Nicki Minaj

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, "Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?" And that's because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids' favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I'm sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here's some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell's favorite couple, Hell's second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber's former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should've kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!

While wearing Barbie's Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi's lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could've done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi's reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:

Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah's reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley -- Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful -- completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.

To me, sometimes it looks like she's really singing and other times it looks like she's yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It's only American Idol, bitch isn't coming back next season and I'm sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn's anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.

Here's the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night's season finale party.

Even though there's comparison picture after comparison picture after comparison video of Nick Minaj's pre-fame and current face, she tells Extra that a plastic surgeon's scalpel has never touched her mug and you can go ahead and slap a certified organic sticker on her forehead. While whoring out her new shade of lip paint for MAC, Nicki said that she's sick of hos saying that she's had her nose chopped and cinched, because she hasn't. Nicki told those hos to educate themselves by watching an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.

”I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup.”

Let me fix that for you, Icky Mirage. "I've had surgery on my face, ass, eyeballs, teeth, tongue, hair, ear lobes, fingernails, saliva, belly button and all the other parts that are listed on the human anatomy page on Wikipedia . Yes, yes, yes, look at RuPaul's Drag Race and you'll see that those done up queens look three thousand percent more natural than me on any given night of the week. When people see my pinched nose, they think all types of crazy things and they're right! It's plastic!"

Much better!

Nicki must've contoured the shit out of her plastic surgery denial, because I almost believed it for a second.

The highlight from last night's season premiere of American Idol was Mimi's response to Nicki Minaj calling her a bitch under her breath (see: above) and the most beautiful sound I heard was the fart some dude pooted out during his audition. You'd think that a farting dude and a shade-throwing Mimi would take Idol's ratings up, up and away, but it didn't. 17. 9 million people turned on their TVs to watch Mimi and a Furby in a wig go at it. 18 million pairs of eyeballs is a lot of pairs of eyeballs, but Idol still down 19 percent from last season. It was the lowest-rated season opener since its first season opener in 2002. Mimi would care about this, but she's too busy sipping liquefied money out of a diamond-encrusted platinum straw.

Deadline says that Idol won the night, but it won't win the week. That title will go to your memaw's favorite show NCIS. Almost 23 million people put their eyeballs on this week's episode of NCIS. This is the first time Idol wasn't the #1 show during its premiere week.

Because I like to torture myself, I watched all 2 hours of American Idol last night LIVE and besides the farting chanteuse (farteuse?), I couldn't tell you about one trick who auditioned last night. I don't remember one bitch's singing voice, but I do remember every roll Nicki's eyes did whenever Mimi opened up her mouth to talk about Mimi. Bitches were throwing the same catty looks that John Travolta and Tommy Girl throw during the Mr. Scientology Pageant. That shit isn't a singing competition anymore. It's not even a sad story competition anymore. It's a shade-throwing competition now. In other words, I LOVE IT!

But who's not loving it is Ryan Seacrest. Fox laid off Ryan's full-time anal bleacher so that they could afford Mimi's salary and look what it got them. NOTHING!

(Pic via Tumblr)

Starting next week, American Idol is trying it again and we'll all get to see the scripted drama between Mimi and Nicki Minaj play out as Ryan Gaycrest cries over what he's become into a custom-made silicone mold of Simon Cowell's tits. To promote the #1 scripted telenovela on network TV, Mimi did an interview with her VERY good friend (so says Babawaawaawwa a million times over) Barbara Walters and of course the subject of her bitch brawl with the Fraggle Rock refugee came up. Skip to the 3 minute mark to see these freshly polished diamonds provided by Mimi and Barbara:

1. Barbara saying "I'm quick to check a bitch if she is out of line" when talking about a song Nicki Minaj did about American Idol. That line is totally going to be the title for Barbara Walter's upcoming tell-all about what it's like working with Elisabeth Hasselcrack.

2. When Barbara asks Mimi if she's the bitch Nicki is singing about, the not-so-cowardly lioness gently yanks a bitch's wig by responding with, "I didn't know she sang. I thought she rapped, or whatever." YAASSS! That is Mimi's second greatest act of sheer bitchery behind her classic "Que Es A JLo?" moment.

3. Mimi calling American Idol a "classic, classy show." Mimi is spot-on with that description, but AI's title as the classiest show on television is all thanks to Rhonetta.

You know what's REALLY classic? This shade throwing moment from Mimi. Add it to the pile.

(Thanks, Kevin) 

Here's the #1 reason for why Steve Nicks should've been an American Idol judge this season. Stevie Nicks was once a mentor on that shit show, so The Daily (via Gawker) asked her what she thinks about the bitch brawl between Mimi and Nicki Minaj. Mimi might be scared that Nicki is going to bust a hot pink bullet into her cowardly lion weave, but Stevie Nicks isn't scared of Nicki at all. Stevie would be making dresses out of dyed black sheets in prison if Nicki came at her like that.

"How dare this little girl...If I had been Mariah I would have walked over to Nicki and strangled her to death right there. I would have killed her in front of all those people and had to go to jail for it.

You really don't mess with a crazy witch whose last "fuck" was eaten away by cocaine a long time ago.   If American Idol is still using mentors, they should get Stevie, Dionne Warwick and Aretha Franklin to do it. Then they should gather those three in a room, throw Nicki Minaj in there, lock the door and tell the children to cover their ears, because it's not going to be pretty.

It's a damn shame that Stevie Nicks never had any children, because she'd make an amazing abuelita.

"Daaaaaaahling, that bleak Fraggle wants to shoot me up..." is what Mimi cooed into her ivory princess telephone while talking to Barbara Walters this morning and Barbara Walters repeated it on The View. American Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe denied away to TMZ that Nicki Minaj threatened to put a bullet in Mimi after their tussle of words during judging, but Mimi told Barbara that rumor is true.

Mimi told Barbara that several Idol crew members told her that seconds after the fight, Nicki said, "If I had a gun, I would shoot this bitch," while walking off set. Mimi doesn't feel comfortable emotionally or physically, so she's commissioned a bedazzled bullet-proof vest, is having bullet-stopping weave tracks put in and has hired more bodyguards. Okay, only the last part is true. According to Mimi, after the fight, Nicki hugged her, said she loved her and said they'd probably fight again. Mimi told Nicki that they will not be fighting again, but the butterfly unicornie princess better brace herself, because they will be fighting again.

Nicki is losing her mind all over her Twatter and is going after Mimi, Barbara and everybody else. Bitch is furiously stabbing at her laptop keys and is only stopping to tase a Hello Kitty doll and munch on a lamb burger. Here's just a few of Nicki's insane tweets:

Ironically no camera or mic heard the gun comment tho. Lol @ the struggle. Not even the producers believed u. Say no to violence barbz.

Barbara walters didn't reach out from our team barbz. I guess we're too dangerous. Don't shake if u don't wannA get shook!!!! LmAooooooooooo

I don't call tmz n Barbara Walters cuz I stand on my own two feet. Never needed an army. God is good. Insecurity is as cruel as the grave.

I guess it hurts 2 have the producers tell u to ur face that nicki is the best judge we've had since simon. Awww, poor u. Keep them lies cmn

I thought we resolved it yesterday but I see u want ur pity party to continue. So I'm bout to po dot tea.

All I do is compliment u. That's not enuff? Ur a legend, cheer up. U don't have to run down ur resume or feel intimidated. Shady McGrady...

Mimi is a shady drama queen for getting a lispy ole' lady to do her dirty work and Nicki is a shady piece of trash for thinking this is some Biggie vs. Tupac shit. Nicki is just barking just to bark. But stunt or not, I still want to hear the voicemail Nigel left Simon Cowell of him sloppily jacking off to all the attention American Idol is getting.

Some thought that Keith Urban was going to throw himself off the wagon and dive directly into a mountain of mind-numbing cocaine after he was literally caught in the middle of a diva bitch brawl between a Muppet thug in a curdled Strawberry Quik wig and the butterfly queen of the lambs in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday. But at last night's New York Film Festival premiere of his wife's movie The Paperboy (aka Golden Shower Fun Times with Zac & Nicole), Keith told Extra that he loved it when the Trinidadian chihuahua barked at the Long Island cocker spaniel. Keith loves passionate (read: ridiculous) artists (see: bitches) who openly express themselves (see: act like pieces of trash), because it makes him feel alive (see: laughs so hard his hair curtain becomes a side part) and it makes things very exciting (see: it gives him the wet shits and he was constipated for days before that). I'll let Keef tell it to you in his own words:

“I love it, I gotta say, look I love working with passionate people. I love artists. Everyone just sort of expressing themselves. It’s a very alive and very invigorating work environment. A lot of passion. Randy is the craziest, so you know I’m predictable.”

What Keith is saying is that in high school he was that bitch in the second row (tip: When watching a high school fight, always stand in the second row in case a rogue fist comes flying into the crowd.) screaming "Whoop that frock tart!" ("Frock tart" is Kiwi talk for "trick.") I can totally understand why watching Nicki Minaj go full Turrets on a bitch makes Keith happy. Because when he goes home at night, he eats dinner across from a Botoxed iceberg who has the emotional range of the dead AAA batteries your mom has kept in the freezer for years. So it's like Christmas times for Keith every time someone raises their voice above a frozen whisper. If you ever want to see Keith poop out an orgasm, yell at him hard!

Here's more of Keith and Nicole looking like a bizarro world Ellen & Portia at last night's The Paperboy premiere. Obviously, the key to Keith and Nicole's marriage lasting so long has everything to do with them sleeping separately. He sleeps in a tanning bed and she sleeps in an oxygen chamber/coffin.

Keith Urban's got wig burns all over his face today and it's all because he was in the middle of two diva bitches dragging each other back and forth. The producers of American Idol have finally figured out that we don't want to see a bunch of fresh-faced, sappy ass kids sing some dumb Carrie Underwood song in between crying about how hard their life has been. We want to see WEAVES FLYING, which is sort of what happened during auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina today.

TMZ got a hold of a video of Nicki making Hello Kitty her #1 enemy by cursing Mimi out as Keith Urban contemplated whether or not he should just throw himself out that window behind him. The producers had to press the stop button for the day after the toilet baby of Effie from the Hunger Games and Trash Heap nearly punched the rainbows out of the queen of the lambs. I speak fluent cunt, so this is what I heard in that video:

Nicki: “And if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it. I told them I’m not fucking putting up with your fucking highness over there.”

Mimi: “Oh why, why do I have a three year old sitting around me?”

Nicki “I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and have you run down your resume everyday.”

Mimi: “I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.”

Nicki: “Go see them now, go. You’re boring as shit!”

Apparently, after this, Nicki threatened to knock Mimi out. If this is some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for finally giving us a show. If this isn't some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for fully knowing that putting those two egos together would end with them scalping each other with their acrylic claws.

Mimi responded to this mess on Twitter with a simple: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 

And I'm responding to this mess right here with a simple: YAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!

UPDATE: And here's TMZ's transcript of this beautiful wreck:

Nicki: Get this shit in self control. Get in control. Get in control.
Randy: Settle down, settle down
Nicki: Don't lose your head. Don't lose your head (inaudible). Don't tell me I'm a gangster.
Nicki: (inaudible) every 5 minutes. So every time you patronize me, I'm-ma take it back, and if you've got a fucking problem, handle it.
Nicki: I told them I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fucking highness over there. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out.
Nicki: I'm not gonna sit here every fucking minute to have you come down and harass me every minute everyday.

No, this isn't a still from The Wuzzles reunion special. This is Mimi, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacrest, Nicki Minaj and Randy Jackson on the first day of filming American Idol season 3,987 in NYC over the weekend. FOX confirmed Nicki and Keith as judges and shrugged their shoulders in a "sure, why not?" kind of way when Randy Jackson sneakily rolled in on his own chair and pushed himself into this picture, because what else is he going to do?

TMZ says that a quick second into judging, it became clear that Mimi hates Nicki and Nicki hates Mimi. When the producers told Mimi a while ago that they were adding a screaming acid wig with butt implants to the judges table, she hung up the phone on their faces. So it's no surprise that several times when Nicki opened up her raver hyena mouth to judge one of the contestants, Mimi tried to shut her talk hole up by loudly talking over her. Proving that it's not easy to shut up a screeching trick who sounds like a chipmunk getting strangled during a seizure, Nicki drowned Mimi out by talking louder. During Mimi and Nick's diva bitch off, Keith Urban quietly cut off his luscious hair and calmly braided it into a long noose so he could hang himself from the boom mic.

Mimi and Nicki need to get over themselves, because neither of them is the true diva bitch of that set. Wait until they witness the dramatic cunt queen hissy fit Ryan Gaycrest will have when he walks into his dressing room and catches Keith Urban playing with his favorite highlighting cap.