TV

Fox is expected to announce that 24's time is finally up and its 8th season will be its last. This is what Variety says. They are saying that Fox will release a statement in the next couple of days announcing that 24 has been canceled. I guess this isn't exactly pube-pulling news and many saw it coming.

Apparently, 24's ratings aren't what they used to be and the show costs too much to produce. Fox also wants to begin production on a 24 movie and they can't go forward with this until the show is off the air.

I don't think I've seen one episode of 24, but I have a friend (yes, I have one friend) who is on that shit like a wolverine on a tree. One time I called him to go and get a waffle cone with me and his response was, "Fuck off. 24 is on." So the next time I invite him out for a waffle cone, I can say, "Fuck on. 24 is off!"

And I'm re-thinking the title of this post. I think the Christmas trees have lost. Now that Kiefer Sutherland has more free time, he will most likely spend his days and nights tackling any Christmas tree he comes across!

QUICK! Get all the Christmas trees to the safe house. By the "safe house," I mean my mom's backyard. Seriously, every year my mom always misses the deadline for Christmas tree pick-up, so she just throws it in her backyard with the others. It's like a refugee camp for Christmas trees back there.

Yesterday morning, NBC's Chairman Jeff Gaspin fucked us all with the DUH stick by saying that Jay Leno will move his chin out of the 10pm slot on February 12th. Once the Winter Olympics finishes up, Jay will sit down in his new home at 11:35pm. Jeff went on to say that NBC is hoping Conan O'Brien will stay on as host of The Tonight Show, which will start at 12:05am (more like The Tomorrow Show). Jimmy Fallon's talk show will shoot itself up in the eyeballs with meth so it can stay awake for the 1:05am slot. However, all of this is up in the air, because Conan has yet to give the thumbs up to it.

The New York Post says that it's likely Conan will take his thumb and shove it up the peacock's ass. Last night, Conan apparently had a meeting with FOX about hosting a late-night show there. A source close to Conan said, "This level of shittiness was not expected. He's done a great job for NBC. He moved his entire staff, he moved his family to LA. And five months later, they repay him like this? Conan would be happier somewhere else."

If the Chicago Sun-Times is right, then it sounds like Conan could be much happier scratching his nalgas on his sofa while catching up on his stories. That's because if Conan decides to quit NBC and not move to another network, the peacock will have to buy him out of his contract by writing him a check for $80 million ($20 million per year for the remaining 4 years). And even if Conan does go to another network, NBC might still have to cut him a yearly check. Let's say FOX agrees to pay Conan $10 million a year, NBC will have to put another $10 million in his cleavage to fulfill the terms of his contract with them. Basically, the ginge will still be pissing liquid gold no matter what happens.

If I was Conan, I'd just move my talk show to public access for $1 a year, and air nothing but masturbating bear for a half hour. Actually, scratch that. If anybody wants to watch a bear masturbating for thirty minutes, they'd just tune into NBC at 11:35pm (STARTING THIS MARCH!!!!1!1!!1!).

Yesterday, TMZ said that NBC is moving Jay Leno out of his 10pm home to make way for The Biggest Loser: Toddler Edition. I made that last part up, but I hope it turns out to be true. We need more fat toddlers on TV. Anyway, their source claimed that Leno is sliding back into the 11:30pm slot, leaving Conan O'Brien's future at NBC up in the air. Well, TMZ has a little more information today.

According to their source (who probably looks like this), NBC has given Conan two options. Conan can either jump back a few places to the 12 to 1 slot. Or Conan can go to the trash room, pick out the sturdiest-looking cardboard box, return to his office and collect his things. If Conan goes with the latter, Leno's show will be a full hour. If Conan goes with the former, Leno's show will be thirty minutes.

Conan's team has told NBC that he's considering the offer. However, Conan's people are probably roasting marshmallows on his ass cheeks, because the ginge is fuming mad. Conan does not appreciate the peacock shitting all over his head without warning. If a peacock threw a diarrhea party on your head without asking first, you would be mad too.

And over at CBS, the female interns must be wearing burkas and Nixon masks, because Letterman has probably had an erection for the past 24-hours.

Or the better question would be, why does Nicole Richie hate herself so much?

So, Nicole is currently working on her own scripted comedy series for ABC. Nicole is planning to star in that shit as some business woman (copyright: Lisa Wu Hartwell) trying to juggle her professional life with her personal life. Think Ally McBeal but with a different skinny ho in the title role.

All that sounds fine and everything, but now The National Enquirer (via M&C) is saying that Nicole wants Asshole Simpson to be her co-star. This must be the work of the DEVIL (better known to you and me as Papa Joe).

A source said, "Nicole adores Ashlee, and she truly believes in her talent.With few other prospects on the horizon, Ashlee - who desperately wants to establish herself as an actress - was feeling down until Nicole stepped up."

Take a can of RAID to this mess! Ashlee barely got evicted from our TV screens and Nicole wants to drag her back to torture us more with her pube-pulling acting skills. There must be more to this. Maybe Nicole really wants to make into the Guinness World Records for having a TV show that was canceled before the promos even hit YouTube. If that's the case, Nicole is definitely on track.

Here's the bomb in Nicole's soon-to-be TV show strolling around NYC with Bronx Mowgli and Pete Wentz.

When are we going to start a foundation to help the endangered species known as the soap opera? They are all thirstay and in dire need of a drop of water in the form of 300,000 viewers at least. Unfortunately, it's too late for As The World Turns and it will breathe its last breath in September 2010. CBS issued this statement:

As The World Turns, the long-running daytime drama, will complete its final season on the CBS Television Network in September 2010. CBS has decided not to renew the show for the 2010/2011 broadcast season, thereby ending its 54-year run on the Network.

"Throughout our history, As The World Turns has remained dedicated to sharing compelling stories that have entertained fans for more than five decades," said Executive Producer Chris Goutman. "We are disappointed and saddened by the news that the show is not being renewed. It will certainly be a loss for all of us, and for the show's loyal audience."

You better tightly hug your favorite soap opera of choice, because it might be next! This is terrible news, because this means there will be less catfights, man stealing, baby switching and gold digging on TV.

And ATWT really tried! They did. They even had a dude-on-dude action on their show:

Usually, gay sex SAVES everything, but not in this case. Oh, gay sex, you have disappointed me so! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME (No, you aren't. I just said that for theatrical purposes).

The executives over at FOX obviously didn't learn anything from the shit show that was Emeril!, because they have decided to develop a half-hour comedy sitcom based on The Dog Whisperer. FOX needs a new pack leader.

Wilmer Valderrama, who is best known for dating every young vagina in Hollywood, will play the title role. Emily Kapnek, one of the executive producers of Hung, will write and direct the show. The real dog whisperer Cesar Milan will serve as one of the producers.

Wilmer probably thinks he's perfect for this, because in his mind his peen has tamed hundreds of bitches. You know he totally calls himself The Vagina Whisperer.

And Wilmer does have a lot of experience working with slobbery beasts who dry hump anything that stands since he worked with Ashton Kutcher for all those years. So, I guess this sort of makes sense (not really).

Source: Variety

Once a-fuckin-gain, True Blood has been screwed over (not and in a sexy way)! Last year, the Golden Globes gave True Blood a big slice of FU pie and now the Emmy whores have served up a second piece.

The Emmy nominations were announced this morning and True Blood failed to get nominated in any of the major categories. Who does a bitch have to glamour in order to get at least one big nomination?! Even Lafayette's nalgas should have been nominated. I mean, they probably gave a better performance than William Shatner and his pepaw ass got nominated AGAIN for Boston Legal. They even overlooked Randi Sue from True Blood and that trick got effed in an alleyway while Tara poured trash all over her head. It was a truly inspired performance!

I'll have to work on a letter to all Emmy voters asking them why they are prejudiced against vampires.....and hot whores who get dicked in alleyways. Breeeeeathe. Anyway....

The Family Guy got nominated for Outstanding Comedy Series making it the first cartoon since The Flinstones to get a nomination. Lisa Simpson is giving the meanest shank-eye ever.

In prettier Emmy news, 30 Rock got the most nominations with 22. And Katherine HAGel was not nominated even through she tried to bring the raw emotion in a big way. HA. HA. HA. and HA. Unfortunately, the Emmys don't have a"Worst Annoying Hagface Who is Made Entirely of Nicotine" category, because Hagel would be a shoo-in for that one (GONG!).

A list of some of the major nominations is after the jump. Click here to see a full list. JUMP!!!

Since Nicolette Sheridan is no longer whoring up Desperate Housewives, they are in dire need of a resident slut, so they decided to cast Drea de Matteo (that's Adriana La Cerva to most of you hos) as a ho-ey matriarch of a new Italian family. EW's Michael Ausiello says that Drea will stick around all next season and they are currently trying to find a piece to play her husband.

While I enjoyed Drea's work in Prey For Rock & Roll and Joey (served on a bed of scalding hot sarcasm), she is not worthy of filling Edie's vibrator. Or should I say she's not worthy of being filled by Edie's vibrator.

You know what shit show Drea would be perfect on? The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Fuck that Wisteria Lane bullshit. Danielle needs a partner in fuckery and Drea is just the one! Together they can destroy Grandma Wrinkle's twin and her sister Don Vito Caroline.

For those of you skanks who have not finished season 1 of True Blood yet, might want to skip right off of this post, because I might drop a spoiler or two. And my inbox has met its daily quota for "Damn you motherfucker" e-mails. Save it for tomorrow.

All the promo shit I've seen for the second season of True Blood has been missing a very important bitch: LAFAYETTE! Yes, I already know that Lafayette is de-de-de-dead. Some dumb ho who read the series already told my ass that he gets killed off in book two. I still don't want to believe it's true! There has to be a way for Lafayette to return! Can't they make his ass a bitchy zombie? This cannot be the end for Lafayette!!!! Oh well. It was nice to see pictures of his ass at the premiere last night even though he was dressed like the "cool" substitute English teacher in high school.

Here's a few more pictures from last night. They are in order (by character name): LAFAYETTE, a tall glass of Swedish milk, Jason Stackhouse, Vampire Bill, Sookie GAPhouse, Tara, Maryann, Rene and the cast.

Time out. Mark-Paul Gosselaar needs to dress like this for the rest of his life! Katie Holmes needs to take notes, this is how you wear rolled jeans the right away. Under the lip.

Last night on Jimmy Fallon, Zack Morris returned to our lives! Zack appeared to promote some basic cable show he's on and to also confirm that he will be a part of The Saved By The Bell reunion Jimmy has been trying to put together. Kelly Kapowski and Screech are the only hos who have not yet agreed to the reunion. How has Kelly not RSVPed yet? She knows in her heart of hearts that she belongs with Zack. ~True love~

Below is Zack's entire appearance on the show. He even sings "Friends Forever." It's kind of not the same without the original members of Zack Attack, but it will do for now until we get the real thing. To be honest, this is kind of effing with my head. I'm so excited....I'm so excited...I'm so....scared.