Paz de la Huerta
Since I like to think of myself as an evolving chameleon whose tastes are always changing (see: ten thousand annoying daily posts on Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Phoebe Price, Shauna Sand and man nipples for the last 6 years straight), it might be time to let go of exquisite eyebrow situations and let them fly so I can devote all of my everything to the newest comeback bitch on the scene: CHOLA LIP LINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the reigning queen of the chola lip liner movement is definitely the bow-legged drunk swan Spaz de la Huerta!
At the season 2 premiere of Boardwalk Empire in NYC last night, Spaz slathered her lips in a dim shade of lipstick (I think it's called "Morning Abortion") and let her liner (in shade "Cheek Hickey") be the star of her face. Spaz naturally looks like she's trying to hold back a barf ball in her throat, but that perfectly-applied lip liner makes it look like she just vommed up massive amounts of glamour and elegance.
All of you aspiring beauties out there need to take note and head directly to the Wet 'N Wild section at Walgreens. What woman wouldn't want to look like she had lips full of burgundy paint at the beginning of the night but left most of it on the plastic cup of boxed rosé she guzzled from for hours? What woman wouldn't want to look like she doesn't have to reapply when she gives a beej in the last stall in the men's room? What woman wouldn't want to look like a cartoon moustache and a cartoon smile are hugging her lips?
The answer: Any woman who just doesn't know.
Chola lip liner also serves as a priceless security tool. It lets all of your arch rivals and the hating bitches around you know that you do have razors stuck in your hair so they better not even think of coming at you.
All hail the mainstream return of a beauty classic!
And here's who was apart of history (not really) last night: Lady Lip Liner herself, Michael Pitt with hipster Olive Oyl, Ricky Gervais with Jane Fallon, Kimber Henry, Gretchen Mol, Chris Crocker with Vincent Piazza, Marky Mark with 16-year-old Nicola Peltz and Steve Buscemi with Jo Andres.
It's a little known fact that the kitchen grease orchid Spaz de la Huerta is a master at crotch acting and teaches a class at Juilliard to aspiring crotch thespians who want to learn how to deliver a raw emotion performance from the top of their pussy bones to the tip of their taints.
Spaz can transform her crotch into a mysterious character with a merkin the same way Meryl Streep can transform her voice with an accent. Spaz can smile with her crotch (smotching) the same way Ty Ty Banks tries to smile with her eyes. Spaz's chocha can queef out Atticus' court monologue from To Kill A Mockingbird with such subtle force that it makes Angel Gregory Peck cry a single tear. True story: Spaz's crotch turned down the lead role in The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke can thank Spaz's crotch by sending it a basket of clitty balm.
So because of all of this, Agent Provocateur knew that there was only one crotch for their new ad campaign. Just watch the video above and hold your breath (and your applause) as you see her Laurence Olivicrotch switch from emotion to emotion. Paz's pussy is theater!
When Spaz de la Huerta slid into a Manhattan courthouse yesterday to plead guilty to slapping a trick, she drizzled high art fuckery on the thirsty masses by giving a free show at the security screening checkpoint. Here I was thinking that all the best performance art pieces happen on a Penn Station subway platform when the highest levels of messy art go down at the courthouse.
Page Six says that everyone was "riveted" when Spaz sashayed through the magnetometers and then slowly slathered her legs with lotion. One courthouse employee was so "riveted" that he obviously stored Spaz's high art lotion show in his brain's memory chip to pull out later while he's doing "very nice lotioning" stuff to his down low parts. Dude ejaculated these words from his mouth:
"She did both legs all the way up to the thighs. It was lovely. Very nice lotioning!"
I wish I was very nice at lotioning. It would solve of all my social problems. But seriously, that wasn't lotion Spaz lubed up her legs with. Lotion is for breathing humans and Spaz is beyond a breathing human. Spaz is like a walking chorizo with matte pink lips. So it wasn't lotion. It was Crisco. Very nice Criscoing! There, I fixed it for him.
Here's Criscoing champion and the most beautiful woman in the world arriving at court yesterday while looking like she just finished a 12-hour-long orgy in a boiler room.
My favorite delusional bronzer-ed mess of the moment Spaz de la Huerta was booked by the police back in March after she laid a punch down on The City's Samantha Swerta during a fight over the latter's man at some hotel in NYC. Spaz, who's about as melodramatic as Norma Desmond's dry queef, said at the time that Samantha is an attention whoring reality piece of trash and she's a REAL actress on HBO! Well, the REAL actress was in a Manhattan court room this morning and pleaded guilty to uno count of second-degree harassment.
So what's Spaz's punishment for admitting to fisting a trick in the face? Not much, actually. E! News says that it's a violation and a not crime. This is because Spaz is on HBO! If she was on FX, she'd be gassed. Or they'd order her to keep her nipples covered up for the next 12 months, which would pretty much destroy Spaz the same way gassing her would. Spaz breathes in oxygen through her nipple holes so she'd die if they weren't out in the air.
Anyway, Spaz was given one day of community service and has to complete a 10-week-long alcohol treatment program. Spaz also has to stay away from Samantha until further notice. Samantha's lawyer says that she's planning to sue Spaz since she's still having trouble breathing from getting her nose bone busted.
So what if the community is going to suffer from being served by Spaz and the instructors at that alcohol treatment program will dive off the wagon after dealing with her insane ass, she's free! It's not only a victory for the spray painted corpse that is Spaz! It's also a victory for crazy!
“Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse! Maybe had she not seen so many bad pictures of herself she would have gotten more self esteem and not been so self-destructive.”
If you threw those words into a bowl, sprinkled a packet of sense on top, let it bubble a bit and then shoved it back in Paz's mouth, she would probably say something like, "Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse. Maybe if the media didn't publish pictures of her looking like a damn raggedy mess, she would've felt better about herself and wouldn't have smoked crack." Or something like that. It still doesn't make sense to me since the crack came long before the messy pictures. Maybe Paz simply meant that Amy needed more Glamour Shots in her life. That's what she meant, obviously.
Here's the grease bubble of crazy that is Spaz at the premiere of The Devil's Double in NYC the other night. I know what you're thinking, but Spaz has never ever ever ever ever been caught looking like a drunk skid mark, thankyouverymuch.
If the sparkles from a crazy diamond could speak words, they'd say every single thing Paz de la Huerta said in her interview with The New York Times. The glorious goddess of grease who always looks like she's got the whiskey wakes had a few words for her haters (including her own sister) and talked about the time that the spirit of Elvis' finger banged her at Graceland. Spaz has got the crazy of Courtney Love and the ice cold conceitedness of January Jones. Everything that comes out of her insane mouth hole just makes me scream YES!
On the second season of Boardwalk Empire and how chicks throw daggers at her bare nipples with their tongues: "I can’t share much about the show, but hopefully some of these women who resent me for being naked or in little to nothing will be pleased that I’m knocked up, and they’ll pay attention to the performance. Women have said the most malicious, disgusting things about me. But I know that when somebody comments about you, good or bad, it is 99 percent of the time their projection of how they feel about themselves. Even my own sister treats me worse than somebody would treat a rat. She actually likes rats, so worse than that."
On how her older sister tried to murder her when she was a fetus: "Even when I was in my womb she used to punch my mother’s stomach. She did not want me born. I’m working on my relationship with my mother and father, but my upbringing has been very destructive. They’re all Scorpios — my mother, my father and my sister."
On how she got ghost fucked by Elvis: "I was with my ex-boyfriend [Scott Weiland] and had to beg him to go to Graceland. I felt like he was jealous of Elvis because I’ve always been infatuated by him, which is hysterical because he’s passed away. So I went to his recording studio because sometimes the sensitive people feel him in this room, and I stood in this corner and I felt him. What can I say? I felt him touch me. I mean, come on, he’s a ghost. I felt his spirit go through me and give me pleasure. I experienced that when my cat died. She waited until I got home from Sundance, and she passed away the second she was in my arms, and I felt her spirit go through my body. But this was different. It was like Elvis was tickling me with a feather."
See what I mean? Accusing her sister of trying to commit abortion via bump punching? Making us imagine the spirit of Elvis in the body of Whoop Goldberg, tickling at her coochie while Scott Weiland slurs out "Unchained Melody." Crazy ass Spaz is always talking like she's a hungover shithouse rat (the one rat her sister hates) who really needs a fucking cigarette. I hope Spaz's vocal cords work forever so she can keep spitting out magical crap like this.
To quote my abuelita while watching one of her novellas: PERRA LOCA!
Looking like a 9 to 5 summer hooker strolling with her regular john to the skate park to pick up his 12-year-old son, the greasy "can't get clean" flower that is Paz de la Huerta made mouth love with her sugar pepaw as they walked around in NYC yesterday afternoon. Paz, who has permanent flu face, looks like she never wipes when she pees and hasn't washed her face since an officer did it for her in the drunk tank and her pepaw lover looks like he's growing three kinds of cheeses in his armpit, so these two hot pockets definitely belong together. You know the room smells like burnt grease, chitterling water, spoiled cabbage, fingernail dirt and drenched regret when they fuck.
Don't ask me why ole' boy is holding that skateboard. It's either because he's always ready for some kinky sex shit Paz gets into or he's really taking his mid-level crisis to new levels. I don't know. But I do know I will be seriously disappointed if this true love affair doesn't end with Spaz's drunk ass getting carried out of her sugar pepaw's office by security after she attacks him with a stapler for eye screwing some random on the street. If it doesn't end in fuckery, it doesn't end!
Paz de la Huerta, the glistening swizzle stick of crazy from Boardwalk Empire, was arrested late last month after she allegedly ate the face of a reality star with her fist at a fancy hotel bar in NYC. Samantha Swetra, who was on MTV's The City for a quick minute, told police that a fight broke out when Spaz tried to get on her man. Samantha was punched in the face and her leg got cut up from a broken glass thrown by Spaz.
Spaz was in a NYC court room this morning where she was officially charged with third-degree assault, harassment and criminal possession of a weapon. But fear not! The greasy wild flower of my heart has a good reason for why she whooped a trick. The NYDN reports:
De la Huerta, 26, allegedly punched Samantha Swetra - of MTV's "The City" - in the face, bloodying her nose and mouth, and threw a glass at her.
"I'm a real actress - HBO. She's a publicity seeker, a fake actress," prosecutors say De la Huerta told cops after the March 20th dust-up at the Standard Hotel.
De la Huerta stood silently with her hands in her pockets as Judge Frank Nervo issued an order of protection and told her to be back in court on May 19.
I lovelovelovelovelove that Spaz added the "HBO" to her proclamation of innocence. If she was on The CW, Fox or even NBC, it wouldn't be alright. But because you have to pay a monthly fee to see her work, it's okay! Like she was expecting the cops to release her and say, "Ooooh, HBO! Why didn't you say so then?"
Samantha probably didn't put up a fight, because reality stars aren't about to tussle for free. They get paid to fight for real. Show Samantha a check, and then she would've shown some flying fists.
And I am perfectly aware that Spaz is a complete asshole who won't even able to shout "I'm a real actress - Public Access!!!" in a few years, but I can't help but not love her. If she bathed, I'd drink her bath water with a shot of Bacardi.
By day, Spaz de la Huerta is breaking the will of mere mortals with her drunk tank beauty, and by night she's breaking glasses and punching hos in the face! TMZ reports that the beer-stained wild weed that grows between the Boardwalk floor boards was FRAMED in NYC on Sunday night. Yes, FRAMED! Some former reality star named Samantha Swerta claimed Spaz threw a glass at her before hitting her in the face.
Hook that Samantha chick up to a lie detector, because I refuse to believe any of this! Spaz is a refined lady of class! Spaz didn't throw a glass. That was the crystal teardrop from an angel who shed it after he caught an up-close glimpse of Spaz's gorgeous face in his telescope. And nobody punched Samantha! The wind just knocked her out when Spaz flipped her hair. RE-TRIAL!!!!
Okay, okay, I'm completely Spazmatized, so here's the real story from TMZ:
Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ, it all went down at The Standard hotel -- after Paz and Samantha got into it over Samantha's male friend ... we're told Paz was hitting on him and Sam got defensive.
According to sources, Samantha made a few snide remarks about Paz's level of inebriation ... and Paz got PISSED, throwing a glass and punching Samantha in the face.
We're told pieces of the glass became lodged in Samantha's leg, and Lindsay Lohan -- who was there with Samantha -- helped pick out the bloody shards ... while Paz was escorted out by security.
Samantha filed a police report this morning with her attorney Stephanie Ovadia. So far, no charges have been filed.
Wait. Lindsay Lohan was at a hotel bar?! A bar where they serve booze? STRING HER UP! WHAT'S THE NUMBER TO 911! STICK A BREATHALYZER IN HER MOUTH! CITIZEN'S ARREST! THROW HER IN THE CLINK! RE-TRIAL!
Yes, that's me trying to take the attention off of Spaz's drunk douchebag ways. I'm so the White Oprah to her Lindsay.
I tried to find a semi-new cat or PUPPY!!! video to soothe the sads you might be feeling over Dame Elizabeth's death, but I couldn't, so here's the next best thing: pictures of everyone's favorite mess Spaz de la Huerta struttin' through NYC yesterday. Oh, Spaz really knows how to cheer a bitch up by dressing like a Salvation Army street bin chewed her up and spit her out.
Spaz's face is saying "I drunk barfed my make-up off" and her body is saying "my clothes got drunk barfed on so I jacked a lady hobo's outfit," but she's still giving us THE LOOK! Don't act like you wouldn't put a dime in her cup!
And this is sort of like posting a PUPPY!!!! video since I'm pretty sure Spaz's jacket is made of German Shepherd fur. I'm really not helping.