Mariah Carey

Mimi and her boy toy are fucking everywhere! Everywhere! She's walking around with a dopey smile on her face. I've seen that dopey smile before. It looks like the final stage of Dickmatization. She's a goner. She's probably signing over her fortune with his jizz right now.

Mimi and Nick attended the Operation Smile benefit last night and Mimi was asked about marriage, “It's fantastic. It’s a stone smash!” A stone smash?! Too much information!

Nick added, “It’s a beautiful situation … carrying on and on each day.” A very beautiful situation. Nick was seen driving around in a new $100,000 Maserati. Yup, Dickmatization is serious business.

Mimi's new bitch, Nick Cannon, was out shopping at Beverly Hills Kitty yesterday. Mimi probably can't cum without her favorite Hello Kitty stuffed animal. She likes to caress it's cheek when she's hitting the big one. Wait till she asks him to get her Hello Kitty brand tampons. It's the least Nick Cannon can do for her. He was a couple of seasons away from starring in a Vh1 reality dating show and she saved him!

The couple are still celebrating their shotgun wedding. UsWeekly reports that they threw another wedding party at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, CA last night. The park closed to the public at 6pm for Mimi's classy affair. That sucks. I found joy in picturing Mimi standing in an hour-long line for Colossus.

The theme park was decorated in pink and purple and a banner read: "Mariah and Nick - A Love Story." A barf story is more like it!

Nick is thinking to himself: "KA CHING!"

Mimi is thinking to herself: "horsies, cotton candies, unicornies, rainbows, preeeeetty, ehehee"

Mimi and her new son husband stepped out last night for the first time since getting hitched last week. They attended the Time Magazine's Most Influential People party where Mimi performed and then the couple had dinner at the Waverly Inn.

Mimi is insane and horny, so if this fulfills her needs then so be it. She's the one that's going to lose her 400,000 square foot Manhattan mansion not me. Well, I'd lose my 400 square foot Manhattan closet apartment, but what's the difference?

By the looks of these pictures, she's definitely had too much butterfly juice. She's just fluttering along. Anyway, here's more pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Mariah Carey last night. You know Gayle King is jealous. She's thinking, "I wish Oprah would marry me." Give her some of that butterly juice and she might!

If you're looking to get Mimi a late wedding pressie, I might have a good suggestion. How about a gift card for the American Laser Center! You see, Mimi got Nick Cannon's name tattooed on her neck. She had it done a month ago.

Mimi told People "One thing (few people) knew was we got tattoos a few weeks earlier. So anyone who saw my ("Mrs. Cannon") tattoo wasn't surprised." Nick got Mariah's named tattooed on his back. It goes from shoulder to shoulder. It's the least he can do for her. Mimi should have gotten his name tattooed on her vagina lips instead, because that's where he's got her by.

She went on to say that she hopes they will have children soon, "I'd just want our children to have the best childhood and upbringing they possibly could." So does this mean she's going to give her kids away when she has them? I kid! I kid!

Mimi would make a wonderful mother! She would put White Oprah's skills to shame.

VIA Mariah Daily

Mimi and Nick Cannon's wedding pictures are in the new issue of People Magazine. Mimi looks like she's eyeing the buffet and Nick is smiling, because he just won the lottery. Sigh. Hopefully, Mimi will give People exclusive rights to her divorce pictures in a couple of months.

Mimi told the mag that she feels Nick is her "soulmate." Nick said, "I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me. She is beautiful on the outside and 10 times as beautiful on the inside." She's very beautiful on the inside because she's filled with donuts, cupcakes and candy! Those are all beautiful and delicious things.

The cover should have said, "Mimi is DICKMATIZED." I hope that dick is making her slap somebody, because this mess is not going to end well.

People Magazine will unveil exclusive pictures from Mimi's wedding at 10am EST today. Don't you love this world? NEXT! Mimi will unveil a new dookie at 11am! No, I'm not talking about a new Mimi song. I'm talking about poop.

If you give a fuck, check People at 10am to see pictures of Mimi making the biggest mistake of her life. I really hope she's wearing a white bikini.

This is Mimi's new video for her single "Bye Bye" not to be confused with N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye." Whenever I listen to Mimi's "Bye Bye," I can't help but not think of NSync's "Bye Bye Bye." That shit is better. The extra "Bye" really makes a difference. Mimi should have thought about that.

Mimi's video stars her soon-to-be ex-husband Nick Cannon. I have officially decided that I do not like them together. In the scene where he's carrying her around, you know he dropped her ass. See! That's why they don't belong together. He can't even carry her ass without dropping it!

And Mimi, when I lose on of my "peoples," the last thing I want to do is raise my hands in the air!

And the lifetime achievement award in Photoshop skills goes to......anybody who ever airbrushed Mimi! Think of all the thousands of people that have spent thousands of hours airbrushing this woman. They deserve a purple heart or some shit.

You know she's totally having her private wedding pictures photoshopped right now. She probably has a private photoshop studio in all her homes.

Mimi and Nick Cannon got a marriage license on the Caribbean island of Eleuthera. I like to call it Urethra, because that's what Mimi is thinking with. The woman needs to get her vagina out of her brains and annul this foolio before it's too late!

People reports:

According to marriage requirements for the Bahamas, a couple must be in the country for at least 48 hours, be over the age of 16 and have obtained a valid marriage license within 90 days, explains Monique Gomez, a Bahamian attorney in Nassau who specializes in family law.

The source says that Carey did obtain a license in Eleuthera within that time period. And clarifies Gomez, "The minister would make sure [the license] goes into the registry. It's still a valid marriage even if it's not filed. Anywhere in the world."

They apparently got married at her private estate in an island off Urethra.

The woman is not in her right mind. Dickmatization is a real and dangerous disease. That man is going to take her lingerie closet, her rhinestone butterfly collection and her dignity! I thought I would throw in that last one just for laughts.

No, it wasn't his mother or auntie. Hell, it probably wasn't even his first cousin. Some family member of Nick Cannon told E! News that he's in fact married to Mariah Carey.

Linda Cannon said, "Yes, we know. He called us and told us all about it," she said. "We are happy for him. If that is what he wants, then we are happy for him. I'm not going to give you any details, but we are happy for him." She's not going to give any details, because she doesn't know any! Bitch please! She got her "confirmation" from the internet like everyone else did.

She's probably his cousin's half-sister's son's cousin or something. I'm probably related to Nick Cannon in some way, so I'm going to confirm the wedding. Mimi looked lovely and they are were so happy together. I say "were happy," because Mimi mistook Nick for the wedding cake and she ate him. But the moments they did have together were special.

A source also said, "Everyone is happy to see her happy. And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced. Maybe this is true, instant love."

In related Mimi news, BUY HER ALBUM!