Tracy Morgan's tour of a thousand apologies pedaled into Nashville, Tennessee today, where IT ALL BEGAN! Tracy held a press conference with GLAAD and Kevin Rogers, the man who started it all when he Facebooked about Tracy's "GO BUTT FUCK YOUR BULLIED TEARS, GAYS, " rant.
Tracy started the week by meeting with homeless gay teens in NYC and now he's come full circle by apologizing to the gay and lesbian community in Nashville. At this rate, it won't be long before Tracy is PFlag co-president with Debbie and is waving the rainbow flag as the grand marshal of every city's gay pride parade. This is what Tracy said at today's press conference.
The first thing I want to say is that I apologize to Kevin and people that were at the show for bumming them out. I want to apologize to my friends and my family and my fans and everyone in every community who were offended with this. I didn't mean it. I don’t have a hateful bone in my body. I don’t believe that anyone should be bullied or just made to feel bad about who they are. I totally feel that, in my heart, I really don’t care who you love, same-sex or not, as long as you have the ability to love. So now, at this point in my life, it's an opportunity to make a difference, I don't really see gay or straight, I just see human beings now. I pride myself on 20 years, 18 years of standup, of using it to heal people and not hurt. That was my whole thing. And I hurt people with this. So, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize to everyone who I offended with my words on stage, in Nashville and everywhere else. I want to take this opportunity, to err is human, to forgive is divine. Thank you Kevin, thank you everybody, for your support. I just want to take this opportunity to help and not hurt.
Both GLAAD and Kevin Rogers accepted Tracy's apology and they all hugged it out before making each other friendship bracelets. Here's a clip.
Tracy and Kevin practically wore matching shirts too. If I put on a windbreaker, slide on a shower curtain ring like it's a cock ring and squint while humming the melody to "Red River Valley," I can practically see the new cast of the Planes, Trains and Automobiles remake. Tracy and Kevin will be in a buddy comedy together, trust this.
Well, that's that. The Roger Ebert vs. Bam Margera Twitter war has shot its last character, the Tracy Morgan vs. the gays feud is over and now let's hope that the battle between my bowels and Kahlua martinis comes to an end soon, because that shit needs to stop (literally).
On Friday, GLAAD told Tracy Morgan the same thing my 1st grade classmate told me after I apologized to him for accidentally going diarrhea on his paper folder (true long story): "I do not accept your apology." So Tracy Morgan has taken his apology tour to Global Grind and told Russell Simmons that he wants to reach out to the gay and lesbian community and make this right. Tracy claims that fear of getting kicked to the curb by the NBC peacock has nothing to do with why he's trying to bear hug the rainbow flag right now. Tracy also said that if his son told him he was gay, he wouldn't cover his body with stab wounds, he'd cover it with hugs. How to lay it on thick: Tracy is doing it right.
"I guess the reason I am successful is because I am so unfiltered. And sometimes as a result I say really stupid shit. The truth is if I had a gay son, I would love him just as much as if he was straight ... I might have to try to love even more because I know of the difficulty that he would have in society.
Of all the sicknesses, there is probably none more abusive than homophobia. My heart is committed to giving everyone the same rights that I deserve for myself. I don't care if you love the same sex as long as you have the ability to love someone. Also, you should have the right no matter who you are to protect and serve our country. I am deeply sorry for the comments I made. What I am most sad about is the comments I made about kids and bullying. I would never want any young person to think that I wasn't on their side and if any young person thinks they can bully a young gay kid, come see me at 30 Rock. On the corner, I would be happy to meet you. Or Brooklyn if you can't make it into Manhattan.
When all of this set in, I realized how hurtful my words were. Not asking anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me, but I definitely don't want or need people to defend me. In my heart, I know that the words I used are indefensible. I appreciate the love from my friends and fans, but I was wrong. Period. Now, I just gotta think of some funny shit, not some shit that gets me knocked upside my head."
Tracy also said that he wants to meet with bullied gays and speak at a gay marriage rally. Really. This is like if I became treasurer of The Katherine Heigl fan club and applied to the outdoor pizza oven cleaner at GOOP's home offices. Tracy is spinning his head so fast the other way that he can put Willow Smith out of business. Now, I don't necessarily believes the people who are saying that Tracy spoke from his heart the first time and is now speaking from his publicist. But I do believe ho needs to calm down with all the apologies and check into rehab for whatever like a normal celebrity does!
And to my former 1st grade classmate, I really am sorry for stamping your paper folder with a D (for diarrhea) minus. I have since learned that gambling is not for me and I have not done this again...in the past 72 hours.
Alec Baldwin has already responded to Tracy Morgan's fire-breathing sermon against gays with a Tweet shrug and now Tina Fey and the head of NBC issued their own statements since some people were wondering What Would Liz Lemon Do?
The head of NBC said that he was happy Tracy apologized and that they don't agree with hate or violence towards anybody (except Conan O'Brien). Since the NBC peacock is as gay as the NBC peacock, he went on to say that both the network and 30 Rock accept everybody (except Conan O'Brien) so Tracy's comments were against what they believe in.
As for Tina, she put it like this:
“I’m glad to hear that Tracy apologized for his comments. Stand-up comics may have the right to ‘work out’ their material in its ugliest and rawest form in front of an audience, but the violent imagery of Tracy’s rant was disturbing to me at a time when homophobic hate crimes continue to be a life-threatening issue for the GLBT Community. It also doesn’t line up with the Tracy Morgan I know, who is not a hateful man and is generally much too sleepy and self-centered to ever hurt another person.
I hope for his sake that Tracy’s apology will be accepted as sincere by his gay and lesbian coworkers at 30 Rock, without whom Tracy would not have lines to say, clothes to wear, sets to stand on, scene partners to act with, or a printed-out paycheck from accounting to put in his pocket. The other producers and I pride ourselves on 30 Rock being a diverse, safe, and fair workplace.”
Tina Fey should know that one of my shittiest ex-boyfriends slept 12 hours a day and always sat on the side of the table that faced the giant mirror in the dining room at Mimi's Cafe, so sleepy selfish dick bags can be hateful too. But what I'm getting from Tina's statement is that on the next season of 30 Rock, Tracy Jordan will become color blind which will lead him to only wearing rainbow colored clothing. Then Tracy Jordan's son Tracy Jr. will come out to him at around the same time he develops a Tourettes-like tick that forces him to stab his daddy in the knee with a rusty shank repeatedly throughout the day. Either that or she's saying that bitch better get right or he'll be lucky if he gets a job as Mel Gibson's understudy at the Westboro Baptist Dinner Theater.
And I just realized that typing "dining room at Mimi's cafe" was ridiculous. Like that shit was some fine dining.
After Tracy Morgan's anti-born this way anthem made its way around the Internet, part of me thought that he would tell everyone to get fucked and the other part of me figured that his publicist would put a filter over his mouth and force him to the front of the stage to apologize. Seems like the latter won out, because here's the statement Tracy issued to the New York Times this morning.
"I want to apologize to my fans and the gay & lesbian community for my choice of words at my recent stand-up act in Nashville. I’m not a hateful person and don’t condone any kind of violence against others. While I am an equal opportunity jokester, and my friends know what is in my heart, even in a comedy club this clearly went too far and was not funny in any context.”
Does this mean that the Westboro Baptist Church is going to take back their invitation for Tracy Morgan to become their official mascot? (Wait, do they hate black straight people too?)
Tina Fey said that her daughter writes a lot of Tracy Jordan's lines in 30 Rock. It's become clear that the only solution to this mess is that from now Tina Fey's daughter should write ALL of Tracy Morgan's words.
In this post, the role of me will be played by Brian Fellow and the role of Tracy Morgan will be played by a winking mink. Because we all know a winking mink is sneaky, can't be trusted and is a master at insulting you.
Last Saturday, Kevin Rogers went to one of Tracy Morgan's shows in Nashville, Tennessee and left with his ear holes stuffed with homophobia swirled with disappointment. Kevin wrote on his Facebook page that night about how Tracy's regular jokes about pussy, cum, dicks, gays and other good shit quickly turned into a dark alley where he went hard at gay people for saying we were #bornthisway. And if Tracy Morgan's son is gay, dude might want to replace the knives and shanks in their house with soft dildos and plushie swords, because Tracy Jordan reportedly joked that he would stab his kin for whining like a flailing sissy boy about being gay. Kevin put it like this:
"I have very thick skin when it comes to humor; I can dish and I can take. What I can't take is when Mr. Morgan took it upon himself to mention about how he feels all this gay shit was crazy and that women are a gift from God and that "Born this Way" is bullshit, gay is a choice, and the reason he knows this is exactly because "God don't make no mistakes" (referring to God not making someone gay cause that would be a mistake). He said that there is no way a woman could love and have sexual desire for another woman, that's just a woman pretending because she hates a fucking man. He took time to visit the bullshit of this bullying stuff and informed us that the gays needed to quit being pussies and not be whining about something as insignificant as bullying.
He mentioned that gay was something kids learn from the media and programming, and that bullied kids should just bust some ass and beat those other little fuckers that bully them, not whine about it. He said if his son that was gay he better come home and talk to him like a man and not [he mimicked a gay, high pitched voice] or he would pull out a knife and stab that little N (one word I refuse to use) to death. He mentioned that Barack Obama needed to man up and quit being all down with this just because he has a wife and two daughters. All of this being followed by thunderous cheer and 'You go Tracys'. Tracy then said he didn't fucking care if he pissed off some gays, because if they can take a fucking dick up their ass... they can take a fucking joke."
Kevin went on to write that Tracy's entire face changed from jokey to serious when he started his rant on gays. Kevin stayed, but apparently a dozen or so people quit that bitch.
So far, I couldn't find any video of this mess, but Tracy's rep didn't deny it when asked for comment. She only said there will be no comment. Instinct also brings up the time Tracy walked out of Carnegie Hall when he said that when life hands you a sexual orientation form, you have the choice to check the box for straight or you can check the box for gay.
Some people have been trying to tell me that Tracy Morgan is a bloated bag of crusty assholes who shoots loads of homophobia out of his mouth hole as often as he shoots fertile sperm at an ovary, but I've always asked them to show me the receipts! I guess this is the receipt.
You know, the whole "being gay is a choice" shit doesn't even bother me anymore. Trying to argue with that point is like trying to blow air into a balloon that's already full of hot air. We're going to go nowhere. But this is still like finding out that my favorite uncle who always makes me laugh by farting into his beer bottle (true story) thinks my gay soul will be buried in hell. Yeah, finding that out sucks, because I really wanted him to do that beer bottle fart trick at my gay wedding.
If you ask Tracy Morgan if he'd rather Tina Fey or Sarah Palin, you just know some Family Shield shit is going to come diving out of his mouth. But when TNT's Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley asked Tracy that weird question during the Knicks-Heat game last night, his answer wasn't that bad. TNT still apologized for it. I won't give away Tracy's answer in case you haven't seen it, but if someone said that about me, I'd stitch that quote into all my clothes like Laverne, add it to my tombstone and probably ask the court to legally change my first name to it. The white dude in the clip knows what I'm talking about (no, he doesn't).
via USA Today