Jon Bon Jovi
I don't know about you, but if I was a junior high school girl circa 1987, I would be experiencing my first downtown moistening after seeing these pics of New Jersey's finest - Jon Bon Jovi - showing off the bod. Can you tell I've had an entire bottle of champagne, two White Russians, and three shots of Bailey's in CHOCOLATE CUPS YOU CAN EAT? It's like a fat drunk's greatest fantasy - a shot of booze YOU JUST STUFF IN YOUR MAW. And to the commentator who snarked that Boston can't be a drinking city because we don't have a legal happy hour - think again, chief. We work around that shit.
Jon is shooting us down in a blaze of glory by showing off his middle-aged millionaire bod on the beach at St. Bart's. Rich people have a lot of time on their hands. So much time that photographing kelp is a cherished pastime. Seriously, all Jon Bon has to do is tour every five years and shit out an album with a passable adult contemporary single and money falls on his face. That's a hot job.
Today's "GET OFF MAH LAWNS" moment is brought to you by Jon Bon Jovi. JoBoJo is sitting on his front porch in his leather Snuggie and waving his cane at Apple CEO Steve Jobs who he thinks is responsible for killing the music experience. Yes, you can put four quarters into the iTunes juke box and request a Jon Bon Jovi song, but he's not exactly pushing out smiles about it.
In an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine, JB played the "going back in time" harp and reminisced about the old days when you played a record in your living room while holding the jacket against your chest. Okay, besides Sandra Dee, who the fuck held the record jacket against their chest like that? I guess Jon Bon Jovi did:
"Kids today have missed the whole experience of putting the headphones on, turning it up to 10, holding the jacket, closing their eyes and getting lost in an album; and the beauty of taking your allowance money and making a decision based on the jacket, not knowing what the record sounded like, and looking at a couple of still pictures and imagining it.
God, it was a magical, magical time. I hate to sound like an old man now, but I am, and you mark my words, in a generation from now people are going to say: 'What happened?' Steve Jobs is personally responsible for killing the music business."
KIDS TODAY! Like JoBoJo, I sometimes get a bit of nostalgia in my eyes when thinking about how I used to stroll into Wherehouse Music on a Sunday afternoon and look at the board to see what the following week's upcoming releases would be. Yes, I got that shit from looking at a stupid board. Then I'd come back sometime that week and use my allowance money to buy a CD and a couple of cassette singles. For the rest of the day, I'd listen to the entire CD on my headphones while reading the lyrics word for word and thinking about which songs I was going to put on the road trip mix-tape. Making a mix-tape was a mathematical art form, because you had to time that shit perfectly. Yes, those were the days. But those are always the days.
When cassette tapes came along, hos were screaming about the days of records. When CDs came along, hos were screaming about the days of cassette tapes (correction: I don't think anybody missed cassettes). When Mp3s came along, hos were screaming about the days of CDs. It's always going to be like that.
In 20 years, The Sunday Times iPad Weekly will interview one of the Jonas Brothers who will say how he misses the old days when kids uploaded songs to their iPod and listened to it while watching Cat videos and downloading porn clips from Megashare. Because in the future we'll simply stream auto-tune arias directly into a microchip in our brains. "Those WERE the days" - A Jonas Bros. speaking from the set of Hoverboarding with the Stars