Olivia Wilde's marriage to that Italian prince dude ended about a year ago and Jason Sudeikis' marriage to his first wife ended about two years ago, but I guess they're both ready to try that marriage thing again. Jason gave Olivia a hitchin' ring during the holidays and after she said yes, they celebrated by putting on their track suits (with holes cutout for their genitals), tying on their running shoes and then fucking like Kenyan marathon runners. Olivia and Jason have been fucking like Kenyan marathon runners for a little over a year now. Olivia went on Twitter this morning to confirm that Jason will be her second husband:
Thanks for all the sweet congratulatory love, friends! And may I compliment your savvy use of that nifty engagement ring emoticon.
It felt like Olivia's divorce from that Italian prince dude was only finalized six seconds ago. Don't hos know that it's okay to hump each other naked without being married? Don't let my abuelita's words get to you. You won't ride on an orgasm wave to hell if you let the dick in before marriage. But then again, Jason's EMT dick did give CPR to Olivia's coochie and brought it back to life. Oh well, he'll make a perfect, and brief, second husband.
After Olivia Jane Cockburn's marriage to that Italian royal dude ended, relatives she hadn't seen in years brought her casseroles wrapped in aluminum foil, her family hired professional crying ladies to constantly weep at her panty drawer and the choir at her local church sang "My Heart Will Go On" while pictures of her pussy flashed on a screen above them. Because Olivia Wilde says that her coochie went to heaven when her marriage went to hell.
Glamour hosted a night of monologues called These Girls at Joe's Pub in NYC on Monday night and Olivia Wilde got up to say things about her down low parts including this piece of poetry about her marriage ending:
“I felt like my vagina died. Turned off. Lights out ... And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”
I don't know if you can't lie to your vagina, but you can lie FOR your vagina. Don't act like you haven't hollered out a wave of "OHHELL YES OHSHIT YES OHDOMELIKETHAT YESes" while your vagina is barely staying awake and keeps hitting the snooze button.
Olivia went on to say that when she met Jason Sudeikis, who was at Joe's Pub that night, her punane rose from the ashes of woe. It was the second coming of her pussy. Now once a year, we celebrate the resurrection of her vagine by painting a picture of her coochie on hard-boiled eggs and the Crystal Cathedral presents a show called The Glory of Olivia Wilde's Cooch.
Olivia said that her box is making up for lost times and she and Jason "have sex like Kenyan marathon runners." Olivia then told this story about OliviaLand:
In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta! And in Olivia Land people wouldn’t cheat nearly as much because there wouldn’t be the threat of spending forever with one bedfellow. It just wouldn’t be legal. There’s the issue of kids. Okay this is fun.
In Olivia Land, all the kids go to boarding school at seven. It’s like in Harry Potter!
I would like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure. That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.
In Olivia Land, the streets are paved with dark chocolate, and all the people are free of body hair and menstrual cramps.”
But back to the Kenyan marathon runners thing. How in the hell do Kenyan marathon runners do it? My guess is that they pray to God beforehand and then they start out real slow. Just as they start to get into it, they stop and Olivia gargles her coochie out with whatever water is sponsoring her sex times with Jason. Then they go for a little bit longer before they go really hard at the end and Jason squirts out the finish line. Then they fall to the floor and start crying as their family members throw their country flag on top of them. Isn't that how everybody fucks? Now I feel weird.
When Olivia Wilde ended her marriage to that Italian royal dude, the story went that she did it because she got married to young and really wanted to put a few more hundred miles on her vagina's odometer. You know, live out her ho shit phase of life. Most of us nodded our heads in approval, because if there's one thing I know it's that when I close my eyes on life, my last thought will be: "Damn, I wish I would've sucked more peen." (< --- Engrave that into my dick-shaped tombstone.) Olivia was going at it hard there for a while. Olivia dabbled in a little Ryan Gosling, scooted her chocha over some Justin Timberlake and then wrapped her legs around the necks of hos whose names I forget (and so does she).
But then a little birdie (and by birdie I mean publicist) started whispering ideas into Olivia's head and she took a turn down Renee Zellweger Way. That's when Olivia took a shower in glue, rolled in freshly cut beard hair on the barber's floor and hung out with Bradley Cooper for a second. It didn't last long and I figured that Olivia would be back to carrying out her slutbbatical mission, but now People is saying that she was "casually flirting" with Jake Gyllenhaal the other night. Yes, THAT Jake Gyllnehaal. The Jake Gyllenhaal that frolicked
A source type says that at Chateau Marmont the other night, Olivia and Jakey were very "touchy-feely" with each other. Olivia HAHAHAHAed at his jokes, but she she played it cool. The witness goes on, "At one point, he had his hand on hers. Olivia was very cool and wasn't fawning over Jake but seemed to like the attention he was giving her."
After Olivia and Jake's half-a-canoodle display they went their separate ways.
Olivia! What are you doing?! You have a mission and that mission is to introduce your coochie to as many dicks, nutsacks and man tongues as possible! This is not going to happen with Jakey. Your mission isn't to lick on heart-shaped cappuccino foam from as many coffee shop mugs as possible. If that was your mission, then Jakey would be the one to help you achieve it. I mean, do you really want to be the girl who Jakey tickled under an apple tree after he tickled Taylor Swift under an apple tree? Exactly. Dick now, heart-shaped cappuccino foam later.
Okay, that headline is not entirely true or fair. Yes, cucumbers would love to gently lay on top of Vince Vaughn's swollen stuffed bags and soothe them until they no longer look like miniature versions of Lisa Rinna's anal gland lips, but we can all learn to love them. If you look at them through permanent perverted eyes (aka my eyes) and access the part of your imagination that's run by your genitals, Vince Vaughn's double carry-on eye bags sort of, kind of look like tiny crooked labias! If you look at 'em that way, then you will definitely love them. How can you not love labia eye bags?
If you sat on his peen and stuck your tongue between his under eye pussy bags, it would be like having a simplified bi-sexual threesome! And you don't have to worry about an extra pair of legs kicking you in the head. I bet there's a little cream in between there, so it would be like eating the real thing! Since I put it that way, right?
Here's more of Labia Eyes Vaughn at last night's Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in L.A. with: Ashley Greene, Meadow Soprano, Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Noxzema Girl, McSteamy, Brad from The Chupa Zoe Project, Sienna Miller's ex-whore with his wife, a midget lesbian in drag as Steve Buscemi and Ryan Phillippe.
After Bradley Cooper ripped up his contract with Lemonsucker Zellweger, he allegedly went through the who's who of an issue of UsWeekly. B. Coop apparently humped on Jennifer Aniston and then got with Jessica Biel. And now Life & Style is saying that B.Coop has been out with Olivia Wilde, count 'em, two times! B. Coop and Olivia were making canary noodles (aka canoodling) at the after-party for The Hangover II in NYC on May 23rd and they also spent some intimate moments together at Saturday Night Live season finale party.
A source tells Life & Style what they saw at The Hangover II after-party, "Olivia was Bradley's date. He was always taking her hand or putting his hand on her lower back, it was really sweet. He took care of her all night. They were definitely together. At one point, they even wanted some alone time and hiked up the stairs to the roof, but they had trouble getting there! They left together at 12:15. They seemed really comfortable together."
This source is totally speaking the real truth. I can tell from the pictures above that B. Coop is really taking care of Olivia. In the top picture, a totally baked and drunk B. Coop is asking the imaginary friend next to Olivia to watch over her while he goes to fish a joint out of Zach Galifianakis' beard. That B. Coop. Such a gentleman!
Olivia Wilde tried to bury the rumor that she's humping on Justin Timberlake by Tweeting the above mess yesterday afternoon. Olivia referred to those who are sniffing on her business as "honeybadgers." Excuse you, bitch? Olivia needs read up on the crazy nasty honeybadger, because honeybadger don't give a fuck that she's not licking on that curly haired one from the Mickey Mouse Club!
Dear Olivia, guess how many fucks the honeybadger gives about the fact that your name is Olivia? ZERO! Dear Olivia, guess the phrase that would come out of the honeybadger's mouth if you told him bitches were saying that you're touching tongues with the screecher from N'Sync? No phrase would come out of the honeybadger's mouth, because honeybadger don't give a shit!
Olivia needs to take time out from not fucking on Justin Timberlake to watch this educational video narrated by esteemed zoologist Randall (whose last name is Fellows).
Educate yourself on the badass, not-fuck-giving honeybadger, Olivia!
A story about Justin Timberlake going on a date with 2011's Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, could put a speed addicted insomniac into a coma, so focus on the photo bomber of my dreams Hugh Laurie when your nose starts to make a beeline for your keyboard. Let's Hugh Laurie's "Why am I the meat in this soggy sandwich?" face perk you up.
So Olivia Wilde's divorce to that Italian prince dude isn't yet final, but that hasn't stopped her from getting on her Now costar Justin Timberlake (focusonhughlauriefocusonhughlaurie). People says that Jessica Biel's impeccable strap-on game was the last thing on Justin's mind at The Roxbury in Hollywood on Saturday night. A source says that Justin and Olivia showed up together in matching white t-shirts and jeans. They both drank vodka and "canoodled" in the VIP area. A different source tells UsWeekly that they were obviously on a date and Justin pretty much kept his hands on Olivia all night.
The rumor is that Olivia ended her marriage, because she was bored of tasting the same ole' Italian peen all time and wanted to sew her wild oats with the pubes of a dozen one-night stands. Basically, Olivia wants to be a certified slut since she never got the chance. Since then she's been linked to Ryan Gosling and now Justin Timberlake. Olivia just has to reverse her chocha into Gerard Butler, slam the gas into Jude Law and she'll be right on schedule! Just follow the Sienna Miller map, Olivia, and you'll be well on your way.
Meanwhile, you probably haven't read one word of this shit, because you haven't taken your eyes off of Hugh Laurie. You made the right decision.