Or is that the dude from Storage Wars?
Christian Bale (more like, Christian Bald) and his hair are fucking done professionally, because he shaved it all off and worked his new bald bitch look while walking through LAX with his family the other day. I don't know whether I want to buy meth from him or bid against his ass at a storage auction?
Christian looks like the kind of dude who blasts Hinder from his yellow F-150, keeps his white socks on during fuck times, calls everybody "champ" and eats beef jerky while fapping to porn. So with all that being said, yes, I'd hit it, but only if he kept his sunglasses on.
That scent of strawberry shampoo and unattainable dreams wafting into your right nostril is from Amy Adams' 80s hair commercial hair and that scent of Pierre Cardin cologne and a dried cum stain on a Little Trees wafting into your left nostril is coming from Christian Bale. Amy Adams and Christian Bale are currently in Boston to shoot David O. Russell's newest Oscar-bait movie about the Abscam operation.
I refuse to believe that Christian Bale put on a bald cap and a comb over wig to look like a sleazy stereotypical used car salesman who jacks into the glove compartment of every car he's selling and who's been kicked out of every Waffle House in the area for giving the shocker to all of their waitresses. That isn't a hairpiece on Christian's head. Christian doesn't fake shit. Christian made his scalp stop growing hair with HIS MIND, or he yelled at his follicles in the mirror until they got so scared that they stopped growing hair.
And yes, I'd hit it on the vinyl seats in the back of a Chevy Caprice. There's something about a sleaze ball who keeps his shirt and tie on during fuck times and throws his tie over his shoulder when he's about to hit it from the back.
Christian Bale continued to spread his niceness around the other day when he called up Zach Guillot, an 8-year-old boy with leukemia, and spoke to him for 8 minutes about Batman and other stuff. Zach's family recorded the conversation and put it on his Facebook page. You'll be even more impressed with this when I tell you that during this call, Christian Bale put a PA in a headlock, drop kicked a light, wrote a 9-page "we're fucking done professionally" letter to the Director of Cinematography on his current movie, growled at his mom, told his sister to eat a bowl of dicks in sign language and then served his sister an actual bowl of dicks. Is there anything Christian Bale can't do?
There was a huge campaign on Tumblr, and I think Facebook too, asking Christian Bale to visit the victims in the Aurora shooting dressed as fucking Batman! Out of all the things the victims need, seeing Batman in their hospital doorway, even if he is carrying a bouquet of carnations, is probably not one of them. Just a guess. So thankfully, when Christian Bale did an awesome thing today by visiting the victims, he left his Batman mask in the closet.
TheDenverChannel says Christian didn't want to turn this into a huge STUNT QUEEN situation, so he rode to the hospital in an ambulance to keep the media from finding out. Christian showed up to the hospital at around 2 this afternoon and spent around two and a half hours hanging out with several victims including Carey Rottman, who posted this picture with Christian on Facebook. Warner Bros. said that Christian went on his own and he wasn't there representing the studio.
Well, this was a completely amazing thing of Christian Bale to do and makes me feel all warm in the chest area, and I usually only get that feeling when my laptop overheats on my chest while I'm watching porn. I know some of us are fans of Christian's bitchy on-set meltdowns, so don't worry, I'm sure he'll be back to screaming his tonsil skin off at an assistant director by this time... Wait, what time is it? Oh yeah, he's probably back on the set and screaming "OH GOOOOOOOD FOR YOU" at an assistant director right now. A crazy with a heart, that Christian.
The Dark Knight Rises (aka Batman Takes A Viagra) premiere went down in NYC last night and cam whore turned action star Tom Hardy came out with his piece Charlotte Riley and a freshly manicured and groomed beard. Tom Hardy's beard used to look like it was harvested on (NSFW) Demi Moore's pussy, so thankfully he cut that shit on Christian Bale's razor sharp cheek bones. Don't get me wrong, I love a bushy face shrub that can exfoliate your thighs while polishing your labias, but his newly pruned beard really makes them dick sucking lips pop. Those lips are so luscious that he can practically give you a quick beej just by puckering at you from across the room.
So Christian Bale was also there last night, DUH, with his wife Sandra and so was Anne Hathaway. Let's stop at Anne for a second. Anne's Sandy Duncan ass haircut sometimes looks good and other times, like this time, it makes her look like Cesar Romero in a touring production of Peter Pan. Moving on... Also there was Marion Cotillard (as a swollen eyed swan... beware of orange eyeshadow), Cillian Murphy, the hottest bitch on the carpet Gary Oldman with his wife Alexandra, Morgan Freeman and Joseph Gordon-Levitt who recently offended pretty women by saying that pretty women aren't funny. JGL needs to get an eyeball transplant, because there's a million women who are both pretty and funny. I mean, what about the most beautiful and funniest woman on the planet Carrot Top? The audacity of some bitches.
The record for the most nerdjizz loads to hit the ceiling at the same time was broken last night when the newest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (Yes, I think of a bat boner every time I read that title) was released (Yes, I think of Batman shooting out a bat signal made of bat chowder every time I read "Dark Knight released"). What I got from the trailer is that Bane gets a vocal cord transplant with Liam Neeson and when he's done blowing up New Gotham York City and shit, he should read classic English novels on tape or narrate the next Planet Earth series. His voice is like English Breakfast for my ears. I'm also trying to get into Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but the husky voice she's putting on makes her sound like she's got a hairball stuck in her froat and she's about as mysterious as a Scooby Doo episode.
And you know, more people should say, "There's a storm coming" at the beginning of trailers, because that's not done enough. I would be so pissed if someone told me there was a storm coming and they really meant it as a metaphor. If some ho told me a storm was a coming, I'd go out and buy yet another piece of shit bodega umbrella thinking that it's going to rain when what she really is meant that a bunch of comic book villains are coming to burn our city down. Bitch, just say we're all going to die. Now is not the time for your poetic metaphors and yes, you will reimburse me for that bodega umbrella.
The Dark Knight Gets A Boner trailer played before the IMAX showings of Mission Impossible 4 this weekend and so dozens of busted and grainy bootleg copies made their way onto the Internet. Some of those bootlegs were so damn bad they looked like they were shot during an earthquake on 8MM by a junkie with the heroin shakes. Well, Warner Bros. finally got their shit together and released the full trailer today. You can put down your flaming pitchforks of outrage, because there's no Catwoman in this trailer. But there is a masquerade ball scene that I do not appreciate....
Remember in Batman Returns when that hot bitch Michelle Pfeiffer glamorously lets her sanity unravel in front of Michael Keaton while she sticks him in the side with her gun at the masquerade ball? There's a scene like that in this trailer, but instead of Anne Hathaway bringing out the insane glamour, she whispers about some 99% shit. Bitch is going on about how the rich are going to get theirs. The hell? Bitch, grab your whip and start purring and whippin' at hos. OCCUPY GLAMOUR, not WALL STREET. Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer, please deliver us from this.
And that Bane trick needs to do more "red leather, yellow leather" exercises, because I can't even pretend to know what he's saying.
With a CNN camera crew at his side and his foolery meter set somewhere in between BRAVE BITCH, STUNT QUEEN and No Fucks to Give, Christian Bale tried to visit detained human rights activist Chen Ghuangcheng. And by "tried to visit" I don't mean that Christian Bale glided in on his batwings, landed on Chen's roof and stealthily slipped in through a chimney. Christian tried to use the front door, so you already know how that went.
Christian Bale was in China to promote his movie The Flowers of War, and wanted to drop in on the 40-year-old blind activist who has been locked up in his house ever since he was released from prison last year after serving time for damaging property during a protest. As Christian and CNN walked up the road to Chen's small village, they were stopped by guards who refused to let them pass. At this point, Christian could've made the guards explode into outrage by bringing up Anne Hathaway as Catwoman and quietly snuck past them as their minds boggled inside of their heads. But Christian didn't go with tactic, and instead he asked the guards "Why can't we visit this free man?" Err. This is the point in the video game where your Xbox360 controller starts vibrating and you should run the other way.
The guards started punching at Christian's camera and he and the crew ran back to their car. The guards weren't through with them and chased them for 40 minutes. When they finally knocked those hos off their trail, Christian had a moment in the car:
"What I really wanted to do was to meet the man, shake his hand and say what an inspiration he is. I'm not brave doing this. The local people who are standing up to the authorities, who are visiting Chen and his family and getting beaten or detained, I want to support them."
There are many things you really don't mess with like a chihuahua gnawing on a bone, Tommy Girl's Scientohole gnawing on a man bone (the little troll will cut you good), Jessica Simpson gnawing on a Kandy Kake, but if there's one thing you really don't mess with it's Chinese security guards. But since Christian Bale decided that he is the one to fuck with Chinese security guards, I wish he would've went all the way by trashing some lights and calling all of them unprofessional assholes before stomping off to his trailer.
Looking like any random sorority girl going to a Halloween party in a DIY Catwoman costume she made in 10 minutes using a cat ear headband from Claire's, a Zorro mask from Ricky's, her auntie's old Wilson's Leather jumpsuit and pleather boots she bought at DSW, Anne Hathaway made the alley pussies purr out a "meh" when she hit the set of The Dark Knight Rises with Christian Bale and Gary Oldman in Downtown L.A. yesterday. If you've got a cat in heat that is keeping you up with her midnight calls for pussy dick, don't reach for the Q-tip, just show her these pictures instead. Bitch's pussy will go from hot to cold in zero seconds. This is the opposite of cat scratch fever.
We've only seen pictures of Anne in Selina Kyle drag, so I know it's unfair of me to say that her Catwoman will be about as sexy as the sight of my dog nibbling on a litter box cat cookie (Note to scat-loving zoophiles: that comment does not apply to you), but have I ever been fair? I mean, if this bitch came at you in a dark alley, the first thing you'd say would be: "Why is Batgirl meowing?"
I know Christopher Nolan is going for a Julie Newmar look, but I've always been told that when you want a Julie Newmar look, you should just get Julie Fucking Newmar herself. Even Batman can't take this sad mess seriously.
After watching Melissa Leo's acceptance speech at the Oscars last night for the third time, it seems like she practiced it for hours beforehand in front of the bathroom mirror in her hotel suite and made her assistant shine a flashlight at her in lieu of a spotlight. When Melissa looked up at the "little people" in the balcony with the same wide-eyed look I throw when there's a 9-inch peen in front of me (in my dreams), I thought Toto was going to scamper out on stage and she'd break into an acoustic version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." If those kids didn't claim that song for the finale, she would've. Laying it on thick! Seriously, Melissa is like the mobile park version of Mindy Grayson.
Before snatching the walking apparatus from a fragile and precious invalid (aka Kirk Douglas), Melissa shot the fuck word at the audience. ABC hit the 'THINK OF THE CHILDREN" button and so it was bleeped out for TV, but here's the uncensored clip below:
Kathie Lee Gifford, who is forever the epitome of grace and class, couldn't believe that Melissa would spit out such filth during her big moment. To which I say, why the fuck not! a) Sometimes our internal emotions are percolating so much that the only way to get them out is through the letters F-U-C-K. b) A fuck gets more attention than a no fuck.
Melissa apologized later backstage saying that she was so overcome with emotion: “I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Just slipped out. I was a little excited.”
Fun fact: That little quote is the exact same thing Kevin Spacey said after pulling down his fly in front of Jake Gyllenhaal backstage.
But Melissa should really apologize for wearing your memaw's favorite Easter doily table runner under your old Christmas wrapping.
Here's more of Melissa Leo's crazy ass as well as the other acting winners from last night (click here for the full list if you haven't already memorized it).