The fame whoring leg move died the day after St. Angie Jo did it at the Oscars and then it woke up and quickly died again when JLo did it, and now it's definitely covered with grave dirt, because Michelle Williams has ended the trend by bringing us a new trend. At the Hollywood premiere of Oz: The Great and Powerful (which sadly isn't about Dr. Oz's eternal search for the perfect banana-shaped shit) last night, Michelle Williams wore a dress that was business in the front and party on the side.
Michelle wore some Prada window panel covered with mirrored flowers and when she turned to the side, she gave hos a peak of her memaw chonies. This works for me, because she can squat a piss out almost anywhere with ease and because you should always look like you're ready for a pool party. I had this friend in high school who wore a bikini under every damn outfit during the summer, because she always wanted to be ready to tan at a moment's notice. Or maybe she was an underage on-call stripper and needed to wear her uniform underneath her clothes at all times. That's possible.
So the side thigh is officially in. Everybody grab your skirts, dresses, pants, culottes, whatever and slit the side of that shit so your side thigh is always showing. I want to see all the side thighs.
Obviously, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and James Franco didn't get the memo, because they kept their side thighs to themselves last night. But James Franco did float into the premiere on a balloon that was filled with more hot air than him. That's an accomplishment!
Here's Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis at the Lakers game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night and there's a good reason for why she looks like she's smelling random coochie fumes wafting off of his crotch. Sara Leal, the side trick who Ashton cheated on Demi Moore with, is telling Star Magazine (via HL) that his wandering peen is still wandering from side ho to side ho and one of his side hos is her friend's friend's friend.
Sara says that not too long ago one of her friends (let's call her my favorite name Concepcion) showed her a picture that Concepcion's friend (let's call her my other favorite name Chardonnay) sent her. The picture was of Ashton Kutcher in his pajamas and Chardonnay claims that her friend (let's call her my other other favorite name Everleigh) took it, because Everleigh is doing him part-time. Sara tells Star that she didn't totally believe Chardonnay at first, but Chardonnay has been inside of Ashton's house in L.A. when he was there with Everleigh. Sara put it like this:
“It could just be an innocent picture, but I think it’s also possible he’s not dating Mila exclusively. Not just because of that photo, but because he’s cheated before. That would definitely be a red flag for me, if I were dating someone who’d cheated on their wife. I would hate for Mila to have the same experience as Demi. I wouldn’t wish that situation on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If I were Mila, I’d be careful."
So to recap: Sara thinks Ashton is fucking around on Mila, because she saw a picture of him in his pajamas that Everleigh sent to Chardonnay who sent to Concepcion who showed it to Sarah. CONFUSING! Let's make this simple: Ashton is doing Mila, Concepcion, Everleigh, Chardonnay and everybody else, because he is a slut who can't stop slutting. There, glad we could clear that up.
And more importantly, is that Shia LaBeouf's goddess of a mother next to that slut Ashton?
Judging by the "It's seeping through my scarf, you nasty motherfucker" side-eye that Mila Kunis is throwing at Ashton Kutcher, it was totally him and it totally reeked like 5-day-old enema water and vinegar. Yes, so that's why Demi Moore starts screaming, "WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE ME? WHY????!", halfway through her weekly coochie and culo colonic.
Mila Kunis is in Rome, Italy shooting some movie called Third Person and her latest bad decision Ashton Kutcher is there with her ass. Mila and Ashton have been spending their time in Rome looking miserable, eating, looking miserable, eating, look miserable and eating. People says they went to a restaurant on Sunday night and I don't know how People did it, but they managed to get a hold of the EXCLUSIVE details of Mila and Ashton's meal. Forget Elmo's demise, The New York Times should be covering this instead:
At dinner, the pair ordered a number of the restaurant's specialties, including Parma ham crudo and mozzarella, eggplant parmigiana, mini beef sliders, pasta with chickpeas, a salad with marinated anchovies and much more. They also saved room for dessert: a thousand layer pastry with cream and fresh berries. And the couple washed down their meal with a bottle of red wine.
Oh okay, add "and a hint of marinated anchovies" to my description of Ashton's butt queef smell.
The next three Star Wars movies will be shot in somebody's garage and all the costumes will be made of cardboard and empty Mountain Dew cans, because Disney put all their money and more into the Wizard of Oz prequel, Oz: The Great and Powerful. Disney released the first full trailer for it this morning.
My abuelita had this moving waterfall painting in her bedroom that came alive when you plugged it in. The entire painting lit up, the waterfall moved, birds chirped and the rainbow over the water glowed. It was more real-looking and awe-inspiring than anything in the Oz: The Great and Powerful trailer. I know it's not supposed to look like real life, but damn. If they were going to use this much CGI, they should've used some CGI magic to make James Franco look anything but smug. I know, I'm just saying that because I'm jealous of the fact that Franco is an award-winning blogger.
Oz: The Great and Powerful is basically just a damage control piece, because they want us to believe that before the Wizard was a cranky, old, assholian bitch, he was a good man who wanted to do great things. Please, the Wizard of Oz was born a straight-up bitch and Disney can't convince me otherwise.
All shade aside, this doesn't look as awful as I thought it was going to look. It looks like the perfect movie to get stoned to (but what isn't?). My only real problem is that somebody needs to give Michelle Williams a hug or some TUMS already. Girl always looks like she's either got bad indigestion or she just watched the last part of Where the Red Fern Grows. Or maybe Michelle is just on the verge of letting out a stream of happy tears, because she can't believe that she's acting opposite the greatest artist in the world: James Franco.
You know that sick, insecure feeling you get when you roll up to your piece's job (or drive thru, whatever) and get a look at their hotter than you coworker? And there they are, doing teamwork shit and laughing, and being way too close to each other you're trying to wish that bitch away like the kid in Creepshow? And then you break up later and he starts humping on said piece, or maybe they'd been boning in the walk in cooler all along? Well US says that Demi Moore is just like us, except with a lot more money and a lot less sense.
named Demi tells US Magazine that Demi has the sads that her almost ex Ashton Kutcher and his old 70's Show castmate Mila Kunis are doing it. DUH. I'd like to throw some shade, but I kind of feel sorry for her ass. It has to suck to work so hard tweeting bikini pics of yourself, getting fillers, doing chicken dances and all that only to have to hand your hubby over to THAT SHADY WORK BITCH in the end. I just hope she can put it in perspective, realize that this is fucking KELSO we're talking about and just be glad that Mila took that stank trash to the curb for her.
Demi needs to throw on her best fuck me pumps, down a couple of Red Bulls, huff a can of whipped cream and get her sad ass back on the stroll. As all old hoes know, the best way to get over a piece is to get under a new one.
Because the Duchess of Alba and Chantal Biya took themselves out of the running to give homelier hags a chance, Esquire named Mila Kunis as their Sexiest Woman Alive. Esquire tried to prove their point by publishing a cover picture of a topless and guilty Mila looking like you just caught her licking Ashton Kutcher's butt essence from her finger. Mila needs to get that finger out of her mouth, because we all know where it's been and none of us like it. You nasty, Mila!
Magazines only pull this "Sexiest Blah Blah Alive" stuff, because they want everyone to rage their b-holes off by screaming "She isn't the sexiest! Rojo Caliente is! RECOUNT!" (that was me five seconds ago) and because it's the easiest way to get their cover girl to take her top off for the photographer. But you know, for once I actually agree with Esquire, but only because I can't argue with a magazine who put the words "Where To Eat Now" right next to Mila's ass. Subtle. Those dirty ass lickers should win a Pulitzer for that alone.
And when is Esquire going to finally name their Sexiest Woman Dead? Anna Wintour and the Olsens need to be recognized for being sexy AND soulless.
This is what Disney got when they threw together $200 million, Sam Raimi James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff (???) and slightly more special effects than your average Mimi photo shoot. This is the trailer for the prequel of Wizard of Oz, Oz: The Great And Powerful and it comes out next year after the world has ended.
James Franco plays some kind of scheming magician who gets sucked into a tornado and travels to a land made of leftover CGI effects from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. James then meets the three witches: Mila Kunis, who looks like a cross between a bootleg Carmen Sandiego and a lost character from Clue, Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams. Even in a damn children's movie Michelle Williams looks sad, cold and on the verge of tears. Somebody get her a space blanket and a basket of kittens. Michelle plays Glinda, so shouldn't she be like singing and blowing out bubbles and shit? Anyway, once James meets them, they somehow decide that he's the first coming of God and is going to save Oz. It's kind of like how James Franco thinks he, James Franco, is the first coming of God and is going to save us with his ART.
Also, am I the only one who wishes that Oz: The Great And Powerful was a movie about Christopher Meloni having non-stop butt sex in a prison shower?
Click here if you can't see the trailer above.
Mila Kunis let out a capital N-O over a week ago after the rumor started that she had an all-naked That '70s Show reunion with Ashton Kutcher. Mila said the same shit you say when your friend accuses you of scooting your goods all over the town douche: We're just friends! We just drink tea together. Well, People says that over the weekend, Mila and Ashton spent three days together in Carpinteria, CA. During the three days, they ate sushi, bought flowers and had coffee, so yeah they're totally bumping nipples. Some source close to Ashton tells People that he has always farted hearts out of his eyes for Mila:
"He was so in love with her for a while when they worked together. He thought she was a goddess, was always talking about how beautiful she is. But she was with Macaulay [Culkin] for a lot of that time and also just generally gave off a not interested vibe. It never happened, but I'm not surprised by this – at all."
Ashton Kutcher is a certified asshole, but he's hot on the outside, so I totally understand that Mila wants to ride that shit until her poon lips fall off, but she needs to keep denying. Just deny, deny, deny away no matter what the media asks.
Media: Are you dating Ashton Kutcher?
Mila: No, we're just friends. This best friends forever half-heart pendant is from him and he's wearing the other half. Fuck buddies do not give each other BFF half-heart pendants. That's gross.
Media: Then why does your breath smell like a clean pussy?
Mila: Because I gargle with Massengill. If it's good enough for my vagina, it's good enough for my mouth.
Media: But we have these pictures of you with Ashton's peen in your mouth.
Mila: Talk about getting blown (no pun intended) out of proportion! We were having a sleepover and I forgot to bring my toothbrush. As a good friend, Ashton knows how much I care about dental hygiene, so he put Crest on his peen and let me brush my teeth with it. Do you expect me to use his toothbrush? Gross again!
Seriously, if you don't admit it, it didn't happen! And here's a few pictures from last week of Ashton trolling around NYC with a lady who isn't Mila Kunis. I'm only posing these stupid pictures, because Ashton's sweater looks like one of those delicious neopolitan candies.
A promise is a promise and Mila Kunis fulfilled the one she made months ago when she said YES! to Sgt. Scott Moore's invitation to be his date to the Marine Corps Ball in Greenville, North Carolina. Sgt. Scoot Moore was actually the first Marine to ask a celebrity to his ball on YouTube. Mila could've hired unemployed actress and sort-of lookalike Minka Kelly (Minka does parties as both Leighton Meester and Mila Kunis... Check Craigslist for her rates.) to stand in for her, but she didn't. Just like her main homegirl Justin Timberlake did last week, Mila perfumed her taint, got prettied up and twirled into the ball. The press wasn't allowed inside, but HuffPo said this about Mila and Sgt. Scott's night:
Kunis reportedly had a blast at the ball with Moore, who recently returned from a seven-month stint in Afghanistan. Though no press was allowed inside the event, Marine spokesman Sgt. Scott Sasser said the couple had a good time and "it's good that [Kunis] got to come on a date with a Marine."
I have to ask the same question I asked when we talked about Justin going to the ball: DID THE HO PUT OUT? But by that I mean did Mila curse Sgt. Scott out in Russian? Because getting verbally whipped by a Russian tongue is just as good as having awkward "pull your panties to the side" sex in the backseat of a Town Car parked in front of the Marine Corps Ball.
FYI: You know this, but the picture above isn't from last night's ball. No. I'm sure Mila wore this instead.
The FBI is currently looking at those hacked pictures of ScarJo's nips and ass, and as soon as they come out of that locked room with the silk tie over the door knob, they're going to start investigating the hacking of Mila Kunis' phone too. Oh, I bet they are. There's your tax dollars jacking at work!
TMZ reported a few days ago that the same hacker who snatched ScarJo's 250 pixel titty off of her cell phone also pulled some 21st century Hackers shit on Mila's phone. But unlike ScarJo, Mila was not ready to make her nekkid cell phone picture debut and kept all of her goods off of her phone. The only semi-scandalous pictures on her phone were of Justin Timberlake and another picture of a mysterious peen. At the time, amateur detectives and hos thirsty for Timberpeen assumed he pulled his dick out of the box and made it smile for Mila Kunis. And you know me...
There are many peens that I want to meet in person and/or through a picture, but Justin's has never been one of them. If you rolled around in my laptop's cache, the words "Justin Timberlake penis picture" would not stick to your body. Surprisingly. But after I read that a Justin Timberlake dick pic is somewhere out there, dickmatization took over my body and I searched everywhere for it. I traveled through the forums of Sean Cody cum shot videos and down through the dungeons of old Jack Wrangler pictures. I came up with a lot of future fapping material (thank you, internet), but I did not come up with Justin Timberlake's dick. And now TMZ tells me it was all for nothing!
The peen portrait on Mila's phone does not belong to Justin and his down low stuff has never posed for a camera. Justin really knows that the dick on Mila's phone doesn't belong to him, because there's no scar on it from the time Brit Brit mistook it for a white cheddar Cheeto.
So if it isn't Justin's dick. Whose is it? Don't even tell me it's Macaulay Culkin's, because I'm not ready to find out where searching for "Macaulay Culkin penis" on Google will take me. (SPOILER ALERT: It took me here. And I'm done.)