I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should've kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!
While wearing Barbie's Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi's lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could've done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi's reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:
Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah's reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley -- Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful -- completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.
To me, sometimes it looks like she's really singing and other times it looks like she's yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It's only American Idol, bitch isn't coming back next season and I'm sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn's anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.
Here's the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night's season finale party.
....And sexing herself up in a barn with chandeliers (????) in it.
Mimi and a cockatoo with a wave perm named Miguel released the video for their song #Beautiful (yes, the hashtag is part of the damn title) tonight and it's classic Mimi. Mimi swats away flies while dry fapping on a bike and then she strip dances for Miguel in a fancy barn. When Mimi strip dances, she looks like a drunken calf trying to walk for the first time. The entire video kind of looks like a commercial for Crystal Light's new line of mixes with ecstasy in them. Oh, Mimi, never stop acting like the horny butterfly you are.
When Mimi and Nick Cannon got married 5 years ago, I thought that their marriage would barely last 5 days or until the fairy dust they snorted before the ceremony wore off. My ass was way wrong, because 4 vow renewal ceremonies later, and here they are renewing their vows for the 5th time in a ceremony straight out of a 2nd grader's story titled "Wut i Want Mi Wedingz 2 Luk Like."
Since Mimi is a 12-year-old trapped in the body of an adult Wuzzle and her Hello Kitty Visa card has no limit on it, she renewed her vows in an over-the-top princess-themed ceremony at Disneyland in California last night. Mimi live-tweeted and live-Vined the glittery gayest vow renewal ceremony in history and she also invited Entertainment Tonight's resident Barbie robot Nancy O'Dell.
Yesterday was also #DemBabies' second birthday, so Mimi and Nick threw a party for them before they said "I doo doo" again in front of Sleeping Beauty's Castle. Here's a few of the rhinestone-embedded details from ET:
Carey slipped into a princess-inspired bridal gown for the event at the well-appointed Dream Suite, tucked away above the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction. From the suite, Mariah and Monroe were picked up in a horse-drawn Crystal Carriage that took them to Main Street, where they were greeted by Nick and Moroccan. They walked down the aisle as a family to Sleeping Beauty Castle, which served as the backdrop for the outdoor ceremony.
The twins sat in the front row to witness the vow renewals which were themed, "Do you believe in fairy tales?" Immediately after the ceremony, there was a burst of fireworks, a surprise for Carey.
The Royal Footman from Cinderella, Major Domo, served as Master of Ceremonies for the evening and escorted the approximately 250 guests to Fantasyland for a champagne toast and reception DJ'd by Cannon. The space was adorned with 15,000 blooms imported from South Africa, Holland and France, and 10,000 crystals. Guests were able to take advantage of the park being closed to the public and ride the famous Matterhorn Bobsleds, the King Arthur Carousel and peruse the Peter Pan and Snow White attractions.
At the end of the evening, Major Domo escorted guests back through the castle where the Crystal Carriage met the couple to return them to the Dream Suite.
They left out the part where Mimi stood under a hologram rainbow, bent over, pulled up her gown up and farted out a bunch of doves dressed like the Disney princesses.
Sometimes renewing your vows every year in a lavish ceremony eventually leads to you breaking your vows in a divorce ceremony (see: Heidi and Seal), but I still applaud Mimi for single-handedly keeping the wedding and imported South African bloom industries alive!
American Idol put the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of Happy Sunshine Hello Kitties on its judges' panel this season, because they thought that she'd bring millions of eyeballs to their show and they'd be #1 again. The opposite happened. After the season premiere, the ratings started sagging lower than the extra-meaty fur dumplings on Simon Cowell's chest and it's making the producers and FOX freak out.
The Hollywood Reporter says that a few weeks ago, producers tried to shake things up by pushing Mimi out to bring JLo back. When Mimi found out about their scheme, her team of lawyers threatened to sue them and Ryan Seacrest started to cry thinking that his anal bleaching budget would be cut, so the producers backed off. They decided that once the season ends, they'll replace Mimi, Nicki Minaj and possibly Randy Jackson and Keith Urban.
The producers thought that putting Mimi and Nicki at the same table would make the show's ratings touch the rainbows, because who doesn't love watching a shade-throwing fight between two Garanimals on acid? But a source says that viewers hate Mimi and Nicki's dynamic and "the core viewer is a midwestern, Southern, older woman who is threatened by Nicki’s aggressiveness."
FOX denied all of this and Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe told THR that he knows nothing of this.
I stopped regularly watching Idol after they dropped Paula Abdul, because it just wasn't the same without that human Vicodin pill of a mess. It's like showing up to a family gathering and finding out that your drunk auntie isn't there. You sit there, eating cold chicken and overcooked rice with soggy carrots in it, but you just can't have a good time without your drunk auntie falling into potted plants and calling you by your sister's name.
After Paula left, Idol became all about the judges. I couldn't even tell you the first names of the past 5 white dudes who won. Idol should just drop the singing part, reboot that mess and call it The Search For The Next American Idol Judge, because the behind-the-scenes crap sounds way more exciting than anything that happens on that stage.
If you stare at Jill E. Beans' "fuck my life right in the ass" face and then walk away from this post, you will have seen everything you need to see from Mimi's romantic Valentine's Night.
Besides Hallmark and some pre-school teachers, nobody loves holidays harder than Mimi does and Valentine's Day is no exception. Mimi shared pictures from her VD night with all her Twitter followers and that shit is almost as ridiculous as her episode of Cribs. Mimi started off by tweeting a picture of her and Nick Cannon kissing in front of the Empire State Building, and I'm sure it took 30 takes, 7 kissing choreographers and 4 lighting designers to get that picture right. It almost looks like they're trying to pass a giant Cheerio to each other with their mouths.
Then Mimi slipped into a bath full of Hello Kitty bubbles and luxuriated for hours. I like how the camera captured the exact moment when she was able to push a butterfly burp (aka a fart) out of her butt. I'm totally disappointed that she wasn't wearing a towel in the tub. Then Mimi and Nick broke into Central Park and got a carriage ride from a horse who was probably wondering why one of his relatives' tails was stuck on top of Mimi's head. Mimi stopped sharing right there, because the pictures of Nick Cannon jacking himself off while sitting on a unicorn horn dildo as she sings her greatest hits in the corner are sacred to her.
And there's not many things that are more romantic than making your assistant take pictures of you and your husband on a date so they can post them on Twitter.
If you're wondering what crazy rich people who have a team of assistants and are eternally 12 on the inside did during the BLIZZARD OF ALL BLIZZARDS, here's a video Mimi made of her celebrating Christmas in February. One of Mimi's assistants went out to Connecticut, found a tiny Christmas tree and brought it back so the real-life Lisa Frank character could celebrate the holidays all over again! (We all know bitch just wanted a reason to play her Christmas album again.)
Mimi had cookies, candies, hot cocoa and friends who looked really thrilled about celebrating Christmas when they really wanted to be getting drunk and watching porn like regular people do during a snowstorm. But that's what happens when you're trapped in Mimi's world.
It was in the 50s in NYC and that's practically summertimes weather, so when the temperature goes up, Mimi's clothes come off before she sashays out onto the street. Wearing an outfit that I know a member of En Vogue wore at least once during the 90s, Mimi stepped out of her apartment in Tribeca, stopped, pushed her Hello Titty balls out, posed and got into her SUV. Only a rich bitch who goes directly from the venue to the car would flash her bully button in NYC in January. Correction: Only a rich bitch named Mariah Carey would flash her belly button in NYC in January. The outfit says "I'm hardly in the elements, darling!"
And I guess Mimi's full-time ab painter had the day off.
The highlight from last night's season premiere of American Idol was Mimi's response to Nicki Minaj calling her a bitch under her breath (see: above) and the most beautiful sound I heard was the fart some dude pooted out during his audition. You'd think that a farting dude and a shade-throwing Mimi would take Idol's ratings up, up and away, but it didn't. 17. 9 million people turned on their TVs to watch Mimi and a Furby in a wig go at it. 18 million pairs of eyeballs is a lot of pairs of eyeballs, but Idol still down 19 percent from last season. It was the lowest-rated season opener since its first season opener in 2002. Mimi would care about this, but she's too busy sipping liquefied money out of a diamond-encrusted platinum straw.
Deadline says that Idol won the night, but it won't win the week. That title will go to your memaw's favorite show NCIS. Almost 23 million people put their eyeballs on this week's episode of NCIS. This is the first time Idol wasn't the #1 show during its premiere week.
Because I like to torture myself, I watched all 2 hours of American Idol last night LIVE and besides the farting chanteuse (farteuse?), I couldn't tell you about one trick who auditioned last night. I don't remember one bitch's singing voice, but I do remember every roll Nicki's eyes did whenever Mimi opened up her mouth to talk about Mimi. Bitches were throwing the same catty looks that John Travolta and Tommy Girl throw during the Mr. Scientology Pageant. That shit isn't a singing competition anymore. It's not even a sad story competition anymore. It's a shade-throwing competition now. In other words, I LOVE IT!
But who's not loving it is Ryan Seacrest. Fox laid off Ryan's full-time anal bleacher so that they could afford Mimi's salary and look what it got them. NOTHING!
(Pic via Tumblr)
I woke up today in a puddle of sticky sickness and feeling like death warmed over a Kardashian queef, but this video of Mimi being Mimi at her Mimi-est has temporarily soothed all of my senses. This is the only medicine I need today. During an interview for the next season of American Idol, Mimi nearly strained her next muscle by trying to keep the camera from picking up her ugly side. While Ryan Gaycrest, Randy Jackson and the refugee from Fraggle Rock pooted at the mouth about Idol shit, Mimi awkwardly squirmed around like John Travolta in a room full of vaginas. Mimi did not want the camera to get her left side.
Mimi didn't want to be there, but since she had to be there, she made it as glamorous as possible by giving the camera several servings of her exquisitely crafted right side, which looks like a unicorn's profile under a shower of moonlight. Or maybe Mimi kept turning her head, because she was trying to get away from inhaling the stench of silica gel packets and bronze-infused farts wafting off of Nicki and Ryan Gaycrest.
Mimi looks like the epitome of ridiculous, but I can't fully hate on her while she's wearing Brenda Walsh's prom dress.
Starting next week, American Idol is trying it again and we'll all get to see the scripted drama between Mimi and Nicki Minaj play out as Ryan Gaycrest cries over what he's become into a custom-made silicone mold of Simon Cowell's tits. To promote the #1 scripted telenovela on network TV, Mimi did an interview with her VERY good friend (so says Babawaawaawwa a million times over) Barbara Walters and of course the subject of her bitch brawl with the Fraggle Rock refugee came up. Skip to the 3 minute mark to see these freshly polished diamonds provided by Mimi and Barbara:
1. Barbara saying "I'm quick to check a bitch if she is out of line" when talking about a song Nicki Minaj did about American Idol. That line is totally going to be the title for Barbara Walter's upcoming tell-all about what it's like working with Elisabeth Hasselcrack.
2. When Barbara asks Mimi if she's the bitch Nicki is singing about, the not-so-cowardly lioness gently yanks a bitch's wig by responding with, "I didn't know she sang. I thought she rapped, or whatever." YAASSS! That is Mimi's second greatest act of sheer bitchery behind her classic "Que Es A JLo?" moment.
3. Mimi calling American Idol a "classic, classy show." Mimi is spot-on with that description, but AI's title as the classiest show on television is all thanks to Rhonetta.
You know what's REALLY classic? This shade throwing moment from Mimi. Add it to the pile.