Animal Stories

The co-star of your panty creaming dreams, Dog the Bounty Hunter, was shot at while trying to capture a dude wanted for murder! Police say it went down yesterday evening at an apartment complex in Colorado Springs, CO. Dog and his crew showed up with paintball guns to defend themselves. What the hell were they going to do? Get all Picasso on the murderer's ass?

Sadly for them, the suspect, 35-year-old Hoang Nguyen, had a gun and started shooting. But luck for him, Nguyen missed. Nguyen then escaped on a motorcycle, but was later caught by police at a Toys 'R Us.

Dog had a TV crew with him, but they missed the whole thing.

You know, Nguyen probably wasn't trying to kill a bitch. Dog's hideous mullet from Hell was burning Nguyen's eyes, so he was trying to shoot off the bottom of it. That's it. Oh and fortunately, not a weave strand was harmed on the always beautiful and precious Beth Chapman.

Source: ABC7 News Denver

Obviously, these two twats are getting dressed in two different closets in probably two different rooms! Matthew Broderick looks like a child toucher with a serious case of halitosis who charms you with his according playing and then offers you some candy from his jar. Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker is looking like a Day-glo Disco My Little Pony left on the dusty backroom storage shelf of a Toys R Us in Indiana since the 80s. If these two faglets can't even coordinate their outfits, how are they coordinating their genitals. They ain't!

And SJP's mug is looking especially filly-ish. Maybe she's full of guilt for throwing Vadge off of her back. Aw. Nibble on a sugar cube and don't be so hard on yourself, Pony. Any bitch would've tossed that roid beast off of them.

Here's Faggy and Haggy at the premiere of Mary Stuart on Broadway last night.

Please put a glob of peanut butter on a trap, so that the mangy tortured rodent attacking the back of Kate Gosselin's head can be put out of its misery. Business in the front, skunky in the back.

If Kate is really going to go there, she needs to commit! I want to see her wearing a flannel with a K.D. Lang t-shirt underneath it and a furry vagina in her mouth, because this hair has 90s bull dyke written all over it.

Here's Kate from that Jon & Kate Plus 8 show signing her new book at Barnes & Noble in Glendale, CA yesterday. Hopefully, Kate and Kim Zolciak are never in the same room together, because their mops would disappear into a dark corner together and mate. Nobody wants that.

At the Berlin Zoo yesterday, a crazy lady decided to take off her shoes and pay Knut a little visit! It was polite of her to take off her shoes before entering...

The 32-year-old loontardian, who was visiting the zoo with her husband and baby, broke into the polar bear enclosure during the perfect time: FEEDING TIME! Why are people stupid? Why?

When the crazy bitch finally got in, she seemed like she was filled with happiness as she swam towards one of the older polar bears. Knut was not around at the time, because he was doing a photo shoot with Playgirl or something. Now, I don't know what kind of craziness was swirling through that bitch's head while she swam towards a hongray polar bear. Maybe she thought it would be like the cartoons and they'd skip off together into the fake icy tundra. Obviously, that didn't happen.

The polar bears must have thought it was their fucking birthday! Here was a special needs seal swimming directly into their mouths! It didn't take long for them to begin biting at the bitch! When the kook realized the polar bears were gnawing at her instead of showering her with welcoming kisses, she began swimming towards safety. Some of the zoo workers tried to get the bears away from her while others hoisted the heifer up the wall with a lifesaver. The first time they tried, the lifesaver broke, but eventually they got her ass up there. The woman was taken to the nearest hospital where she was treated for bites to her arms and legs.

Nobody knows why she decided it was a good idea to try to play with the polar bears, but I think I know why. It's because she's FUCKING CRAZIER THAN FUCKING CRAZY! Let's be serious.

I think she also might be stalking Knut. Knut needs to look into taking out a restraining order against that nut!

Below is video of her rescue and also some pictures of her getting bit by a polar bear. Maybe he wasn't trying to eat her ass. Maybe he was getting kinky with her?

No, this is not a post about Heidi Montag. How dare you! I see the resemblance, but this horse's beauty tramples all over that one useless horse with a broke weave from The Hills who is getting on Jesus' last nerve. This is is a post about horses wearing wigs. That's it. Horses wearing wigs. Nothing really needs to be said after that. Well, it's also a post about how I'm pulling my pit hairs trying to not type the three words my fingers are aching to type. It's so obvious and that's why I'm trying to dig deep to not resist into temptation. But my fingers want to deliver me to evil. I'm fighting it. It's right fucking there just begging to be plucked. NO!

But seriously, Gisele Bundchen better watch her back, because these three are angling to knock her off the top! And they won't roll off the hay for less than 10,000 sugar cubes a day.

By the way, if you're looking at the tags and spanking me with your eyes for losing the fight, MAKE IT STING. I deserve it.

Normally that horse would throw the monkey off his back, but I think he got contact high from Wino's crackie-laced fumes, so he's rolling with it. Horsey looks so high that he probably thinks he's galloping through Manhattan in Manolos with Mr. Big riding his ass. Go with it, horsey. Go with it. Feel it.

So, Amy Wino is back on the island of St. Lucia! It looks like her crackhive got stopped in customs. It's not happy that it has to sit in quarantine while Wino goes and bongs it up on the island.

And should I be concerned with what's going on in the sixth thumbnail below? Where is Wino taking those children?! Eh. I guess you gotta learn sooner or later, so you might as well learn from the master!

Okay, Hollywood can now stop remaking shit, because here's an epic original story that's begging to be turned into a silver-screen trilogy. It has everything you need: a lost midget, a chihuahua, a forest, helicopters, friendship and true love! And it happened in real life! Mary-Kate Trollsen, call your agent!

It all started when the 45-year-old tiny lady who goes by the name of Beverley Burkitt decided to go for a morning walk with her chihuahua, Pebbles, near the camp site they were staying at in North Wales. Beverley went deep into the forest before realizing she dropped her cell phone somewhere. She also realized she was fucking lost! Instead of getting lost even more, Beverley sat her little ass down with Pebbles and waited for help to come. They weren't found until the next morning after a ground team and helicopters were sent out.

3'8" Beverley thanks 7" Pebbles for keeping her safe and warm through the night. She told The Sun, “Pebbles lay across my legs overnight and kept me warm. I was wearing a coat but it wasn’t as warm as Pebbles. I wasn’t too worried as I knew I’d be found sooner or later."

Don't ask me how Beverley got lost in a forest. I was under the impression that little people knew their way around every forest. Like it was a gene they were born with. But thankfully, Pebbles was there. This is why you should bring a chihuahua with you wherever you go. They SAVE lives! Although, something tells me after a few hours Pebbles was starting to look at Beverley like she was a little delicious chicken wing.

(Thanks Fay)

Matt Lauer was riding his bike over the weekend, probably pretending he's in the Tour de Frace, when a deer jumped in front of his ass which caused him to flip over the handlebars and fucked up his shoulder. Deer: 1, Lauer: 0.

Meredith Viera thought it was really fucking hilarious and joked about it on Today this morning when she explained why he wasn't at work. Meredith said, "Matt's banged up with a displaced shoulder, it popped out. Hopefully he'll be on the mend soon." Meredith said Matt thinks the animal was hired as a hit deer by the competition. Meredith added, "I hired the deer. Just graze him.'"

This is no time for their jokes! That poor deer will probably need years of therapy after coming that close to Matt Lauer's enormous ego. Looking his ego in the eye will scar you for years!

By the way, the deer was really a blonde prostitute who got a little too excited while she was riding his face, right?

Source

Kenley Collins, the pussy thrower of Williamsburg, has moved out of the Brooklyn apartment she shared with her fiance (now ex) Zac Penley after she was arrested for attacking him with a pussy and fruit. Kenley told The New York Post yesterday that she broke up with Zac, because she wants to stay in New York and he wants to travel. The loon forgot to mention that he wants to travel far, far, far away, change his name, get a sex change and pray that Kenley never finds him again.

The almost Mrs. Kenley Penley went on to say that she's going to let Zac keep the cat she threw at him! The cat that belongs to him! Not only is she crazier than a full season of Intervention, but she's also so fucking generous. Oh, Kenley, stick your head in a toilet and keep flushing until all the crazy pours out of your ear holes.

Kenley added, "The girl cat Sandra is mine and the boy cat Arlo (above) is his." Arlo might have been thrown across the room, but it sounds like he got off easy, because he doesn't have to live with Kenley. Sandra is fucked. Sandra better learn how to use a phone, so she can call in anonymous tips to the fucking ASPCA. I mean, having to listen to Kenley's screechy voice that can kill a morning has to be some sort of pussy abuse.

Kenley was charged with being a fucking psycho, throwing a pussy and abusing produce. Kenley could get 7 years in the clink if convicted.

No, it's not. It's the poster for the movie version of the only book that I read twice as a kid without skimming! It was my bestest friend for like two weeks. I really wanted a big, hairy friend of my own. And I got one years later, if I ain't being too subtle!

Damn, I hope they don't fuck this shit up!

VIA Slashfilm