Real People

Andy Somora and Anna Pastuszwska's July 19th wedding started out as a fancy affair. They were married on the beach in Lakeside, Michigan and their reception was held at a nearby art gallery. It was also going smoothly until the booze came out. That'll do it! Their guests started drinking like Wino at happy hour. It got so out of control that one guest even threw a metal lamp through a glass window. That's when the gallery owner called the police.

When the police arrived he found a group of drunken monkeys making a mess. The officer at the scene said he witnessed one guest drinking vodka straight out of the bottle. Hmmm...I don't remember attending a wedding reception on July 19th in Michigan.

The police and the gallery owner tried to break up the party, but the bride and groom were not having it. The chief prosecutor on the case told The Chicago Sun-Times, "Andy got angry and started yelling, 'What are you doing? This is my wedding! You're making my wife cry! The crowd was trying to hold back the groom from mouthing off more, but finally he broke free, and they had to take him down."

Andy headed for the officers and his drunk ass wife moved in to try and stop him. That's when an officer tasered Andy's ass. Anna also got shocked because she was holding on to her new husband. One of the guests said the police totally overreacted, "Imagine the kids and grandma seeing the bride and groom getting Tasered on the floor." Shit! That's better than watching the lame band! That should become a new tradition. You may now TASER the groom!

Andy and Anna were arrested and thrown in separate jail cells where they spent the night. Andy was charged with resisting police, a felony. He has already pleaded guilty and could face up to 30 days in jail. Anna also pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of resisting an officer. She was fined $600.

This shit gets even better (or worse depending on who you are). Two nights later, Anna and Andy were arrested again in Michigan after police responded to a noise complaint. The two newly married douchebags once again fought with police. They got tasered AGAIN! Tasered twice in one week! Andy was charged with pushing his new wife down the stairs, but the charge was later dropped as part of a plea bargain.

This is the romance of our time! If they make it their first year anniversary, they should celebrate by tasering each other! A couple that gets tasered together, fries stays together.

Thanks Peaches

85-year-old Leda Smith of Point Marion, PA is not about to let some punk ass bitch fuck with her home! On Sunday afternoon, Leda was chilling in her home, probably smoking a bong and listening to Wu Tang, when she heard some bitch breaking into her house. Leda said her neighbor's home was recently robbed, so she had been keeping a .22-caliber revolver near her bed.

She went on to say, "I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun. I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it." Leda then made the 17-year-old robber call the police while she kept the gun pointed at him. She ordered him to hand her the phone so that she could report his ass. With the 911 operator on the line, she instructed him to lie face down on the floor with his legs spread. She continued to the point the gun at him. This memaw doesn't eff around. I guess watching all those episodes of "Barney Miller" really paid off.

The 17-year-old was charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court.

Leda said she found the whole thing "exciting." Granny got a taste for the gangsta life and now she's not going back! She also said, "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here." I hope all the criminals of Point Marion, PA heard that loud and clear. There's a new head bitch in charge and her name is Leda Smith.

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When we were little, kids dreamed of maybe one day playing bass or guitar in a band. Playing instruments was never my thing. I always wanted to be a video ho like Tawny Kitaen. Well, kids today are really fucking different than kids from yesterday.

Meet 16-year-old Blake Peebles. He quit high school to pursue his dreams of becoming a professional Guitar Hero player. Yes, the video game. Yes, he wants to make a career out of pushing shiny, plastic buttons. No, Blake doesn't know how to play a real guitar.

Somebody needs to let Whitney Houston know that she better change the lyrics to "I Believe the children AREN'T the future." For real.

After bugging their asses for months, Blake's parents finally agreed to his plan. They let him drop out of high school and hired a tutor for him. Blake spends all night playing his video games and some of the day doing school work. His mother said, "We couldn't take the complaining anymore. He always told me that he thought school was a waste of time." That's funny. I complained to my mother about school all the time and you know what she told me? "Shut up and deal with it! Now pass me the boxed wine!"

Blake has already played in professional tournaments and local competitions. So far he's only one around $1,000 in prizes. However, he did win 52 chicken sandwiches from Chik-Fil-A in a competition. Well, fuck me with a deep fried chicken cutlet! Sign me up! I'm quitting this blogging business and becoming a full-time Guitar Hero slave. Who needs a roof over your head and clean socks on your feet when you have free Chik-Fil-A!

Professional gamers can make up to $80,000 a year, but most of them make around $20,000 - $30,000 a year.

Good for Blake! There's nothing wrong with going for your dreams! Even if it means living in your parents' house for the rest of your life! And at least pushing on those buttons all day will come in handy when he finally has to get a job as a cashier at McDonald's. I mean, Chik-Fil-A.

Source: Kotaku

Thanks Andi

Cops in St. Paul, MN were called to the scene of a vending-machine theft and it didn't take them long to figure out who the hell did it. That's because the dumb fucks left a trail of Cheeto dust from the vending machine to a nearby house.

Inside the house, they found the three teenage Cheeto thieves along with tons of bags of other chips and candies. Of course, they all denied it. You know their hands were covered in Cheeto jizz and they still looked at the cop and said, "It wasn't me!" They were arrested.

Actually, Brit Brit would never let this happen. She's a fucking pro! Those little boys are amateurs! She would have cleaned the scene of the crime with her tongue. Besides, there's no way she could ever leave a trail of Cheeto dust. Cheeto dust follows her like a moth to a flame. You may think that's fake tanning grease on her skin, it's actually Cheeto dust that clings to her body every second of the day.

Brit Brit laughs at those little punks! And Cheesus is not amused.

Source - Image VIA Gallery of the Absurd

Thanks Andrea

I'm typing this post with one hand, because my other hand is consoling my no-no hole. It's scared and confused after hearing this story.

This past Monday night, two cops in Indiana were on their normal patrol when they noticed a naked dude in the window of his home. The window's blinds were not closed, so everyone could see the naked pepaw and his shriveled cucumber. The two cops approached the pepaw's door, which was wide open. They went inside and discovered some fucked up shit. I mean, fucked up shit! Cover your a-hole when read the next part. You don't want it to cry, because that will just make everything a mess.

The pepaw was on his sofa nailing himself in the ass with a claw hammer! The claw hammer was covered in a plastic bag and shoved up there. The cops also noticed some lube-type shit all over his genitals and nalgas. It was motor oil. Okay, let's take a moment and think about this for a second. Now the police report didn't say which part of the claw hammer was up his ass. Please don't tell me it was the claw part, because my asshole will start bawling and I'm wearing my last clean pair of panties.

I mean, I'm all for sticking shit up your ass, whatever you gotta do to get yours, but damn! Pepaw is going to pull out a kidney or something.

He obviously has some sort of fetish for tools. I don't even want to think about what he does with a hand brace or a sledgehammer. And what's with the motor oil? Was his ass squeaky or something?

The pepaw was arrested for felony public indecency. He asked for a second chance, but the cops denied him when they found out he had a previous conviction for public indecency.

The cops also interviewed a neighbor lady who said he's always naked in front of his window. She went on to say, "He does it 24/24. He's not right." Wait till she hears about the sexy things he can do with a claw hammer.

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42-year-old Reginald Peterson of Jacksonville, FL had an extremely valid reason for calling 911. He called them because the dumb bitches at Subway got his sandwich wrong! Finally! Someone has stood up and done something about the injustice that's going on at Subway!

He told police that his sammy "did not include 'everything' as he had requested." He told the police that they "could have his sandwich made to his specifications."

Reginald claimed the sauce in his Spicy Italian sandwich was left out. He called 911 twice. Once to complain about the sandwich, and a second time to complain about the officers taking so long. This man is amazing.

The whores at Subway told police that he flipped out and started screaming at everyone because they couldn't get his sammy right. They locked him out of the store after he went to call 911.

When the police got there, they tried to calm him down, but that didn't really work out. He just wanted his damn sauce! Reginald was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of placing false 911 calls.

I don't blame him. I'd be pissed off too if I got an Italian foot-long without the sauce. Although, I'm not talking about a sandwich.

Seriously, it's not completely his fault. The little voices in his head kept telling him that he deserved the damn sauce!

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Thanks Lex

Pam Babcock aka "The Toilet Lady" spent two years living in her boyfriend's bathroom. She also spent at least one month sitting on the toilet, so long that her ass cheeks became one with the seat. When her stupid fuck boyfriend, Kory McFarren, finally called for help this past February, he told them that she just didn't want to come out of the bathroom. He kept bringing her food and water, but Pam refused to leave. I wouldn't want to leave the toilet either if Kory was my boyfriend.

Kory was charged with a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult. Last month, he pleaded no contest to the charge. Yesterday, a judge in Kansas ordered him to six months in the clink.

The judge changed his sentence to one year of probation after Pam asked for leniency. The County Attorney said, "She didn't believe that her circumstances were his fault." Pam was in the hospital foreeeever, but now she's living with a guardian appointed by the legal department of the hospital she was treated at. I hope they gave her a separate guardian for her ass cheeks. Her cheeks will be forever traumatized.

Kory was also given six months probation to an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior. Shortly after the "toilet incident," Kory was arrested for showing his nastiness to a teenage neighbor and her friends.

I don't agree with the judge's sentence. Obviously, he should have sentenced him to six months on the toilet.

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Thanks Sara

This is Alexandru Ionce and his wifey Livia from Canada. The welcomed their 18th child, a girl, into this cruel world last Tuesday. Yes, 18th. Ten plus eight. Michelle Duggar has some serious competition. Michelle is currently knocked up with her 18th.

44-year-old Livia's 17 other kids range in age from 20 months to 23 years old. 10 girls and 8 boys. None of them were twins and all except one were born naturally. Livia's got the Hoover Dam of coochies.

Livia said that they had hoped their 18th kid was girl, so things would be even. They aren't sure if they are going to keep having kids. Alexandru said, "We just let God guide our lives, you know, because we strongly believe life comes from God and that's the reason we did not stop the life. We let life come." Oh, I bet you did. Who knew that such an elf of a man could have such powerful spermies.

Alexandru works in the construction industry and Livia stays home with their fifty five million kids. They should put all those kids to work. Sweat shop! I'm sure Walmart would hook them up.

After giving birth to 17 babies naturally, I'm sure labor is a breeze. Livia doesn't even need to push. The baby just stands up and walks out of her vagina like nothing.

Below is an itty bitty picture of Alexandru, Livia and their 17 kids. Their kids' names are (are you ready?): Ioana, Alexandra, Anca, Adrian, Raluca, Alex, Lidia, Timothy, Sefora, Otniel, Miriam, Simion, David, Aaron, Naomi and Filip. Their newest kid's name is Abigail. I hope they make their kids wear name tags because their brains are going to explode trying to remember all those names.

When something in your house breaks, a normal person would kick it or call it a "stupid cunt." Not Keith Walendowski from Milwaukee. When his lawn mower didn't start, he shot the bitch. You know he probably yelled, "Godamn stupid fucking lawn damn fucking mower!" when he shot at it.

One of Keith's lady friends, who lives with him, called the po po and got her old man arrested. What a bitch! He was probably interrupting her favorite "Mama's Family" re-run.

Keith was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. When asked why he shot the lawn mower, he said (read this with a raspy slur) "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." Pepaw has a point.

Keefs (that's probably what his friends call him because they are all drunks) faces up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

Keef's lady friend also told the police he was drunk at the time. You fucking think? Just from looking at his mug shot, I can smell the mixture of Early Times whiskey and Pall Malls.

That being said, I wouldn't hit it. Shocking, eh? Okay, I'm lying. I totally would if he shared some of his Early Times with me.

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Thanks Carol Ann