Animal Stories

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait. I should translate that emotion into words Yvonne can understand. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The game is over for Yvonne the runaway cow. Grab a nearest utter and pour some leche out for her. The former Hot Slut and Bavarian hero was caught after 3 months on the run. In case for some reason your brain completely erased this highly important news story even though it should be running through your head every moment of the day, I'll give it to you quick. Yvonne knew something in the milk wasn't clean when her owner, a farmer, started feeding her delicious foods after delicious foods. Yvonne quickly realized that she was about to be turned into stomach food for humans, so she quit that bitch and strutted for safe lands while this song buzzed in her ears.

The running of Yvonne created a national mess. Hunters were trying to git her ass, the government stepped in to grant a bitch the right to shoot her and animal rights groups started their own search. Everybody wanted Yvonne! But the cunning cow was not trying to be found. She only grazed at night and turned the forest into her hideout.

Well, NPG reports that Yvonne was ratted out by some whores earlier this week. Yvonne was living on the down low on some farm near the Austrian border when an employee recognized her and the jig was up. Yvonne's owner has brought her back in and was told by the government that she must not be sent to the slaughterhouse.

Some dumbasses said that Yvonne must have been sick of living a life on the run and turned herself in by joining the other cows on that farm. MOO, please. Yvonne and I both knew this isn't how it was supposed to end. Yvonne was supposed to hook up with another cow on the run, get into a blue Thunderbird together, fuck Brad Pitt in a motel and then drive off Bavaria's version of the Grand Canyon (a super deep pot hole?). That's how this was supposed to end.

I'm just going to tell myself that the farmer actually took a sheep in Yvonne's clothing, and Yvonne is licking rum off of a pool boy's body in the Caribbean while wearing the sheep's clothing.

David Gest really needs to keep his bestiality fantasies involving Bubbles, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson to himself, because the world doesn't want to know the SUCIONESS that slithers around in the gutters of his imagination. Okay, maybe we do, because if he did keep that mess to himself we'd never have this hilariously creepy story about a chimp's toe sucking fetish. This is what David Gest said during a Michael Jackson documentary that's supposed to air in the UK this October:

“Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles."

HAHAHAHA. David needs to show us the receipts or shut his second face, because this really reads like bad fan fiction. Like Whitney would ever use the word "sensual." Bitch isn't Courtney Stodden! Whitney would say something like "Ooooh, baby, suck the dirt out of that nail!" or "Get that jam like your tongue is peanut butter and we're trying to swirl up some Goobers!" or "When you're done there, baby, use that sweet suction cup mouth to suck out my doodie bubble, because I got a boatload with a stuck anchor."

Wait. Maybe that's why they call him BUBBLES?! Shit. Good. Night.

via The Mirror

Both Brenda Song and Hilary Duff's wombs are full of sacrifices to Mickey Mouse, so Kevin Jonas said on Access Hollywood Live (via WFP) the other day that he's starting to feel the pressure from hos to produce an heir to the Disney throne with his wife of over a year (YES, they are still married, believe it or not) Danielle Deleasa.

Even though Kevin and Danielle sleep in completely different rooms, he says they're going to start making babies....as soon as they realize how babies are made. I'm not going to spoil it for Kevin. That's a touchy conversation for Mickey Mouse to have with Kevin when he busts into a panic attack meltdown after a boy on the playground tells him that the Birds and the Bees is not about a cartoon bird and a cartoon bee. (Side note: I was really disappointed when I found out that the Birds and the Bees was not a story about a damn fucking bird and a damn fucking bee).

Kevin put it like this:

"It's that point now where people are just like, 'Ok, so you've been married, when are you gonna have a kid?'

We've started to realize we might become those weird dog people. We have our two dogs, so we don't want to be those weird dog people, so maybe we're headed there sooner than we thought.

It's going to be part of our journey very soon, but not right now, exactly."

Weird dog people?! What does Kevin's ass mean by that?

Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who while he was eating a pear on the couch last night, chewed a little piece off for his chihuahua who kept staring at him with the eyes of a starving Ethiopian child? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when it rains, holds an umbrella over his shitting dog and doesn't care that a drop of pomade water stung his eyeball? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who performs a remake of Cliffhanger every night by hugging the edge of the bed, because he wants to give his dog as much sprawling room as possible? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when he goes out of town, calls the boarder and asks them to put his dog on the phone so he can let his pooch know that he hasn't forgotten about him? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who wouldn't even be mad if his dog ate his face off after he dropped dead in his apartment, because he knows a ho has to eat?

Okay, just making sure, so I know exactly what to tell people after they give me a WTF? look when I say that I can't go out because I have to make my dog a birthday cake out of whole wheat flour and shredded carrots (true story).

But seriously, Kevin needs to stop. Both he and Danielle instantly became creepy dog people as soon as they started dating each other.

Didn't Brenda Song's trainer teach her to always use a saddle (aka Trojan horse condom) when going horseback riding? I guess not, because Celebuzz is saying that inside of 23-year-old Brenda Song's womb a tiny fetus is putting its little tiny fetus hooves together and praying that the Song gene is its dominant one. A source tells them that Brenda, who was in some Disney crap and The Social Network, pulled some Catherine the Great shit on 22-year-old Trace Cyrus' horse dick and now she's going to birth out an Asian centaur that will gallop out of her pussy in a few months. Brenda led a horse to her vagina and it did more than DRANK.

While I NEEEEEIGH at the image of Auntie Noah and Auntie Miley try to pull an apple off of a tree to feed it to their nephew Flicka, read what Celebuzz had to say about this mess:

Big congrats to Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus! The couple is expecting their first child together, Celebuzz can exclusively report.

“They are beyond thrilled,” a source tells us. “They are about eight weeks along.”

The Social Network star and Miley Cyrus‘ brother have been quietly seeing each other for several months, but made their first appearance together on the red carpet at Nylon Magazine’s party in early May.

Trace’s publicist could not be reached for comment.

This Emo bestiality shit was probably Equus' original ending, but even Peter Shaffer knew he was going too far.

Well, the good news is that first time birth shouldn't be that bad for Brenda. All she has to do is shove a live snake up her ass and that hapa foal will come galloping for ITS LIFE out of her coochie before you can say "sugar cube." And if Babies 'R Us hasn't already stocked their shelves with newborn feedbags and baby hooves for Kimbo Stewart's baby, now might be a good time to do so.

John Travolta better work on his fightin' moves, because it's looking like he'll have to scrap with a bitch for the last possum carcass left on the side of the road. The bitch being Ben Affleck. As the woodland creatures mourned the loss of their own, Ben strolled around L.A. with a stale Bieber strapped to his dome and shit looks a mess. If Ben wants to browse through the Raquel Welch wig collection for a new look, fine. But couldn't he couldn't he sit next to Beyonce for some wig advice (wigvice?), because that dreadful sick mop of mess on his head looks like it should have an IV stuck in the top of it while it sleeps in a cage at the ASPCA. Don't stare at it too long or that Sarah McLachlan song will start playing and you'll start looking for an 800 number to flash on your screen.

Where the hell is a scorned Miss Brazil loser when you really need one?

via WOW Report

Today, the role of full-fledged fuckery will be played this story from TMZ. Below are the series of events that led my face to make the same look Katt Williams is making in the picture above. Love is killed and made in the parking lot of a Jack-in-the-Box and now here's proof of that.

- On June 24th, Katt Williams' tour bus pulled into a Jack-in-the-Box in Williams, Arizona. At about the same time, Lester, the retired police dog on the left, got away from his owners during a walk and ran towards the tour bus. Whatever it was (examples: mistaking Katt's hair for two beaver tails, trying to find the crack on the bus, etc....), something made Lester get Cujo-ey and he bit at Katt's bodyguard twice. Katt's bodyguard fought back by shooting Lester dead.

- Katt came running out of the bus, looked at Lester's dead body and told the dog's owners that he will definitely fire a pink slip into his bodyguard's chest for doing that shit.

- Katt then told Lester's owners to wait and he went inside of the bus for a few minutes. When he came out, he magically had a Mastiff puppy in his arms and gave it to the family as an apology gift for sending their dog Lester on a one-way ticket to heaven. Lester's family took the puppy. Why do I have a feeling that Katt randomly carries around spare Mastiff puppies for occasions like this?

- Sad faces quickly turned into happy faces and Lester's family asked Katt to pose in a picture with them and their new Mastiff puppy named Bella. Lester's family tells TMZ that they are glad Katt took responsibility for killing their dog and they will never go back to Jack-in-the-Box again. You know, because Jack-in-the-Box is the reason why their dog Lester got shot up.

- The police showed up, interviewed everybody involved and left without pressing charges against Katt's bodyguard.

How many times did you make a scratch under WTF while reading this mess of a story? I count 6 at least. Something in the crack pipe definitely got smoked. I know the facts aren't completely there, but I'm still going to declare this as the most adorable yet tragic drug deal gone wrong ever.

This is some Equus shit right here. In Miami today, Eva Longoria got 50% naked and sprawled herself bareback-style on top of a bare horse while her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz and some polo players watched. This was for some magazine photo shoot, of course. Did Eva stop to think that maybe she should call horse translator Trace Cyrus and ask him to ask the poor creature if it wants her tits that close to its body? It would definitely answer: FUCK NEIGH! I mean, this just isn't right. If a horse sprawled itself on Eva's nekkid body without asking, it would be arrested, thrown in a prison barn, put on a sexual predators list..etc...etc.. But yet, when Eva does it, she gets away with it? Something in the world ain't right!

Besides, how many times have we seen some trick get naked on a horse? It's been done by Cindy Crawford, Madge, Angie Jolie, DanRad , Gis and many more. Do these bitches think that horse is short for WHORSE?! Those horsies don't want a hos bits all over their asses.

Eva really should've tried to be a little more original. Leave the poor horse alone and go for an animal who never gets any naked human body action. You know, an animal like the sloth:

And the sloth is smiling with its eyes! So much better, right? Put it on the cover and ship it out!

Julia Roberts isn't the only one who can successfully pair lipstick with an armpit full of fur pie! James Franco can play that game too and HOW! On the cover of Vogue Hommes International, James' lips say "Princess Leia" but his pits scream "Chewbacca." Don't act like you wouldn't fuck your nostrils with his hairy arm stems. Or at least prune a piece off, stick it in your bong and smoke it up since you know it can easily double as the good shit. Weed pits, James Franco's got 'em.

And here's a few more pictures of Franco posing like a male hustler in the back pages of the Village Voice circa 1989. My favorite has to be the one of him washing the crushed tomatoes and boo saliva off of his Oscar tux.

For those of you who found this post by Googling "Kangaroo Pig Sex", I apologize that I'm not going to give you what your sick ass wants. But I will give you this picture of Vanilla Ice with Bucky Buckaroo, which might have the same effect. Vanilla, who is currently starring in Dancing on Ice in the UK, tells Metro about the kangaroo pig dry fuck party going on in his backyard.

Bucky Buckaroo. He’s a great guy. I’ve had him since he was a baby and now he’s 5ft 10in. He’s spoiled rotten – he has his own enclosure and a female pot-bellied pig in there who is his lover. Kangaroos will hump anything. I think the pig likes it. There’s also a goat in there who he grew up with but they’re just friends.

Kangaroos will hump anything? Why the hell did Mel Gibson leave Australia then?

And I feel totally ripped off that I watched every episode of Vanilla's show on the DIY Network and not ONCE did he build a kangaroo pig sex sty in the backyard. The fuck is wrong with him?

(Thanks Abigail)