Paz de la Huerta
Here's Listverse's definition of the elusive and rare Ghost orchid:
The Ghost orchid is a fascinating rare plant that was presumed extinct for almost 20 years, only recently did it rear its head again. The plant is so rare because it is basically impossible to propagate. It has no leaves, does not depend on photosynthesis and does not manufacture its own food. Like the Lady slipper, it needs a specific fungus in close contact with its root system, which feeds it. The Ghost orchid never grows leaves, and will therefore always depend on the fungus for its nourishment. The Ghost orchid can live underground for years, without showing any external signs and will only bloom when all conditions are optimum. This explains why some orchid enthusiasts search for years and years just to have a glimpse of this elusive flower.
If you replaced the name "Ghost orchid" with Spaz de la Huerta, that whole definition would still make so much sense and be one hundred percent truthful.
It feels like it's been more than 20 years since we've been blessed by the presence of the Crisco-dipped orchid that is Paz de la Huerta and she quenched the thirst of her admirers (aka just me) by gliding through LAX yesterday. Ever since those dumb bitches at Boardwalk Empire made the worst decision of their lives by firing Spaz, because her beauty and raw talent took the focus away from actors who are lesser than her, she's been busy filling her time with other things. I don't know exactly what those other things are, but she's been really busy filling her time with them.
I can spend my time wondering what that burn on her chin is (theories: Chemical peel gone wrong? She learned the hard way that giving Heat Miser a rim job is a dangerous task? The sun not only wanted to kiss her chin, it wanted to make out with it?), but instead I'm going to thank the gods for giving us a Spaz sighting. Never leave my eyes again, Spaz!
If the One Ring had eyes, this is what it would see when Gollum reached for it. Yes, that is your cue to be jealous of the One Ring.
Giving off some "my preeeeeeeesh-iss" glamour, Spaz de la Huerta poses labia-out naked for Playboy's very special holiday issue. It's TOO perfect that Spaz is naked in the holiday issue, because Baby Jesus was born just so this modern day goddess could bare her nipples in Playboy. Florida's premiere parking lot stripper stripped off the clothes she doesn't wear for photographer Mario Sorrenti and she tells Playboy that he was the first professional picture taker who captured the image of her pristine titties when she was just 17. Since then Spaz has taken her tits out for anybody with a disposable camera, but Mario was the first.
Spaz on posing for Playboy: “Cindy Crawford and Marilyn Monroe have appeared in Playboy. I celebrate nudity every day. It’s our first wardrobe. And Mario [Sorrenti] is such an amazing photographer; he brings so much mystery and sensuality to his photographs. We did the photos with no makeup, and we both wanted them to have a very natural feeling. It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public, a more honest portrayal of where I am now in my life.”
Translation: "Right now in my life, I'm always naked, I've always got sandy crotch and I'm living under a pier at the beach."
Spaz on working with Mario Sorrenti again: “I did my first nude shoot with Mario when I was 17. He made me feel beautiful, and I really feel it was on that shoot that I overcame my fear of being naked. Mario is such an artist. He has taken photographs of me in which my body looks like a sculpture.”
Translation: "He makes my body look like a sculpture, which is probably why pigeons are always shitting on me and tourists are always sitting in front of me to look at a map."
Spaz on what she thinks of the pictures of her naked ass: “We did the photos with no make-up, and we both wanted them to have a very natural feeling. It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public.”
Translation: "It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public, so Mario became a licensed ultrasound technician and inside of the magazine you'll see scans of my kidneys, intestines and gallbladder. "
In all seriousness, after putting low-budget skanks like Lindsay Lohan on their cover, Playboy is finally on the road to becoming a purveyor of natural glamour and potent beauty again, and putting Spaz in their magazine is the first step.
I've always wanted to know what Tommy Lee circa 1986 would look like with tits and Spaz finally gave me that image. Thank you, Spaz! Heather Locklear SO wants to marry you.
I see you in the background, throwing ice cold looks of potent jealousy, Sarah Palin!
Fresh off from giving the performance of her life in the middle of a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL, Paz de la Huerta, the goddess that is more pure than an angel's asshole, sashayed through LAX yesterday while wearing a regular ole' traveling ensemble. I know that when you travel, you too dress like a magician's assistant in a Christmas-themed magic show who had to grab her leather jacket in the dressing room and go on the run after she spotted mobsters she stole money from in the audience. You should always look like you're on the run from mobsters.
I'm thankful that Spaz keeps sharing her glamour with the public as much as possible, because everyone should know that all you need to look like a modern-day Aphrodite is a giant, greasy tub of Don't Give A Fuck. Spanx are out, bloat is in! Bronzer is out, lube face is in!
Here's the modern goddess of class Paz de la Huerta displaying every ingredient needed to create a perfect portrait of refined grace. Half a dozen people in Miami now know what it was like watching Michelangelo paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They watched the greatest living performance artist create her latest masterpiece in a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL. While not letting go of her cigarette, Spaz changed out of her bikini and into a black bra and a skirt. Minutes before this, Spaz used a public bathroom, so she could've changed in there, but decided to give the people some much-needed culture instead.
Everything about this is perfect from Spaz's freshly fucked hair to the rosary around her neck to the lit cigarette dangling from her hand to the birth control patch on her butt cheek to the way her ass looks like a weathered plaster sculpture from the 18th century. Spaz looks like she just crawled out of a trash can on the beach after spending the night in there. What I'm saying is that Spaz has never looked more gorgeous.
If you need to know what the nipples on a freshly bloomed bloated flower look like, hold your breath and then (NSFW) click here and here. Miami Beach can go ahead and cancel Art Basel, because no work of art can top this.
It's been way too long since we've all caught up with everyone's favorite delicate gutter blossom, so here's the always stunning Spaz de la Huerta shuffling around the streets of Manhattan with a lucky piece who gets to wake up in the afternoon next to the humanized version of his hangover.
You know this love is going to last forever, because a couple that sucks fags together, stays together. I just hope that this new piece doesn't change Spaz's impeccable and genius sense of style. After a night of boozing until you've barfed your soul out into a trash can on the street, don't you hate it when judgmental whores have to ask you if you've had another rough night? Well, you can take a page from Spaz's look book and always do yourself up like you've had a rough night so bitches can stop asking. Just always look like the broke off and dozed off mom who embarrasses her child when she takes them to school in the morning wearing her night gown, chanclas and raggedy hair that can make a brush cry real tears.
And Spaz's new piece better bring his best dick game if he wants to stick around, because he has Elvis' ghost to compete with.
I know you've been wondering what certified beautiful wreck Spaz de la Huerta has been up to ever since she was evicted from Boardwalk Empire, so here you go. Same shit, different camera (specifically, Terry Richardson's NSFW camera).
Oh you know, Spaz has been making out with old lipstick, pouting, airing her nipple slits out in public, pouting, airing her belly button slit out in public, making fun of ducks by....pouting, pouting, scratching her culo on a palm tree like the wild creature she is, pouting, going to the ER after she cut her ass lips on that palm tree, pouting and pouting some more while sitting on the toilet because it stings when she cacas thanks to the anal fissure she gave herself from rubbing her ass on that palm tree!
I will never forgive myself for letting the stupid Oscars suck up most of my day when I should've been focused on more important things in the world like these stunning portraits of the naturally gorgeous Pamela Anderson. These pictures of Pamela at a Terry Richardson party in L.A. are from the far away past that was Friday night, but it's never too late to share brows, lashes, lip liner and lusciousness like this with you.
Pamela looks like she just got her make-up done by a former chola turned beauty school student at a cosmetics stand in Santee Alley. Every man, woman and child needs to take notes, because if you're going to find beauty in a tube of lip liner, this is how it's done. If you don't end up looking like a half-melted and cholafied Old Navy mannequin, you're doing it wrong. Pamela should have one of those QR codes on her, so hos can scan her and find out exactly which products from the Wet 'N Wild section at Rite Aid she uses. The chola porn star look is so NOW.
Terry's party must have been BYOB (bring your own beauty), because not only was Pamela there but some dude carried in glamour tornado Spaz de la Huerta. Don't these pictures of that dude carrying Spaz's messy ass across the red carpet remind you of the scene in Cleopatra where man slaves carry Elizabeth Taylor on a throne? Such regalness.
You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy feeling of regret sitting at the pit of your stomach? Usually that feeling of regret has a lot do with the piece of Oreo pie you swallowed before bedtime, but when the producers of Boardwalk Empire wake up with that feeling tomorrow it will have everything to do with letting go of the most glamorous thing that has ever happened to their show. TVLine reports that Spaz de la Huerta is Spaz de la Muerte to the producers of Boardwalk Empire, because they have decided to not pick up her contract option for season 3. This is a direct slap to lip liner, which is a direct slap to beauty, which is a direct slap to us all!
Spaz's character ran away in the middle of season 2, but there was some hope that she'd return in all her glory. But a source type says that Spaz is heading directly for the exit door along with Michael Pitt, Dabney Coleman and Aleksa Palladino (SPOILER ALERT: They were all killed off during the season 2 finale.)
TVLine doesn't have any details as to why Boardwalk Empire evicted Spaz, but I'm sure that in a few days some "inside source" will say that she was difficult to work with. Spaz, difficult? That's a "NEVER" if I've ever heard one. So what if Spaz probably kept the crew waiting for hours because she was riding the ghost of Elvis in her trailer and refused to stop until the spirit of Graceland moved her to do so. So what if the costumers had to spend thousands of dollars cleaning Spaz's costume since she regularly sweat bronzer, whiskey and gutter water into them? So what if Spaz bit the cheek of the prop master, because he poured stage booze into her character's glass instead of real booze. Spaz is an artiste to the core and that's how they all are!
Spaz doesn't need that stupid HBO shit anyway. Now she can devote all her time to her real passion: slowly moisturizing the sexy onto her legs for the masses.
My mom asked me the other day if I was watching Revenge (which you should always pronounce as RUUUUH-VEEEENGE while making wide Norma Desmond eyes), and I told her that I was behind 3 episodes since its priority ranks way below my current soul fillers of choice The A-List: Dallas and Love & Hip Hop. So instead of doing the correct thing by softly weeping about how she can't believe she raised such a garbage disposal tramp who eats up trash by the pound, she goes, "Oh, so you didn't see it when so-and-so found out that so-and-so was a this-and-that? I couldn't believe it!" So yeah, just like my mom, Spaz de la Huerta should import the phrase "SPOILER ALERT" into her lexicon, because she spilled way too much information on the Boardwalk Empire season finale at a party the other night.
Page Six says that Spaz, who truly always looks like she's always having an awake abortion, was approached by a guest and asked if she could tell them anything about the season finale. (SPOILER ALERT) The drunk face that launches a thousand side-eyes opened its mouth and told the guest that her character's baby dies. Apparently, that's more than the party guest wanted to hear.
For real, though, I doubt that even happens in the finale if it came from Spaz's tongue. Spaz is forever free falling down a K-hole where the moments from her life twist together, and so she doesn't know what she's saying half of the time. When you turn on the local news tonight, you'll find out that Spaz was arrested for accidentally blacking out on top of a baby. "So that's what she meant" is what you'll say afterward. Oh shit, I should've added a SPOILER ALERT to that shit.
There's a really good reason for why I keep a piece of Sizzler's heart attack toast (aka what Paula Deen serves at communion) wrapped in my paper napkin until after I've stuck my mouth hole under the ice cream spout, because you should always save the best shit for a palate cleanser. And that is why I'm ending my Emmy coverage with the best grand finale possible: SPAZ DE LA HUERTA! Spaz is just like Sizzler's cheese toast. Well, more like a digested piece of Sizzler's cheese toast found inside of a corpse by a coroner during an early morning autopsy. Stunning.
The vodka sponge in Spaz's head must have forgotten about which cable show she's on, because her face came out in full support of The Walking Dead. I would say that Spaz should've finished off the look with leaves in her hair, a body bag cape and a toe tag, but she's a demure beauty who would never give us too much look.
Spaz also answered two very important questions that I know have been on your mind. When she puckered those lips (slathered in a lipstick shade called "Zombie Jizz") she answered the question: "What does a Chinese Crested's swollen anal glands look like?" And she also answered the question: "Do drunk zombies spray tan?"
It's okay to admit that Spaz's beauty has turned you into a full-on necrophiliac.