other dogs but he misses Loki terribly. He doesn't want to wait long either - he wants to get his new pooch this week. The new dog won't replace Loki but by naming it Oscar Mickey says he'll make his comeback year even more special."

We were totally ripped off on Sunday, because we didn't get a rambling Rourke rant. Methinks the FCC had something to do with that shit! Because of that, when Mickey gets his new Oscar, he better hold some kind of press conference and give us the speech we've all been waiting (and boozing) for!

Also, I hope Mickey adopts a needy chihuahua from one from the worst pet dungeons in the world: Parasite Hilton's house.

Some of us are still recovering from seeing Vadge's vintage sascrotch the first time. I still won't let my dog sit on my lap because it gives me terrible flashbacks. Well, you know what the say, the best way to conquer your fear is to face it again! That's why you have to (NSFL) click here to relieve the hairy fuggery all over again. Make you sure you zoom in and get a little closer. After your stomach has emptied itself all over your keyboard, it won't seem so bad. It's a shame she didn't enter it in Westminster. That cunt would've won Best in Show.

Anysugarpielivesonmadonnascooch, some bitch named Fabrizio Masoni bought that shit at auction for $37,500 yesterday.

Where the hell is he going to hang that mess? In his bathroom to remind him to shave every day? I could never have that thing it my house. My dog would annoy me by always wanting to cuddle next to it thinking it's his long-lost mommy.

Mickey Rourke laid down his response to those rumors that he's rubbing surgery scars with Courtney Love. While leaving some joint in NYC last night, Mickey said, “I’d rather be on a deserted island with a gorilla.”

This prompted every gorilla in the world to hit up their local wig shop, buy the rattiest blonde mop in the store, learn how to slur through every Hole song, develop an addiction to OxyContin and start a MySpace page where they will randomly rant about how everyone is stealing money from their asses. They need to do this shit in order to throw Mickey off their trail.

Here's the gorilla fucker in the most precious velvet slippers ever with his forever bff Loki in NYC yesterday afternoon.

I am like a puddle on the floor after seeing this picture of a fireman giving some water to a parched koala bear. Look at the koala's little tongue! And the koala's paw on the fireman's hand! The koala is so polite and so thankful! Like a little person! This makes me want to truckjack a Sparklett's water truck and drive through the ocean to Australia.

The koala friend was rescued by firefighters after it was found roaming a burned up forest 90 miles from Melbourne. The koala friend had burnt paws, but she's doing better now and will hopefully be released back into the wild in about 5 months. I wish it would be released into my arms in 5 months instead. But wait. Do they scratch at human faces? If so, I'll just "awww" from afar.

Also, friends and other have been sending me links on where to donate whatever you can to the victims and animal friends of the Victoria bushfires, so I'm passing that info on to you. Here's where you can drop some cash to help:

The Red Cross of Australia
Wildlife Victoria
RSPCA Victoria
The Salvation Army of Australia

With all the ugliness in the world today, I thought we'd take a little break to watch foxes on a trampoline. This is seriously the most captivating thing I've seen in 24-hours.

The white-tipped fox is so fucking fascinated by his new discovery. He wants do it again and again. He wants to know why this is happening. He needs answers! The other fox kind of just wants to sniff ass. Isn't that how it always is?

VIA Buzzfeed