Posh, Anne Hathway, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel "Chupa" Zoe, eat your heart out. I only mean that figuratively, because hearts are fatty and full of calories and will make you fat and ew!
Jared Leto has to buy all of his underwear in the toddler section at Babies 'R Us, because he was already skinnier than Chris Brown's extra long pencil dick and now he's even skinnier. As everyone already knows, Jordan Catalano fought the hot and won when he dropped over 10 pounds and waxed his brows off to play a transgender woman with HIV in The Dallas Buyers Club. Matthew McConaughey also lost a whole lot of weight for that movie and said he did it by cutting all carbs from his daily diet. Jared, however, tells Vulture that he got Kate Moss skinny by fasting. Fasting is basically the GOOP way of saying, "I'm starving myself!" Jared said this about fasting for his art:
"Your body goes through weird stages. Sometimes it's hard to hold on to water. But for me, it's not about the most weight I can lose, it's more to represent the character. I'm focused on what it means to be a transsexual woman. Historically, people have done it for pursuit of self, to achieve a meditative state, so I'm hoping for that, and not the other things. It's not necessarily a bad thing."
I won't be surprised if one day I'm driving down the street and see Jared Leto's stomach bag trying to hitchhike its way out of town. It's going to leave his body any day now, because he keeps treating it like shit. Jared gained a bunch of chunk for that Chapter 27 movie and now he's starving himself. His stomach is confused. You know what else is probably confused? Jared's peen. Dr. Oz says that when a dude's body shrinks, his dick grows and when his body grows, his dick shrinks. Confusing your internal organs is one thing, but confusing your external organ is a crime. There's nothing sadder than a confused peen.
And since Jared's got more to tuck now (cut to Jared wrapping a Spanx condom around his bigger peen to make it skinnier), he should probably win the Oscar for Best Tuck Game.
(Pic via Terry's Diary)
It's times like this when I wish that a GIF of Rickie Vasquez giving a down-trodden trick the up and down look existed on the Internet. Because if this stumbled into the girls room at Liberty High School, Rickie would pull out an eyeliner pencil and help a dreadful-looking bitch out.
Here's Jared Leto serving up some Zombie Adrienne Barbeau realness on the New Orleans set of The Dallas Buyers Club. The Craft Service Table on that set has nothing but a bowl of air and a few strips of Anne Hathaway's dried oatmeal jerky on it, because Matthew McConaughey isn't the only one who temporarily broke up with carbs to shrink his body down to the size of a Marc Anthony. Jared also dropped around 10 pounds to play a cross dressing dude with HIV who helps Matthew's character out.
To answer the question that your brain just pooped out: yes, I'd hit it. And I think I just admitted that I'd also let Kristen Stewart stick the tip of her strap-on in, because she and a dragged up Jared Leto could be sisters.
Zac Efron's former lip gloss holder Vanessa Hudgens is looking more fucked up than usual and that could mean only one thing: It's Coachella time again! Vanessa Hudgens normally looks like the L train gargled up the worst fashions from the 90s before barfing all over her, but when April rolls around she really turns up the WTF. This year, Vanessa went hard and really earned a THIS BITCH badge of honor by trying to offend as many groups of people and pairs of eyeballs as possible. Let's go down the line....
That headdress is offending her Native American ancestors (she's like .5% Native American, okay) and 3rd graders who can make a better one using an old belt, construction paper and pigeon feathers. That Sharpie bindi is offending both cholas and Indians for obvious reasons. That peace sign is offending Chicken Cutlets since that her signature pose. And I don't know if that make-up is offending Native Americans, ThunderCats or caca streaks on chonies?
The organizers of Coochella need to be brought up on charges for being an accessory to this dumbassness.
Here's a few more pictures from over the weekend of hos doing it right (see: Ian Somerhalder hugging half of his nalgas) and bitches doing it wrong (see: pretty much everyone else). In order: a damn fool, Trouty Mouth with Horsey Mouth's niece, Johnny Hallyday, Jared Leto, Fuggie Fug with Josh Duhamel, a leftover queef bubble from 2002, Katy Perry, Ke$hit and Ian S.
Here's precious lesbian lady Jared Leto posing from the tips of his Chanel polished finger nails to the bottom of his ten thousand dollars sneakers and up to his pomade-slathered locks while thinking that he's the bright shining star of this shot. Jared is thinking that everybody else is just seeping into the background the same way the leave-in conditioner seeped into his pit bushes that morning (to keep them sparkly and fluff), but the ho is wrong!
If there's one person who can beat Jared's "maintenance worker at the Tokio Hotel" look in the glamour game it's a seasoned beauty who isn't even trying. Enter homegirl stage right.
Frosted eyeshadow in her signature shade that makes her eyes look like they've been crying out Pegasus saliva - CHECK!
Eyes that aren't even 5% dazzled by the beautiful robo nymph from Blade Runner standing to her left - CHECK!
Hair that looks like the ready-to-wear version of Dracula's double beehive - CHECK
Jared gets credit for poking holes in his tank so his nipples could breathe, but other than that, bitch didn't have a chance!
Here's more of Jared thinking he's the prettiest girl in the room with Terry Richardson at the YSL show in Paris today.
I can think of so many ways to pay tribute to Kurt Cobain (examples: don't wash your hair, cuddle with a flannel, pose in a picture with RuPaul), but posting a masturbatory imitation of him on YouTube is not one of them. But that's exactly what Jared Leto did yesterday on the 17th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. Jared wrote on his blog that years ago when they were making a movie about Kurt's life, he made an audition tape that never touched a casting director's desk. Jared chose yesterday as the perfect day for him to share his Kurt Cobain impersonation with the world!
Damn. Save it for the Liberty High School afternoon talent show, Jordan Catalano! If you get somebody to throw a compact at your head, Jared would sort of not really look like Kurt, but that voice. THAT VOICE. Jared sounds more like Ma from Ma's Roadhouse hawking a loogie into a lawn mower motor (that's actually a compliment).
Oh, and that stand-alone ATM machine receipt with random numbers scribbled on the back with a faded BIC pen that somebody slid under Jared's door this morning is actually an invoice from Courtney Love.
For two seconds there, Jared Leto was letting his natural hotness simmer and wasn't trying to ruin it by adding unnecessary spices from the fuckery jar. Well, that didn't last long, because here he is in London the other day waging another battle against his hotness.
Jared is looking like a Q-tip used for Smurfette's pap smear. WHY! WHY! WHY! You know, I'm fine with Jared's head resembling one of Mel Gibson's frustrated blue balls, but he took that shit too far by matching his hair with his shoes and luggage. And since Jared is obviously serious about his blue nowadays, his dick bush is probably the exact shade of the Blue's Clues dog's taint.
Quick Update: Oh, shit. My ass just noticed that Jared's hair is also the color of the nipple (aka headline) on every Dlisted post. Okay, I'll try to warm up to it.
For a while there, Jared Leto was in an all-out war against his own natural hotness. Jared's battle wounds of victory included his "Gay Raver Cockatoo on the Wrong E" look and his "If Susan Powter Mated with a Porcupine with a SamRo Obsession" look. But pull down your panties and Saran Wrap your monitor, because Jared has dropped his peroxide gun and raised a white flag in the form of this picture he Tweeted yesterday. VICTORY IS OURS! That ab gutter needs filling (I'll leave it at that) and when his peen takes a break you can hump on one of those arm veins.
And Jared gets extra points for wearing a skirt that looks exactly like what the sluttier girls in my high school P.E. class turned their gym sweats into.
via JL.com (Thanks Kiley)
In case you missed it, here's a purdy girl using her mastery make-up skills to transform herself into the purdiest girl of all: JARED LETO! For those of you who regularly lick your fingers and twerk your nipples to pictures of Jordan Catalano, this might throw your genitals for a loop. Or for the straight dudes out there who regularly pinch your peens to pictures of Jordan Catalano because he's THAT pretty, this might make you feel better. I don't know!
But I do know that if I was her I would be in Jared Leto drag all the time. I mean, you'd get 50% off at the Urban Decay counter, Claire Danes would hug you in public and Emo boys and girls would constantly buy you shots of Red Bull-infused beer (or whatever the fuck Emo kids drink). Wait, or maybe this girl has been Jared Leto the entire time. That would make a lot of sense, strangely enough.
When I was a freshmen in high school, I dyed my hair the color of a rusty penny and shaved everything except for a patch of curls in the front. My head looked like one of the title roles in 2 Girls, 1 Cup (hint: neither of the 2 girls). My mom took one look at it, immediately inhaled the first reaction that was sitting on her tongue and finally said, "If that's what you want to do."
So that's what I'm going to say to these pictures of Jared Leto walking around in SoHo yesterday looking like a Tokio Hotel roadie who found out the hard way that porcupines don't make good pillows. And he's doing it!
Now that Jared Leto has finally ripped the cockatoo from the top of his head, he can jump on his white wheels and ride through the city without having to worry about a flock of birds following his ass thinking they are migrating elsewhere or deal with annoying hags trying to fuck with his sexy by throwing pieces of bread at him. And even though he still dresses like a drag king doing the worst impersonation of SamRo ever, I'm glad that he's hugging his hotness again.
Anyways, here's a little more of Jared with his brother Shannon bike riding through Manhattan yesterday afternoon.