Gay

Let the sparkly fairy dust fall all over of you as you look at these precious pictures of American Idol's Adam Lambert skipping through the rainbows. Yeah, if didn't know Adam liked the peen, then you need to drop your gaydar off at the shop for fixing. My gaydar shut down when Adam first popped up on my screen.

Vote For the Worst posted a few pictures of Adam sticking his tongue out in another dude's mouth. Pictures like this are never a good idea. I mean, that shit never looks hot! We've all taken them, because we think it makes us look like sex kittens, but it doesn't! It looks like he's barfing into that tiny gay's mouth! Well, he sort of is barfing. Barfing shiny rainbows! May the unicorns frolic!

I did know Adam was gayer than my MAC lip glass-covered no-no (it makes it extra sexy), but I didn't know he was a raver! These pictures of him at Burning Man brings back the memories. Where's my pacifier and glow stick? It's time to fucking roll.

Adam should really perform on Idol as his drag queen alter ego. Homegirl is more of a woman than Paula Abdul will ever be. By the way, the 4th thumbnail may make your asspussy pucker until the dicks come home. A little warning.

Jakey Gyllenhaal will finally get the chance to sing and dance his little girl heart out in a big gay musical! My asshole is blowing rainbow-covered bubbles in anticipation! Variety says that Jakey and Jim Carrey in the big-screen version of the Broadway musical Damn Yankees for New Line.

In case you don't take it up the butt, let me fill you in on what Damn Yankees is about. You see, some fat old slob named Joe Boyd who dreams of seeing the Yankees get beat by the Senators at the World Series. The devil appears and offers to make Boyd's baseball dreams come true in exchange for his soul. Boyd agrees and is transformed into the hunky piece of hot meat known as Joe Hardy, a slugger for the Senators. Boyd loves his new life but misses sis hag of a wife Meg. He starts to have second thoughts about the whole thing. Boyd is able to break the contract before the end of the World Series, so the devil sends a hot slut named Lola to try and seduce him into keeping the deal.

Jim Carrey will play the devil and Jakey will shake his nalgas as Joe Hardy. Yes, Jakey wearing a jock strap in the middle of a locker room filled with naked dudes. This shit is one step closer to realizing your dream of Jakey starring a hardcore gay porn. Damn YANK ME!

Basically, Charo was born to coochie coo as Lola. That role belongs to her. Or La Pequena.

Dlisted is so gay that every time you come to this shit, you see sparkly rainbows and unicorns everywhere, but wouldn't you like to see that on every site? Now you can with this amazing website called Cornify. It's like I queefed all over your monitor. Glitter everywhere! It fixes everything.

I mean, look at Mickey Rourke. Instead of looking like a clay beast, he looks like a beautiful fairy princess who is here to give you a gift box filled with fantastic dreams!

Do you ever feel dirty and guilty while looking at porn? Cornify the screen and suddenly you'll feel as pure as a fetus.

Let me co-sign a comment made by a Cornify user: "The internet is done, we can all go home and congratulate ourselves on a job well done." And that's the sparkly truth!

VIA URLesque

You might want to push your dropped jaw off of your keyboard so you can write, "FUCK ME THRICE! I"M SHOCKED" about the news that Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block loves ze juicy cock in his mouth. I know, this bombshell shook me so hard that I think it turned me straight. But a quick glance at JcPenney's men's panty section will turn me gay again.

The news that everyone in the world and their glory hole partner knew about comes courtesy of one of Jonathan's ex-lovahs. Kyle Wilker sold his story and a couple of pictures to The National Enquirer (via Boy Culture). Kyle told the Enquirer, "We had a wonderful relationship. I was in love with him and I believe he was in love with me." Selling out an ex to the entire world is what true love is all about. I wonder why it didn't work? Must have been Jonathan's fault, because Kyle sounds like a perfect fucking peach. May cocks never get hard in his mouth again for pulling this shit!

Kyle said Jonathan realized he wanted dudes after dating Tiffany. Tiffany just didn't have the right stuff....in her pants (GONG!). Well, listening to "Could've Been" does make your a-hole twitter a bit and fart glitter. So that's understandable.

So...now that we've gotten that out of the way. Who's next? My strong dollars are on Bryan from Color Me Badd. Those eyebrows cannot tell a lie.

At last night's Knicks game in NYC, Chuck Bass and that Vanessa bitch from Gossip Girlfriends (as my mom calls it) continued the fakery by "kissing" in the audience while they were probably on the damn Jumbotron. Chucks Bass' powers of imagination are obviously stronger than Vanessa's. He's kissing on her like she's Chace Crawford's freshly shaved and perfumed asshole. And Vanessa isn't even trying. Chuck Bass is trying to give your lips a rim job! She could at least pucker up like she's got a dick and fucking try. She's getting paid for it!

I'm totally getting a "Level 1 Stepford Katie" vibe from that Vanessa bitch. She's not a full-grown beard yet. She's like a goatee.

And I have a really important question for everyone. Why the fuck is Cheech Fucking Marin sitting behind these two twats?! He's the better half of Cheech & Chong. Pepaw should be in the front.

Whenever I stare at Tommy Girl long enough I start to see a gay ass pink bunny rabbit before me, so it's funny to me that this bitch wasn't allowed into the Valkyrie premiere in Berlin. The homorabbit even wore Tommy's eye patch from the movie, but he forgot to put a dead brown poodle on his head. They seriously threw a pink gay bunny off the red carpet. That's Sharon Stone cold. I guess Tommy wants to be the only crazy bitch at his own party.

Stepford Katie was also there looking more demonic in the face than ever. Her lipstick looks like butt grease. You can look at Tommy for that. He probably scooted on her face.

And if you look at the close-ups of Tommy, it really looks like he's getting double-fisted. Real talk: his butt plug probably just shifted.

SJP has had it with Matthew Broderick's lies, cheating and drama! Well, that's what you deal with when you're shacking up with a gay. And she also probably got sick of his fresh dick cheddar breath and constant use of jazz hands. Seriously, I picture Matthew Broderick using jazz hands for everything. When he says "good morning," when he says "goodnight" and especially when he pops one. Actually, when he orgasms, he does the Rockette kick followed by jazz hands and a curtsy.

SJP is getting sick of all that drama queen shit, so she's moving the fuck out of their big gay townhouse. That's what Star Magazine claims anyway. Their sources said SJP has hired a broker and is looking for her own apartment. "Sarah's not stupid. She knows exactly what's going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They're essentially living separate lives. They spent the holidays with him, pretending to be happy. SJP is a great actress when she has to be!"

I wish I could make a bitch about that "great actress" comment, but even I have to admit that her performance in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was riveting.

Why does she have to move out?! Isn't she's the one who's putting carrots and sugar cubes on the table? Besides, it wasn't cheap to install that stable and trough in the basement. He should get his jazz hand-loving ass out of there and into a Chelsea studio with a small kitchenette like a real gay!

And it makes sense that Miley's "first kiss" is with a homo dude's chin.

Before we get into this tragic tale of getting beat down at the Vadge concert, can we discuss the picture above. Is that mega peen or pocket gas? If it's the former, Patrick Wolf has just earned a place on my "No-No's Most Wanted" list. I can ignore his Tinkerbell fell in a dumpster look as long as the peen is major.

Okay, so if you're going to a Vadge concert, you should expect to be surrounded by shiny gayness. The gayness in the air should be so thick that you'll start to cough up glitter. That's not the case and singer (and frequent guest on my iTunes playlist) Patrick Wolf learned this the hard way.

In an interview with Electroqueer, Patrick said he was trying to get a little sugar from his boyfriend at Vadge's gun show, when he was told by security that he needs to stop that funny shit, because prudes were bitching about it. Patrick said:

"Three songs in, me and my man were kissing and there were loads of conservative straight couples around us that complained. And then the bouncers came up to me and said, 'Can you stop that? This is a family venue.' No joke...

The bouncer said, 'You know we can do this the easy way or the violent way' and I said, 'I'm staying so you do whatever you want.' And then they just grabbed both of us. We were beaten up outside Wembley, handcuffed. These guys were like football bouncers. The police came and it just went on and on and on. My man's face covered in blood. I couldn't move for like a month. I had to lie in bed on painkillers for ages. They totally twisted my arm and my legs - it was just mad.

They are currently researching the CCTV - it's just really nuts. We basically got beaten up by the police. You know it means I can't be bothered to listen to Madonna ever again - which is good because it means I have more time for better music. You live and you learn.

You get into scraps with bouncers the whole time, but that was one step up because there were like seven of them and they just wanted to have a go because they were bored. There was a lot of quite homophobic shit going down which I was really pissed about seeing - it was a Madonna concert, y'know!"

Now I have another reason to never go to a Vadge show again! The first reason is that I really don't want to take a second mortgage on my mom's house to buy a ticket. And now I've learned that if you go, you might end your night in an hospital where you have to shit in a bag because you got your ass kicked so badly. It's bad enough that I have to go caca in a bag in the comfort of my own house, but in a hospital with everyone watching? Too much.

Seriously, how is the Vadge show a family event? CPS better come knocking on your screen door if you take your kids to that shit. Who cares about the cursing and sex! It's her Gremlin-crotch that will give your children night terrors for the rest of their lives. They'll wake up screaming about the toothy clit coming to get them!

Thanks Emily

UPDATE: Before you start to read this shit, a rep for Blue Man Group told TMZ that the dude in this story is lying and he's not a member of their group of blue men who throw toilet paper rolls at audience members. The police in Chicago said that dumb dumbs lie on their arrest reports all the time and they haven't done a background check on the possibly faux Blue Man yet. Maybe he meant Blew Man? That would make more sense. It's still fucking hilarious because who pretends to be a Blue Man? The dude's real name is probably Tobias Funke. And now here's the original story:

File this under: This shit was made for puns. PUNS!!!

Two dudes were busted by the cops in Chicago last night for trying to bust nuts in a public park. One of the men is an actor in Blue Man Group. His name is Darren Stephens. Samantha, come get this bitch! Endora does not approve.

The other dude's name is Michael Pressler and he's an assistant principal at Maine East High School. Wiki says the high school's color is blue and their mascot is the Blue Demon. Don't you love it when these things write themselves?

According to the Daily Herald, the Blow Blue Man was caught blowing the assistant principal on a park bench at a lakefront park on Chicago's North Side at around 5:45pm. They were arrested and charged with getting sexay while on Chicago Park property.

Get ready to hit the gong..... Obviously, both dudes were left with a serious case of "blue" balls. GONG!

Seriously, who the fuck sucks dick at 5:45pm on a park bench? Don't look at me! Don't! If you need to get dirty at 5:45 in the evening, take your act to a bush, a public bathroom or even a sewer tunnel (don't judge). Bench sucking is only for after midnight. Dumb blue motherfucker!

And it's a shame that Darren Stephens wasn't arrested in his Blue Man makeup. That mug shot would rival all fucking mug shots.

Ed Westick's manpussy puckers for David Beckham, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to his wet dream maker when he ran into him at some event.

Ed tells Reveal Magazine (via Radar), "I was at this ball in New York that was so grand David Bowie was sitting at the next table and shook hands with George Clooney.Then I went to the toilet and there was David Beckham. I couldn't say anything, I just ran out. A friend tried to persuade me to say, 'Hello,' but I couldn't do it. It was ridiculous. But I had a Beckham t-shirt when I was a kid and he was the one I watched growing up. There have been a couple of times now that I've been in the same room as him, but I just can't go up to him. I can't do it."

Ed ran out of the bathroom, because it's kind of hard to piss with a boner. Note to Ed: break, shake and then piss. Also, Ed probably never goes up to Becks, because jizzing in his pants at first handshake would probably make a bad first impression.

Since we're on the subject of getting pee shy. I seriously hate pissing in a crowded bathroom with a line of dudes waiting their turn. It sounds sort of sexy in a sick fuck way, but it's far from it. It's the damn worst thing and almost nearly impossible. When I'm standing at a urinal with dudes waiting for me to hurry up and piss, nothing comes out. I try everything. I punch at my bladder, squeeze my peen hole, think of waterfalls and push for dear life. The latter can be dangerous, because sometimes when you're pushing for the piss, you accidentally let out an ass queef in front of everyone. And that's when you just have to zip up, flip everyone off and then run the fuck out of there before you further embarrass yourself anymore.