Paz de la Huerta
There's no need for you to contact Madame Tussauds' security office to let them know that their wax statue of Voldemort escaped out of their building, disguised itself as a Thai transgirl lounge singer and is slowly melting into a puddle. This is just the forever beautiful Spaz de la Huerta blowing air kisses at the press after winning an award for best ensemble with her Boardwalk Empire castmates at the SAG Awards last night. How many members of the media do you think are still in the bathroom scrubbing the lipstick stains out of their skin? When Spaz throws you a lipstick-covered air kiss, you better block it with a piece of Bounty or you will end up getting intimate with a can of paint remover for a few hours.
That lipstick color is usually something you only find in the pocket of a chola's Starter jacket. One of my junior high school chola friends described that color as a "dirty tampon" or a "dried blood clot." Since she put it that way, that lipstick is a whole new shade of lovely to you, right? But on Spaz, I'd like to say that lipstick looks more like Charlie Sheen's liquefied liver, or the melted heart of a black Pegasus.
It's really an ingenious way to know which cocktail is yours at a party, because that lipstick leaves more than a mark. Oh, mine's the one that looks like Tar Monster busted a bloody wet fart on it.
Here's Spaz politely taking the mic from Steve Buscemi last night to thank whoever and to say the word "phenomenal" like she just learned it yesterday.
And the POSES! You couldn't even learn those moves at a John Robert Powers master class taught by Phoebe Price!
Oh, Paz de la Huerta's unpolluted beauty never fails to make me wish I could shapeshift into a sponge, wipe myself across the glistening tundra of Crisco called her face, wring myself out over an empty jar of Ragu and store it under my kitchen sink for whenever I need an extra touch of elegance in my frijoles. I pretty much get swoony whenever I've got a pearl choker in front of me, but Spaz went beyond. I'm talking about the hair that was probably styled by a beaver with no hands and her sideways juicy butt pit. Spaz is the only talented person on the planet who can make fart sounds with her armpit without lifting up her arm.
Looking like you just spent 19 hours giving birth to an oversized stone Buddha statue (or spent 19 hours reading Courtney Love's Tweets, or spent 19 hours in a heroin cave) is definitely a new kind of glamour.
Here's more of the fresh spring daisy that is Spaz at Elle's Women in Television event with Chupa Zoe, Jesse Tyler Ferguson (with his boyfriend Justin Mikita) and Sofia Vergara.
All last night I kept waiting for the graceful gazelle of Boardwalk Empire to make an appearance at the Golden Globes. When Boardwalk Empire won for Best TV Drama, I really expected Paz de la Huerta to stumble onto the stage, hike up her gown and command all of us to give thanks to the wiglet on her crotch (aka the secret to that show's success). Spaz didn't do that, because she was too busy doing body shots with some of the waitstaff in the kitchen. Spaz's liver was the color of the paint on her lips last night. On fire.
Not only are there glorious pictures of Spaz looking like she just woke up in a bathtub full of ice cubes with a sharp pain in her side and a trail of blood leading out into the hallway, but there's video too! TMZ captured two of Spaz's most wonderful moments last night. The first came when she was denied entrance into an after-party, because she was every kind of drunk.
The gatekeeper wasn't interested in Spaz feeding the potted plants inside with her 100-proof Miracle-Vom, so he kindly shoved her back into the car and told her to get the fuck out of there! But that party missed out, because a little later on Spaz nearly ate cement and then scribbled out an autograph (which probably looked like this) while her titty hung out of her dress. We can all finally exhale a huge sigh of relief now that the new Tara Reid has been anointed. All hail:
I'm glad to see that SOMEBODY at the Golden Globes took advantage of the full bottles of Moet on the table. I bet even Spaz's hungover piss has bubbles in it. I love her.