If David O. Russell's Abscam movie succeeds at one thing it'll be turning Christian Bale, Bradley Cooper and Jeremy Renner into three gorgeous messes from the 70s. They've made Christian Bale look like a sleazy used car salesman who fucks with his loafers on and tastes like cologne and sweat. They've made B. Coop look like a porn producer who smells like perm stank and screams "Don't touch curls!" at least once a day. And now, as Lainey puts it, they've made Jeremy Renner look like a third rate Joe Pesci impersonator. That wig really brings out the Grumpy Cat in his face.
Who ever is responsible for this mess should just accept their Oscars now. They should get an extra special award for making Elisabeth Rohm (I think that's her) look like Cinderella's evil stepmother gone disco.
A couple of months ago, we all found out that Jeremy Renner knocked up his ex-girlfriend Sonni Pacheco and instead of cutting her a check, putting her on a bus and sending her far, far away, he put her up in the mansion he lives in with his roommate. I know, it's like the most bizarre episode of The New Normal ever. Well, Jeremy and Sonni are now Super Glued to each other for life, because a baby with his DNA and her DNA now exists. Jeremy's rep tells People that Jeremy did make a baby with Sonni and that baby was born. People puts it like this:
He and girlfriend Sonni Pacheco confirm to PEOPLE that they are the proud parents of a 7 lb. baby girl, Ava Berlin Renner.
“They are beyond thrilled,” his spokesperson tells PEOPLE in a statement. “Mother and daughter are doing great.”
Reports of a baby-on-the-way for the Oscar nominee first hit the web in January following the Golden Globes.
Renner, 42, had not previously addressed the rumors.
I actually like the name Ava Berlin Renner and I always hiss at celebrity baby names. Ava Berlin sounds like the name of a super elegant drag queen who only sings songs from the musical Cabaret and only performs at lounges that use cloth napkins. Ava Berlin also sounds like the name of lounge singer turned mob wife (Michelle Pfeiffer will play her in the movie).
Anyway, congrats to Ava Berlin, because she gets to look up at Jeremy Renner's eyeliner-lined bunny eyes and say, "Daddy."
The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey's rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:
"I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!"
Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn't honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman's piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron's body in The Paperboy.
The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here's the list of winners:
Best Feature - Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film - Amour
Best Female Lead Performance - Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance - John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography - Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary - The Invisible War
And here's a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.
Jezebel pointed out that future father and current Hawkeye Jeremy Renner showed up to the Hollywood premiere of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (How is that a movie?) last night looking wet, wild and Bonne Belle beautiful. Before Jeremy was Jason Bourne, he was a make-up artist, so he knows the importance of brushing his lashes with clear mascara before he gets photographed. No, Jeremy isn't happy to see you, that's just a bronzer stick in his pants.
Before every event, Jeremy slides up in front of the Hollywood makeup mirror in the beauty salon in his mansion, puts a Vanity 6 cassette in his Boombox and plays this:
You know he's said the line, "Smoke a cigarette, I'm not ready yet," to his roommate at least once. You know, I should stop calling Jeremy Renner "Hawkeye." That liner and mascara makes him look more like Bunnyeye. I just want him to wink at me while nibbling on some wet lettuce.
And why is Peter Stomare praying in front of Gemma Arterton? Peter Stormare should be praying at the altar of the real Church of Maybelline Glamour: Jeremy Renner's face.
When Jeremy Renner told Eva Longoria on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes that he gave his ex-girlfriend a surprise case of the BABIES!!!, he told everybody, because some nosy-eared witness heard it and spread the news to UsWeekly (or Eva Longoria's ass gave the news to UsWeekly in exchange for a "best" label in their extremely important Best & Worst Beach Bodies issue). Not much was known about Jeremy's ex-girlfriend, but then the highly skilled womb diggers at The National Enquirer (via Radar) went to work and found out that the future mother of Baby Hawkeye is 22-year-old model Sonni Pacheco from Vancouver. We shouldn't be surprised about this shit, because aren't they ALWAYS 22-year-old models?
A supposed friend of Jeremy's tells the Enquirer that Sonni is living with him and his "roommate" at his home in L.A. and he's taking care of her while she's baking the baby they made. The friend went on to say, “Jeremy is delighted he’s going to become a dad. He realizes it’s unconventional to have his baby mama, an ex-girlfriend, living with him and his roommate, but he just doesn’t care.”
So to recap: Jeremy, his "roommate" and his knocked up ex-piece are all living in the same house and I'm guessing that house is his $25 million flip that looks like a cross between the Rocketeer's lair and the fanciest Restoration Hardware store you've ever seen.
I thought that when you become a multi-millionaire movie star, the first thing you do is drop your roommate and those rough ass towels from Ikea that scrubbed a layer off your skin every time you dried off with them. But I guess not. I mean, roommate?!
Now I'm not saying that Jeremy's situation is some New Normal shit, but when are we going to get to the part when we meet Sonni's ultra conservative, Cindy McCain-like, ice queen of a grandmother and her daughter who does a dead-on impersonation of Little Edie from Grey Gardens? Because they're my favorite part of the story.
And here's some of Sonni's extremely professional and elegant modeling pictures. Sonni is giving us some Barbizon: After Dark glamour and then some.
Tip of the day: If you're going to get knocked up by a dude you've only dated for a quick minute, make sure that dude is Jeremy Renner, because he will put you up in his Los Angeles home and take care of all your pregnancy needs. Would you expect anything less Hawkeye?
Jeremy has said before that he's a really private person and he totally behaved like a really private person the other night when he openly blabbed to Eva Longoria about becoming a father for the first time. Two witnesses tell UsWeekly that on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes on Sunday night, they overheard Jeremy talking to Eva Longoria about how his ex-piece is carrying their baby in her uterus. Jeremy is shooting a movie out of CA right now, but told Eva that he's going to "fly in when her water breaks."
A source tells UsWeekly that Jeremy and the future mama j'e'e of his child only dated for a little while and it wasn't serious at all. When Grumpy Cat's separated-at-birth twin found out that he humped a baby into his ex-girlfriend, he put her up in his house. She's going to give birth to Hawkeye Jr. next month.
Well, this is one way to completely drown those gay rumors in virile jizz. Congrats to Jeremy Renner for learning an important life lesson: sometimes hetero bareback fucking leads to a baby. Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart, Hugh Grant and January Jones welcome you to their club!
If you want the extra short version, just spend one second with that picture of Jeremy Renner and then go on your merry way, because that pretty much sums up all his feelings in one flick of a finger.
Jeremy Renner has joined Jon Hamm and Daniel Craig on the growing list of Hollywood actors who think that the Kartrashians are as useful as an ingrown nipple hair. Jeremy was doing an interview with The Guardian's Andrea Hubert about The Bourne Legacy when Andrea decided to make his soul gag by bringing up the Kardashian's name. They were talking about all the stuff that fames brings and Andrea dropped the K bomb, which made Jeremy barf this out:
"Oh, all those ridiculous people with zero talent who spend their lives making sure everyone knows their name. Those stupid, stupid people."
Shhhhh, Jeremy, you'll wake the whore beast that is Pimp Mama Kris and then she'll use that quote to stretch the Kardashians' fame and she'll use it so much that you'll have to legally change your name, because you'll be so sick of hearing the name "Jeremy Renner" fall out of their trash holes. It's probably too late. Pimp Mama Kris is already working on a response and I'm sure she'll call Jeremy classless and say that he's just jealous that he didn't get famous from getting slapped in the ass with Ray-J's boomerang dick on camera. Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris will just take that quote, sprinkle delusional dust on it and then post it on her website. Like this:
"[The Kardashians are] people with... talent [and] everyone knows their name." - Jeremy Renner
If a mash-up of Carolina Herrera and Gary Oldman as Dracula went to the HERP DERP Salon and told his stylist, "Gurl, give me the Walter Mercado," this is the beautiful image that would make every mirror in the place steam up. One thing Hollywood has taught us is that the more jacked up Javier Bardem's hair is in a movie, the eviler his character is. So this is one is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer and Pimp Mama Kris on a trailer of charred innocent souls. Bitch is that evil.
Below is the new trailer for The Queen's homeboy's new movie Skyfall and besides the regulars, it also stars Javie, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishshaw as Q, Albert Finney, Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe. Open your eyes as wide as possible to take in all of Javier's peroxide glamour:
Daniel and Javier's scene! Javier is serving up some blond queen cuntiness. When Javier coos at Bond, "Just look at you, chasing spies," I expected Bond to snap back with, "Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing Swedish guinea pigs to make wigs out of." Congratulations to Sam Mendes for giving us the most glamorous evil Bond queen of ALL-TIME!
Here's Daniel, Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Renner at last night's NYC premiere of that Bourne Identity reboot. I am not interested in that Bourne shit if it doesn't have a straw-haired Javier Bardem in it.
Yes, that headline quote is one hundred percent accurate. Tommy Girl cooed out those words after catching his own reflection in Stepford Katie's glazed over eyeballs. You really haven't seen your own reflection until you've seen it in a pair of face globes whose e-meter-induced sparkle hides the pieces of her soul trying to knock their way out of her head.
After days of dragging Suri out for staged photo-ops, Tommy Girl finally had his big premiere in NYC last night for Mission Impossible 4: You Try Getting Suri Into A Pair Of Flats, and he torched the red carpet by working the shit out of that flesh-colored cheek nipple on his face. Tommy didn't only make no-nos pucker by winking at the camera, but he also induced vomiting when he talked about Stepford Katie to People. Tommy said, "Every day I fall more in love with her. It's been quite an amazing five years because of her. She's an incredible woman. She's everything to me."
Tommy laid it on so slimy and thick that if he scooted his Scientolohole across that quote, he wouldn't ever have to reach for a bottle of ass lube again. Bitch's butt cunt would stay forever lubricated. Damn. I know Katie has been an indentured beard and Tommy will have a short (very short, shorter than him) case of the sads when he has to rip her off of his chin after their 10 year contract ends, but "EVERYTHING TO ME"?! Tommy should save those words for the L. Ron Hubbard hologram in his dungeon or his favorite pair of lifts. Not Katie. For shame.
Anyway, here's the whores and bores from last night's premiere. In order: Tommy & Katie, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton with Robin Thicke, Josh Holloway with his wife, Alan Thicke with his wife and Jeremy Renner.
In case you missed it, here's ScarJo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of The Avengers on Saturday morning.
You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator this Labor Day, you'd be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn't bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. I don't know what their damn costumes do. I don't know why they're running around. I don't know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a top at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don't know!
But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.