Film

Daniel Day-Lewis is in talks to replace Javier Bardem as the male lead in the movie musical "Nine." There's no replacing Javier! Javi dropped out of the project, because he's tired and needs sleep. If Daniel takes the gig, he will play Guido Contini, a film director trying to juggle all the chicks in his life.

The movie is expected to start shooting this fall. It also stars Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Nicole Kidman and Judi Dench. Rob Marshall will direct this shit.

Penny Cruz should be dick slapped! Her "man" is too tired to work and she's not there by his side! If Javi was my dude, my days would be spent sucking.....I mean rocking...him to sleep.

I'm sure Danny will be glorious. Just give him a milkshake and all will be well.

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The Fraggle Rock movie musical is coming! Variety is reporting that The Weinstein Co. has hired Cory Edwards to direct and write the live-action musical feature. The Jim Henson Co. will produce the movie. Ahmet Zappa will be one of the film's executive producers. The producers will also ask popular bands to write songs for the movie.

The movie will take the core characters Gogo, Wembley, Mokey, Boober and Red outside of their home in Fraggle Rock, where they interact with humans, which they think are aliens. The show premiered on HBO in 1983, ran five seasons and was broadcast in more than 80 countries.

YES! That acid tab that I've been saving for all these years now has a purpose. Wait, does the awesomeness in acid ever stop working due to old age? Don't tell me. I'll find out the fun way.

Below is the intro for Fraggle Rock. I hope it stays in your head all day long!

The trailer for the second X-Files movie is out. I totally forgot they were making this shit. The other day I was wondering where the hell Gillian Anderson went. I figured she was busy playing Lady Macbeth in some community theater in the Midwest or something. No! She was busy making this shit. There's bad news about the sequel. Amanda Peet is in it. Not Amanda Peet! She ruins everything. She ruins Christmas!

Anyway, above is the preview for The X-Files: I Want To Believe. Love, the title. I hope Celine Dion sings the title song. "I Want to Believe" sounds like one of her cheese diddies. This shit hits movie theaters July 25th.

Speed Racer cost around $100 million to make and it only pulled in around $20.2 million this weekend. Cameron and Ashton's douche fest "What Happens In Vegas" only made around $200,000 less. I can't believe people are spending their hard-earned money to see those two tampons together in a movie. Those bitches would have to pay me and throw in a jumbo popcorn and some Red Vines. You know they don't sell Red Vines at movie theaters in Manhattan? Tragic.

I feel like watching Speed Racer will bring back acid flashbacks that I don't need in my life right now. Just watching the preview made me see little green elves and pink clouds.

Here's the Top 10 weekend box office:

1. Iron Man - $50.5 million
2. Speed Racer - $20.2 million
3. What Happens In Vegas - $20 million
4. Made Of Honor - $7.6 million
5. Baby Mama - $5.8 million
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - $3.8 million
7. Harold and Kumar... - $3.2 million
8. The Forbidden Kingdom - $1.9 million
9. Nim's Island - $1.3 million
10. Redbelt - $1.4 million

Fuck all these movies. I'm going to rent Alvin and the Chipmunks instead. That shit is best served with a fully loaded bong and a plate of Velveeta nachos.

Entertainment Weekly has the first pictures of Josh Brolin as George W. Bush and Elizabeth Banks as Laura Bush for the movie "W." Unfortunately, this is not directed by Christopher Guest and it's not a comedy. Oliver Stone is directing this ass fuck extravaganza which beings shooting in a couple of weeks.

Elizabeth Banks is no Laura Bush. She looks more like your pill-popping auntie that is on welfare, but wears cheap suits she buys from Filene's Basement to try and look high-class. Josh Brolin looks like a vacuum salesman by day and a child toucher by night.

Kermit and Miss Piggy would have made a better Dubay and Laura.

This Razzie front-runner will also star Thandie Newton as Condi Rice, Jeffrey Wright as Colin Powell, Ellen Burstyn as Barbara Bush, James Cromwell as George Bush and Rob Corddry as Ari Fleischer. My butthole is currently in talks to play Dick Cheney. No deal has been finalized.

Fishsticks Paltrow is finally in a movie that made some money! Let's celebrate with tartarsaucetinis. "Iron Man" made $100.8 million this weekend scoring the second-highest opening weekend ever for a non-sequel behind Spider Man. It also scored the tenth highest opening overall. This shit has already made $201 worldwide in just 5 days.

I thought this shit was going to be a bomb! That shows you how much I know. I should have known better. Jim Cramer has a cameo in it and he doesn't do "flops." The rest of the weekend box-office looked like this:

2. Made of Honor - $15.5 million
3. Baby Mama - $10.3 million
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - $6.1 million
5. Harold & Kumar.... - $6 million

Who the hell went to see "Made of Honor?" Show yourself! Made of shit is more like it.

The latest trailer for "The Dark Knight" is out and I'm into it. I had to shut my eyes when Maggie Gyllenhaal appeared on my screen. Her mouth moves in slow motion. Ugh. They should have just cast the cat from the "Fancy Feast" commercials. That hot pussy would have given the same performance and he's fluffier. Fluffier is always better.

Maybe I'll just wait until this movie gets released by the subway DVD vendors. Have you ever seen one of those bootleg DVDs shot on a disposable camcorder in the theater? It's entertaining shit. Especially when you're drunk. You don't watch those DVDs for the movie, you watch them to hear the conversations in the theater. The shit people talk about in a dark movie theater. Maybe I'm just easily entertained. Yeah, that's it.

This is not a sentence I thought I would ever write: Rudy Huxtable will play a stripper in the new Tyler Perry movie. Keep your chonies on, Rudy!

Keshia Knight Pulliam will star as a jailed hooker in "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail." Guess what the plot is? Madea goes to jail! You're a genius. Madea gets arrested for whatever reason. She comes to the aid of a hooker named Candy (played by Rudy) who is being bullied by some chick named Big Sal. Raven-Symone better play Big Sal or I'm going to be pissed. Rudy and Olivia must be reunited

I bet Tyler fucking hates Madea. He probably beats up the fat suit behind closed doors. It's the one character he's always going to have to play. The poor bitch will have to be buried as Madea, because his fans will demand it.

I admit that I've seen all the Madea movies. WELL! I like men dressed as fat women. That's funny!

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Tommy Girl's jack-off piece about the Nazis has been pushed back again. They just need to push that shit off the planet already. It was originally supposed to come out this July and then it was pushed to October 2008 and now it won't be released until February 13, 2009. The perfect movie for Valentine's Day! Tommy Girl plus Nazis equal hardcore romance.

Valkyrie will compete with The Pink Panther 2 that weekend. Oh shit! I really hope Tommy gets his power bottom ass handed to him by a pink pussy. That would make my Valentine's weekend right there.

In case you haven't seen the trailer for this crap, here it is below. Tommy looks like he has Rihanna's poodle on his head and homegirl doesn't even try to do a German accent. You would think he would be excited about sounding Marlene Dietrich. Some fag he is.

Thandie Newton will play that hot bitch Condoleezza Rice in the Oliver Stone's W. Ioan Gruffudd has also joined the cast as Tony Blair.

The shit show starts shooting very soon and will follow Dubya's path to the Presidency as well as his life in the White House. No, it's not a comedy.

The cast also includes Josh Brolin (Dubya), Elizabeth Banks (Laura Bush), James Cromwell (Bush Sr.) and Ellen Burstyn (Barbara). The key roles of Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove has yet to be cast. Too bad Larry, Moe and Curly aren't alive anymore. These are the roles they were born to play.

I have a feeling that this movie is going to be a camp classic! Not since Showgirls...... It's going to be a major BOMB. Pun intended.

Janet Jackson should play Condi. It's pretty obvious. The Stone really dropped the pudding on that one.

Source: The Hollywood Reporter