Gay

If enchanted unicorns frolic through Robert Pattinson's hair, what kind of mythical creatures roam through the Grimes Twins' follicle forest? Deaf boy fairies with ingrown wings?

Anyway, the Grimes Twins took some time out form making Simon Cowell's nipples out on the UK's X-Factor to attend last night's A Christmas Carol premiere in London. At the after-party, the twins told The Mirror that everyone is copying their "I fucked myself with a live wire" hairstyle, "This attention is crazy. We're loving every minute. We've even got people copying our hair. Can you believe it."

You know, I don't think people are intentionally copying their hair. They just made the wrong decision of listening to the Grimes Twins sing live without protection (i.e. ear plugs). That shit will make your hair stand up in a quick second. It's your follicles trying to escape to heaven.

Bronson Pinchot (aka Balki from Perfect Strangers) must have been sipping on the finest wine cooler and toking on some serious shit during his interview with The Onion's A.V. Club, because he was feeling mighty comfortable. There was no leash on Bronson's mouth.

You just want to curl up besides him with your bong, and let him whisper about how Bette Midler was such a cunt to her director or how Mischa Barton explodes into a typhoon of tears when you make fun of her ass. Good shit. But the best part of the interview is the picture Bronson paints of the maniacal gay troll known as Tommy Girl.

Bronson worked with Tommy on Risky Business, and said that not only was he as boring as a broken vibrator, but he also made awkward and random homophobic comments all the time. Hmm...I wonder why.

Bronson said, "We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, 'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' Very, very strange. Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think 'God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.' He made such a big deal about it. Same thing with Eddie Murphy—I remember somebody calling and saying, 'You’ll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!' [Laughs.] And I remember thinking that seemed fitting, because there are certain people in showbiz who make it an agenda, every third sentence has to have something knocking that life choice, and you think, 'What are you doing?'"

GOLD COVERED GOLD! "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?" is the funniest thing that has ever come out of Tommy Girl's mouth! Homealien could headline the Queens of Comedy if he continued to say shit like that. But I'm sure Tommy Girl no longer makes such comments since the aliens cured him of his asshole's thirst for hard dick. Right.

And who does Bronson think is the most unpleasant human being on earth? No, it's not Tommy. Bronson said that working with Denzel Washington on Courage Under Fire was complete torture, "He’s one of the most unpleasant human beings I’ve ever met in my life, but he’s this mega-superstar. He was really abusive to me and everybody on that movie, and his official explanation was that his character didn’t like me, but it was a dreadful experience. I spent my salary on time with my shrink just for helping me get through it, and what that led to was the very next big movie that I did. I should have said to the producers, 'You get that guy in line, or I’m out of here.' Life’s too short."

Read the rest of the interview at The A.V. Club. Bronson should really put these stories into song and take this shit to Broadway.

For a few weeks, we were teased with the promise of homo lip action on Gossip Girl between Chuck SeaBass and some hot piece. Last night, I carefully took off my pants, folded them next to me and was all ready to watch the tongues fly, but all I got was a peck. A PECK! The kind of peck you'd give your accountant in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. That shit is beyond G-rated.

This is The CW we're talking, so I wasn't expecting a salad tossing or teabagging, but that wasn't a kiss. I mean, Chuck Bass obviously knows his way around a man's tongue, so I don't know why he acted like they were forcing him to kiss a rubber vagina. I want a refund.

Here's a little preview of Gay Al's appearance on TV One's "Life After" which airs this weekend. In the clip (which has a cameo by Jane Velez-Mitchell!!!), Gay Al briefly talks about the rumors that he goes cuckoo for cock and how his relationship with Star Jones is "tender." TENDER!

My prostate went weak when he said that. I mean, I think he's really talking about his precious pearl lips. When that happens to me, I just marinate them in a bowl of burn cream, put a warm compress on them, sing them an acoustic version of "You Light Up My Life," and then plump them back up with a dab of cinnamon sugar.

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

The city of DC was the luckiest city in the world today for many reasons, and one of them is because Rojo Caliente and Mrs. Rojo (government name: Cynthia Nixon) were there for the National Equality March. If you are in the DC and wondering why your skin has the tingles, that is why!

At the march today, Mrs. Rojo spoke and I listened up until my ears went raw. Anyone who wakes up next to Rojo Caliente every morning, must speak the truth of truths! I co-sign every last statement twice.

And I think Mrs. Rojo said something about how she can't wait for the day she throws crumbled-up Mother's Circus Animal Cookies at the wedding of Anderson "Mah Boo" Cooper and yours truly. If you didn't hear that, it's probably because you don't have wads of delusion stuck in your ear holes like I do.

Lady GaGa (I'm being nice today) also spoke. You know how I feel about her ass, but I like this....even the Judy Garland joke. I give credit where credit is due (doo)! Yesh, I'm sippin' that shit today.

However, I will say her wig is very Kim Zolciak-ish. That wig should be ABSENT from the party.

On November's cover of Elle, Stepford Katie actually looks like a real-life human being who doesn't need to be programmed to smile. Photoshop is the best drug sometimes. They must have used the "living person" tool on her.

In the issue, Katie says that Tommy Girl always has something to say about what she's wearing. Can't you just picture him giving her the once over and rotating his hips while snapping in z-formation if he disapproves? Typical queen.

Katie said, "He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say, 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that.' Tom has great taste."

HAH. Yes, Tommy does have wonderful taste. Anybody who takes a peek at his platform midwife shoes knows that. And not only is Tommy a controlling robot master, but he always knows when a dress is wearing you! Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe better watch it, because Tommy Girl is going sashay on in and snatch her career. Hopefully when Tommy says, "I DIE," he means it. Literally.

VIA UsWeekly

The alien family has landed in Massachusetts and Tommy Girl was out poppin' that butt pussay for Xenu and working those sessy sneakers on the streets of Boston yesterday. And I see that Tommy propped up those Scientolotittays. Tommy's succulent moobs definitely bring the alien tops to the dungeon.

Suri came along for the photo-op and wore her daddy's favorite lip(you choose which lips)stick. And as for Stepford Katie, well....in the wise words of Dwight from The Real Housewives of Atlanta: HOW DREADFUL!

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed

So, I was looking for pictures of LeAnn Rimes and her gayfaced husband Dean for some story about how he's best homegirls with Eddie Cibrian's wife now. Basically, Dean and Eddie's wife are bonding, because they both soon-to-be divorcee's, blah..blah... You can read the whole thing at UsWeekly. Anyway, while looking for pictures, I noticed that LeAnn and Dean are always attached at the head. They are either touching heads or practically touching heads. It's like they are Siamese Twins or constantly posing in a Sears Portrait Studio! Lori and Reba they are NOT!

Is it Dean's way of saying, "Oh, look! I don't like man chowder on my face, because I'm actually touching a female and not getting the dry heaves or squealing like a 2-year-old at Walmart"? You know the only way he's getting through it is to picture LeAnn's head as a giant dildo. And this is probably the closest LeAnn got to ever giving Dean head.

But now that they aren't together, how will they pose by themselves on the red carpet? Their heads will be lost! LeAnn's head is going to roll right off her body, because it will have nothing to lean on. Actually, that won't be such a bad thing.

Same-sex couples in Vermont will be able to get married starting today and in honor of this momentous occasion, Ben & Jerry's has temporarily renamed "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby" for 30 days. Hubby Hubby is made of fudge-covered peanut-butter filled salty pretzel wangs and vanilla cream. That's not a butt sex joke. Those are the actual ingredients.

Ben & Jerry's issued this statement of words about Hubby Hubby:

“The legalization of marriage for gay and lesbian couples in Vermont is certainly a step in the right direction, and something worth celebrating with peace, love - and plenty of ice cream."

You can buy Hubby Hubby from Ben & Jerry's ice cream trucks in Vermont. They aren't changing the labels on Chubby Hubby in grocery stores.

While this is awesome of Ben & Jerry's, I can't help but feel that they left the lezzies out! I mean, couldn't they rename "Cherry Garcia" to "Cherry Gayellecia"? Or what about, "Everything But The....Penis." Or simply, "Fish Food."

VIA Joe. My. God.