Dolly Parton

Unless Jessica Lange is starring in an Oxygen movie based on the life of Jocelyn Wildenstein, she has no business wearing that face. Jessica insists that she's never had any kind of work, but come on. Humans don't ripen like that. You don't wake up one day with a face like Heathcliff's girlfriend. Jessica needs to gaze at Jane Fonda some more. That's what her face should look like! If Jessica effs with her face anymore she's really going to look like a creature who meows when they're hungry. Then Apple is going to name their next operating system after her face.

Here's Jessica and Jane at the Tony Awards last night. I also threw in some pictures of Liza and Dolly, because it was the right thing to do. And that plastic surgery comment doesn't apply to Dolly. She's a completely organic beauty. The Tennessee mountain air keeps her looking as fresh as baby's breath.

While going through pictures from last night's Broadway premiere of 9 to 5 the musical, my mouse stopped, quickly led my hand to this stunning picture and clicked "save to desktop." That was some Ouija board shit! The spirits were leading me to the promise land and that's exactly what Elizabeth Wilson's eyebrows are. Elizabeth was Roz in the 9 to 5 movie and my soul is full today knowing that she grew up to the be the owner of a pair of truly delicious eyebrows. I just want to put on my eatin' dress and gobble them up. I probably could, because they look like crème brulée. Deeelicious!

And you too can have scrumptious eyebrows like Elizabeth's. Just sprinkle some sugar on top of your brows and take a cooking torch to those suckers. Instant glamour! Summer is all about having caramelized brows. It can take you from day to night!

While Elizabeth's brows were the crown jewel at last night's premiere, the rest of the audience also brought the glamour. If you were in the tri-state area last night, you might have felt an extra pinch in the air. The reason for that is simple: three stars aligned. Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin all came back together! That's where they belong!

Here's some pictures from last night of Dolly, Jane, Lily, Swoosie Kurtz, Frank Gifford, Drunky Lee, MAURY and Connie Chung. Oh and I think the last picture might be Nina Flowers, but don't quote me on that!

Dolly Parton totally called in sick on day of this photo shoot. Her magnificent chichis didn't feel like working that day. Instead of rescheduling, they just took a cardboard cutout of Dolly and popped it in the middle. The chicks in the photo shoot had no idea it wasn't Dolly herself. I'm serious. I think that's what they really did.

Yes, these are the promo pictures for "9 to 5: The Musical" which starts performances in Los Angeles this September. It will then move on to Broadway in March. Allison Janney plays the Lily Tomlin role, Stephanie J. Block has the Jane Fonda role and Megan Hilty will play the role made famous by Dolly. Dolly wrote a bunch of songs for this shit show.

These pictures make my soul hurt. Allison totally doesn't look like Violet. She just looks like C.J. from "The West Wing" posing with a Chestica Simpson impersonator and some other bore. This is going to be hideously awful. It looks like the ABC Family version of "9 to 5." UGH. Why must stupid whores ruin everything!

Dolly Parton, the woman who wouldn't hurt a twat crab, is pissed off at Howard Stern for a segment he did on Dolly's fake audio book. Howard has done this sort of thing before. The show manipulated her words, so it sounded like some raunchy shit was coming from her mouth. For instance, he made Dolly say, "Kenny Rogers smells like boy cum." I giggled at that. I'm immature, I know. Duh.

Dolly issued this statement, "I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life. I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this. If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it's going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this."

I adore Dolly the same way I adore my pair of pulsating nipple clamps, but any snatch with at least two brain cells can tell it's not her saying that shit. My 7-year-old cousin could do a better job with a busted Casio recorder.

That being said, Howard should apologize and then gracefully cancel his show. Well, if you hurt Dolly's feelings, you have to pay the price. It's in the Bible. Look it up.

Below is the clip in question from Howie's show:

Dolly Parton has postponed her U.S. tour, because those big ass titties have been giving her back problems. Dolly was set to start her tour on February 28th in Minneapolis, but the doctor ordered her to rest for at least 6 weeks. She's looking to reschedule her tour for April or May. She's still expected to go on with her European tour which starts in June.

Dolly released this statement:

"I know I have been breaking my neck and bending over backwards trying to get my new 'Backwoods Barbie' CD and world tour together, but I didn't mean to hurt myself doing it! But hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems. Seriously though, the doctors said I will be good as new in a few weeks, and I can't wait to get back out there."

Dolly needs to take those breasts down a few notches. It's time. You want to be laying on your back, because you're getting good loving and not because you're gigantic breasts are giving you back problems. What's the point of having giant ones if you can't show them off?

Don't listen to anything I just said Aretha Franklin. You must keep those giant chi-chis of yours. The world depends on it.

Source: Billboard

Ok, not really. But apparently Tina Simpson scolded her daughter in front of President Bush and Dolly Parton for her little performance flub that everyone has seen a zillion times.

TMZ reports:

Tina Simpson was furious with Jess after she flubbed lyrics, stood statue-still on stage while trying to hold her dress up, and then awkwardly hurried off with a few mumbled words to Parton. Tina told her daughter that the performance was "embarrassing" and "unprofessional," and mom was further incensed because Jessica had missed a dress rehearsal and hadn't adequately learned lyrics to the song -- which necessitated cue cards at the front of the stage. Jessica can be clearly seen reading from the cards during her performance.

Papa Joe apparently didn't think it was bad and thought it was cute and should stay in the show, but producers didn't like that idea and reshot it. Papa Joe probably liked seeing his daughter clutch her stomach like that. I like Tina, she's a hard ass. You know President Bush was too busy looking at Chestica's chest to figure out what was going on.

Dolly has forgiven Jessica and said that if she was in the same position she "would probably be so nervous and forget to wear her wig!" Dolly's the hotness.

In case you missed it here's Jessica Simpson's little flub at this past weekend's Kennedy Center honors. Jessica blamed her dress falling apart. If you notice she's clutching her dress. Methinks Papa Joe ripped it off of her. She is clearly using cue cards and we know ho can't read! Reese Witherspoon was nice enough to comfort her, but you know she's laughing inside. Jess performed "9 to 5" a second time when the audience left. That version will air on CBS later this month.

VIA Mollygood

The Kennedy Center Honors were held in DC last night and Jessica Simpson tried to perform a tribute to Dolly Parton. Jessica came onstage and started to sing "9 to 5," but quickly effed up the lyrics and started to breakdown. She then told the audience she was "so nervous" and walked offstage. She came back for the finale, but was in tears.

Stupid ass! Who doesn't know the lyrics to 9 to 5? This dumbass probably started to sing 3 to 4, because those are the hours she works. Dolly should give her a slap down for that mess. Jessica was to pay tribute to Dolly NOT focus the attention on herself.

That being said, I can't wait to see video of this!

Source and Images Source

Chestica & Asshole Simpson (you choose which is which) promoting some trash at Nordstrom on 10/28

Is this where her career has gone? Chestica Simpson will perform a concert at at a theme park. Albeit, it’s a hot theme park but still. She has promised Dolly Parton to perform at Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

Dolly said, "Jessica is going to come up to Dollywood, and we're going to do something real soon. All they see is this great-looking blonde girl, but she's got a great voice - and the heartache and pain to throw into songs."

She used to have a great voice, but not it’s just filled with yodels and hollering. Bitch needs to calm down. Furthermore, the only pain present in felt by the poor fool who has to listen to that devil music!

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