Dr. Drew

Dr. Drew is used to dealing with dozed off drunks who are trying to force themselves into a long coma to get away from having words with him, but he was unable to tame Honey Boo Boo Chile. Little Debbie's second cousin twice removed at the baked goods auction went on Dr. Drew's show with the ten buckets of fried fun that is Mama June and she wasn't having any of it. When Dr. Drew started asking her questions, Honey Boo Boo did what everybody should do when Dr. Drew starts asking you questions: PLAY DEAD! But eventually, Honey Boo Boo woke up and said that she hates being on TV and hates it when fans come up to her.

So let's see, Honey Boo Boo doesn't like interviews and hates her fans? The hillbilly Kristen Stewart has been found!

And I'm still waiting for Dr. Drew to issue a statement saying that Honey Boo Boo is obviously hooked on ludes and he'll be happy to help her on the new season of Celebrity Rehab coming to Vh1 next Spring!

via HuffPo

On The View yesterday morning (click here to see that mess, try to ignore Pimp Mama Kris), Dr. Drew, who holds a PhD in fame whoring, finally broke his silence on the state of Angie Jolie's nutrition and said that he can no longer keep his mouth shut about the health of a skinny trick he has never treated. Dr. Drew is so good that he can diagnose a bitch through pictures and by reading reports in the highly credible medical journal we all know as UsWeekly. Dr. Drew is obviously the only doctor anybody listens to, so he's letting it be known that he thinks Angie is dangerously close to shriveling away until the only thing that's left of her is that attention whore right leg (because it's going to haunt us forever).

"It's another condition where, I saw that, and I spoke up about it on my HLN program, because I felt I had to. I am tired of keeping quiet about this stuff. When I was quiet about the prescription drug use and everybody started dying, and now I feel an obligation to speak up. She's malnourished. She has the stigmata of malnutrition. There are reports, Us Weekly reported she was doing it to make a statement about the kids in Africa that she was working with that didn't have a chance to eat. Who knows what the reason is. I just see malnutrition there and we shouldn't look at that as an ideal of beauty is what I'm saying. She's a beautiful woman, but she needs to be better nourished."

"I'm tired of keeping quiet!" - Dr. Drew

"We're tired of you NOT keeping quiet!" - The World

Dr. Drew is supposed to be the greatest doctor since Dr. Quinn and the best shit he can come up with is that Angie Jolie is malnourished? Anybody who isn't a member of a thinspo journal can see that Angie's got pencil dick arms and needs to take an eatin' tour or twenty with Jessica Simpson. Dr. Drew is Dr. DUH. But you know, maybe the wise words of the all-knowing Dr. Fame Whore had an effect on Angie (no, they didn't), because here she is at McDonald's with Brad Pitt today. Dr. Drew is so going to take credit for Angie sniffing two McDonald's fries instead of one.

Dr. Drew's insightful interview with Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison about their unjustified deportation from the pumpkin patch for smearing the innocent retinas of children with their full-blown skankness was a ratings goldmine (not really) and is said to be the frontrunner for a Peabody Award (no, it's not), and so he has brought them back for another future award-winning piece of high-brow journalism. Christiane Amanpour, get yourself some Visine, girl, because I see the envy trickling out of your eyes.

In an episode airing on Monday, Dr. Drew is finally going to answer the question we've all been asking. No, the question I'm talking about is not why hasn't Dr. Drew dropped a 5150 on Courtney for driving the world into insanity with her mind-boggling beauty. Dr. Drew is going to take an ultrasound probe to chichis of the 17-year-old velociraptor who Doug found stuck in the Rock of Love Bus' septic tank. Courtney has always said that her chesticle sacks are 100% organic like the rest of her and now Dr. Drew is finally going to find out the true answer to one of life's greatest mysteries.

Oh, that fame whoring Dr. Drew is always finding new ways to terrify us. Why do I have a feeling that as soon as the tech started the titty ultrasound, she looked at the screen and blacked the shit out American Horror Story-style.

Dr. Drew isn't going to reveal the results of his investigative report until Monday, but I'm pretty sure the only things they find in Courtney's titties are a couple push-up bras her nipples sucked in, a few alien fetuses, her original birth certificate and a key to Mesopotamia.

The broken condom baby of Wiploc and Candy from Earth Girls Are Easy and her pedomonster husband were on Dr. Drew's Lifechangers (aka Celebrity Rehab orientation) today to talk in detail about the greatest injustice since Rosa Parks was kicked off that bus! Yes, two spotlight eaters nobody should care about were on a national television show to talk about something nobody should care about and here I am caring about it. I'm suddenly beginning to see the effects that eating dead flies off the window sill as a child did to my brain.

I'll admit that I have Taco Bell meat for brains, but isn't Dr. Drew supposed to be a damn doctor with framed degrees on his wall and shit? Dr. Drew is calmly sitting there as a talking skin graft and a beautiful cracked out hairspray bubble go on and on about getting kicked out of a stupid pumpkin patch, because "the children" were getting scarred by their slutty fuckery. Dr. Drew never quietly leaned over to hit a button that opens a trap door under Courtney and Doug and drops them into an underground mental hospital. Dr. Drew never snapped for two men to bring the straitjackets. Dr. Drew did shit!

I'm going to give Dr. Drew the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't only have Courtney and Doug on his show for ratings. I'm going to say that after this taping, Dr. Drew left a trail of Playboy pink lipstick from Courtney's dressing room to the back of a padded van.

via Celebuzz

When Dr. Drew called St. Angie Jo a heroin addict whose relationship with Brad Pitt will eventually end in a nuclear explosion that will turn the Great Pyramids to dust and cause the oceans to flood onto land, he was only speaking hypothetically and says his words were never supposed to be seen by public eyes. So basically, a naked Brangeloonie duct taped themselves to a homemade cross in front of Dr. Drew's house and refused to move until he said he was sowwy. Or maybe Maddox threw the severed head of one of Jennifer Aniston's Beanie Babies on Dr. Drew's front porch. Note to Maddox: Dr. Drew got the message.

Dr. Drew tells Radar that his words were taken out of context and he was speaking in a hypothetical exercise and merely used Brangie as an example. HYPOTHETICALLY! You know, just like how Brangie's lawyers threatened Dr. Drew by saying that hypothetically St. Angie could send her army of Brangeloonies to his house to drag him down to the dungeon of Malchiah where he'll spend the rest of his days in MISERABLE LONELINESS! Hypothetically, of course.

Here's Dr. Drew's apology and explanation:

"These comments were taken completely out of context (and) they were never meant to be printed. I do not know Brad or Angelina (and) I certainly don't want to be saying things that could be perceived as hurtful for them, or harmful for them in any way. I'm deeply concerned and apologetic and apologize for these comments that were taken out of context.

I don't know these people, I don't know the facts. Literally as though one was speculating, just going through an exercise of speculation and not some sort of analysis that was supposed to be factual or for public discourse... I could not be more upset and disturbed that these things were printed as though I was making some sort of categorical analysis of people I really don't know. I wish them the best, I hope they do well, enjoy the holidays with their kids and have a nice time. I wish them no ill, believe me... I'm sorry these comments were taken out of context and made public."

But you probably didn't read one word above, because you're too busy staring at Dr. Drew's peen lips print in the picture above. It looks like it's trying to spit out water.

It's a slow week and the flu is fucking me not-so-gently and refusing to stop, so now seems like a good time to read what Dr. Drew has to say about what will happen when the holy duality of Brangelina breaks into a million pieces. For some reason, HuffPo asked Dr. Drew to give his opinion on everyone from Miley Cyrus ("She's in trouble") to Kelsey Grammer ("I can't make sense of it") and this is what he said about Brangie:

Just add up a couple things. There's no such thing as 'I was a heroin addict.' That doesn't exist in nature. Something is going on with [her] addiction. Or she's in recovery. And I don't see any evidence that's the case. So we've got one person who's a heroin addict. Which is a chronic lifelong condition, period. We have another person who has said things like, "Well, Jennifer [Aniston] was into long-term relationships, that's just her way of looking at things." I mean, that demeaning attitude towards other people's emotions. Now put those two people together and you have got a really volatile situation. And they're constantly creating things to weld themselves together. Which is only going to serve to make a more nuclear eruption. There will be some sort of meltdown that will be phenomenal when it does happen.

Dr. Drew's right. When Brangie breaks, so will the world. The Four Horsemen will be replaced by Jennifer Aniston's lonely vagina squirting FUCK YES juices for the first time in years and the swarm of locusts will be replaced by the blood and tears of rabid Brangeloonies who have nothing to live for anymore. But more importantly, can somebody please ask Dr. Drew if it's okay if I drink the used water in my Vicks Vapor Humidifier? With whiskey, of course.