Kandi Burruss of The Real Housewives of Atlanta knocked the wig off of Kim Zolciak's head when she sued Kim for not giving her a dime of Tardy For The Party's profits. Kim slapped back at Kandi by claiming that she did give Kandi a cut of the profits and now Kandi is slapping back harder. The war between Kandi and Kim is now claiming causalities and those casualties are our ear drums.
Kandi obviously gave Funky Dineva this raw and untouched recording of the wailing wig yodeling out tattered and bruised musical notes while trying to sing "The Ring Didn't Mean A Thing." I guess being on key doesn't mean a thing either. Before you press play, you better prepared to laugh, cry and plug your ears to stop the bleeding. Pressing play will also bring the animal police to your front door, because this sounds like a deaf dog getting choked out. And all those "whoahs" sound like a drowning Joey Lawrence.
Kandi is oh so right for this. Or should I say, Kandi is whoaohwhoahohwhoah so right for this.
Leave it to a jacked up baby name to remind all of us that The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak was still pregnant with her next Life & Style
cover inside blurb. For some reason, my brain dumped out the file drawer in my head labeled "highly important information," because I completely forgot Kim was knocked up with her fourth child. But she was, and yesterday in Atlanta one of her assistants held down her birthin' wig and had a lit cigarette ready when she popped out her second kid with Kroy Biermann. Kim tweeted (via UsWeekly) the news last night and then made Pimp Mama Kris reach for a pre-written cease and desist letter when she spit up the name of her second son:
KASH KADE BIERMANN!!!!!!!!
Kash Kade as in cascade, as in the stuff that knocks the shit off your dishes or the waterfall of miserable tears that will fall out of Kash Kade's tear ducts when he realizes what his name is. Kash Kade sounds like the name of a failed professional wrestler turned DJ at Senor Frogs who decorates his apartment with empty limited-edition Red Bull cans and prides himself on having the most gold chains amongst all his friends. With a name like Kash Kade, that baby was definitely born with a rhinestone grill in his mouth.
And I was joking about Kim and Kanye naming their baby Kash Kade. They're going to be more subtle than that when she butt births out Lucifer's next spawn. Kim and Kanye will name him Ka$h Kardashian, thankyouverymuch.
It seems like the weeks leading up to last night's episode of Don't Be Turdy For The Wedding, Bravo promoted that mess like it was its Who Shot JR Moment? or like they were going to tell us if Michael T. Weiss ever got caught for beating Jennifer Beals' character in that stairwell (Never 4get 2000 Malibu Road). They made it seem like seeing the top of Kim Zolciak's head in its supposed natural state is an important moment in basic cable history. I don't know why. We've seen that bitch wig-less during lesbian days. It's not anything new.
I doubt you care about the details of last night's episode, but I'm going to tell you anyway since I feel like typing and I just want to type to type. (Story of my blog.) Kim's wig tamer Derek J came over the day before her wedding to talk about what she wanted him to do to her bridal wig. Kim really wanted to chav it up for her special pre-divorce ceremony day, but Derek J stuck with the script the producers gave him before they shot the scene and told her she should wear her natural hair. That led to Kim taking her wig off in the other room before coming out without Benji's carcass on her head.
Bitch looked like a 45-year-old assistant manager at a hair salon that specializes in styles from the 90s, but that's besides the point. If that's Kim's real hair, then I have two dicks for nipples. That has to be a wig or at least a nest of weave pieces. I bet Kim wears a wig under her wig just in case somebody snatches the top one off. If you pulled all the layers of wigs off of Kim's head, you'd find a plastic dome with the words "Mattel Inc/1967/Korea" branded into it. And you can't try to convince me otherwise. Clip of that mess below:
UsWeekly asked Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta what kind of shit she carries in her purse (at least they didn't ask her what she keeps in her puss), because they're going hard for that Pulitzer, obviously. Personally, I care more about what Sheree keeps in her rent-to-own Louis Vuitton purse (eviction notices, a shrub costume to hide from bill collectors, a sand castle bucket to build the rest of Chateau Sheeree, Popsicle sticks to build Chateau Sheree's foundation, etc...), but I'm posting this because Kim keeps a very important item in her bag: a child-slapping wooden spoon!
Kim, who obviously read Abuelita's Guide to Whoopin' Ass cover-to-cover, says she's never used the wooden spoon, but brings it out whenever one of her kids sasses her ass. Kim said, "I carry a wooden spoon for my kids if they get fresh. I've never used it; I just pull it out and they know I'm serious."
Right. So we're really supposed to believe that the main purpose of that wooden spoon is to keep her kids in check and it isn't to attack all the Benji dogs who try to rescue one of their own from the top of her head? Okay, whatever, Kim.
If Kim is telling the truth, then she should know that there's no need to carry that wooden spoon around. If she wants to stun her children into silence, she should just sing live or pull out her phone and play this for them. Warning: If you're not like me and haven't played this over and over again for years, keep a wooden spoon handy. You will want to hit yourself in the ears with it.
That is what it sounds like when the devil cries and it really is the love song of our time.
Here's Kim and Kroy (I hate to say I would) at some event last month.
The rent is due on Kim Zolciak's new multi-million dollar mansion and so here she is proudly showing off her dollar sign fetus in this week's Life & Style. The wig-wearing Silicone whore walrus of The Real Trashwives of Atlanta birthed out her son Kroy Jagger ten months ago, but the AA batteries on her relevancy clock are almost drained, so she's pushing out another one while she can still collect a check from L&S. 33-year-old (HA!) Kim is four months pregnant and says that she and her husband Kroy Biermann completely planned this:
"Kroy and I are so excited. To decide we wanted to get pregnant again and have it happen so quickly was such a blessing.
People are going to be shocked, because nobody knows. I'm so excited that KJ will have a little buddy."
That means we're living in a world where a Kuntrashian, Snooki and Kim Zolciak are all carrying spawns at the same time. The celebrity money baby trifecta is complete and the world's power has shifted to the Illuminati. We're now asshole deep in the Fame Whore Age and it's only going to get darker. Don't believe me? Let me remind you of what happened the last time Kim was knocked up with a baby who is now being raised by nannies and reality show producers:
Not today. Not ever.
But in a shocking turn of events, this time she's actually the one married to the married man!
A flock of white doves wearing tiny blond wiglets flew over Atlanta yesterday after 33-year-old (in Courtney Stodden years) Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta married the man who owns the ass that she was creaming at the mouth over all last season. Kim and Atlanta Falcons player Kroy Biermann married on 11/11/11, because her lacefront squeezed her last memory chip out of her brain and those numbers added together make up his IQ, so it's an easy date to remember (but you know those dumb bitches will still forget it).
Life & Style, who paid for the EXCLUSIVO rights for the wedding pictures with a half-full jar of wig glue and an at-home collagen kit, has all the details that I know you give a thousand fucks about:
"This has been the happiest day of my life," Kim exclusively tells Life & Style. "It's been perfect. It's been a dream come true."
As Life & Style previously reported, Kim, 34, and Kroy, 26, got engaged in October after welcoming their first son, Kroy Jagger, together in May.
"He makes me a better person," says Kim. "I love everything about him."
The couple met at a charity function in 2010, during the filming of the third season of the hit Bravo reality series. Kim has two daughters, Brielle and Ariana, from a previous marriage. This is the first marriage for Kroy.
If NeNe, Phaedra, Cynthia and HeRee were there, they probably synchronized their divorce clock watches and made bets on if Kim is going to beat Kim Kardashian's 72 second-long queef of a marriage record. I'll bet that she will. This marriage is going to last about as long as the time she was a lesbian.
Kim will probably have to slap on a divorcin' wig in a few months, but at least 11/11/11 will always be the day that she wore a dress that made her look like her belly button heaved out intestines made of satin. This is the hideous barf spray of a wedding gown that Kim wore and ONTD says that the pre-owned dress cost Kim $58,000.
Yes, 58 fucking thousand dollars for a dress that looks like Liberace shat crystals on a Ballard Designs comforter and then slit its stomach and pulled out all of its satin internal organs. It's like the tackiest satin blood clot you've ever seen. To think, Kim could've had a She by Sheree ORIGINAL and she went with this shit instead? I bet Sheree shook her head at that thought as she collected the centerpieces from each table so she can sell them on eBay and pay her rent next month.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak has earned a NOT RIGHT certificate from the Wig and Weave Association of America by displaying her newborn baby in a state she wouldn't be caught dead in: BALD AND WIGLESS.
Kim showers with a waterproof wig on, because if something should happened she would never want the paramedics to catch her with two stray hairs on her head and a whole lot of exposed scalp pores, but yet she pushes York Reggaj (I refuse to call him Kroy Jagger or K.J.) out with a naked head? While I fire off an anonymous tip to Child Protective Services' baby wig snatching division, you can read what Kim told Life & Style about Baby York.
“I’m just so crazy in love with K.J. – I’m always kissing his big old lips.
The actual delivery itself was very private, very personal. To be in such a happy place with Kroy there, it was definitely very emotional. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I’m 100,000 percent certain that Kroy is the one for me.
I definitely would like one more child. I would love to have K.J. walking by the wedding. He could be the little ring bearer!”
Open the toilet seat, because this is some real shit right here! "Just so crazy in love with K.J."? How dare this wig boning bitch bring Beyonce, the empress of wigs, into this by quoting one of her songs! Kim quotes Beyonce but then goes against her beliefs by not putting a wig on it. Cruel and unusual punishment! Let me be the mother that Kim ain't by trying to right this wrong:
There! Much better and totally not creepy!
One would think that during this crime scene of a photo shoot for Life & Style, Kim Zolciak's unborn baby would've felt the tense foolery in the air and quietly escaped out the back to crawl over to the Duggar's front porch and beg to be taken in. He did not do this. Because CNN (yes, that CNN) brings us the news that yesterday in Atlanta, Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta filled a delivery room with the thick scent of burnt wig glue, charred bronzer, cigarette smoke and salty sweat trickling down Sweetie's forehead as she tried to cover the hospital smoke detectors with wig pieces. Yes, Kim birthed out her third child and her fiance's first.
You better believe that the second that baby's head touched air, Kim was already hooked up to a white wine IV drip and had a lit cigarette hanging out of her mouth. It's called the Zolciak Labor Special. You can request it for your next C-section.
Kim announced the birth of her new son with Kroy Biermann via Twitter and also let everyone know what they wrote on their baby's gift certificate. Beware, it's painful.
@biermann71 and I are happy to announce the birth of our son today Kroy Jagger Biermann is healthy & beautiful We are so in love!
KROY JAGGER?! I don't know if it's cruel or fitting that the name of Kim's son sounds like a $2 drink special at T.G.I. Friday's made of crayfish juice and recycled Jager shots. That poor baby will spend the next few months in a custom-made wiglet and a She by Sheree onesie, and Kim does him another wrong by giving him that name?
If you wrote his name backwards, it sound so much better. York Reggaj! See. That shit sounds like the name of a fancy Dynasty character instead of a cocktail that nobody orders. Poor KJB.
If you took a latex man mask, painted it up like Barbie and then accidentally left it on a hot radiator until it melted off the side a little, it would look just like the face of The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak in this picture for Life & Style. The photographer told Kim to look serene and calm, but the wig hair was blocking her ears and she heard "lifeless" and "melted" instead.
The shot of Kim's face looks like something out of a case file for the homicide of a transsexual Real Doll. But Kim has a good reason for this. Kim says that being this pregnant has left her in an uncomfortable state.
"I feel like I'm just getting fatter. He (her boyfriend Kroy) thinks I'm sexy. He makes me feel beautiful. He's just been the best partner. This pregnancy has kicked my butt, and now I'm at the stage where I'm uncomfortable."
Well, what is one to do when one is uncomfortable? One glues a microwaved Barbie mask over one's face, wraps a white bed skirt over one's naked body and allows Life & Style to click away as one's boyfriend gets his nose in the line of fire. The "fire" being pregnancy queefs.
When The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak announced that she's pregnant with an adorable bundle of free publicity, I prepared myself for the gigantic wave of ultrasound scans and blurbs about auto-tuned pregnancy farts in Life & Style that would eventually hit us. So this right here was a long time coming. Kim is six months pregnant and has celebrated the start of her third trimester the same way all proud mothers-to-be do: by dipping her face in a MAC puddle, throwing her "baby brewin' wig" on, getting into panties from A Pea in the Pod's fame whore collection and posing for a tabloid! However, it's nice to see when a magazine gives Photoshop the day off and lets a ho's natural arm fur fly.
You can't tell from this picture, but Kim's baby is striking a pose too. A palm-on-head "fuck this fuckery" pose.
Kim tells Life & Style that she's posing in all her pregnant glory because she's proud of her body, "I'll be 33 when I have this baby, and I'm more in touch with my body now. I'm definitely eating a lot more now than I did with my girls. Kroy loves me pregnant. I don't remember my ex-husband being that into it, but Kroy loves it. He tells me I'm so beautiful."
This is definitely a beautiful moment that Kim should share with the world, but she didn't have to get out of bed to do it. Shit, she didn't even have to pose. She could've spent her time sniffing Nicotine patches and yelling at Sweetie. I mean, if Life & Style published the picture below and said it was Kim Zolciak, nobody would've questioned it.
Actually, Knocked Up Barbie might look just a tad bit more natural.