I'm typing this post with one hand, because my other hand is consoling my no-no hole. It's scared and confused after hearing this story.
This past Monday night, two cops in Indiana were on their normal patrol when they noticed a naked dude in the window of his home. The window's blinds were not closed, so everyone could see the naked pepaw and his shriveled cucumber. The two cops approached the pepaw's door, which was wide open. They went inside and discovered some fucked up shit. I mean, fucked up shit! Cover your a-hole when read the next part. You don't want it to cry, because that will just make everything a mess.
The pepaw was on his sofa nailing himself in the ass with a claw hammer! The claw hammer was covered in a plastic bag and shoved up there. The cops also noticed some lube-type shit all over his genitals and nalgas. It was motor oil. Okay, let's take a moment and think about this for a second. Now the police report didn't say which part of the claw hammer was up his ass. Please don't tell me it was the claw part, because my asshole will start bawling and I'm wearing my last clean pair of panties.
I mean, I'm all for sticking shit up your ass, whatever you gotta do to get yours, but damn! Pepaw is going to pull out a kidney or something.
He obviously has some sort of fetish for tools. I don't even want to think about what he does with a hand brace or a sledgehammer. And what's with the motor oil? Was his ass squeaky or something?
The pepaw was arrested for felony public indecency. He asked for a second chance, but the cops denied him when they found out he had a previous conviction for public indecency.
The cops also interviewed a neighbor lady who said he's always naked in front of his window. She went on to say, "He does it 24/24. He's not right." Wait till she hears about the sexy things he can do with a claw hammer.
42-year-old Reginald Peterson of Jacksonville, FL had an extremely valid reason for calling 911. He called them because the dumb bitches at Subway got his sandwich wrong! Finally! Someone has stood up and done something about the injustice that's going on at Subway!
He told police that his sammy "did not include 'everything' as he had requested." He told the police that they "could have his sandwich made to his specifications."
Reginald claimed the sauce in his Spicy Italian sandwich was left out. He called 911 twice. Once to complain about the sandwich, and a second time to complain about the officers taking so long. This man is amazing.
The whores at Subway told police that he flipped out and started screaming at everyone because they couldn't get his sammy right. They locked him out of the store after he went to call 911.
When the police got there, they tried to calm him down, but that didn't really work out. He just wanted his damn sauce! Reginald was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of placing false 911 calls.
I don't blame him. I'd be pissed off too if I got an Italian foot-long without the sauce. Although, I'm not talking about a sandwich.
Seriously, it's not completely his fault. The little voices in his head kept telling him that he deserved the damn sauce!
Pam Babcock aka "The Toilet Lady" spent two years living in her boyfriend's bathroom. She also spent at least one month sitting on the toilet, so long that her ass cheeks became one with the seat. When her stupid fuck boyfriend, Kory McFarren, finally called for help this past February, he told them that she just didn't want to come out of the bathroom. He kept bringing her food and water, but Pam refused to leave. I wouldn't want to leave the toilet either if Kory was my boyfriend.
Kory was charged with a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult. Last month, he pleaded no contest to the charge. Yesterday, a judge in Kansas ordered him to six months in the clink.
The judge changed his sentence to one year of probation after Pam asked for leniency. The County Attorney said, "She didn't believe that her circumstances were his fault." Pam was in the hospital foreeeever, but now she's living with a guardian appointed by the legal department of the hospital she was treated at. I hope they gave her a separate guardian for her ass cheeks. Her cheeks will be forever traumatized.
Kory was also given six months probation to an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior. Shortly after the "toilet incident," Kory was arrested for showing his nastiness to a teenage neighbor and her friends.
I don't agree with the judge's sentence. Obviously, he should have sentenced him to six months on the toilet.
This is Alexandru Ionce and his wifey Livia from Canada. The welcomed their 18th child, a girl, into this cruel world last Tuesday. Yes, 18th. Ten plus eight. Michelle Duggar has some serious competition. Michelle is currently knocked up with her 18th.
44-year-old Livia's 17 other kids range in age from 20 months to 23 years old. 10 girls and 8 boys. None of them were twins and all except one were born naturally. Livia's got the Hoover Dam of coochies.
Livia said that they had hoped their 18th kid was girl, so things would be even. They aren't sure if they are going to keep having kids. Alexandru said, "We just let God guide our lives, you know, because we strongly believe life comes from God and that's the reason we did not stop the life. We let life come." Oh, I bet you did. Who knew that such an elf of a man could have such powerful spermies.
Alexandru works in the construction industry and Livia stays home with their fifty five million kids. They should put all those kids to work. Sweat shop! I'm sure Walmart would hook them up.
After giving birth to 17 babies naturally, I'm sure labor is a breeze. Livia doesn't even need to push. The baby just stands up and walks out of her vagina like nothing.
Below is an itty bitty picture of Alexandru, Livia and their 17 kids. Their kids' names are (are you ready?): Ioana, Alexandra, Anca, Adrian, Raluca, Alex, Lidia, Timothy, Sefora, Otniel, Miriam, Simion, David, Aaron, Naomi and Filip. Their newest kid's name is Abigail. I hope they make their kids wear name tags because their brains are going to explode trying to remember all those names.
When something in your house breaks, a normal person would kick it or call it a "stupid cunt." Not Keith Walendowski from Milwaukee. When his lawn mower didn't start, he shot the bitch. You know he probably yelled, "Godamn stupid fucking lawn damn fucking mower!" when he shot at it.
One of Keith's lady friends, who lives with him, called the po po and got her old man arrested. What a bitch! He was probably interrupting her favorite "Mama's Family" re-run.
Keith was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. When asked why he shot the lawn mower, he said (read this with a raspy slur) "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." Pepaw has a point.
Keefs (that's probably what his friends call him because they are all drunks) faces up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.
Keef's lady friend also told the police he was drunk at the time. You fucking think? Just from looking at his mug shot, I can smell the mixture of Early Times whiskey and Pall Malls.
That being said, I wouldn't hit it. Shocking, eh? Okay, I'm lying. I totally would if he shared some of his Early Times with me.
Thanks Carol Ann
That's when Vitaly reached in his glove compartment, pulled out a gun, cocked it, aimed it at the other car and said, "Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your fucking windows up." Hmmm...maybe he's a French's type of dude?
When Vitaly drove off, the passenger in the other car got his license plate information and called the cops. Payback sucks. Vitaly was arrested and charged with felony aggravated assault.
Some douchebags can't take a stupid joke. Vitaly needs to lighten up and get fucked with a funny bone. If you told him a knock-knock joke, he'd probably shoot you in the face.
That being said, I'd hit it in a bathtub full of Grey Poupon.
File this under: Bitch must be smoking some of the pure shit! Meet 19-year-old Abbie Hawkins from England. One afternoon, Abbie was working at her job as a hotel receptionist when she felt vibrating coming from her chichi area. Apparently, Abbie regularly keeps her cell phone in her chichis, because she figured her phone was the cause of all that shaking. I would've let the nipple tickling continue all fucking day! Shit, I would've headed to the nearest bathroom with an International Male catalog in my hands. Nipple party!
When Abbie went to grab what she thought was her mobile phone, she found a baby bat instead! According to her stupid ass, the bat had been there for about five hours. She said it was just lying in her bra. It was probably thinking, "Bitch, I'm taking a dump. Give me some privacy!"
Abbie told The Daily Mail, "I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly. The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before. When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket. It was quite a busy morning and I did not for one minute think it was anything other than my mobile."
The hotel's manager helped Abbie get the bat out of her bra (I'm sure he did) and he set it free.
Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha. This bitch is dense! And I'm sure that poor baby bat flew to the nearest looney bin for psychiatric treatment. He's never going to be the same again.
And Xtina says "there's a bat in my chichis" at least four times a week.
Below are more pictures of dumb fuck Abbie posing with some plastic bat. No wonder she didn't notice the baby bat in her chichis, she has wonk eye for days!
This 35-year-old Aaron Maurice and he was arrested in Appleton, WI last Wednesday after police found him in the basement of a house he was trying to rob. They found Aaron completely covered in barbecue sauce from head to toe.
It all started at around 4 in the morning, when the couple who lived in the house, heard whistling coming from the basement. The male resident grabbed his shotgun and headed to the basement. He found the lights turned on, so he turned them off. That's when the BBQ lover Aaron asked the man what he was doing.
In addition to the BBQ sauce, Aaron was wearing a chick's jacket and a dude's hat. He told the po-po that he broke into the basement, because he's on the run from the government. He said the BBQ sauce was an “urban disguise.” Crack is whack!
I know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I also hope the police release pictures of Aaron in his BBQ sauce disguise. You know, because if I'm ever on the run from the government, I want to know if BBQ sauce is a good enough disguise.
And yes, I'd hit it. BBQ sauce and all!
29-year-old Stephanie Wilson decided to take her little baby and her other young child for a walk around their Utica, NY neighborhood on Tuesday evening. Everything was going well until Stephanie ran into one of her rivals. Stephanie and the other woman immediately began arguing over money. That's when Stephanie reached into the stroller and pulled out a big knife! She also pulled out a sawed-off shotgun. This is some Quentin Tarantino shit!
The police were called. When they arrived and searched the stroller, they found the knife, the sawed-off shotgun AND two other knives and a box cutter razor. Don't judge! This woman is protecting her family.
The cops didn't see it that way and they arrested Stephanie and charged her with three counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of third-degree criminal possession of a weapon. Her children were turned over to CPS.
What the hell kind of stroller holds all that shit?! You know MiserAlba has already called Stephanie to ask her what brand of stroller she has and if it also comes equipped with a flame thrower.
First of all, I'm going to titty slap the bitch who sent this to me with the message: "IT'S CYNTHIA NIXONS GIRLFRIEND!" You know who you are and I'll meet you out back. One of Rojo Caliente's silver dollar nipples has more beauty in it than all Terry of Birmingham. Actually, Terry sort of looks like the love child of Clay Gayken and Celia Hodes.
Anytranny, this is Terry Wright of Birmingham, England and he's turning into a lady. This is not his choice. Terry told The Sun, “I am a man, not a woman. And I do not want to be a woman. I just want to get my life back to normal.” Welcome to my world, Terry. I say that to myself at least twice a day.
Terry's change started 10 years ago when he started losing his hair and beard. Shortly after that, his skin smoothed out, his chichis grew and he started having hot flashes. Today, Terry covers up his bald head with a crappy wig. Don't ask me about the eyebrows. Do they have cholas in England?
Terry has been checked out by psychiatrists who claim he's mentally fine. Doctors found abnormally high levels of estrogen, but they aren't sure how to reverse Terry's condition.
He said, “I get mocked by kids where I live who call me She-Man and other names. Once a child bumped into me and its mother said, ‘Say sorry to the lady.’ My mates are shocked at my appearance but try to make light of it by saying I’m just a pretty-looking man.”
If Terry ever becomes a full-on woman, he won't have to change his name. I'm thinking positively!
You know, Terry pretty much looks like a dude. He just needs to rip off the Judge Judy wig, wipe off his cholita ginge eyebrows and remove the lip liner. Dude again!