Film

No, these are not stills from I DREAMED A DREAM: The Susan Boyle Story, it's Meryl Fucking Streep as Julia Child. Hearing Meryl do Julia's "nipple hair twisting voice" (in a good way) is worth the price of admission alone.

In Julie & Julia, Meryl plays Julia at the start of her career to her reign as the head bitch in America when it comes to French cuisine. Amy Adams co-stars as Julie, a blogger who spent 365 days trying to master all 525 of the recipes in Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. That is some crackhead shit right there. Have you ever seen Julia cook on TV? Homegirl does it all. I think in one episode, she runs out into the farm and strangles a chicken with her thighs. She's no joke.

The Oscar skanks should just hand over a nomination to Meryl right now. Why bother with the flirting and dirty talk. They should all pass a nom over to international supermodel and master seat filler Phoebe Price for her work in the picture above. Chicken Cutlets is spreading those legs wide for an Oscah!

Are you looking for the perfect fun film to show your church during holy movie night (do they have that?) What am I saying? None of you whores go to church! You still have the singe marks on your genitals from the last time you tried step in one! Anyway, this is the Bruno trailer! In order to watch it you have to answer like a bunch of really hard math problems, because I guess it's kind of NSFWish. I'm surprised they didn't ask for a stool sample and your great grandma's middle name. I had to call up my 5-year-old cousin to help me out with this shit. Why do they make things so hard?

But it was worth it. Especially the part about what he names his African baby. And Richard Fucking Bey is in this! Oh, I hope this shit proves to be really damn offensive.

After Zac Efron decided he will not prance around like a pretty pretty princess in the Footloose remake, I thought the studio whores would stop the butchery and shut this shit down for a different day. Nope. Apparently, they are continuing to search for the perfect set of twinkly feet to take over for Kevin Bacon. And they may have found the one in the Home Depot-version of Zac, Chace Crawford. I say that because Chace is just a bit dykier than Zac. A bit.

Marc Malkin at E! says Chace sang for his life and danced like the planets were colliding during a test for the lead role this weekend. A source said that he did really well.

The movie's name should be Assloose, because they are looking for the prettiest pussy boys in Hollywood. Damn. They just keep getting more precious and beautiful. If Chace doesn't pass, they should get Ellen Degeneres to test. Better yet, just put Keira Knightley in a fucking wig and have her flitter about. She'd probably be more manly than Zac. And if that doesn't work out for them, they could just shoot one of those ballerinas in a box for 2 hours with the Footloose music playing in the background. For serious.

No, it's not. It's the poster for the movie version of the only book that I read twice as a kid without skimming! It was my bestest friend for like two weeks. I really wanted a big, hairy friend of my own. And I got one years later, if I ain't being too subtle!

Damn, I hope they don't fuck this shit up!

VIA Slashfilm

This is the trailer for Quentin Tarainto's Inglourious Basterds starring Bradley Pitt, Eli Roth, BJ Novak, Mike Myers, Samuel L. Jackson and Crazy Cloris Leachman. It's basically just a bunch of Nazi scalping. And Brad is practically scalping me with that accent.

Brad is so cute when he's trying to be a badass. I just want to pinch his cheeks and say, "Awww. Just put back on that old baby make-up and dance around." Now that would be a movie worth emptying your checking account for in order to buy a ticket. The Curious Case of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S Scalping the Nazis!

Click here if you can't see the shit above.

My shit was sooooo close to seeing that epic shit show New in Town. I figured instead of having a Super Bowl day, I'd have a super suck day by watching that mess. I guessed the theater would be empty as shit. Not even the movie theater mice (they exist in NYC) would stick around to view a crap fiesta that looks like it was made ten years ago and kept on the shelf. The poster even smells like moth balls. Anyway, I love an empty theater, because it's like sitting in your living room. You can act the fool. And you can also get sexy.

Seriously, if you and your lovah ever find yourselves without a place to do fucky shit, go see a movie like New in Town. You can pretty much guarantee that nobody else will be in the theater. That way you can suck dick without some prude calling the cops or some sucio bitch jacking to your action. It's important that bombs like New in Town exist! They are giving a home to sluts who have no place to hone their craft.

But I am surprised that New in Town made more than a couple of food stamps. It actually made $6.8 million. It still tanked, but I can't believe that many bitches actually gave up money for it. I mean, IN THIS ECONOMY! Speaking of wasting cash, Mall Cop was the #2 movie this weekend after 2 weeks at #1. If you want to see a foolio on a Segway, just watch this over and over again.

Below is the weekend's top 10:

1. Taken - $24.6 million
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $14 million
3. The Uninvited - $12.5 million
4. Hotel for Dogs - $8.7 million
5. Gran Torino - $8.6 million
6. Slumgdog Millionaire - $7.7 million
7. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $7.2 million
8. New in Town - $6.8 million
9. My Bloody Valentine 3D - $4.3 million
10. Inkheart - $3.7 million

HA! Squinty Zellweger got beat by Hotel for Dogs!

Wonky better wipe the jizz dust off one of her shelves because she could take home an actual award for this year. The award for being the biggest piece of shit on movie screens this year! That's because she is nominated for a Razzie Award for her diarrhea-inducing perWHOREmance in The Hottie & the Nottie. This would be her second! She was given this prestigious honor for that House of Wax bullshit a couple of years ago.

The Razzie nominations were announced this morning and they called out the worst bitches and movies of 2008. Mike Myers' The Love Guru got the most nominations with seven. Wonky's 2nd grade school project and The Happening also got a few nominations. Uwe Boll, the King of Shit, managed to get a special award for contributing gallons of vomit to the movie industry.

I'm kind of upset that I've only witnessed a few of these disasters. I better buy a big bucket, a 12-pack of Charmin and get to watching all these epic shit shows.

All the nominations are after the jump. My only prediction/wish is that Pierce Brosnan takes home The Golden Dingles award for his hideous walrus warble in Mamma Mia! Seriously, wrap that shit up and send it his way. JUMP!!!!

The Great Gatsby is the only book I read in high school from cover to cover. The other books I had to read, I used CliffsNotes or asked around in AOL chat rooms. Aw. I loved AOL chat rooms. You could suck cyber cock in one room while asking literature questions in another. Sweet memories.

So because it was the only book in high school I cared about, I'm a little fucking grossed out that Baz Luhrmann has bought up the film rights. This will be the fifth The Great Gatsby movie. My personal favorite is the TV version with Mira Sorvino, because it's a hot steaming log of diarrhea covered in obese maggots.

Baz thinks it's a perfect time to do a remake, because everyone's money is burning. Baz said, "If you wanted to show a mirror to people that says, 'You've been drunk on money,' they're not going to want to see it. But if you reflected that mirror on another time they'd be willing to. People will need an explanation of where we are and where we've been, and 'The Great Gatsby' can provide that explanation."

People don't go to the movies to think! They go to see soft core fucky times, bitches shooting each other and talking animal friends. I know for a fact that they don't go to the movies to see Nicole Kidman, so if Baz is thinking of casting her as Daisy, he better change his name to Spaz and crawl into a kangaroo pouch.

I can totally see him casting Nicole, because he's all up on her rubbery snatch. Nicole is no Daisy! The bitch ain't even the plastic daisy bouquet from the clearance section at Big Lots that sits on my mom's living room coffee table.

Source

Basement Baby's sister has a movie coming out next year called Obsessed which is like Fatal Attraction on a budget. Most of you might give this mess two minutes of your time if you happen to catch it while channel surfing, but this is the kind of crap I pay to see. With shit shows like this, the theater is usually empty so I can lounge about and laugh in peace! But I also love cheap thrillers featuring crazy bitches, strip shows in cars, Ali Larter, bad wigs, betrayal and revenge. This has it all!

Beyonce probably won't show us crazy, but she'll definitely show us shit acting.

What in the barley water Xenu hell is this shit all about?! Tommy Girl got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his "blink and you'll miss it" cameo in Tropic Thunder. Who's Caesar Salad with extra dressing did he toss to get nominated? The better question is probably who's Caesar Salad hasn't he tossed in Hollywood? Does it only take wearing a bald cap and acting like a fool to get nominated? If that's the case then Coneheads should have swept the GGs back in '93. ....the fuck?!

The other dudes in Tommy's category include Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder), Ralph Fiennes (The Duchess), Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt) and Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight).

Heath was the only one nominated from The Dark Knight.

In the other film categories, Brad Pitt was nominated for that baby with old face movie. St. Angelina was nominated for that "He is not mah son" movie. Sean Penn got one for Milk and Mickey "My Face Kills Bunnies" Rourke got one for The Wrestler. Both Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet were nominated twice. Meryl for Mamma Mia! (ew) and Doubt. Kate for Revolutionary Road and The Reader.

During the nominations, the audience started laughing their shit off when Tommy Girl and James Franco (for Pineapple Express) were nominated. I didn't laugh when they announced Tommy, I slapped myself, poured rubbing booze in my ears and rewinded to make sure I heard correctly.

On the TV side....TRUE BLOOD WAS ROBBED!!!!! TB only got two nominations: one for Best Drama and one for Anna Paquin. No nominations for Lafayette and Tara! They are the best bitches in that shit! Anna Paquin is the least most interesting ho in that crap. RECOUNT!

While I go and write my "You are True Blood H8RS" letter to the Foreign Press Association, click here to see all the Golden Globe Nominations.

AND no Phoebe Price for her life-changing role in Get Smart! I can't.....