Clint Eastwood

Seen above doing an impersonation of Jackie Stallone looking at the stars or Homer Simpson trying to bite at a donut on a string, Clint Eastwood's wife Dina Eastwood has checked into a rehab facility in Arizona to deal a severe case of the sads and a severe case of the worries. This is just further proof that doing a reality show will screw with your brains and emotions.

TMZ says that the star of E!'s Mrs. Eastwood & Company is in rehab to get treated for depression and anxiety, and she doesn't have any issues with drugs or booze. Clint's rep had nothing to say about this.

Clint's rep doesn't need to say anything, because everyone knows what's really going on. Walking in on Clint canoodling, humping and having intimate conversations with his empty chair finally drove Dina Eastwood to the edge. It's hard enough dealing with the wooden whore who is ruining your marriage, but it's extra hard when you have to sit on that wooden whore to eat dinner at the table every night.

Here's Clint and Dina at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Gala in 2009.

Because Beyonce is a highly-talented and skilled thespian whose daddy did her wrong by not buying her an Oscar for delivering the line "I'll show you crazy!" in Obsessed, Clint Eastwood cast her in the 10 millionth remake of A Star Is Born. They were supposed to start shooting several centuries ago, but because Beyonce got busy with feeding liquid gold to the chosen one and Clint Eastwood was too busy fighting with chairs, that mess never went into pre-production. And now, Beyonce is exiting stage left and she's blaming it on "scheduling conflicts." Yeah, that's just a publicist's way of saying that Beyonce doesn't want to have to get crazy on some pepaw ass when Clint starts dissing her man, Obama, on set. That's a shame, because I really want to see Invisible Obama get up out of his chair when Beyonce and Clint start fighting about him.

Variety says that even though this remake is turning about to be a disaster, Clint still wants to make it and now he wants to cast jazz singer and Belieber enemy, Esperanza Spalding, in the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. Clint can't even make an offer to Esperanza until they cast the male lead and every actor in Hollywood is running from that role like it's some stank puss. Christian Bale turned it down. Leonardo DiCatchAHo shook his head no to it. And even Tommy Girl, who LOVES musicals, doesn't want any part of it. Clint is trying to get Bradley Cooper, but so far, nothing.

Screw Beyonce and screw Bradley Cooper! Clint doesn't need them. Clint Eastwood should show them all by casting himself in the Kris Kristofferson role and a chair with a wig on it in the Babs role. A wig-wearing chair has more acting talent than Beyonce, anyway.

The first part of Clint Eastwood's interview with Extra's Jerry Penacoli is nothing but Jeff drooling all over Clint, licking up that drool and then drooling all over him again. I kept waiting to see a large wave of barf splash into Clint and Jerry's faces, because the crew couldn't take the grossness anymore. Seriously, Jerry should've just pulled down Clint's nappy and giving him a handy right there. It would've been less obvious.

But anyway, if you skip to the 1:48 mark, Jerry finally stops worshiping at Clint's feet and asks him about the amazing invisible chair act at the Republican National Convention. Clint said that Mitt Romney's people asked him to speak and so he did. And this priceless jewel also fell out of Clint's mouth:

"If someone's dumb enough to ask you to go to a political convention and say something, they're going to have to take what they can get."

That might look like he just slapped the sparkle out of Mitt Romney's teeth, but Clint then goes on to say that the country is messy, messy right now and he hopes Mitt can turn things and around and blah blah blah blah boringpoliticsstuff blah blah blah blah... Clint then says that one time when he spoke at a friend's funeral, he talked to "mythical" people sitting on an empty stool.

So talking to people made of air sitting on a stool is Clint's thing! And talking to people made of air is Amanda Bynes' thing too. I always knew that Amanda Bynes was Clint Eastwood's spirit animal and vice versa.

The ten millionth remake of A Star is Born is turning out to be an idea as good as butt fucking a popsicle in the middle of August. It's going to have the same outcome too. Clint Eastwood has already signed on to direct and Beyonce is going to take the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role, and now Tommy Girl is in talks to play the has-been rock star. Yup, this is going to be a puddle of shit, sugar water and ice cold regrets.

Deadline says that Tommy and Clint have had several conversations about him taking the lead opposite Beyonce. Once the pillow baby-inflected velcro burns on Beyonce's belly heal, she'll be ready to start making Razzie history. Beyonce could be ready as soon as June, but Tommy's plate is full with two other movies. Clint has also considered Will Smith, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCatchaHo, Russell Crowe and Eminem (???).

Tommy and Beyonce has to be the weirdest pairing since toothpaste and blowjobs. Beyonce's lacefront emotes more raw emotion on a movie screen than she does and Tommy as her lovah is just a whole new level of awkward. I bet Tommy only wants to do this shit, because he really wants Beyonce to teach him the Single Ladies dance. Tommy, it ain't worth it. Sashay away from this mess and take your black catsuit with you.

File this under: THE BEST SHIT I'VE HEARD ALL YEAR (Note: I'd say this even if it wasn't 3 days into a new year.) AND I'M NOT EVEN CAUGHT IN A K-HOLE.

Contact Music (aka the authority on truth when it comes to Clint Eastwood and squirrels news) says that Clint Eastwood has a best friend in the world and that best friend is a squirrel named Lola who lives near his office on the Warner Bros. lot. Lola is lucky as all shit that she made a house near Clint Eastwood's office instead of Richard Gere's office, because this would be a whole other kind of post if the latter happened. Instead of staring into Clint's squinting mound of wrinkles known as his face, bitch would be staring into Richard's squinting mound of wrinkles known as his gerbil eater!!!!

The source says that Clint leaves his office door open for Lola and the two have shared many beautiful moments together. The source went on, "Clint leaves the front door open whenever he's inside working so Lola can come and go. He gets a kick out of watching her and always keeps a bag of shelled peanuts on the bottom shelf of a bookcase in case she gets hungry. Clint would be so upset if Lola disappeared. He enjoys her company."

Clint ain't shit for not including a man ass eating scene in J. Edgar, but I will forgive him if he does an animated musical remake of Gran Torino starring Lola as his Asian neighbors and a bunch of coyotes as that Vietnamese gang.

The last person I ever thought would show his face on an E! reality show has just agreed to show his face on an E! reality show. TMZ says that Clint Eastwood's wife Dina Eastwood and their daughter Morgan and his daughter Francesca are shooting their own reality show for E! right now and he's agreed to make a few cameos. Senileism is a helluva drug. Damn. Clint has millions of dollars, 4 Oscars and is tap dancing on the A-list. Clint doesn't need a reality show. I bet E! lured him in with a plate of caramel squares. Those pepaws and their caramel squares. It's like crack wrapped in a virgin's vagina.

The show will apparently focus on Dina's relationship with Morgan and Francesca and their life as "Hollywood royalty." Clint's 18-year-old daughter Francesca is an aspiring actress, so she's probably hoping this will lead to some shit. The show will be added to E!'s gallery of skid marks in the next few months.

Okay, Francesca's father is Clint Eastwood and she's using reality TV to become a professional actress? That is some nepotism fail shit. The only good that can come from this is that at the E! company picnic, Clint will mistake the Kuntrashians for a pack of yetis and lasso all of 'em up.

FINALLY (served in a bowl of sarcasm)! Everybody who has been on the fence of gay marriage can hop off that fence and come to our fence (which looks like this and is way more fun) now that Clint Eastwood has said in so many words that he's all for gays marrying other gays. Clint, who just finished directing that J. Edgard Hoover biopic, tells GQ (via Reuters) that gay marriage haters should just go ahead and replace their "I Hate Gay Marriage" lawn sign with an "I Don't Give A Fuck" law sign.

"These people who are making a big deal about gay marriage? I don't give a fuck about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not?! We're making a big deal out of things we shouldn't be making a deal out of ... Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want."

You know, Clint is 81 years old and people who are 81 years old don't give a fuck about much. When you reach the canned peaches for dessert phase of your life, you pretty much retire from giving a fuck. Let's try out my theory by using canned peaches as an example since I already brought up canned peaches.

Hey, Clint, what do you think about some people putting light cottage cheese on their canned peaches?

"These people who are making a big deal about light cottage cheese on canned peaches? I don't give a fuck about putting light cottage cheese on canned peaches! Why not?! We're making a big deal out of things we shouldn't be making a deal out of ... Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want."

See. It works for everything.

But thanks for that "Go Ahead and Make My Gay...Your Husband" line, Clint! Now can you please make up for the fact that you ruined the movie version of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by writing a 10-part movie series based on the life and times of The Lady Chablis starring The Lady Chablis:

And please call it "Blue Is Not Your Color (Working Title: I Don't Even Know That Bitch, Never Even Met Her)"

A fourth remake of A Star Is Born starring Beyonce has been in the mind of Hollywood for a long time, but now that they've snorted a line of Clint Eastwood, it's alive again. Deadline Hollywood is flirting with April 1st by reporting that Warner Bros. has somehow convinced Clint Eastwood of all pepaws to produce and direct A WIG IS BORN with Beyonce taking the Janet Gaynor-Judy Garland-Barbara Streisand role. No word yet on who will play the drunk has-been opposite Beyonce, but I suggest that they complete the trifecta of WTF by casting The Hoff or Gary Busey (who was in the 1976 one) or Amy Wino or Arthur the Drunk Puppet.

Deadline says that Will Smith was thinking of taking the lead dude role at one point, but recently the names Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Hamm have been brought up.

Are they trying to push Liza off the wagon again? This has the potential to crawl past Showgirls on the ladder of sparkly disasters. Never mind that Beyonce has the acting skills of a wind-up toy on its last wind, I have faith that this soon-to-be bedazzled bomb will try to distract us with sequins and wigs. Oh, the lace fronts will be plentiful in this shit. When production starts, we'll all mysteriously wake up bald and later recognize our follicles on Beyonce's head when a Star Is Boring hits the $3 theater.

Clint can't go wrong if his version of A Star Is Born includes a cat fight scene between Beyonce and Ali Larter and another cameo by Sally Kirkland. Oh, and Clint needs to throw a little Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil in there by casting The Lady Chablis as Beyonce's younger sister.