If you put your ear up to these pictures, you can almost hear the cries from all the pairs of Spanx keeping Mimi together. If you opened her dress, it would probably look like MacGyver was there. Homegirl is held down with Spanx, ropes, girdles, rubber, wires and every kind of tape known to man. Mimi just needs to let out a loooooong exhale and free herself! Rip up the Spanx, burn the girdles and learn to breathe again. That's what Hello Kitty would want.
Seriously, Mimi always looks like me trying to hold in a wet fart in a crowded elevator. And trust me, it isn't exactly comfortable. It fucks with you.
Here's Mimi sucking and popping that ass with her husband Nick Cannon at UNICEF's Snowflake Ball in NYC last night.
Mimi's Super Sweet Christmas Lighting just happened at London's Westfield Mall tonight, and there was not one fluffy white kitten or dove in sight. Earlier this morning, there were rumors that Mimi demanded kittens, doves, a pink carpet, a magic wand and butterfly-shaped confetti for her appearance. The organizers already shut her down about the kitten thing, but they were still working on getting the doves to the party. Well, it looks like the only bird brain in the joint was Mimi herself, because there were no doves.
But Mimi did get some janky butterfly confetti that was made using scraps from a leftover bin. AND they also gave her a busted down magic wand, which they put together using a cardboard wrapping paper tube and a star-shaped cake pan. So there! Mimi the Diva still reigns (sarcasm)!
The Butterfarty Rainbow Hello Kitty Princess agreed to turn on the Christmas lights at the Westfield Mall in London, but she had a list of demands that made the organizers throw her a "How old are you again?" side-eye. Mimi's list included everything that a 6-year-old girl requests for her birthday party.
Basically, Mimi wanted them to Cornify her in real-life. Mimi's demands included:
20 white fluffy kittens
100 white doves to be released into the sky upon her entrance
Pink butterfly-shaped confetti to fall on her upon her entrance
A pink carpet instead of a red one
A Rolls Royce to drive her to the mall
80 security guards
A magical wand
Why couldn't she just use the magical wand that is stuck up her Hello Shitty? Anyway, the organizers managed to get a hold of everything but the white fluffy kittens. In the end, they were told that bringing kittens into the mall would not be possible due to health reasons. The mall said, "We do not allow pets into Westfield - that rule would apply for everyone." I guess that means Nick Cannon has to stay at home too.
If the organizers really want to make Mimi's soul explode, they would go above and beyond by getting her the elusive UNICORN CAT!!!!
It's well known that unicorn cats queef out white doves AND butterfly-shaped confetti, so the organizers would get everything in one.
When I was in junior high school, the look of the moment for girls was wearing your winter jacket over the shoulder like it was a damn fur stole or a Pashmina. If you ask me, that shit should only be worn like that if you're about to sing a torch song at a gay cabaret or if you're hustling for johns on the ho stroll in the dead of winter. Or if you're Mimi.
Here's Mimi looking like a butternut squash stuffed into an extra small condom while continuing to shoot the video for H.A.T.E.U. in NYC yesterday.
Whenever Mimi gets the chance to run around like a horny butterfly with her Hello Titties and unicorn cutlets hanging out, she's going to take it. And why shouldn't she?! You've only got one life, so you might as well spend it flashing your two-piece and a biscuit at everyone.
Here's more of Mimi working it in a couple of stripper onesies while shooting the video for her new single H.A.T.E.U. If Venus had to work the morning shift at a truck stop titty bar, she'd look just like this.
The entire country of Japan and every character in Sanrioland held their breath when Mimi tripped while sashaying out to greet Jay Leno last night. If Mimi went down, the stage would've been covered with titties, nipples, Spanx, clamps, dead butterflies and several kinds of tape.
Although, you have to hand it to Mimi, because I doubt most of us could walk on teeny tiny silts while carrying two giant watermelons on our chest. Mimi needs private lessons from The Empress of Lucite.
Not to mention that Mimi was probably a little dizzy in the head due to her stylist sticking a vacuum up her Hello Culo and sucking her in like a Space Bag right before she went out on stage. Clip beeeelow:
When I heard Mimi was HOsting her own Halloween party in NYC, I figured she would go dressed as a slutty butterfly, a slutty rainbow, a slutty unicorn taxidermy, a slutty Hello Kitty, a slutty Eminem, or a slutty Precious. But Mimi really flipped the world upside down by stuffing her glazed ham hocks and buttermilk biscuits into a slutty angel costume. Such a shapeshifter, that Mimi!
And Mimi's bought-and-paid-for husband really outdid himself by going as one of The Empress of Lucite's vagina drops. Yes, Shauna Sand's lady jizz has angels wings and everything.
Meanwhile, in L.A., Wonky went to Heidi Klum's Halloween party dressed up as a slutty slut slut slut slut slut. You know, wearing Liberace's rhinestone shoe horn on her forehead only points out the brutal fact that one of her eyes is constantly suffering from jizz squint.
And it was a little weird that Doug Reinhardt didn't dress up. He must have gotten his fill the night before.
Mimi and her Hello Titty balls came out to support Precious at the New York Film Festival this past weekend, but one of the movie's stars Mo'Nique was nowhere to be found. Yes, they even checked the Arby's down the street. Bitch wasn't there.
Precious is currently making the film festival rounds, and many critics think the movie will get several Oscar nominations including Best Picture, Best Actress for Gabby Sidibe (the girl in the purple below) and Best Supporting Actress for Mo'Nique. You'd think that since there's talk of Mo'Nique possibly getting the golden Oscar dildo (you know that's what Kevin Spacey uses his for) for this, she'd be out there whorin' it up. But Mo'Nique has been missing from nearly every promotional event for Precious. Some say that by Mo'Nique not playing the game, she's ruining her Oscar chances.
The New York Daily News says that Mo'Nique is refusing to pimp out the movie and her own performance for free. Mo'Nique is reportedly demanding a $100,000 appearance fee, even though the likes of Mimi and Lenny Kravitz (who are both in that shit) haven't asked for a dime. A source said, "Mo'Nique said she signed on to do this film for a small amount of money. She said she didn't care about 'no Oscar' - all that mattered was 'those Benjamins!' Because Oprah and Tyler Perry are backing the film, she feels as though there should be a budget to pay for her promotional duties."
Mo'Nique responded to the claims by saying, "When people say, 'You care more about money than winning an Oscar,' well, what does an Oscar mean? An Oscar means more work when you win it, and that means more money! I couldn't eat that Oscar. Everybody needs money, baby. That's how we survive, right?"
Mo'Nique is selling her eating skills short! I'm sure she could eat that thing if she wrapped it in puff pastry and poured nacho cheese sauce on top! But seriously, I can't hate on a bitch who says "it's all about those Benjamins." Those are the truest words ever spoken. GIT THAT MONEY!
That being said, somebody should really tell Mo'Nique about a little service called Cash4Gold! Imagine what they'd give her for an Oscar (SPOILER ALERT: Probably two rolls of quarters and a $20 gift certificate to Fingerhut)?!
The Rainbow Unicorny Princess performed on the Today show this morning and everyone had their eyes on her womb area, because of the pregnant rumors going around. The dress she wore was so damn tight that if she was pregnant, we'd be able to see the outline of her baby friend, so I'm guessing she's not. And if she isn't, she might be now, because all of her dancer's fingers were up in her business. Seriously, I hope they soaked their hands in Purell after their morning jack-off sessions, or else Mimi's going to have a Hello Fetus!
Here's a few more hilarious pictures from this morning of Mimi kissing on the dude that hosts America's Got Talent and of her dancers getting a hernia while lifting her ass.
Now you know that those little princess dresses found in the toddler section at F.A.O. Schwartz come in Size: HAM. You have Mimi to thank for that, because she wore one last night at the first of four shows she's doing at the Palms Resort in Las Vegas. Mimi's blowing butterfly queefs in front of a live audience to promote her soon-to-be released album "Memoirs Of An Incontinent Angel."