Rebecca Black will have to learn about the other days of the week at home, because she left school last semester after JELIZ H8RS kept making fun of her in the hallways. Rebecca's mom, who is schooling her at home in between helping with her career, tells ABC News (via TMZ) that the constant bullying became too much for Rebecca to take.
Well, at least Rebecca no longer has to make the Sophie's Choice decision about which seat to take. Rebecca explained the hate like this:
"When I walk by they'll start singing 'Friday' in a really nasally voice ... Or, you know, they'll be like, 'Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?'"
"Guess what day it is?!" Did those bullies go to the Disney Channel school of bullying?
Rebecca needs to travel with me to my 8th grade experience and watch as the kids asked me, "Oh hey, Michael, guess what? You're a dyke!" or "Oh hey, Michael, I can see your pussy in those shorts."
I swear, 7th grade and 8th grade are the worst. 6th grade is sunshine and happiness, but as soon you step into junior high, everybody becomes a full-blown cunt. Everybody. Junior high is just a quad full of cunts after a quad full of cunts. But even though it was a fiery inferno of hormonal cunts, it taught me a life lesson: be even cuntier. If it wasn't for the hell that is 7th grade, I might not have grown up to be a bitter old bitch who spews words of cuntiness on a daily basis. And Rebecca Black is totally missing out on the experience (no she isn't). Like I said before, what doesn't kill you, makes you cuntier, etc...
Or Rebecca can just get that experience by reading the comments under her mess of a music video.
On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).
This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.
So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.
Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.
Rebecca Black's "Friday" made all of our ear drums barf out blood in unison and now that some of us have finally gotten our hearing back she's come out with a second single called "My Moment (Is Over)." Rebecca has left the calendar alone for her second assault on our ears and is instead trying to show that she's grown up as an artist since her first song which came out like 14 minutes ago. This is like a dingle yanked off of Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This" and that's saying a lot, because that shit was awful too.
My ears are supposed to be committing suicide, but they're snoring instead. What happened to the Rebecca Black who educated us on the days of the week? Where's that awkward blonde girl who died inside while sitting in the backseat? Where's the Rebecca Black who had FUN FUN FUN while all of our ears wished they were RIP RIP RIP? Fame has changed another one.
And since these hos insist on auto-tuning the life out of her voice they should at least throw some auto-rhythm on her dance moves too.
After taking a break to recharge its evil power of drilling holes into the souls of the innocent, Rebecca Black's "Friday" has made its way back onto the Internet. Yesterday, Rebecca pulled it off YouTube due to some legal crap with Ark Music Factory, but today it showed its face on Vevo. And it's the Director's Cut! No, that doesn't mean it ends with Rebecca and Fat Usher driving into the Grand Canyon Thelma & Louise style. It really doesn't mean anything. It's the same shit. Oh, well. Fridays are awful again! Tell
everyone no one!
If you need to know which day comes after Saturday then you'll have to do it analog style by checking your damn desk calendar, because Rebecca Black has pulled the bloody scab that is "Friday" off of YouTube. TMZ says that the reason is because Ark Music Factory, the Illuminati child pop star factory that produced the video, and Rebecca are fighting to the death over the rights to that mess (there's nobody root for here).
On Monday, Ark tried to charge hos $2.99 to watch "Friday" and that's what forced Rebecca to take it off of YouTube. Rebecca's lawyer said this shit:
"We can confirm that we submitted a Take Down Notice to YouTube as a result of the dispute we have with Ark Music regarding the 'Friday' video."
Don't worry! You can still prove that you hate yourself by downloading it on iTunes! Or you can just wait until you get to the underworld, because I'm pretty sure "Friday" is what the farts of Satan's minions sound like.
Oh, well. At least we'll always Vagina Ain't Handicapped!
Rebecca Black was scheduled to slip off the side of the Internet and fall into the land of lost viral stars with La Pequena (where for art thou, La Pequena?!), Golden Voice, Backinup Lady, Antoine Dodson and Spaghetti Cat, but Katy Perry has extended her 15 seconds of fame by throwing here in the video for "Last Friday Night (TGIF)." You know, because if it has Friday in the title, Rebecca Black HAS to be in it. ("Can we get to the part where Rebecca Black can only book a parking lot concert at T.G.I. Friday's?" - Jenna Rose)
I'm sure the Parents Television Council is already farting out a threatening letter to Katy claiming she's telling kids to rip off their head gears in the name of blackout sex. But how can you hate on something Kenny G and Hanson in it?
It's true that whenever a new pop song falls on the world I always place a bet with myself on whether or not it will somehow come out of Lea Michele's (or whoever's) mouth on Glee. So when Rebecca Black chewed a giant hole into all of our eardrums, I asked myself the same question. I didn't think they would. But would they? They wouldn't? They would! Well, they did and here's Puck, Artie and Sam doing their version for next week's episode.
Yeah. So I'm just going to leave this here for you to marinate on while I write a letter to Fox pleading with them to bring back Cop Rock just so they can cover The Backinup Song.
One could blame Rebecca Black for finally killing auto-tune by strangling it with her bare vocal cords and for turning Friday into a sad face, but that doesn't mean it's okay for hos to fill her voicemail box with death threats, but that's what somebody is doing. USA Today says that Anaheim police are investigating two separate death threats against Rebecca. One threat came from a phone call and the other landed in her e-mail inbox. Kevin Costner, get down to Orange County, grab Rebecca and keep her safe inside of your pappy's lakeside cabin (DON'T BRING HER SISTER).
Rick Martinez, the rep for Anaheim police, said, "In essence, the threats were related to getting the music off the Internet or they were going to kill her."
Some say that you truly haven't made it until you've gotten a death threat, but "dislike" any random kitten video on YouTube and you'll find an e-mail with a skull on it in your inbox.
I'm sure if the police backtraced the e-mail, they will not only find that consequences will never be the same, but they will also find a bedazzled pink laptop with a denim cozy over it (I'm looking at you, Jenna Rose).
By the way, every time "Friday" passed through my ears I took that as a direct death threat.
(Image via PopDirt)
Stephen Colbert literally lost a staged bet with Jimmy Fallon and last night he kept his word by performing his rendition of Rebecca Black's stirring torch song (meaning you want to torch that fucking song and watch it burn) and American classic "Friday." Joined by The Roots, Jimmy Fallon and Taylor "UGH" Hicks, Stephen Colbert cooed out the best rendition of this mess we'll ever hear unless La Pequeña comes out of retirement and puts her bump on it. If that doesn't happen, then we can consider this the white rose on Friday's coffin and we'll all wave as the hearse takes it away to the Forest Lawn Meme Memorial Cemetery. Until the next!
13-year-old Rebecca Black, the pop culture superstar sensation who is about to receive a restraining order from Friday, made her late-night talk show debut on Leno! Rebecca charmed Bradley Cooper, said she's donating the profits from her single to charity and told Jay that she didn't have to audition for Ark Music Factory. Well, Rebecca didn't have to audition, but a personal check her mom cut did. And guess what? It passed! Thank the auto-tune gods for that, because if it didn't we'd never get to see her perform "Fried Eggs" last night. I use the term "perform" as loosely as I use my bong.
This feels like something you might see if you walked down into the basement and caught your sister singing karaoke to an audience made up of her favorite stuffed animals. But Rebecca seems like a sweet girl and she is pretty good at mouthing lyrics into a mic. She's ALMOST as talented as Our Lady of Cheetos. Brit Brit better hold her weave, because Rebecca is coming to snatch it right off!