Dolly Parton

No, your browser didn't fall into a future portal and show you the first runway refugee on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race who was given her sashay away orders after losing a challenge where she had to make a Star Trek go-go dancer outfit out of Regretsy rejects. This is Jenny Craig'sWeight Watchers' main ho, JHud, wearing a whole lot of dusty pink NO at last night's taping of Vh1 Divas Soul in NYC.

When you're at the same event as the international icon of glamour Dolly Parton, this is not how come out. That lacefront was slapped on with Silly Putty, those retina-melting boots were made from my old glitter snap bracelets and the top of her dress almost looks like a bib of dehydrated menstrual berries. But even though JHud was hairline to toe fug, she still didn't give us the most dreadful look last night. That title goes to Jessie J who really needs to have a permanent seat on a chair made of Super Glue. That low budget Mrs. White mop on her head gives me flames, FLAMES, on the side of my face.

Here's more pictures from last night's Vh1 Divas Soul, which I think airs tonight (I think). In order!: JHead, Jill Scott, Mary J. Blige, Florence Welch, Jessie Janky, Mavis Staples with Martha Reeves, Chaka with 50 Cent, Common and DOLLY!!!!

Not that kind of dolly. So you can close your open palm, because I don't have any tiny paper cups full of barbiturates with me.

It's been Lohan overload today and the only cure for Lohan overload is Dolly overload! Leave your shade at the door, fall back into Dolly Parton's beaded bosoms and gaze into the plasticized sun rising above her neck. Confirm for yourself that yes, lip liner around lip liner around lip liner is really the way you should decorate your lips. When you hold out your hands, Dolly will cry Silica gel tears that you can use to keep your beef jerky fresh.

These pictures of Dolly spreading natural talent and sheer beauty to her fans at the Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, FL is for all you hating whores out there who are constantly spewing shit like "But Michael, Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep are women of a certain age who are organically beautiful and aging with dignity." To which I say, aging with dignity is overrated!

Besides, contrary to popular belief, Helen and Meryl are way more high-maintenance than Dolly. While Helen is brushing her hair with an opal comb (5 minutes), Dolly is taking hers out of the box and plopping it on top of her head (2 seconds). While Meryl is taking a long hot shower (20 minutes), Dolly is cleaning herself using a paper towel and a few squirts of Windex. Shit, if you're in a rush, just drive Dolly to the corner of Colima Blvd. & Azusa Ave. and my cousins will Windex her AND your front windshield while waiting for the light to turn green. See. Dolly > Meryl

It's true that Dolly Parton's magnificent chichis are to a newborn baby as to what the endless ice cream machine at the Souplantation near my mom's house is to me. But that doesn't mean you should pull some dramatic soap opera shit by leaving your baby on her doorstep. Dolly told Fox News that back in the 1970s, some insane Dollyhead gave her the gift that keeps on spitting and shitting and screaming......

"Years ago, when I first started being a big star, I had fans that were fanatical. It was when 'Jolene' was a big hit. We came home one day and there was a baby in a box at our gate with a note in it. The note said, 'My name is Jolene, my momma has left me here and she wants you to have me'. Of course, we all freaked out! It wasn't like it was a kitten or a puppy dog. It was a baby named Jolene!"

Dolly turned the baby over to Human Services, so if you're a 30-something adopted child named Jolene, you now know that you once stared into titty leche paradise.

Leave it to Dolly to let us that know straitjacket stans existed long before Twihards were leaving tampon babies they "gave birth to" on RPattz's doorstep.

That whole story is just fucking sad, fucking pathetic, fucking desperate and the lowest form of crazy. (Flash forward to me squeezed into a laundry basket with a pacifier in my mouth, a bonnet over my head and a note that reads "Dear Anderson Cooper, Mah name is Baby Boo and mah momma wants you to have me.")

Unless Jessica Lange is starring in an Oxygen movie based on the life of Jocelyn Wildenstein, she has no business wearing that face. Jessica insists that she's never had any kind of work, but come on. Humans don't ripen like that. You don't wake up one day with a face like Heathcliff's girlfriend. Jessica needs to gaze at Jane Fonda some more. That's what her face should look like! If Jessica effs with her face anymore she's really going to look like a creature who meows when they're hungry. Then Apple is going to name their next operating system after her face.

Here's Jessica and Jane at the Tony Awards last night. I also threw in some pictures of Liza and Dolly, because it was the right thing to do. And that plastic surgery comment doesn't apply to Dolly. She's a completely organic beauty. The Tennessee mountain air keeps her looking as fresh as baby's breath.

While going through pictures from last night's Broadway premiere of 9 to 5 the musical, my mouse stopped, quickly led my hand to this stunning picture and clicked "save to desktop." That was some Ouija board shit! The spirits were leading me to the promise land and that's exactly what Elizabeth Wilson's eyebrows are. Elizabeth was Roz in the 9 to 5 movie and my soul is full today knowing that she grew up to the be the owner of a pair of truly delicious eyebrows. I just want to put on my eatin' dress and gobble them up. I probably could, because they look like crème brulée. Deeelicious!

And you too can have scrumptious eyebrows like Elizabeth's. Just sprinkle some sugar on top of your brows and take a cooking torch to those suckers. Instant glamour! Summer is all about having caramelized brows. It can take you from day to night!

While Elizabeth's brows were the crown jewel at last night's premiere, the rest of the audience also brought the glamour. If you were in the tri-state area last night, you might have felt an extra pinch in the air. The reason for that is simple: three stars aligned. Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin all came back together! That's where they belong!

Here's some pictures from last night of Dolly, Jane, Lily, Swoosie Kurtz, Frank Gifford, Drunky Lee, MAURY and Connie Chung. Oh and I think the last picture might be Nina Flowers, but don't quote me on that!

Dolly Parton totally called in sick on day of this photo shoot. Her magnificent chichis didn't feel like working that day. Instead of rescheduling, they just took a cardboard cutout of Dolly and popped it in the middle. The chicks in the photo shoot had no idea it wasn't Dolly herself. I'm serious. I think that's what they really did.

Yes, these are the promo pictures for "9 to 5: The Musical" which starts performances in Los Angeles this September. It will then move on to Broadway in March. Allison Janney plays the Lily Tomlin role, Stephanie J. Block has the Jane Fonda role and Megan Hilty will play the role made famous by Dolly. Dolly wrote a bunch of songs for this shit show.

These pictures make my soul hurt. Allison totally doesn't look like Violet. She just looks like C.J. from "The West Wing" posing with a Chestica Simpson impersonator and some other bore. This is going to be hideously awful. It looks like the ABC Family version of "9 to 5." UGH. Why must stupid whores ruin everything!

Dolly Parton, the woman who wouldn't hurt a twat crab, is pissed off at Howard Stern for a segment he did on Dolly's fake audio book. Howard has done this sort of thing before. The show manipulated her words, so it sounded like some raunchy shit was coming from her mouth. For instance, he made Dolly say, "Kenny Rogers smells like boy cum." I giggled at that. I'm immature, I know. Duh.

Dolly issued this statement, "I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life. I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this. If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it's going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this."

I adore Dolly the same way I adore my pair of pulsating nipple clamps, but any snatch with at least two brain cells can tell it's not her saying that shit. My 7-year-old cousin could do a better job with a busted Casio recorder.

That being said, Howard should apologize and then gracefully cancel his show. Well, if you hurt Dolly's feelings, you have to pay the price. It's in the Bible. Look it up.

Below is the clip in question from Howie's show:

Dolly Parton has postponed her U.S. tour, because those big ass titties have been giving her back problems. Dolly was set to start her tour on February 28th in Minneapolis, but the doctor ordered her to rest for at least 6 weeks. She's looking to reschedule her tour for April or May. She's still expected to go on with her European tour which starts in June.

Dolly released this statement:

"I know I have been breaking my neck and bending over backwards trying to get my new 'Backwoods Barbie' CD and world tour together, but I didn't mean to hurt myself doing it! But hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems. Seriously though, the doctors said I will be good as new in a few weeks, and I can't wait to get back out there."

Dolly needs to take those breasts down a few notches. It's time. You want to be laying on your back, because you're getting good loving and not because you're gigantic breasts are giving you back problems. What's the point of having giant ones if you can't show them off?

Don't listen to anything I just said Aretha Franklin. You must keep those giant chi-chis of yours. The world depends on it.

Source: Billboard

Ok, not really. But apparently Tina Simpson scolded her daughter in front of President Bush and Dolly Parton for her little performance flub that everyone has seen a zillion times.

TMZ reports:

Tina Simpson was furious with Jess after she flubbed lyrics, stood statue-still on stage while trying to hold her dress up, and then awkwardly hurried off with a few mumbled words to Parton. Tina told her daughter that the performance was "embarrassing" and "unprofessional," and mom was further incensed because Jessica had missed a dress rehearsal and hadn't adequately learned lyrics to the song -- which necessitated cue cards at the front of the stage. Jessica can be clearly seen reading from the cards during her performance.

Papa Joe apparently didn't think it was bad and thought it was cute and should stay in the show, but producers didn't like that idea and reshot it. Papa Joe probably liked seeing his daughter clutch her stomach like that. I like Tina, she's a hard ass. You know President Bush was too busy looking at Chestica's chest to figure out what was going on.

Dolly has forgiven Jessica and said that if she was in the same position she "would probably be so nervous and forget to wear her wig!" Dolly's the hotness.