Vanessa Whatever

Countdown to Vanessa Minnillo's "HOW I GOT MAH BODEEEEEEE BACK!" cover of Life & Style.

For some reason, I always forget that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson never made a baby together. Maybe it's because I want to believe that right before they quit each other they had a surprise love child who Jessica unknowingly gave birth to into a toilet. Then Papa Joe snatched up that secret love child and gave it to the maternal Georgia peach known as Mama June. That love child grew up to be America's sweetheart Honey Boo Boo Chile!!!! Honey Boo Boo does have Jessica's palate, so this makes sense. As far as we know, though, Nick and Jessica never spawned together, but now they both have their own baby with other hos.

Nick Lachey's wife of a year, Vanessa Minnillo, popped out a baby boy last night and they pushed out this statement to People afterward:

“We are incredibly proud to announce the birth of our beautiful baby boy, Camden John Lachey. Born today at 6:54 p.m., he came into this world at 8 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches. Love has truly been redefined for both of us.”

I'm punching myself in the bone helmet covering my brain for knowing this, but Kristin Calamariswhatever from The Hills also named her kid Camden. Camdens are taking over the world. Camden as a first name doesn't totally make my eyes roll to the side, but "Camden John" sounds like the nickname Amy Winehouse gave her toilet. But congratulations to Camden John who will get dozens of jealous looks from the other babies when his father breastfeeds him in the park. I mean, Nick totally holds more leche in his titty sacks than Vanessa does.

And brace yourselves for the eventual 2032 People cover that will read: "Newlyweds 2.0! Maxwell Drew Johnson & Camden John Lachey MARRIED!" We should start drinking now.

Prepare yourselves for a spawn of John Mayer, because with the way things are going his David Duke jizz is going to knock up a ho in no time. It's a terrifying trend! Nick Lachey announced on Live with Kelly (via People) this morning that just like Tony Romo, he's an ex-piece of Jessica Simpson who is going to be somebody's father soon. Nick said that he and his wife Vanessa Minnillo are expecting a baby friend this summer or fall.

"She was in New York and I was in the Bahamas. She went to the store and got a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We're having a baby! This is the one thing that more than any other I've looked forward to, and it's overwhelming.

If it's a girl, I think it might be Sophia. If it's a boy, I'm not sure."

Somewhere in California, Papa Joe is trying to lure Jessica's unborn baby out with a deep fried Pop Tart and butter sandwich, because they need to beat Vanessa Minillowhatever and her unborn baby to the cover of People Magazine. But Jessica has been knocked up for so long that Vanessa's going to pop out her second and third kid while a fully developed adult leg hangs out of Jessica's cooch.

But seriously, this is wonderful news, because Nick Lachey's glorious leche mounds should not go to waste. Those man titties were made for breastfeedin'.

One would think that because there's sunshine and tropical rains in Hawaii nearly every day, Nick Lachey's world-class rack would be extra lush and bountiful, but that's not what's happening here. Nick and his wife Vanessa Manilawhatever trained in the sport of bikini bike riding for the 2012 Holympics in Hawaii yesterday afternoon, and his chichis almost look as flat as her personality. The sudden urge to motorboat while humming the melody to "Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)" usually fills me when I stare at Nick's succulent pectorals, but not one musical note is filling my throat. Eat some macadamias, Nick! Get those tetes to reach for the sun again.

Oh, let's just assume that Nick's pec sacks are still on California time so they're just taking their usual early evening nap. Let's assume that.

The wedding of the year month week day hour took place on a "secret tropical island" (how fucking "Lost" of them) yesterday when the dude with the pork filled empanada titties from 98 Degrees married Vanessa Manilafolders in front of 35 friends and a TLC camera crew. Actually, I think this was the second wedding of the hour, because I'm sure somebody married somebody in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot in the south and that is definitely more interesting. Anyway, the former Mr. Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey said "I dooooooo cherish yoooooooooo" to Vanessa and they blurted out this statement to People just seconds after their extremely private secret wedding:

"For us, this is just a stepping stone to do what we ultimately want and that’s to start a family together."

The extremely private secret wedding will air on the not-so-secret and not-so-private cable channel TLC on July 30th. Their wedding special will air directly after a fart fetish episode of Strange Sex since a bowel movement usually follows a fart.

And across the ocean, Jessica Simpson's mouth married an Entenmann's crumb cake as her dumb dumb fiance used her credit card to order a dozen Roombas off of HSN for his foolproof business venture: ROOMBA DERBY! Yeah, you're laughing now....

If it were up to Vanessa Hudgens, we'd all be staring at random live cats for hours hoping they do something funny and writing in our "SGM lkg 4 big peen" personal ads to the local newspaper, because the Internet would not be a thing that exists in real life! Correction: My ad would really read "SGM lkg 4 big penis," because the word "peen" would not exist if it wasn't for the Internet. If that isn't a sad, I don't know what is.

For some strange unknown reason, People Magazine (via Starpulse) asked Zac Efron's former lipstick holder what she thinks the worst invention is. Vanessa didn't say camera phones or the self timer button, Vanessa said THE INTERNET! Al Gore isn't going to fap to Vanessa's leaked naked pictures anymore!

"I know what the worst invention ever is. The internet. I think it's ruining everyone, and it just makes everybody way too accessible – it just takes away the glamor and mystery from our business."

Vanessa took the mystery from her business when she took a grainy picture of her furry pussy and e-mailed it out to whomever. Speaking of those pictures, Vanessa told The L.A. Times that she's trying to move on from that shit even though someone keeps leaking more and more nudes, "The fact that somebody keeps bringing up the past is just selfish. I mean, it sucks. I already released a statement the first time it happened. It's just unfortunate that it keeps reminding people about the past and not the present."

Vanessa Hudgens has the acting skills of one of Zac Efron's used makeup wedges, so 99% of her fame was built by her relationship (which was mostly documented on THE INTERNET) and those nekkid ass nekkid pictures (which were only seen on THE INTERNET). So if it wasn't for the Internet, most of our brains would burp out a question mark at the sound of her name and the only job she'd have is dancing in the chorus of a production of High School Musical at Disneyland Iran. No Internet = No Vanessa Hudgens. Wait. Maybe the dumbass does have a point after all. SHUT IT DOWN!

Last week, The Dirty posted a short clip of a possibly pre-rehab Demi Lovato showing us why she was named Disney University's champion coke snorter. The clip was quickly yanked down the fun killers at YouTube and nothing has been heard of it since. Today, Radar delivered a blind-ish item that may or may not be about this supposed Demi Lovato coke snorting video. Their source says that it makes Miley Cyrus' cinematic skip into the bong hole seem like it was sponsored by ABC Family (which it probably was). From Radar:

In the clip, a young brunette wearing a pink tank top and a black and white cardigan is seen sitting at a table lined with mounds of cocaine and rolled up $100 bills used for snorting.

"There is more than one famous person in the footage," the source told RadarOnline.com.

Also appearing in the footage with her is a blonde girl and two young men, who at one point joke about using a one dollar bill rather than a hundred to snort a line. "Look how fucking high I am...I'm going to snort out of a fucking one!" one of the anonymous guys said.

"Please don't do it," the other guy said back, laughing." You know how many n***ers have put their hands on that shit?!"

In the video, the table is littered with martini and shot glasses, among the countless lines of cocaine -- which the party-goers both snort and swipe their fingers through.

Take that scene, now drop in Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens, Demi Lovato, Zac Efron in a brunette wig, Noah Cyrus, Joe Jonas or anybody else who's ever been blessed by the hand of Mickey and it would make sense. When you sign your name with virgin blood on a Disney contract, they hand you an orientation package that includes a Disney dollar coke straw, a "How to pose nekkid for your cell phone camera" tutorial taught by Daisy Duck and a morning after pill shaped like mouse ears. So it could be any one of them!

But Selena Gomez is not included that list, because she's got Justin Bieber sitting on her lap and Child Protective Services would snatch him away if they find out she's under the influence while babysitting him. Justin's diaper is filled with dollar signs, so Pedolena isn't going to chance it.

Joey Fatone's knead and squeeze dough sacks aside, Nick Lachey had one of the best boy band racks in the 90s and it looks like his succulent pectorals still have the power to temporarily turn me into a tits kind of gay. Even though Nick looks like he only eats Tubby Tustard, I still would. Send your judgments here.

Jessica Simpson's former fart scent tester took a break from opening up his 98 Degrees royalty checks ("LOOK! They played 'True To Your Heart' in a soap opera in Croatia!" - Nick Lachey when looking at his check) to fly down to Mexico with his piece Vanessa Minnnilllolol. Okay, I never know how many Ls or Ns that girl has in her name (don't make me Google) so I figured it's better to give her more than less.

Nick and Vanessa are in Mexico to celebrate his 37th birfday, her 30th birfday and their new engagement. UsWeekly says that Nick sealed the deal with a $125,000 diamond ring. A $125,000 diamond ring that will fill Vanessa's nostrils with the aroma of one of Jessica Simpson's after eatin' burps whenever it sparkles since her money bought that shit!