Out of all the cast members from Glee, I'd figure that Lea Michele would be the one to announce that she's checking herself into rehab on a Sunday night since she's always high on herself. But no, Lea's real-life and TV boyfriend Cory Monteith checked into rehab and last night he released a statement through his rep to People saying that he needs to press pause on everything else and deal with a substance addiction right now.
"Cory Monteith has voluntarily admitted himself into a treatment facility for substance addiction. He graciously asks for your respect and privacy as he takes the necessary steps towards recovery."
30-year-old Cory (I know, I didn't know he was 30 either. He's the Gabrielle Carteris of Glee) first went to rehab when he was 19 after his family staged an intervention. Cory said before that he was addicted to booze and pretty much snorted and smoked everything else. When Cory got out of rehab the first time, he went straight back to the bottle and kept drinking until he got caught stealing a bunch of money from a relative. That was the bottom under Cory's rock bottom and after that, he cleaned up, got a job as a roofer, took acting classes and now he's on Glee.
A quick minute after Cory released his statement, Lea released her own, "I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this. I am grateful and proud he made this decision."
And I don't know if Cory's going to feel weird or relieved when he's in rehab and realizes that not everybody around him is suddenly breaking into song and changing costumes. It's probably going to make him feel weird. This is why we need all-singing rehab.
The universe already has one David Bowie, and when we needed another David Bowie we were given Tilda Swinton, but we don't need anymore David Bowies. January Jones needs to know this, because almost every time she goes to an award show, she looks like she fell off the side of Bowie's home planet and plummeted through the universe before landing on Earth. January Jones went to the SAG Awards last night and showed up with a hairstyle that was NO in the front, NO in the back and NO on the sides. Just NO all the way around.
To go with her fug hair, January Jones wore an equally as fug dress. I realize that IN THIS ECONOMY you sometimes have to make a SAG Awards gown out of an old French maid costume you wore two Halloweens ago, but the end product was shit. But I will give January Jones points for wearing what looks like a sheer Dickey, because Dickeys need to make a comeback.
And January wasn't the only one with jacked up hair last night. Nicole Kidman looked like a Cocker Spaniel after a blowout, Lea Michele put the final nail in ombre hair's coffin and Alec Baldwin confirmed that the cabinet under his bathroom sink is filled with nothing but boxes of Just For Men hair dye (shade: Autumn Sunrise).
If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.
Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.
And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).
Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of
New Year's Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman's Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal). Even the quadra power beauty queen beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Sofia Vergara and Barbara Eden wasn't powerful enough to soothe the heaves coming out of a bitch when they watched Ick (aka Lea) and Nast (aka Ashton) mug it up for the cameras. Ashton, I know it's been a while since you've seen tits that aren't made of Plaster of Paris, but please calm yourself. I swear, this premiere had more empty stomachs and clean pussies than a virgin bulimia convention. Sucio all around.
Katherine needs to give 2001 Hillary Clinton her hair back, Ashton needs to give Mary Katherine Gallagher her hair back and both Fuggie and Lea just need to stop everything. There aren't enough chairs for all the bitches here who really need to have a seat in the back.
I was going to make a post asking who was the least annoying slag at last night's New Year's Eve premiere, but that's like choosing between a beej from a garbage disposal or a prostate exam from a pitchfork. Which funnily enough, is probably the sensation a ho feels when sitting through that shit bag of a movie.
A flock of pigeons out of Prince's ass carrying a dreamcatcher crashed into Phoebe Price's head, but that didn't stop the international supermodel and the hardest non-paid hustler in Hollywood from singeing the carpet fibers at the Emmys with her her charbroiling posing skills. Every year, the nominees (except for Mad Men who will still be nominated posthumously even after the show gets cremated and sprinkled into a whiskey) and host changes at the Emmys, but one thing always stays the same: Chicken Cutlets is always there to fill a bitch's seat when they're not in it and if she happens to leave a butt burp that smells like star dust and burnt bouillon on it, then they should consider themselves the real winner of the night!
I can already hear you PP haters (let's call you Incontinent-als) asking, "But Michael, it wasn't the Ho Stroll Strollers Who Don't Have A Real Job Awards, so why was PP there?!") Please do your research before you ejaculate the hate from your fingertips. I'll have you know that Chicken Cutlets played the pivotal role of "Marie - Customer with Car" in an episode of The X-Files in 1993. PP is practically TV royalty! The academy obviously knows they wronged Chicken Cutlets by not giving her an award for that groundbreaking performance, so they bring her back every year and quietly honor her in the backroom with a special ceremony (aka seat filler orientation). And PP also makes a few extra coins from handing out mints in the women's restroom during commercial breaks. The Emmys is NOTHING without her.
And here's a few pictures from last night's shit (don't worry, I'll get to the attack of Goop's gut in a second). In order: Chicken Cutlets, Kyle Richards, Chris Colfer, Christine Baranski, David Boringanus with his wife (their high school prom pose game gets an F), Elisabeth Moss, Azteca from Antz, Joel McHale with Rainn Wilson, Julia Stiles, Kelly Osbourne, Lea Michele, LL Cool J, EMMY WINNER Margo Martindale!!!!, Padma Lakshmi, Rico Rodriguez and Taraji P. Henson.
It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!
Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!
You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.
Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.
In today's "Lea Michele never left the snotty quad bitch act in high school" news, E! News says that she was in fine form at Coachella over the weekend. A witness type says that Lea was hanging out with her Glee co-stars, Chord Overstreet and Harry Shum Jr., in the VIP section when a couple of girls joined their group. Lea Michele's eyes were meant to roll and her lips were meant to smack together, so she let her natural gifts fly. This is how the witness puts it:
"Harry introduced himself to two girls as Jerry from San Luis Obispo and said he was unemployed. The girls played along even though they knew who he was. But when one girl jokingly called 'Jerry' over to sit with them later, Lea couldn't resist making fun of her... Lea started laughing and imitated her in a high-pitched voice. She was totally mocking her for no reason."
High-pitched voice? Asshole-y demeanor? Are we sure that Lea Michele wasn't mocking the girl, but just acting like her usual self? The intonations of some people's voices are naturally set to: bitch. It's just our way. I should know, every time I order anything from McDonald's (or other fine establishments) the cashier always thinks I'm bringing my best cunt forward and stomps off. I can't help it! But my palate has grown accustomed to the taste of scorned saliva, so I wouldn't have it any other way!
And yes, I actually wrote a post about a young ho mocking another young ho. I've come so far from my childhood days of writing a fictional gossip column for my junior high school newsletter (my fake columns never made it to print, by the way).
(Image via Wireimage)
Lea Michele from Glee is about as irritating as a thong made out of piano wire, but she's a 23 year old woman, so nobody should say shit if she wants to bare her chest cutlets on the cover of a magazine. But guess what? Some parents are screaming "HARLOT!" from their church pews. They say that since Lea plays a high school girl on a TV show their teen kids watch, she has a responsibility to stop posing like a ho. One parent had this to say to Fox News:
“I think Lea Michele is sending the wrong message. She plays such a ‘good girl’ on ‘Glee’ and a lot of kids look up to her persona. Then she poses very provocatively on two magazine covers which makes my almost-13-year-old son very confused and offended. I find it frustrating as a parent who is trying to teach right from wrong to their kids and then you have things like this happen which is showing middle schoolers things like sex sells and all that goes along with that.”
I hate to break it to this mom, but the contorting face her 13-year-old son made when he looked at this cover of Cosmo wasn't from him being SHOCKED, CONFUSED and OFFENDED. Dude had an unexpected visitor followed by a fucking accident, if I ain't being too subtle.
The teen child of every parent complaining about this would probably get an A++++ on Cosmo's "Sex Quiz" and gladly offer up extra credit. A "Bitch Please" to all these parents. Lea's annoying ass isn't tainting anybody's innocence.
And Fox News also thinks it was inappropriate for Lea to say that her idea of a perfect night involves drinking a glass of wine while Skype-ing with her boyfriend. Oh, please. We all know that Lea's idea of a perfect night involves slapping sleeping babies in a hospital nursery so that she can gargle with their tears of pain, so she actually cleaned it up a bit for Cosmo. Fox News needs to give Lea that at least.