Helena Bonham Carter

It's probably impossible to top Lindsay Lohan's complicated, multi-layer and emotionally raw performance as Elizabeth Taylor, but Helena Bonham Carter is going to try. (Note: A popped pimple on Helena Bonham Carter's ass could top Lindsay Lohan's performance.) BBC4 is doing their own Liz & Dick movie and they got  HBC to play Elizabeth Taylor and Jimmy McNulty from The Wire (born name: Dominic Gerard Fe West) to play Richard Burton.

BBC4's Burton & Taylor will only focus on the short time in 1983 when La Liz and Richard Burton starred in Private Lives together on Broadway. Liz and Dick weren't bumping nipples at the time, but they were still fighting and getting crazy backstage. HBC told the Daily Mail that she knows her face looks nothing like La Liz's face, but it's not about that and blah blah blah:

"I look nothing like her for a start but it’s about capturing the essence of them at a particular time. She was and continues to be a fascinating woman and she was a huge star. There’s no one comparable around now."

The world doesn't need another movie about Elizabeth Taylor the same way Grey Goose doesn't need another call from White Oprah begging them to let her be a taste tester, but at least Helena Bonham Carter can step away from playing a psychotic, crazy-eyed, twig-covered forest witch in ANOTHER Tim Burton movie. But really, I'd rather Helena Bonham Carter put on her witch makeup from Big Fish to play Lindsay Lohan in a BBC4 biopic about the making of Lifetime's Liz & Dick.

And more importantly, when are we going to get a biopic about the life of von Ryan from the White Diamonds commercials?!

Les Misérables doesn't come out until Christmastimes, but Universal is giving the hungry theater queens a quick Q-Tip tap in the form of this first trailer. In the trailer, Anne Hathaway coughs out a few slightly weak musical notes before we see a raggedy Hugh Jacksmen (who still looks cleaner than Brad Pitt) as the bread stealer, Russell Crowe as Javert, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Eddie Redmayne as Marius and Samantha Barks as Eponine. You know, I used to be one of those hating bitches who felt like the ghost of Donny Hathaway would make a better Fantine than Anne Hathaway, but this trailer has sort of changed my mind. Bitch isn't supposed to sound all polished and pretty. Bitch sold her hair and is wearing fingerless gloves. You would cry through the musical notes too if you looked like a Brooklyn hipster going to a backyard barbecue. Bitch is dreaming of a shower and a gift certificate to Supercuts so she can fix that busted, jagged ass haircut. It's a tragic story.

That being said, I still wished this movie starred Susan Boyle as Fantine, a bunch of stray cats as the other roles and Epponnee-Rae from Kath & Kim as Eponine.

What I mean by that is Helena Bonham Carter always shows up to the opening of WHATEVER looking like a Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 who dropped the wrong kind of acid and ended up in the bad part of Oz where a gang of junked up flying monkeys fucked her up before throwing her into a tornado of rainbow dust heading back home. I mean, HBC usually resembles a mound of taffeta getting butt fucked by a period dress from the Old Globe's costume shop. But yet, she showed up to the BAFTAs in London tonight wearing an ensemble from JcPenney's funeral matron collection. Totally normal!

Pretty sure my abuelita wore the exact same dress to every single funeral she ever went to. But my abuelita was stylish enough to pair it with beige Easy Spirits, a brown veil and a huge purse lined with paper towels (aka "her buffet visitin' purse"). Maybe Helena Bonham Carter held back, because she's saving up her energy for the Oscars in a couple of weeks. That's when she's really going to throw the fuckery down the carpet and put all those bland bitches to bed. Let's hope that's what's brewing up in her head, because I cannot accept this kind of behavior from her anymore!

So yeah, the BAFTAs were tonight and below is some of the winner's list:

Best Film: The King's Speech

Outstanding British Film: The King's Speech

Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network

Best Foreign Language Film: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3

Best Leading Actor: Colin Firth, The King's Speech

Best Leading Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Best Supporting Actor: The King's Speech, Geoffrey Rush

Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech

The full list with all the nominees is here. And here's a few pictures from that shit. In order: HBC with Tim Burton, Amy Adams, Sarah Harding, Thandie Newton, Emma Watson, a graceful swan woman, Nicholas Hoult, James McAvoy, Mark Ruffalo with his wife Sunrise, Rupert Grint, Noomi Rapace, J.K. Rowling, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Tilda Swinton, Minnie Driver, Jane Goldman, Annette Bening, Eva Green, Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Neve Campbell (making all of us feel OLD), MiserAlba (doing her best impersonation of a knocked up Natalie Portman since knocked up Natalie Portman wasn't there) and Gerard Slutler.