Mariah Carey

Somewhere there's a family that's extra sad while eating fried chicken and watermelon on patch of grass, because Mimi stole their picnic blanket and wore it in Aspen on Saturday night. Mimi wore this mess on the streets of Aspen, CO and I'm really surprised that nobody laid her ass on the ground and ate potato salad and hot dogs on her dress. I'm also surprised that a champion WWE wrestler didn't charge her and tackle her ass to the ground, thinking that she stole their belt. Yes, I'm sure Mimi's Aspen ski mansion has several mirrors, but in her defense they all broke when they peeked at this outfit, so she wasn't able to see what she looked like.

And you know, I can't fully hate on that messy "Cowardly Lion used way too much Dep gel" hair. It's very Lady and the Tramp meets chola fresh out of the pool. It takes a lot of gel and a lot of scrunching to get messy hair like that.

Nick Cannon was on Howard Stern's Sirius show this morning and this is what we learned about his fuck life with the butterfly rainbow queen of the lambs herself Mimi:

- Nick Cannon and Mimi kept their panties on while dating. Mimi never hit that shit before they got married. The furthest they got was second base. Nick never fingered her butterfly box and she never took his peen for a test drive. When Howard asked Nick how could he marry Mariah Carey without knowing if she's good at giving blow jobs, he said something like, "She's Mariah Carey! I just knew she's good!" I don't know what that means. Porn star Mary Carey is known for sucking dick the right way, but I didn't know Mariah Carey was too. Maybe what Nick Cannon means is that since Mimi is a champion yodeler, she must be a champion beej giver too. When she puts a peen in her mouth and lets out one of her garage door-opening yodels, the vibrations hit the right spot so hard that the dude cums his ballsack out. That's probably what he means.

- Nick Cannon and Mimi bump genitals to her songs all the time. Nick told Howard that his sex time soundtrack of choice is filled with nothing but Mimi songs. This actually isn't surprising. What Nick didn't tell Howard is that Mimi also makes him wear a Mariah Carey mask and they do it on a bedspread with her face airbrushed on it. There's mirrors covering every wall in the room and right before they get it on, she sticks a multi-colored glitter pill in his peen hole so that he cums a sparkly rainbow. And I don't even want to get into what they do with the hoards of butterflies she keeps in cages down in the basement.

- Nick Cannon is so excited about being married to Mariah Carey that when she's gone, he faps to her songs. Nick's favorite song to hand hug his dick to is "Hero." That actually makes sense. Because every time Nick listens to a Mariah Carey song, he thinks of all the millions she's made from that song and then he thinks about all the millions that's in their joint bank account. When you listen to "Hero," you hear "AHAHAHAAAAOOOOOHA HAOHAHAAAAOOORRRHHAA" and Nick hears, "cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching." That's definitely a sound to fap to.

And can we retire "Hero" forever now that we have the image of Nick Cannon fingering his b-hole and squeezing his foreskin to the lyric "look inside you and be strong"?

Here's a clip from TMZ of Nick telling Howard all about his and Mimi's kinky fetishes:

The thought of putting together, Mimi, a Playskool xylophone, a kazoo and a chorus of singing children for a classroom version of the song that every store plays on a loop for a whole damn month is enough to make me wanna sharpen a candy cane into an ear-stabbing shank. But that's what Jimmy Fallon did last night on his show and I actually made it through the whole thing without punching my ears. It helped that I focused on Mimi's nipple stars and that waving finger she uses to guide the high notes out her yodel hole. Hmm, I wonder if she waves that finger every time she lets out a G10 orgasm note?

"Daaaaaaahling, that bleak Fraggle wants to shoot me up..." is what Mimi cooed into her ivory princess telephone while talking to Barbara Walters this morning and Barbara Walters repeated it on The View. American Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe denied away to TMZ that Nicki Minaj threatened to put a bullet in Mimi after their tussle of words during judging, but Mimi told Barbara that rumor is true.

Mimi told Barbara that several Idol crew members told her that seconds after the fight, Nicki said, "If I had a gun, I would shoot this bitch," while walking off set. Mimi doesn't feel comfortable emotionally or physically, so she's commissioned a bedazzled bullet-proof vest, is having bullet-stopping weave tracks put in and has hired more bodyguards. Okay, only the last part is true. According to Mimi, after the fight, Nicki hugged her, said she loved her and said they'd probably fight again. Mimi told Nicki that they will not be fighting again, but the butterfly unicornie princess better brace herself, because they will be fighting again.

Nicki is losing her mind all over her Twatter and is going after Mimi, Barbara and everybody else. Bitch is furiously stabbing at her laptop keys and is only stopping to tase a Hello Kitty doll and munch on a lamb burger. Here's just a few of Nicki's insane tweets:

Ironically no camera or mic heard the gun comment tho. Lol @ the struggle. Not even the producers believed u. Say no to violence barbz.

Barbara walters didn't reach out from our team barbz. I guess we're too dangerous. Don't shake if u don't wannA get shook!!!! LmAooooooooooo

I don't call tmz n Barbara Walters cuz I stand on my own two feet. Never needed an army. God is good. Insecurity is as cruel as the grave.

I guess it hurts 2 have the producers tell u to ur face that nicki is the best judge we've had since simon. Awww, poor u. Keep them lies cmn

I thought we resolved it yesterday but I see u want ur pity party to continue. So I'm bout to po dot tea.

All I do is compliment u. That's not enuff? Ur a legend, cheer up. U don't have to run down ur resume or feel intimidated. Shady McGrady...

Mimi is a shady drama queen for getting a lispy ole' lady to do her dirty work and Nicki is a shady piece of trash for thinking this is some Biggie vs. Tupac shit. Nicki is just barking just to bark. But stunt or not, I still want to hear the voicemail Nigel left Simon Cowell of him sloppily jacking off to all the attention American Idol is getting.

Some thought that Keith Urban was going to throw himself off the wagon and dive directly into a mountain of mind-numbing cocaine after he was literally caught in the middle of a diva bitch brawl between a Muppet thug in a curdled Strawberry Quik wig and the butterfly queen of the lambs in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday. But at last night's New York Film Festival premiere of his wife's movie The Paperboy (aka Golden Shower Fun Times with Zac & Nicole), Keith told Extra that he loved it when the Trinidadian chihuahua barked at the Long Island cocker spaniel. Keith loves passionate (read: ridiculous) artists (see: bitches) who openly express themselves (see: act like pieces of trash), because it makes him feel alive (see: laughs so hard his hair curtain becomes a side part) and it makes things very exciting (see: it gives him the wet shits and he was constipated for days before that). I'll let Keef tell it to you in his own words:

“I love it, I gotta say, look I love working with passionate people. I love artists. Everyone just sort of expressing themselves. It’s a very alive and very invigorating work environment. A lot of passion. Randy is the craziest, so you know I’m predictable.”

What Keith is saying is that in high school he was that bitch in the second row (tip: When watching a high school fight, always stand in the second row in case a rogue fist comes flying into the crowd.) screaming "Whoop that frock tart!" ("Frock tart" is Kiwi talk for "trick.") I can totally understand why watching Nicki Minaj go full Turrets on a bitch makes Keith happy. Because when he goes home at night, he eats dinner across from a Botoxed iceberg who has the emotional range of the dead AAA batteries your mom has kept in the freezer for years. So it's like Christmas times for Keith every time someone raises their voice above a frozen whisper. If you ever want to see Keith poop out an orgasm, yell at him hard!

Here's more of Keith and Nicole looking like a bizarro world Ellen & Portia at last night's The Paperboy premiere. Obviously, the key to Keith and Nicole's marriage lasting so long has everything to do with them sleeping separately. He sleeps in a tanning bed and she sleeps in an oxygen chamber/coffin.

Keith Urban's got wig burns all over his face today and it's all because he was in the middle of two diva bitches dragging each other back and forth. The producers of American Idol have finally figured out that we don't want to see a bunch of fresh-faced, sappy ass kids sing some dumb Carrie Underwood song in between crying about how hard their life has been. We want to see WEAVES FLYING, which is sort of what happened during auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina today.

TMZ got a hold of a video of Nicki making Hello Kitty her #1 enemy by cursing Mimi out as Keith Urban contemplated whether or not he should just throw himself out that window behind him. The producers had to press the stop button for the day after the toilet baby of Effie from the Hunger Games and Trash Heap nearly punched the rainbows out of the queen of the lambs. I speak fluent cunt, so this is what I heard in that video:

Nicki: “And if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it. I told them I’m not fucking putting up with your fucking highness over there.”

Mimi: “Oh why, why do I have a three year old sitting around me?”

Nicki “I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and have you run down your resume everyday.”

Mimi: “I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.”

Nicki: “Go see them now, go. You’re boring as shit!”

Apparently, after this, Nicki threatened to knock Mimi out. If this is some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for finally giving us a show. If this isn't some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for fully knowing that putting those two egos together would end with them scalping each other with their acrylic claws.

Mimi responded to this mess on Twitter with a simple: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 

And I'm responding to this mess right here with a simple: YAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!

UPDATE: And here's TMZ's transcript of this beautiful wreck:

Nicki: Get this shit in self control. Get in control. Get in control.
Randy: Settle down, settle down
Nicki: Don't lose your head. Don't lose your head (inaudible). Don't tell me I'm a gangster.
Nicki: (inaudible) every 5 minutes. So every time you patronize me, I'm-ma take it back, and if you've got a fucking problem, handle it.
Nicki: I told them I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fucking highness over there. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out.
Nicki: I'm not gonna sit here every fucking minute to have you come down and harass me every minute everyday.

No, this isn't a still from The Wuzzles reunion special. This is Mimi, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacrest, Nicki Minaj and Randy Jackson on the first day of filming American Idol season 3,987 in NYC over the weekend. FOX confirmed Nicki and Keith as judges and shrugged their shoulders in a "sure, why not?" kind of way when Randy Jackson sneakily rolled in on his own chair and pushed himself into this picture, because what else is he going to do?

TMZ says that a quick second into judging, it became clear that Mimi hates Nicki and Nicki hates Mimi. When the producers told Mimi a while ago that they were adding a screaming acid wig with butt implants to the judges table, she hung up the phone on their faces. So it's no surprise that several times when Nicki opened up her raver hyena mouth to judge one of the contestants, Mimi tried to shut her talk hole up by loudly talking over her. Proving that it's not easy to shut up a screeching trick who sounds like a chipmunk getting strangled during a seizure, Nicki drowned Mimi out by talking louder. During Mimi and Nick's diva bitch off, Keith Urban quietly cut off his luscious hair and calmly braided it into a long noose so he could hang himself from the boom mic.

Mimi and Nicki need to get over themselves, because neither of them is the true diva bitch of that set. Wait until they witness the dramatic cunt queen hissy fit Ryan Gaycrest will have when he walks into his dressing room and catches Keith Urban playing with his favorite highlighting cap.

As expected, American Idol has taken the dawg out back and he won't be at the judge's table to hold down Mimi when she tries to butterfly punch Nicki Minaj's wig off. TMZ is hearing that Randy Jackson's judge's chair has been pulled out from under his ass and the producers are giving him the mentor role instead. The producers don't really want to give Randy the mentor role, but they're afraid that the world will stop spinning if he doesn't have someone to say "yo dawg, yo dawn, yo dawg, I wasn't feeling it, yo dawg, yo dawg" to all the time.

The producers are looking to get the ass cheeks of a country star, like Keith Urban, in the third judge's chair and they also want to cast a fourth judge. Kanye West was talking to the producers at one point about having a seat at the judge's table, but that's not going to happen. So sadly, Ryan Gaycrest won't get a natural tan when Mimi and Kanye's egos rub together and sparks a wall of flames that shoots toward the stage.

TMZ's source says that the producers aren't sure who should get the fourth seat, but I have two suggestions. Since they're just throwing piles of money at Mimi and Nicki, they should save a few coins by casting a plastic Randy Jackson bobble head doll that says "YO DAWG!" on a loop or they should try to get the empty RNC chair. If that empty chair can handle getting yelled at by Dirty Harry, it can totally handle those tone-deaf singing kids.

Nicki Minaj will be a judge on American Idol over Mimi's exquisitely preserved dead body lying in a Hello Kitty coffin covered with bouquets made of butterfly wings. Nicki is apparently the frontrunner to replace Steven Tyler on American iDull, because the producers believe this season they'll get a huge amount of contestants who sound like possessed, constipated hyenas when they rap and Nicki is the only one who can accurately judge them. But Mimi does not approve and wants to be the only one with a vagina (there goes the Kanye rumor) at the judge's table. Basically, Mimi is being Mimi.

Mimi slammed her opulent pink French phone down when the producers of Idol called to tell her that they're thinking of Fraggle-ing up the table by adding Nicki. That's what TMZ says anyway. Their source says that Mimi wants to be the only female judge, and also wants to be the only one who looks like a human Poochie doll. The producers kind of agree with Mimi and if they hire Nicki, they're also going to hire a second dude judge to even out the peen to poon ratio. The producers are also afraid that they'll lose the KKK demographic if all of the judges are black, so they're also talking to Keith Urban, Brad Paisley and Enrique Iglesias.

The producers shouldn't worry about dumb racist Americans, because Nicki will be completely white by the time shooting starts in a couple of months.

But seriously, next season of American Idol should be all about the judges and only the judges. Who cares about those singing brats with guitars who want to fulfill their dreams of having the #165 album on Amazon and becoming the #8 musical act on the county fair circuit. Once you've seen one singing brats stupid dreams come true, you've seen them all. All cameras should be focused only on the judge's table, because when Mimi and Nicki eventually rip each other apart until all that's left is a pink weave track and a puddle of liquid glitter, I need to see it from every angle.

Let's all take a moment of silence for all the feeling Mimi's full-time, personal Photoshop artiste lost in his fingers after spending hours upon hours erasing all pixels of reality from her first American Idol promo picture to make this gloriously fraudulent masterpiece. Mimi's Photoshopper used the hell out of the de-rib tool and pinched her waist so much that it looks like her intestines escaped up to her chichis area to keep from suffocating. Even that sun looks skinnier.

Everything about this is perfection from her HERP DERP hand poses to the sun setting in the background to the blurry puddle of Photoshop sloppiness in the water on the left. It's as if the late Bob Ross and the late Thomas Kinkade joined artistic forces to paint a portrait of Mimi using only melted wax and lies.

via Wetpaint (Thanks, Lane)