Real People

File this under: Bitch must be smoking some of the pure shit! Meet 19-year-old Abbie Hawkins from England. One afternoon, Abbie was working at her job as a hotel receptionist when she felt vibrating coming from her chichi area. Apparently, Abbie regularly keeps her cell phone in her chichis, because she figured her phone was the cause of all that shaking. I would've let the nipple tickling continue all fucking day! Shit, I would've headed to the nearest bathroom with an International Male catalog in my hands. Nipple party!

When Abbie went to grab what she thought was her mobile phone, she found a baby bat instead! According to her stupid ass, the bat had been there for about five hours. She said it was just lying in her bra. It was probably thinking, "Bitch, I'm taking a dump. Give me some privacy!"

Abbie told The Daily Mail, "I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly. The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before. When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket. It was quite a busy morning and I did not for one minute think it was anything other than my mobile."

The hotel's manager helped Abbie get the bat out of her bra (I'm sure he did) and he set it free.

Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha. This bitch is dense! And I'm sure that poor baby bat flew to the nearest looney bin for psychiatric treatment. He's never going to be the same again.

And Xtina says "there's a bat in my chichis" at least four times a week.

Below are more pictures of dumb fuck Abbie posing with some plastic bat. No wonder she didn't notice the baby bat in her chichis, she has wonk eye for days!

This 35-year-old Aaron Maurice and he was arrested in Appleton, WI last Wednesday after police found him in the basement of a house he was trying to rob. They found Aaron completely covered in barbecue sauce from head to toe.

It all started at around 4 in the morning, when the couple who lived in the house, heard whistling coming from the basement. The male resident grabbed his shotgun and headed to the basement. He found the lights turned on, so he turned them off. That's when the BBQ lover Aaron asked the man what he was doing.

In addition to the BBQ sauce, Aaron was wearing a chick's jacket and a dude's hat. He told the po-po that he broke into the basement, because he's on the run from the government. He said the BBQ sauce was an “urban disguise.” Crack is whack!

I know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I also hope the police release pictures of Aaron in his BBQ sauce disguise. You know, because if I'm ever on the run from the government, I want to know if BBQ sauce is a good enough disguise.

And yes, I'd hit it. BBQ sauce and all!

Source

29-year-old Stephanie Wilson decided to take her little baby and her other young child for a walk around their Utica, NY neighborhood on Tuesday evening. Everything was going well until Stephanie ran into one of her rivals. Stephanie and the other woman immediately began arguing over money. That's when Stephanie reached into the stroller and pulled out a big knife! She also pulled out a sawed-off shotgun. This is some Quentin Tarantino shit!

The police were called. When they arrived and searched the stroller, they found the knife, the sawed-off shotgun AND two other knives and a box cutter razor. Don't judge! This woman is protecting her family.

The cops didn't see it that way and they arrested Stephanie and charged her with three counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of third-degree criminal possession of a weapon. Her children were turned over to CPS.

What the hell kind of stroller holds all that shit?! You know MiserAlba has already called Stephanie to ask her what brand of stroller she has and if it also comes equipped with a flame thrower.

Source

Thanks John

First of all, I'm going to titty slap the bitch who sent this to me with the message: "IT'S CYNTHIA NIXONS GIRLFRIEND!" You know who you are and I'll meet you out back. One of Rojo Caliente's silver dollar nipples has more beauty in it than all Terry of Birmingham. Actually, Terry sort of looks like the love child of Clay Gayken and Celia Hodes.

Anytranny, this is Terry Wright of Birmingham, England and he's turning into a lady. This is not his choice. Terry told The Sun, “I am a man, not a woman. And I do not want to be a woman. I just want to get my life back to normal.” Welcome to my world, Terry. I say that to myself at least twice a day.

Terry's change started 10 years ago when he started losing his hair and beard. Shortly after that, his skin smoothed out, his chichis grew and he started having hot flashes. Today, Terry covers up his bald head with a crappy wig. Don't ask me about the eyebrows. Do they have cholas in England?

Terry has been checked out by psychiatrists who claim he's mentally fine. Doctors found abnormally high levels of estrogen, but they aren't sure how to reverse Terry's condition.

He said, “I get mocked by kids where I live who call me She-Man and other names. Once a child bumped into me and its mother said, ‘Say sorry to the lady.’ My mates are shocked at my appearance but try to make light of it by saying I’m just a pretty-looking man.”

If Terry ever becomes a full-on woman, he won't have to change his name. I'm thinking positively!

You know, Terry pretty much looks like a dude. He just needs to rip off the Judge Judy wig, wipe off his cholita ginge eyebrows and remove the lip liner. Dude again!

42-year-old Deven Traboscia of Palm Beach Gardens, FL is auctioning off her home and herself in a package deal. The single mother of 2 has posted an auction on eBay as well as an ad on Craigslist. She's been divorced for 8 years and hopes she'll find a man and a buyer for her house. Her Craigslist ad reads:

Marry a Princess Lost in America
Create the Magic with this Fairy Tale Princess

Traveling Lady in immediate need of her Prince Charming, someone who wants to share & create magical moments, imaginations & fantasies for LIFE!!!

If you want to live the never ending dream and experience the real love, life and the romance you have always felt was a fairytale then this is the vibrant outstanding woman of your dreams!

To sweep this European Loving Lady off her feet send in your application right now.

Deven's home is 2000 sqft on a 5,227 sqft lot. Wait, maybe those are her body measurements. She told ABC Action News that a man from Europe is coming to Florida to meet her and see the home. She's going to be fucking pissed when Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno shows up with his camera crew.

Deven included a few pictures of herself and her home in the auction, but she looks nothing like those pictures! The second thumbnail below is what Deven's ass looks like now. False advertising! And what does "European Loving Lady" mean? Does that mean she's into kinky shit?

The eBay auction has since been removed by a bunch of fun killers, but bidding started at 99 cents with a $500,000 shipping and handling fee. Deven's Craigslist ad is still up, so the fairy princess and her dream home can still be yours for the rock bottom price of $500,099. Or you can just buy me for a two piece and a biscuit.

Basically, this dude right here shoved a cell phone up his ass. You see, Jeffrey Barrier was arrested at a tanning salon in Cincinnati for allegedly trying to take pictures of a nekkid woman. 41-year-old Jeffrey stood on a chair to get pictures of the chick. When the fuzz arrived, Jeffrey denied away and said he didn't have a camera with him.

When the police searched his ass, literally, they found the shitty cell phone camera. Don't ask me how this sick fuck got the cell phone up his ass. Don't ask me to demonstrate either. I save fuckery like that for the end of the week. My ass needs a couple of days to recover.

Seriously though, he's one talented butt fucker. I bet he can text his friends with his sphincter. And screw a mug shot! I want an ass shot! His ass can probably smile and wink for the camera too!

Source: The Smoking Gun

Of course, not thee God. Thee God doesn't sell coke on corners or make house calls! He makes bitches come to him. Anyway, a dude named God Lucky Howard was arrested near a Church in Tampa, FL for allegedly coke. Church?! Well, at least he's capitalizing on his name. He could easily tell a crackhead, "God wants you to buy this" and he wouldn't be lying.

God tried to sell coke to two undercover cops. They searched his kingdom and found 22 grams of coke and a scale. He was charged with selling coke and also charged with trying to sell it within 1,000 feet of a holy place. They should have added another charge for having the name GOD.

I blame his parents. Give a child a name like "God Lucky" and his life will be forever fucked. They might as well have named him "Inmate #567-890."

Source

Thanks Shy

A British chick was busted at an airport in Norway for trying to smuggle drugs into the country. This dumb bitch stuffed her wig full of coke and then glued it to her head. Wig mule! The customs agent knew something in the milk wasn't clean when they saw her big ass wig coming their way.

Customs officials said, "The agent thought she had a great deal of hair and suspected that she was wearing a wig. The wig was examined and the agents found a bag of cocaine." The official went on to say that the crazy woman kept screaming, "BLAAAAKE!"

The police had to take the 32-year-old genius to the hospital to have her wig removed. The court ordered the woman to be held until her July 15th court date.

Check Wino's hospital room right now! You will find a bed full of empty ice pop wrappers, a used-up tube of Gorilla Glue and a receipt for a plane ticket to Norway!

Source

Thanks Gill

A little baby in China was reportedly born with an extra peen on his back. The baby was born to a farmer and his wife in China's Henan province. The Sun reports that the condition is called fetus in fetu. He was taken to the hospital and the extra peen was removed. Thankfully, baby is fine after surgery and all is well. Dick happens!

Why can't I wake up with an extra dick on my back? I mean, a permanent dick on my back. It would make life so much more interesting.

The NSFWish picture of baby with a peen on his back is after the jump. JUMP!!!

On June 3, the po po pulled over a woman at the Green Acres Mobile Home Park in Loveland, Ohio because they suspected she was driving drunk. They found 29-year-old Marya Green with her 1-year-old son on her lap. The drunk bitch was letting him steer the car. She had an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old in the car with her.

They were only taking a little spin around the trailer park! Marya was teaching him how to drive, so that he could pick her up from the titty bar later on. At least she has a designated driver!

Marya's blood alcohol level was at .111. Damn! How many cans of Hamm's beer did she have?

She faces charges of DUI, driving under a suspended license and child engagement. This is her third DUI arrest in 6 years. Her kids were released to their father and CPS were notified.

Last year, there was a similiar case in Indiana. In that case, the dumb bitch let her 5-year-old drive her around. She said he was a "good driver."

Source

Thanks Mat