Brawls

The new Bobby Brown, Chris Brown (wait, are they related), turned himself into the police last night for allegedly smacking down an "unidentified chick." I've got a little of the Sylvia Browne power in me, so I'm going to predict that the victim's name begins with an R and ends with an ihanna. I know, my SLYCIC powers are astounding. So, Chris was booked and released on $50,000 bail shortly after turning himself in.

Even though RiRi hasn't been confirmed as the victim, the security guard at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles told the NYDN that he saw the alien princess entering the joint for treatment. She left a little while later.

A source said that Ike and Tina '09 were fighting inside the car and RiRi got out to walk the fuck home. She probably said "shut up and drive" and he wouldn't (sorry). The source went on to say, "Things got physical. He hit her, possibly more than once. She had multiple bruises." RiRi's glorious tenhead better be pristine or I will never stick a piece of Doublemint gum in my mouth again.

There's a few rumors as to why Chris busted a fist on her royal alienness. One source claims RiRi accused him of checking out whores at a party. Another source claims RiRi gave Chris the Wonky McValtrex Virus (aka herpes). I'm not sure about the herpes defense. If everyone in Hollywood slapped a ho for giving them the herp, that town would be filled with busted up, beat down skanks. Oh, wait.... It kind of is.....

I'm sure today will bring many answered questions. Chris is already practicing how to cry on cue during his apology interview to Ty Ty Banks (I pray Ty Ty gets the interview). And RiRi is already shooting a PSA for battered alien princesses.

And I am the only one who thought it was ironic that RiRi's Grammy performance was replaced by Al Green singing "Let's Stay Together"?

Chris Brown allegedly beat a bitch in a car at around 12:30 this morning and the cops are currently investigating it. The shit went down after Chris and the chick (most likely RiRi) started arguing inside the car. They both got out of the car and that's when shit got violent. Chris allegedly delivered a beat down on the woman and then left the scene when the she called the police. When they arrived, the victim was visibly busted up and said Chris was the one who laid it down on her. The cops refuse to give the chick's name. They are now looking to speak to Chris and may arrest his ass.

Chris and RiRi were supposed to appear and perform at the Grammys tonight, but it was announced that both of them canceled. They won't be performing or walking the carpet. A source told The Insider that RiRi's face is "slightly bruised."

It wasn't not funny! Why didn't RiRi retaliate by knocking that stupid cunt with her alien tenhead of wonder?!

You don't hit the Alien Princess! I hope her alien subjects from her home planet beam down on to Earth and handle this shit.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that the new Ike Turner is no longer on the run. Chris turned himself into the police tonight. There apparently was a warrant out for his arrest. Oh shit! And I just saw his Doublemint commercial during the Grammys. Pulling an Ike Turner on RiRi is not minty fresh.

May-December catfights are having the best week ever! First, there was La Dunaway vs. the chippy skank known as Hilary Duff. And now we have Etta James vs. Sasha Fierce! Diapers against divas. It is on.

When it was announced Beyonce would sing "At Last" at the presidential inauguration, I nearly turned my head inside out trying to figure out why they just didn't ask Etta instead. Etta feels the same way and bitch is bitter about it. During one of her concerts in Seattle the other night, Etta let it roar! Even Basement Baby hid under her bed in fright.

Etta told the audience, "You know, YOUR President, the one with the big ears-he ain’t my President–had that woman singing for him at his Inauguration. She’s going to get her ass whooped. How dare Beyonce sing MY song that I been singing forever. Now I’m going to sing it for y’all….”

FUCK YES! I felt like I've been dreaming of this moment ever since Beyonce got up there in that tight ass dress and sang Etta's song. Etta will beat the Sasha Fierce right out of Beyonce. And I want a hit of whatever Etta was smoking backstage.

Wait. Did she just diss Obama? Michelle Obama is going to have put all her rings on and tag in.

Below is audio of Etta's threat courtesy of YBF:

(Thanks Traci)

Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!

Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!'s Daily 10, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It's not really like taken off of the movie, it's taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down."

First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she's Faye's age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don't fuck with Faye!

And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there's another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We'll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!

I'll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.

Seen here is former French President Chirac with his pet Maltese Poodle Sumo. Sumo may seem like your regular poodle: barks at anything that moves, loves rhinestone collars against its fur, sticks its nose up at mutts... etc...etc.. Well, Sumo isn't your regular bitch. The motherfucker is certifiable! The crazy bitch reportedly went after Chirac for no reason and mauled his French ass (or face, this hasn't been confirmed)! Maybe Chirac told Sumo his butt looked fat. You know how bitchy those poodles can be.

Chirac's wife said Sumo has become crazier and crazier over the years. He's like the gay ass version of Cujo! Cujosofierce! The bitch was diagnosed "clinically depressed" and is currently on anti-depressants. She said, "The dog went for him for no apparent reason. We were already aware the animal was unpredictable and is actually being treated with pills for depression. My husband was bitten quite badly, but he is certain to make a full recovery over the coming weeks."

Maybe Sumo was sick of taking Prozac or whatever the fuck they are hiding in his Fancy Feast (you know he eats cat food, he's that elegant). Bitch just wants a damn joint and a DRANK so he can mellow the hell out.

It's obvious that Sumo and Chirac can no longer be best girlfriends. That's why I'm suggesting that Parasite Hilton adopts Sumo. The ugly whore loves dogs, right? Once he's done mauling the wonk off her face, he can go live with Jessica Simpson, then the Kardashians....and so on and so forth.... Sumo: Mauling the dumb bitches of Hollywood one bite at a time!

Thanks DK

Star Magazine claims that JLo and Skeletor are finally fighting like a normal couple by hitting each other with pots and pans. Don't you do that at home? JLo must have her slaves keep the pots and pans in her Spanx closet, because there's no way that bitch knows where the kitchen is.

Some source said the two are fighting over chicks calling Skeletor at home (his willing virgin sacrifices) and his constant teasing about JLo's post-baby fat body. JLo respond by fighting back. The source said, ""They love hard; they fight hard — and sometimes that has led to pushing and shoving. They throw things and scream and just go bananas. It's been war in their house! Marc can be really mean. He's a macho guy with a horrible temper and can say awful things."

JLo is also running to her ex Diddy for help. But Diddy probably just tells her to not disrespect the sexy. He then told her if she needs to, to fire shots, but bribe one of The Dragon Tales Twins to take the gun after.

Honestly, this is one of those "bitch, please" stories. JLo doesn't need a pot, pan or a fist to break apart Skeleton's bones. JLo's black belt ass has powers. All she would have to do is jiggle those nalgas a few times and Skeletor would be laid the fuck out. One of her ass queefs could probably send him in a coma. It's like Ren versus Stimpy. JLo's ass being Stimpy of course.

Before we get into this tragic tale of getting beat down at the Vadge concert, can we discuss the picture above. Is that mega peen or pocket gas? If it's the former, Patrick Wolf has just earned a place on my "No-No's Most Wanted" list. I can ignore his Tinkerbell fell in a dumpster look as long as the peen is major.

Okay, so if you're going to a Vadge concert, you should expect to be surrounded by shiny gayness. The gayness in the air should be so thick that you'll start to cough up glitter. That's not the case and singer (and frequent guest on my iTunes playlist) Patrick Wolf learned this the hard way.

In an interview with Electroqueer, Patrick said he was trying to get a little sugar from his boyfriend at Vadge's gun show, when he was told by security that he needs to stop that funny shit, because prudes were bitching about it. Patrick said:

"Three songs in, me and my man were kissing and there were loads of conservative straight couples around us that complained. And then the bouncers came up to me and said, 'Can you stop that? This is a family venue.' No joke...

The bouncer said, 'You know we can do this the easy way or the violent way' and I said, 'I'm staying so you do whatever you want.' And then they just grabbed both of us. We were beaten up outside Wembley, handcuffed. These guys were like football bouncers. The police came and it just went on and on and on. My man's face covered in blood. I couldn't move for like a month. I had to lie in bed on painkillers for ages. They totally twisted my arm and my legs - it was just mad.

They are currently researching the CCTV - it's just really nuts. We basically got beaten up by the police. You know it means I can't be bothered to listen to Madonna ever again - which is good because it means I have more time for better music. You live and you learn.

You get into scraps with bouncers the whole time, but that was one step up because there were like seven of them and they just wanted to have a go because they were bored. There was a lot of quite homophobic shit going down which I was really pissed about seeing - it was a Madonna concert, y'know!"

Now I have another reason to never go to a Vadge show again! The first reason is that I really don't want to take a second mortgage on my mom's house to buy a ticket. And now I've learned that if you go, you might end your night in an hospital where you have to shit in a bag because you got your ass kicked so badly. It's bad enough that I have to go caca in a bag in the comfort of my own house, but in a hospital with everyone watching? Too much.

Seriously, how is the Vadge show a family event? CPS better come knocking on your screen door if you take your kids to that shit. Who cares about the cursing and sex! It's her Gremlin-crotch that will give your children night terrors for the rest of their lives. They'll wake up screaming about the toothy clit coming to get them!

Thanks Emily

Last night, the promised epic fight between Sharon Osbourne and that fatty faced Megan went down on Crack Rock Charm School Reunion. This was the fight that landed Megan in the hospital claiming Sharon done pulled her weave out leaving bald spots. Megan also filed a police report. Vh1 didn't show the hardcore goods, because a million security officers covered the fun. I mean, how many dudes does it take to tear apart a dumb whore and an old bitch?

But what they did show was pretty awesome. Sharon sort of started it by saying Megan should get her lady parts fixed so that she can't spawn any lil' bikini-wearing whores. The truth hurts like two hard dicks going in your butt without lube. Megan fought back by telling Sharon she's only famous for managing a decrepit rock star with worm meat brains. At first, Sharon laughed it off, then she did a little cough-act and poured her cup of wine all over Megan's skeeze body. Megan looked like the dirty maxi pad she truly is. Usually I cry when people waste the booze, but this was worth it.

Megan was pretty fucking tanked, so I don't understand why she didn't open up her alki-hole and drink up all of that wine being poured on her! Don't let it fall everywhere! What kind of drunk slut is she?! If I was Megan, I would've been sucking the booze out of my weave while Sharon was punching me in the dough face. The booze is more important!

It also sounded like the audience was screaming "Jerry" instead of "Sharon." Screaming Jerry would have been more appropriate.

And the next time you get into some fight with a dumb bitch, handle it like a real charming lady and throw your choice beverage in her fat boy face! That's what Headmaster Sharon recommends!

Click here if you can't see the shit above.

Sharon Osbourne is the headmistress of Rock of Love: Charm School and she had to teach the skanks how to be classy ladies. Well, I guess all that shit flew out of the window on Saturday night, because Sharon allegedly tried to rip out Megan Hauserman's bleached weave for talking shit about Ozzy. One of the rules of Charm School must be: Thou shall get a beat down if you talk trash about my husband.

It all went down at the taping of the Charm School reunion show on Saturday night. According to TMZ, Megan told Sharon that she was only famous for managing a brain dead rock star named Ozzy Osbourne. The truth does burn. Megan's little comment must have lit the fire in Sharon's asshole, because she bounced off her seat and went after her. Sharon grabbed at Megan's back alley weave, pulling at it and scratching at her until security came in to pull the two beavers apart.

Megan went to the hospital yesterday and filed a police report. The LAPD hasn't filed charges, but said that Sharon is a suspect in a minor battery.

A reunion show on Vh1 isn't complete until a crazy lady goes after a dumb, useless skank. Sharon really should have tried to pull Megan's face a part instead, because that shit needs it. Then she could have sent Megan an invoice for fixing her dough face. Seriously, Megan pays so much attention to those Tupperware titties when she really should be working on that mug! She has the face of a little chubby boy on a day-shift stripper's body.

And after Sharon was done with Megan, she should've went after that cunt Lacey with a hot razor.

Wait. And what about Megan's mentally challenged chihuahua Lily?! I hope she didn't get hurt during the pussy fight. Yeah, she probably held Megan down for Sharon.

This shit isn't funny. Jason Momoa, the hot piece from "North Shore" and some nerd show on the SciFi Channel, got his face busted in during a bar fight in West Hollywood, CA last week.

Lisa Bonet's man was being sexy at some joint when he got into an argument with an evil doer named Dominic Bando. The fight ended with Dominic hitting Jason in his angelic face with a pint glass! Jason had to get 140 stitches and also some plastic surgery work.

That jealous bitch Dominic was charged with fucking up hotness. He faces up to seven years in the chokey. If you ask me, they should give him two life sentences and send him to the prison with the most ugly people in it as punishment for messing up beauty. There's actually a lot of hot prisoners. I've seen a few on Meet-An-Inmate.com. Don't judge!