Sharon Stone

It really isn't a Hollywood event until Sharon Stone shows up looking like she just skinned an animal alive before throwing its pelt onto her shoulders. Where was Goopy's stylist with a pube-shaving razor, because Sharon's jacket looks like a Kardashian merkin. How dreadful. And I can almost hear her feet crying out in humiliation from wearing those ugly ass peep-toe booties. While I appreciate it when a ho shows up looking like a wicked witch dominatrix at a funeral, the only way this look would've worked is if Sharon turned into a murder of crows at the end of the night.

The only time it's okay to wear an outfit like this is if you're about to pull out Kristen Stewart's stoner heart in your medieval lair or you're about to terrorize a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. That orange eyeshadow too... Did Sharon Stone really want her eyes to look like two sore b-holes in need of some Prep H?

With all that being said, Sharon was still the hottest messy bitch there, because everybody else showed up wearing boring rejected dresses from awards season. In order after Cruella de Stone: Rebel Wilson, Sofia Vergara, Hayden Pantyairs, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand's tits with James Brolin and Donna Karan, Kerry Washington, Psy, Julie Bowen, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, some Duck Dynasty people, Anne Burrell Patricia Arquette, Katy Perry, Kate Mara, Natalie Dormer, the matron of the Death Eaters, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Gerard Butler with Piers Morgan.

Life & Style said yesterday that Sharon Stone is now single and is going to put on her best boy catchin' outfit, strut to the nearest high school with Demi Moore and get themselves some seniors. The source said that 54-year-old Sharon is into politics and activism and her 30-year-old Argentinean model boyfriend Martin Mica isn't into that stuff, so she took the saddle off of his back and stopped riding him. But yesterday Sharon Stone let everyone know that she's still riding on Martin Mica by putting on a show for the paps on the ho stroll.

This is how you answer a rumor. You don't have your publicist push the "generic answer to breakup rumor" button on the statement machine. You put on your silver disco shoes and tell your piece to grab his knapsack, because you're going to show all those bitches the truth as you walk him to school in Beverly Hills.

I was reading about this at another site and one of the commenters wondered if Sharon Stone knows that he's just using her for money. Excuse you? Nobody uses Sharon Stone. If anything, he's the one paying for everything, because it is an honor to be seen with the goddess from Diabolique, Basic Instinct 2, Intersection (confession: I am the one person who saw Intersection and I saw it twice in the theaters. Not even at a discount theater either. What is wrong with me?), Casino, Total Recall,  Gloria, Sliver, Catwoman, The Muse, King Solomon's Mines and...need I go on? (Please say "no," because I'm running out of movies to name and I really don't want to have to type the words "Alpha Dog.")

Sharon Stone's heart is made of dehydrated Dalmatian puppy meat and she once skinned a Fraggle alive with her bare teeth in front of its family (exhibit: A), so I'm close to checking the "I Believe it!" box under The Los Angeles Times' story about how she brought her signature cold-blooded bitchiness on her former nanny. Sharon's ex-nanny Erlinda Elemen says Sharon didn't let her keep a Bible in the house (because the word of the lord goes against Sharon's Illuminati beliefs, duh) and always made fun of her Filipino accent. In other words, Sharon so didn't vote for Jessica Sanchez on American Idol.

In a lawsuit filed by Erlinda in L.A. today, she claimed that Sharon pink-slipped her ass after finding out that she was paid overtime. Erlinda regularly worked over 40 hours a week and so Sharon's staff paid her overtime. When Sharon found about out this, she demanded that Erlinda pay the money back and when she was met with a boldfaced NO, she fired Erlinda. Sharon told Erlinda that working overtime without her permission was "illegal."

Erlinda also claims that working for Sharon was like holding a rusty nail between your ass cheeks while a pit bull barks in your face. It was a terrifying nightmare. Sharon constantly said Filipino people are "stupid" and told Erlinda not to talk to her three children, because she didn't want them to have a Filipino accent. Sharon made fun of Erlinda for going to church and didn't let her read the Bible in the house even though she lived there.

Erlinda started working for Sharon as her part-time nanny in 2006 and 2 years later she was promoted to head nanny. Sharon fired Erlinda on a day in February 2011.

This is seriously some Nanny Diaries shit. But if Sharon is such a Filipino-hating racist crazy, why would she hire a Filipino nanny in the first place? Unless, Sharon truly is 100% evil and making fun of Erlinda tickled the rotten veins in her dead heart. That makes sense, because I have heard (no, I haven't) that when one of those Sarah McLachlan SPCA PSAs come on TV, Sharon laughs at it while masturbating with a taxidermy puppy. They don't call her Cruella de Stone for nothing!

This is 51-year-old Sharon Stone with her chichis out on the cover of Paris Match. In case you couldn't tell, they used a whole lot of fards for these pictures. Fards everywhere! Fards on her face! Fards on her hair! Fards on her teefs! Fards on her elbows! Fards on her titty sacks! Fards on her nipples! Fards on her pussy bone! Fards! Fards! Fards! They also used a whole lot of le Photoshop. They really brought the Pshop fuckery American-style! I'm surprised her nipples aren't pixelated.

Now, I'm not doubting that Sharon Stone has a hot body, but she does not have skin like a brand new mannequin out of the factory.

Warning: Clicking on some of the thumbnails below may result in a cougar nipple hitting you in the face.

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

Mensa's most famous NOT-member, Sharon Stone, is denying that she wanted to Botox her son's feet because they smelled like shit. In court papers released a couple of days ago, a judge stated that Sharon wanted her 8-year-old son Roan to get Botoxed in the feet to cure his foot odor.

Sharon's lawyer issued this statement to UsWeekly: "This week it was reported in connection with Sharon Stone's custody dispute that she wanted to have her young 8 year-old son undergo Botox treatment at this time for his feet. Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication. Sharon loves her son Roan and only wants the best for him."

I believe the lawyer. She didn't want to Botox her son. She wanted to use some rare snake venom only found in the Amazon. And she didn't want to inject his feet with it. She wanted to use it on his lips. 8-year-olds talk so much, so she figured if she pumped up his lips a bit, it would slow him down.

Cruella de Stone asked a judge for permission to move her son Roan from his father's home in Northern California to her house in Los Angeles. The judge rejected her ass and ordered that Roan must stay with his daddy. The judge also thinks Cruella is a batshit crazy mommy who needs shock treatment. Okay, he didn't put it in those words exactly.

TMZ got a hold of some court documents that paint Cruella as a paranoid and overreactive bitch. Munchausen syndrome alert! Here's some of the things the court papers state:

Cruella believed Roan had some kind of spinal condition, but didn't give any evidence proving this. The judge wrote: "Mother appears to overreact to many medical issues involving Roan."

Cruella claims she put her career on hold in order to raise Roan. The judge wrote: "If Mother has, in fact, limited her career to make herself available for Roan, she has done little to make this evident to Roan, his school or this Court." (A note from MK: I think Hollywood put her career on hold for her years ago.)

Cruella wanted to botox Roan's feet because they fucking smelled bad. The judge wrote that the "mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor. As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected the odor problem without the need for any invasive procedure on this young child."

The judge went on to write that Phil "A Komodo Dragon Bit Off My Toe" Bronstein is always looking out for Roan's well-being and that Cruella is basically doing the opposite.

About the Botox, I've heard it helping with pit stank, but never foot odor. Hey, it's just a little prick of Botox. It can't hurt that bad. Cruella's precious nose shouldn't be subjected to Roan's rank feetsies.

While she's at it, Cruella should also Botox his face a little bit. It's best to start them young. And then when she's finished there, she can lipo off his baby fat and get him some veneers. You know how unsightly some kids' teeth can be. Better yet, just send him to Dr. 90210 for a full makeover and call it a day. Being a mother is so hard!

A couple of days ago it was reported that Cruella de Stone lost joint custody of her older son to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein. Cruella's lawyer dude, Marty Singer, claims it was all just a misunderstanding and she still has joint custody.

Fox News reports that Cruella had asked the court for permission to enroll her son in a school near her house in Los Angeles. Her son currently goes to school in Northern California, where he lives with his daddy. The judge obviously felt it was stupid for Cruella's son to be pulled out of school for really no reason, so he rejected her request because he felt Phil "can provide a more structured continuity, stable, secure and consistent home for the child."

The court documents state that Sharon still has visitation rights and other shit. Something in the milk ain't clean about all of this. Phil can still have sole custody with Sharon getting visitation rights. How could it be a misunderstanding? The better question is: What should I have for lunch?

A judge in California has ruled that Cruella de Stone will no longer share joint custody of her son Roan with her ex-husband Phil Bronstein. Cruelle has lost joint custody and Phil has been granted sole physical custody.

In October 2004, the court gave Phil and Cruella joint custody of Roan. Cruella recently filed papers asking for changes to the arrangement, but she still wanted to keep joint custody. Entertainment Tonight reports that the court denied her requests because she "failed to meet her burden of proof." Whatever that means.

The judge said that the ruling is permanent unless circumstances change.

Phil and Cruella were married in 1998. They adopted Roan in 2000. They divorced in 2004. Cruella also adopted two other sons, Laird Vonne Stone and Quinn Kelly. Roan, Laird and Quinn? They sound like characters in "The Legend of Zelda."

You better believe that Cruella isn't going to let this go! Nobody screws with her and gets away with hit. She's probably on the phone with the grouchy Komodo dragon that bit off Phil's big toe! She wants that mean old Komodo dragon to strike again!

On second thought, that Komodo dragon was probably made into a purse for Cruella shortly after he chomped off Phil's toe, but she'll get her revenge somehow!

Cruella de Stone has reportedly wrapped her venus fly vag around 24-year-old Chase Dreyfous. Earlier this week, InTouch (via SFGate) reported that Chase has been bragging to his friends that he's banging the cougar with a heart of stone. I'm not completely sure, but methinks this is Chase out with Sharon last night. Couldn't she have nabbed a 24-year-old who doesn't look like a used car salesman masquerading as some Hollywood big shot. That suit screams Men's Wearhouse clearance sale.

And if he's 24, I'm fucking 2-years-old. Actually, that would make sense. I still piss my panties from time to time and I love Gerber's Bananas Baby Food. It's fucking delicious with a bit of rum.

Here's more of Cruella and her not so much of a boy "toy" at Beso last night. Notice how Cruella is wearing animal print. That's not a print though. It's the skin of an extremely rare Periwinkle Snow Leopard who lives in the mountains of Malibu. Well, used to live in the mountains of Malibu. There was only one in the world and Cruella is now wearing it. R.I.P. Periwinkle Snow Leopard.