Dear Selena Gomez,
When Chris Hansen asked you to have a seat over there, he didn't mean on Justin Bieber's 17-year-old crotch.
P.S. - Thanks to you, everybody who looks at these pictures is going to jail now. Thank you. You're single-handedly responsible for overcrowded prisons. You, sucia pedo puta, you. Good going.
P.P.S. - When you're singing Baby Bieber a goodnight lullaby in his bassinet tonight, please let him know through song that the organizers of the National Weight Lifting Competition are impressed that his parakeet arms were able to lift your NOT RIGHT ass in the water. They'd like him to compete in their toddler division this year.
P.P.P.S - A covered playpen: get one next time.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are trying to put a spotlight on the child sex slave trade by putting out a series of viral videos starring their friends: Justin Timberlake (above), Sean Penn, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Eva Longoria, Jessica Biel, Donald Trump, the Old Spice Guy and a million more. I am obviously not their target audience, because all of these videos left me in the same state of awkward confusion Bruce Willis suffers through whenever Ashton and Demi suck on each other's tongues in front of him at the Thanksgiving table. Daryl Hannah did it right when she went undercover into the horrific world of prostitots overseas and put out a documentary about it. But Ashton and Demi basically just released several B-Sides of the Old Spice commercials. Just fucking weird.
First of all, Donald Trump must be saying "SIKE" with his eyes in his picture, because that charbroiled toad buys a new wife model every few years (no offense to the forever gorgeous Melania Trump). Second of all, everything you need to know about this is in the address for Demi and Ashton's anti-child sex slave foundation: demiandashton.org. EXACTLY.
The Situation's face is a dried apricot molded to look like the mug of Don Knotts, but unfortunately for him that's where the Mr. Furley comparisons end. Unlike the dearly departed Don Knotts, The Situation has the delivery of a dead pigeon and he made this perfectly clear at the roasting of Donald Trump, which aired on Comedy Central last night. Every single LOL grenade that The Situation threw into the audience, was thrown back onto the stage and bombed right in his face. Bitch might be a 5-star chef when it comes to roasting his face on a tanning bed, but he failed to ignite one spark in the straw nest on Trump's head. This is the kind of awkwardness The Situation's trick hos must feel after they realize that he is sticking it all the way in. Bitch Boom Bye, etc....
The tumbleweed of silence followed by the occasional boo and pity laugh make this even more uncomfortable. My feelings about this soggy campfire The Situation calls a comedy act is best expressed through this still shot of Ice-T's reaction:
Even CoCo's always smiling camel toe is cringing at this mess.
Some of you in Toronto might have been wondering why the stores were sold out of Crisco, every crane in the city was rented out, latex poisoning experts were put on standby and the Tug of War champion was flown in. It wasn't boys night at the pop-up Scientology Center. Janet Jackson's tour hit Toronto and that's pretty much what it takes to get her into that labia-crushing Tron suit.
The look on Janet's face accurately expresses how her crotch is feeling at that very moment. That shit looks like a camel toe with Morton's syndrome. Like a baby mole trapped inside of a plastic bag. Not only is Janet flattening her clit like a fettuccine noodle, but this is also fueling the old rumor that she's got bendy straws for ribs.
I bet Janet employs a full-time CPR technician who gets her coochie breathing again as soon as she gets off stage. Hmmm. Maybe that's the whole point. Janet might be a genius.
So yeah, this is Jennifer Aniston in Allure, and it's not a picture from a Real Doll photo shoot art directed by a pedophile with a Snuggle Bear fetish. It's like a still from an old Law & Order episode about a Baby Jane-like plastic surgery addict who just can't let go of her child beauty pageant days. Just because Aniston is posing with her favorite teddy bear baby she adopted from a doll nursery last summer doesn't mean this mess is cute. Just. No.
Creepiness aside, Jennifer finally admits that the Rachel cut is a work of fugness that doesn't belong on anybody's head! The cut that terrorized heads in the 90s and projected to the public "I'm an asshole for getting my hair cut like a fucking TV character!" was not Jennifer's favorite thing.
"Let's just say there have been moments I'd rather not relive, like that whole Rachel thing. I love Chris [McMillan, her hairstylist], and he's the bane of my existence at the same time because he started that damn Rachel, which was not my best look. How do I say this? I think it was the ugliest haircut I've ever seen. What I really want to know is, how did that thing have legs?"
And it still has legs. You don't know how many retail managers and real estate office receptionists I've seen with that haircut. And you know what's creepier than that picture of Aniston above? The fact that I regularly stare at the heads of retail managers and real estate office receptionists.
Jennifer also talked about her fascination with The Bachelor and how she doesn't understand how those girls can shrivel into a dehydrated pod of loneliness when they get dumped.
"You know what I find fascinating? The Bachelor. I was mesmerized by how these girls, they meet this guy, they have three dates together or something, and they're weeping as though they've just lost the love of their life. I don't understand that."
Too easy, so I'll just leave you with more Photoshopped pictures of Jennifer looking like JLo and a female doll version of STAINS.
Anna Wintour needs to adjust the tint on her Chanel Blue Blockers, because why did she approve this cover of Vogue? Yeah, I know Kristen Stewart always looks like she's sitting on a cold stainless steel table and waiting for a simultaneous pap smear and rectal exam, but couldn't they have tried to erase at least one layer of constipated uncomfortableness from her face? Couldn't they have used the Dulcolax Photoshop tool on her?
It's as if before Mario Testino took the picture he shouted at Kristen, "Say NUTTYMADAM!" And the baby crib skirt she's got on is not helping.
via Hollywood Life
When you're doing illegal acts of NO with your underage boyfriend and he asks you why do you have a hair cape growing down in your "just for me" area, that's your cue to hand him your big girl business card and tell him to call you as soon as his balls drop and somebody lets him know about the birds and the bees. When your boyfriend still gets birthday cards from his pediatrician, you should probably roll out of his race car bed and keep walking. When your boyfriend tells you that you can't sleep over tonight because he's afraid you might steal his $20 from the Tooth Fairy, you should call up Chris Hansen and tell him to pick you up outside. This is why I CAN NOT with 18-year-old Selena Gomez for groping on 16-year-old Justin Bieber in the Caribbean over the weekend. Yes, he's 16, but he can still play an 8-year-old Hilary Swank in a movie and nobody would ask one question about it! That's some illegal shit!
A Belieber fresh out of the toddler asylum will suffocate Selena with their stuffed diaper for this staged mess and she doesn't even seem to mind. Selena, think about this when you're in the jacuzzi with Justin and he starts giggling after a floater pops up. Think about your life choices.
I swear, the Selena Kay Letourneau better be getting EVERYTHING in Justin's piggy bank for partaking in this awkward ridiculousness. Visit Just Jared if you need more of this in your life. Sucio fucks!
Yeah, this isn't disturbing at all. In this promo video for Def Jam Rapstar shot in a mid-level hotel room off the highway (it's totally off the highway), Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke cover Notorious B.I.G. together. Believe it or not, that's not the disturbing part I was talking about. Things goes from disturbing to disturbing-er when Hulk eyes up Brooke's ass as she backs her shit up and then whips out his boiled Slim Jim (that gigantic black box is LYING) in front of her.
For most of us, if our dad pulled out his dick like it's something we want to see, we'd immediately call adult protective services and then tell our therapist to clear their schedule because we're going to need them the whole week! But for Brooke and Hulk, it's just normal father/daughter bonding time. This mess looks more like a clip from a promo video for Billy Ray and Miley's Daddy & Me camp.
I think I speak for all of us when I say, WE ALL CAN'T.
via Kotaku (Thanks Jeremiah)
There's something uncomfortably strange about seeing Lea Michele pose hard as though she's an aspiring teenage slut on MySpace (or Demi Moore). It's as if a Beagle puppy gave you fuckme eyes while licking at her nipples or if a bunny wiggled her tail at you while wearing a baby pink lace negligee. It makes you want to throw a blanket over your head as if it's bed time and you're a bird cage. It's not right and it's unnatural!
You know, I'm all for bringing out your inner dirty whore for the cameras, but DAMN! The last time I saw someone trying this hard they were pushing out a kidney stone and it was me! I can't, you can't, we all can't.
Here's a few more pictures of Lea, Dianna Agron and Cory Monteith representing ho shit in GQ Magazine (shot by Terry Richardson). Well, I should say that Lea and Dianna are representing. Cory is doing no such thing since he's fully clothed! Why isn't he in his damn panties? The nurse's office will be waiting for his written excuse.
Proving that she's destined for the title of Pimp of 2010 at this year's Players Ball, Tish Cyrus posed for the paps outside of some restaurant in Toluca Lake, CA this morning with 10-year-old Noah Cyrus and that other one.
From Tish' battered weave which looks like it's been attacked by whatever the hell is living on Billy Ray's head to Miley Cyrus turning the colors of the wind grey with her footwear to EVERYTHING on Noah Cyrus, these pictures are several layers of NO. And then add another layer of NO on top of that for good measure.