Brian Austin Green

No, Brian Austin Green's nostrils aren't inhaling two servings of Megan Fox's pregnancy farts. Brian Austin Green's facial expression dial is permanently stuck on "Snarling Bulldog."

The world's most prolific philosopher and Forever David Silver To Me never opened up their mouths to say that he put a Silver Baby in her Fox Womb, but they basically confirmed it with some completely natural and not-at-all staged pictures that weren't taken in front of a "tropical landscape" background at a Sears Portrait Studio. If anything, those pictures were TOO natural.

Well, when it came time for Brian Austin Green to lure his Silver Fox baby out of Megan Fox's uterus by singing an a capella version of "You're So Precious To Me," I didn't think they'd announce it since they are so private and all (insert rolling of eye here). I figured they'd just do what my 14-year-old cousin did. One day she told me she was just getting fat and the next day she had a newborn baby in her arms and I was like, OK! Megan didn't do that. Megan went on Facebook (via USWeekly) today to announce the birth of her first son and Brian Austin Green's second son.

We have been very lucky to have had a peaceful few weeks at home, but I would like to release this myself before others do. I gave birth to our son Noah Shannon Green on September 27th. He is healthy, happy, and perfect.

We are humbled to have the opportunity to call ourselves the parents of this beautiful soul and I am forever grateful to God for allowing me to know this kind of boundless, immaculate love.

Thanks to those of you who wish to send your positive energy and well wishes. May God bless you and your families abundantly.

Noah Shannon Green is lucky for 3 reasons:

1. Noah Shannon Green will have biceps on his eyes from constantly rolling his seeing balls while his mom mouth shits out her usual words of wisdom.

2. If Noah Shannon Green wants to be the star player of his Irish church's golf league, he already has the name for it.

3. Noah Shannon Green will inherit all of his father's hottest ensembles from the 90s. I hope Little NSG wears ensemble #6 to his first day at Harvard. (NSG's mother is the smartest woman in the world so he's skipping grade, junior and high school and going directly to graduate school!)

Prolific philosopher, highly respected cinema thespian, skilled bikini car washer and gringa chola leader Megan Fox, seen here having a brain queef while wondering if her hero Nietzsche drank Miller Lite or Rolling Rock back in the day, might be carrying the spawn of David Silver (real-life born name: Brian Austin Green) in the only part of her body that hasn't been completely Botoxed: her uterus!

Some source close to the couple (aren't they always a source close to the couple) has sent a shiver up the spine of humanity by saying that in just a few months, a real human baby will look up at Megan's vacuum sealed face and say "I'm" before looking at the face of David Silver and saying "fucked!" The source says that Megan barely has a bubble of a fetus in her body, but she's already told a few people and now the source is telling the world through Star Magazine:

"They just found out and are incredibly excited. It's still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members. She has really grown in the past couple of years. Megan used to only be concerned with her career, but now family comes first."

In all seriousness, Megan Fox is a stepmom to BAG's son with Vanessa Marcil, Kassius, and as far as I know that boy has never run to CPS to cry about how she's beating his brain by dropping her words of wisdom into his ear before bedtime, so I'm sure she'll be a wonderful mother to little Nietzsche Jr. Silver Fox. Besides this is good news, because Megan needs to be reminded about what her original face looked like. Two toe thumbs up to that!

While paparazzo Delbert Shaw took these pictures of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox in Hawaii two Decembers ago, he had no idea that he was about to get a beating courtesy of the douche weasel who poked out Donna Martin's cherry. Years of wearing the fugliest shirts Structure has to offer filled David Silver with a quiet rage and he unleashed it all over Delbert as Megan Fox cheered him off. That's what Delbert claims, anyway. TMZ says that in a lawsuit filed this morning in L.A., Delbert claims that Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox verbally assaulted his ass before issuing a beat down on him.

Delbert says that after BAG and Megan caught him taking pictures of them, they started yelling out all kinds of curse words at him. Shit got serious after Megan shouted at BAG, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" That was Brian's cue to jump on Delbert and punch him out. As BAG beat on Delbert, Megan kept egging him on. Once BAG finished smearing a pap, he stole Delbert's iPhone and threw it into the ocean.

BAG and Megan haven't responded to this mess yet. Delbert is of course suing for unspecified damages.

Who knew that Megan Fox was a chola leader?! Bitch not only ordered the hit, but she also stood there cheering BAG on as he whooped a trick. Let's call her La Gato Face. But seriously, I'm all for beating a ho when the situation calls for it (example: when your friend plays the new Justin Bieber song in the car without warning you first), but this is not one of those situations. Megan and BAG didn't handle it right. BAG should've sat the pap down at a table across from Megan Fox and made him listen to the nauseating words of shit wisdom that come pouring out of her mouth. It would've taken all of 6 seconds for Delbert to bang his head on the table until his brains started coming out of his nostrils. We've all been there after reading a Megan Fox quote. Why bust your fist into a pap's skull when you can let Megan Fox's words do it for you?

The question mark is shoved into that headline, because in some pictures the most prolific prophet of our time Megan Fox looks like she was left behind on a deserted island by a banana party boat and is trying to figure out how to spell S.O.S. on the sand while her body slowly nibbles on the silicone in her titties for some kind of nourishment. And in other pictures, she looks like she's simply trying to piss in the ocean but the pap's lens is making her bladder all shy-like. Actually, some of you might be into that (I'm not here to judge) so mentally erase that question mark if that's the case.

And if Megan's double-spaced chichis don't do it for you, here's also some pictures of David Silver's bulge which would look a lot better in a Donna Martin Graduates thong.