Gabriel Aubry

In a court room in L.A. yesterday, a judge watched as two pretty faces slowly contorted into every layer of crazy as Gabriel Aubrey and Halle Berryberrycrazee tried to turn down their own insanity while discussing the custody of their daughter Nahla. A hearing was called last week after Nahla's nanny accused Gabriel of pushing her during an argument. Halle asked the court to temporarily take away Gabriel's visitation rights until the whole "nanny beating" thing cleared up. The judge didn't do that, but after a long ass meditation hearing, they all agreed to do the following:

- Gabriel will go to anger management classes where he'll learn that every time he feels like he wants to rage at a trick, he needs to stop, drop his panties and roll on over to the nearest webcam to give all of us a show.

- Halle will continue her own therapy sessions, or she'll be framed for Gabriel's death and will be forced to spend the rest of her life in an insane asylum with an ugly-fied Penelope Cruz in a jacked up wig.

- Halle and Gabriel will regularly meet with a third party to calmly talk about how they should raise their child. The third party will be given one of those Hunger Games suicide pills just in case their sanity can't take facing a two-headed beast of lunacy.

- 3-year-old Nahla will also go to counseling.

- Gabriel wants the nanny fired, but the judge didn't make any decisions about that.

TMZ's source (who TOTALLY doesn't have the name Halle Berry in their BlackBerry under "client") claims that Gabriel was an uncooperative cunt plug during the entire hearing and getting him to agree to the stuff above was like pulling KFed away from the snack table.

It's nice that the judge is trying to work with them and everything, but does anybody really believe that these two nut bags will calmly discuss anything without trying to gnaw each other's pretty faces off? It's always the pretty ones, right? This is why sometimes it's best to go home with the ugly bitch at the bar. Sure, sucking on a pretty face is more fun, but you'll also run the risk of waking up to them screaming about how they hear a baby forming in your gut and they're going to take you to court for custody. Just slip Halle and Gabriel in a his and hers straitjacket, throw them in padded room and let that sand shovel raise Nahla instead. I mean, Nahla is looking at it like, "Yeah, you'll make a good mom."

Here's Halle, Nahla and Olivier Martinez playing on the beach this past weekend.

For a while there, it seemed like Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry both let their crazy go dormant and slid to their corners to cool their raging assholes by feeding it a Valium enema and a marijuana suppository. But you can't keep the crazy down for long. Halle Berry will show up in a court in L.A. today to ask a judge to take away all of Gabriel Aubry's visitation rights until Child Services finishes investigating him for putting their 3-year-old daughter Nahla in danger by allegedly shoving at the nanny.

TMZ reported last night that Nahla's nanny, Alliance Kamdem (ALLIANCE!!!), filed a police report after she claims Gabriel pushed her while his daughter was in her arms. Alliance says that earlier in the day, she went to pick up Nahla from school and was told that the kid didn't go. When Alliance went to Gabriel's condo, she picked up Nahla before asking Gabriel why Nahla didn't go to school. That question summoned Gabriel's crazy and he responded by screaming "You're the fucking nanny. Who do you think you are? You are a nobody. You don't need to fucking know anything!" at Alliance. These Hollywood dudes. If they're not fucking the nanny, they're screaming fuck words at the nanny. Gabriel then shoved Alliance into the door while Nahla was still in her arms.

Alliance apparently suffered an injury and when she was questioned by the police, she told them that Gabriel is a tall drink of asshole and regularly curses at her in front of Nahla, making the kid cry. When Gabriel isn't throwing racial slurs at Alliance, he's making her sit in a corner in his condo until he's ready to deal with her.

As well as Child Services looking at Gabriel, the LAPD also opened up a criminal battery and child endangerment investigation against him.

Yes, there are two sides to every story and both of these sides are absolutely fucking ass crazy. Do I believe that Gabriel rages at the nanny? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Halle Berry has got the nanny in her pocket and is using her to fuck with Gabriel? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Nahla is going to emancipate herself as soon as she knows what that is and will quickly enter the Berry Aubry Protection Program? ¡Sí! But more importantly, do I believe that Alliance Kamdem is the hottest name for a nanny I've ever heard? ¡Síiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

File this under: You can't keep the crazy down for long.

Earlier this year, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry tried to stain each other's pristine reputations (not really) by trying to make the other sound as crazy as possible. Halle's side accused Gabriel of being a racist baby abuser and his side accused her of being a beautiful woman wrapped around a stick of bat shit. But when both sides realized that they were quickly pushing Nahla into a future of daddy issues and chewable Prozac pills, they cooled their scorned anuses on an icy cold bowl of THINK OF THE CHILD. It didn't last very long, because TMZ reports that they're fighting over Nahla again.

Halle's lawyers filed papers in court yesterday morning claiming that Gabriel has violated their child custody agreement by putting Nahla at risk again. The documents state that the red flag in Halle's head hasn't gone down and she's concerned about her daughter's safety when she's with Gabriel. Halle used an "overseas incident that put Nahal's safety in danger" as an example. The source wasn't specific so we're all left wondering what Gabriel keeps doing that makes Halle drag her lawyers to court.

You know what else I'm wondering? Whatever happened to the good old days when mad bitches kept their shit out of the courts and took it to the front yard of their houses instead? You knew your split-up parents still loved you when your daddy would come to pick you up for the weekend and you'd watch them throw plants, soil bombs and hateful words at each other. Nothing says "We still love you" like your mom snatching your overnight backpack off your shoulder before telling you to take your ass inside. Nowadays, crazy dumb whores are willing to expose themselves to harsh court lighting and wood paneling in the name of child custody. It's gross and wrong.

And does Halle's insane ass really expect me to believe that a father who nom noms on his daughter's foot funk in front of the paps would ever do anything to harm her?

Seen here wearing an old costume from a community theater production of Dracula at the Annual Costume Designers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills last night, Halle Berry is getting ready to pack up the crazy and drag her Lion King baby all the way to New York to shoot a few scenes for the movie New Year's Eve. This is the same movie that Halle dropped out of because Gabriel Aubry didn't want to travel for her job anymore. But Halle took another role in the movie after a judge ruled that she can take Nahla to NYC. Gabriel is coming too, but he's not exactly farting out bubbles of happiness over it. That's what a "source" tells Radar.

The source says that Gabriel has taken out a 2-month lease for a NYC apartment so that he can care for Nahla while Halle is on set. Gabriel is going to be making a pretty boy pouty face the entire time, because he has put his career on hold so that Halle can do this shit. The source explains, "He has put his career temporarily on ice, cancelled a couple of projects he had booked, and plans on concentrating full time on being with Nahla. The agreement at the moment is that Gabriel will be primary caregiver to Nahla during the time Halle is working, but nothing is set in stone, or agreed in writing, so we will have to just see how that goes. He really wanted Nahla to stay behind in LA with him while Halle went to New York, but she wouldn't allow that, so he is uprooting and moving there to be with her."

Slap me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Gabriel write "WORLD CLASS SUPERMODEL/sperm donor/devastatingly gorgeous man piece" under occupation on his tax forms? If that's the case, then he's obviously making a major sacrifice by temporarily moving to NYC. You know, because everybody knows that NYC is the worst place for models. Real life is like Models, Inc. All the major modeling jobs are in Los Angeles. Oh, how I miss Models Inc.

Gabriel is crazy for bitching about caring for his daughter in a fancy NYC apartment for two months. And Halle is crazy for causing this drama so that she can take a small role in the damn sequel to Valentine's Day! Crazy bitches, the both of 'em.

The "He said ('she's a jealous bitch with the middle name CRAZY'), She said ('he's a racist child abuser')" battle between Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry has been put to bed for now. It all started when Halle issued a statement saying that she didn't trust her daughter Nahla around Gabriel. Then an explosion of messy shit flew all over the place and "unnamed sources" from each side put their fightin' words on stage. But now Radar is saying Halle and Gabriel have both cooled their overheated anuses in a punch bowl full of ice cubes and have agreed to act like reasonable adults.

Another one of those unnamed sources tells Radar that Halle realized that the only mess she wants to be known for creating is Catwoman, so she will not try to get sole physical custody of Nahla and is going to try to play as nice as possible from now on. Halle and Gabriel are now speaking to each other instead putting on their "unnamed source" masks and talking to the media. The source went on to say, "Gabriel and Halle even resumed talking again last week, and it seems that Halle is going to be making it easier for Gabriel to spend time with Nahla, which has been a sticking point between the two up till now. Hopefully this is the start of the two of them being able to form some kind of workable co-parenting relationship for the sake of their daughter. Halle is determined to do whatever is best for Nahla."

This sucks for those of us who lick on messy drama like it's covered in penis veins, but this is good news for Nahla who was thisclose to getting snatched by Zazu and taken to the pride lands to be raised by some sensible hos for a change. Oh, well. At least we can always count on Mad Mel and OctoSana to keep the fuckery levels high.

Aaaand we're back to wading through this mess of insanity and fuckery again. Several sources have already branded Gabriel Aubry as the winner of Miss Aryan Nation 2010 by saying he flips his white hood whenever somebody refers to his daughter Nahla as black. If these sources are telling the truth, then I guess Gabriel's inner David Duke is raging like all hell this morning, because Halle Berry believes that Nahla is black. In case you're not keeping track of what Nahla checks as race on the Census, she's technically 25% black and 75% white.

In the March issue of Essence magazine (via TMZ), Halle gives a subtle "fuck you" to the rumors that Gabriel thinks his daughter is white by saying that Nahla is black. Halle said, "I feel she's Black. I'm Black and I'm her mother, and I believe in the one-drop theory."

The definition of the one-drop theory from Wiki:

The one-drop rule was put into law in the twentieth century, for instance in Virginia under the Racial Integrity Act of 1924 (following the passage of similar laws in numerous other states). Despite the strictures of slavery, in the antebellum years free people could have up to one-eighth to one-quarter African ancestry (depending on the state) and be considered legally white.[2] Community acceptance, carrying out community responsibilities, and appearance were often the most important factors if a person's racial status were questioned.

We can argue about the "She's black! She's white!" mess all day long. There will always be people shouting that she's white. There will always be people shouting that she's black. There will always be people shouting that she's bi-racial. And there will always be people shouting that she's full lioness (include me in this group). Whatever. Being bi-racial myself, when people ask me what I am, I just tell them I'm 100% cunt slut. It keeps things simple.

Meanwhile, Gabriel and Halle need to go back to their padded room and scratch at each other about this issue some more. Make sure you blare "Black or White" through the speakers while they do that. Because if they keep fighting about this shit, Nahla is truly going to be full fucked up.

The campaign to make Gabriel Aubry look like the official face of the KKK's line of tighty whiteys is in full swing. Gabriel has already been accused of calling Halle a racial slur and making derogatory statements about black people in the past, and now one of TMZ's sources is saying that he turns into a flaming cross of racist fire whenever anyone calls his daughter "black." Gabriel thinks that Nahla, who is 1/4 black, is a white girl and should be addressed as such. Are Mel Gibson and OctoSana co-writing this saga, because what in the name of Miss Sophia's fist is going on?

The source is saying that Gabriel would scream at Halle to ask for a retraction any time a magazine or newspaper or some kind of other media outlet referred to Nahla as being black. Gabriel would go into his "SHE'S WHITE! SHE'S WHITE!" rant before styling his locks to go with the white-loving dunce cap on his head.

Team Halle really needs to take their foot off the gas and back up a little bit. The "N" word thing went far, but now they're practically making him sound like he fell out of an Alex Haley novel. I'm not saying that I don't think it's possible for the fame whore virus in Gabriel's system to trump his David Duke gene, but Team Halle should pace themselves a bit. What's next? Photoshopped pictures of Gabriel in a KKK robe? Hopefully, they make those pictures semi-believable by making the eye holes in his hood extra-extra large. There's no way Gabriel would ever want to hide his purdy face. Because ho's vain gene beats all.

Let's recap: Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are still choking each other out in the press...while looking devastatingly gorgeous of course. Halle's side claims that Gabriel is a glass of freshly squeezed gold digging juice garnished with a stick of racial slurring and a splash of creme de la crazy. Gabriel's side claims Gothika was mostly autobiographical, because Halle's crazy is so potent that it could knock the beat wig right off of Penelope Cruz's head (damn, that shit on Penny's head was ratty). And today, there's a whole new set of wonderful allegations that will make for charming fodder between Nahla and her toddler therapist in a couple of weeks. On to it!

From People: Team Berry says that Halle got mad when Gabriel started dating amateur porn star and role model to our youth Kim Kardashian, because she didn't want a reality star in her daughter's life. Meaning Halle was afraid that the cameras that constantly follow Kim would catch her daughter and she'd end up on TV. Yes, because Nahla can sign her own releases. However, Team Aubry says that Nahla never laid eyes on the twin warthogs clinging to Kim's ass.
1 point for Team Aubry

From TMZ: One of Gabriel's ex-girlfriends has put a white cone on his head by saying that he's bi-racist and always used racial slurs against black people. Gabriel's ex, who dated him for 2 years, says he never beat her ass, but he treated women like shit.
2 points for Team Berry

From TMZ: Team Berry is going hard on this one. Sources close to Halle have added possible "child abuse allegations" to Gabriel's rap sheet by saying that Nahla always hysterically cries when he picks her up for visits. Halle constantly has a "something in the milk ain't clean" moment whenever she sees Nahla with Gabriel. Nahla seems scared of her own father and Halle thinks something wrong is going down. The child touching and/or child whoopin' seed has been planted.
1 point for Team Berry

From Radar: Because this whole disaster is the second coming of OctoSana & Mad Mel, Team Gabriel says he has recorded tapes of Halle RAGING at him in her crazy bitch voice. Team Gabriel says that since he's an upstanding moral man of integrity (served on a bed of lukewarm sarcasm noodles), he's not going to release the tapes to the media. Gabriel is saving them just in case shit gets really real REAL in their custody fight.
1 point for Team Aubry

From Radar: So much for that "no leaking" rule. Radar magically got a hold of an e-mail Halle allegedly sent to Gabriel during one of her jealous meltdowns. Halle's e-mail reads, "You were only good for one thing...Thanks for the donation." Hey, that's the same thank you note I get in the mail whenever I put a dollar in the tithing basket at my mom's Catholic church. Team Gabriel also adds that he did call Halle a "fucking bitch" when she "provoked" him, but he's never thrown a racial slur at her. In fact, Team Gabriel swears that he kept calm and quiet whenever she screamed at him on the phone.
1 point for Team Aubry

Now let's tally up the points:

Team Berry: 3 points
Team Aubry: 3 points
Team Nahla: -1,235,876,987 points

Blaming each other in the press? Check. Leaking stories that make the other ho sound like a graduate of the Teen Mom School of Parenting? Check. Ho shit? Check. Enough crazy to power Michele Bachmann's eyes for years? Check. Racial slurs? Check. It's official! We're a Jacuzzi cum shot away from getting a modeling agency remake of Octosana vs. Mad Mel starring Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry. Gabriel and Halle have both released their own statements about their ugly ass custody battle now, and now it's time for those ESCANDALOSO details to start leaking.

In this week's People cover story, a source close to Halle claims after she broke up with Gabriel, he constantly verbally abused her and called her the "N" word at least once. Gabriel's former business partner Stephane Bibeau has slid into Halle's side and says, "Once they broke up he became verbally threatening to Halle. He is a vindictive guy." This is on top of Halle's friends portraying Gabriel as a jealous crazy who shouldn't be in charge of stirring the top oil into the bath scrub, let alone taking care of a human child.

A different source echoes this mess to TMZ. Gabriel not only attacked Halle with fighting words in person, but he also sent her text messages that started with, "You fucking bitch...." TMZ also interviewed one of Gabriel's ex-pieces who says that he's always been gold digging, man whoring, piece of shit.

Meanwhile, one of Gabriel's friends still stand by their story that he's a devoted father and Halle's the real insane ragemonster in that family.

Santo dios. This is messier than Halle's scalp after shooting B*A*P*S. There's a good chance Halle is trying to smear Gabriel's purdy face with shit covered lies. Just like there's a good chance Gabriel is trying to do the same thing to Halle. We might not agree on that theory, but it's safe to say that we do agree that both of these bitches are crazy as all hell!

I knew Halle had a tinge of insanity in her when she talked about the time she tried to commit suicide by sitting in a running car in her garage. I didn't think she was crazy because she thought of suicide at a low point in her life. No. I thought she was crazy, because she says she put her dogs in the car too! This isn't Jonestown! You don't need to take your dogs down with you. Damn. "You know All Dog's Go To Heaven is just a movie, right?" - Halle's dogs while sitting in the car with her

At this point, Nahla would really be better off being raised by a mandrill and a hornbill. Halle and Gabriel are both beautiful on the inside, but they're also both a bright shade of NUTS on the inside.

The surprisingly nasty custody battle royale between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry just got another statement added to its file. Gabriel has responded to Halle's claims that she's concerned about leaving their daughter Nahla with him alone. Halle made it sound like Gabriel is brushing his golden locks with a silver comb in a mother of pearl mirror while Nahla is chewing on the strange plastic toy Kim Kardashian left at his house. Or something. But Gabriel wants you to know that Halle must be me morphing back into her Jungle Fever crack whore character, because she is spewing lies and he's a loving father who would never hurt his child. Gabriel's rep said that he's not going to air his shit out to the press, and then he kept talking. The statement from Access Hollywood.

"While Gabriel is disappointed in Halle's decision to falsely malign him publicly and for her own purposes, he refuses to be pulled into her dispute over a canceled film production. Gabriel also refuses to air their issues in the press as he believes this may ultimately harm their daughter. The fact is that Gabriel is a caring father who shares custody of Nahla.

Gabriel fully believes that a consistent and balanced living situation and two loving parents are crucial for their child even if Ms. Berry feels otherwise. He will always defend his rights as a father and will always consider Nahla's best interest. Halle's continuing allegations in the press are untrue and irresponsible."

I really have nothing more to add. But mostly because my ass is pressed against that picture on my monitor and it's getting really hard to type upside down.