Ashley Greene

And here's some shitty and sad news for your Friday afternoon... One of Ashley Greene's dog is up in heaven now after it died in a fire that broke out this morning and completely destroyed her condo in West Hollywood. Ashley had two dog friends, Marlo (pictured with her above) and Theo, and one of them survived. It's not known which one died.

Ashley's rep tells UsWeekly that she wasn't home when the fire broke out on the couch this morning, but she drove over there as soon as one of her neighbors called to tell her what happened. But TMZ heard a different story. A firefighter at the scene told TMZ that Ashley, her boyfriend (who apparently isn't Ryan Phillippe) and her brother were out late last night so they were sleeping in. A fire started on the sofa in the living room and after they woke up and realized the whole place was in flames, they ran out of there without the dogs. They all realized that the dogs didn't run out with them, so her boyfriend and her brother tried to go back to get them, but they weren't able to. As Ashley's neighbors tried to control the fire with fire extinguishers, one dog made it out. One of Ashley's nosy neighbors tells TMZ that before the fire, her brother and her boyfriend were going in and out of the apartment all morning and they heard glass breaking.

If a fire broke out in my apartment, the only things I'd grab would be my bong and my dog. If a fire broke out in my apartment, I'd like to think that my dog would grab me too, but he'd probably just grab the bacon from the fridge. Speaking of bacon, I should probably put back the battery I took out of the smoke alarm in my living room because it kept going off every time I cooked bacon.

Rest in peace, Ashley's doggy.

UPDATE: TMZ says that a candle was the cause. Somebody left a candle on and it somehow fell on the sofa and started the fire.

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen - Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she's already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can't give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don't know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don't have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they'd fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don't know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It's kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there's no way you're getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I'm sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That's not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.

Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.

And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).

Ashley Greene, or as you know her as "?????", lives inside of a glistening bubble fresh out of delusion's ass where she truly believes that the paparazzi just magically show up without her calling them and she's as big of a tabloid star as Brangelina. Ashley said in the new issue of Allure Magazine (via UsWeekly) that the non-love triangle between she, Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato was basically the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston love triangle for the potty training set. Ashley headbutted the clouds as she said this:

"I'm really happy that she's (Demi Lovato) doing well. She and I never had a problem with each other, but, you know, it doesn't go away. Jen Aniston still gets asked about Angelina Jolie."

"Ashley, please tell me your thoughts on Demi Lovato," said absolutely fucking no one.

Ashley really makes hallucinating seem fun. Ashley, when you're done with that blunt of shredded delusion, please pass it here, because I'd really like to see this pimple on my chest as a third nipple everybody's getting in line to suck. Then, you can go to the section marked "HO, SIT DOWN" and get comfortable. You're going to be there a while.

Okay, that headline is not entirely true or fair. Yes, cucumbers would love to gently lay on top of Vince Vaughn's swollen stuffed bags and soothe them until they no longer look like miniature versions of Lisa Rinna's anal gland lips, but we can all learn to love them. If you look at them through permanent perverted eyes (aka my eyes) and access the part of your imagination that's run by your genitals, Vince Vaughn's double carry-on eye bags sort of, kind of look like tiny crooked labias! If you look at 'em that way, then you will definitely love them. How can you not love labia eye bags?

If you sat on his peen and stuck your tongue between his under eye pussy bags, it would be like having a simplified bi-sexual threesome! And you don't have to worry about an extra pair of legs kicking you in the head. I bet there's a little cream in between there, so it would be like eating the real thing! Since I put it that way, right?

Here's more of Labia Eyes Vaughn at last night's Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in L.A. with: Ashley Greene, Meadow Soprano, Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Noxzema Girl, McSteamy, Brad from The Chupa Zoe Project, Sienna Miller's ex-whore with his wife, a midget lesbian in drag as Steve Buscemi and Ryan Phillippe.

It's that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It's Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.

Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer's footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.

Anyway, here's who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.

It was only about six minutes ago when Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas took their final bows and closed the curtain on the act called their relationship, and she's already hitting the ho stroll hard with supposed manslut Jared Followill of the Kings of Leon. Relevancy doesn't fall from the sky (unless your name is Rebecca Black Friday), so Ashley is working hard for those clicks and brought Jared along to drive up the picture prices (it didn't). Ashley, her daddy Joe and Jared celebrated International Drunk Day (or as the Irish call it, every day) at Phebe's Tavern in NYC yesterday afternoon before doing the walk of famefucking in front of the paps. Whoring aside, I'm guessing that Jared doesn't pull the "it's getting late and my penis is falling asleep" move when Ashley takes her bra off, so he's definitely an upgrade from Joe Jonas!

And speaking of green, am I the only one who doesn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day. I don't understand why most dumb bitches do? Why would you deny yourself pinches from strangers?! I practically beg for that shit to happen every single night, so March 17th is the one day of the year I don't wear green. When I see a stranger assuming the pinch position with their fingers, I lift up my black shirt and tell them to aim for the nipples. Bring on the pinches!

It is a sad day for contract writers, notaries, staples and Xerox machines, because yet another one of their fine works will not get a sequel. Just a day after Joe Jonas' "Don't call me Joe Gaynus (that's a two in one right there)" interview with Details turned all of us into Aunt Bunny for a minute, Page Six is saying that there will be no more staged photo-ops between him and Ashley Greene. In a hotel room somewhere, Joe Jonas is sitting on the edge of the bed and strumming out a song about how an expiration date broke his heart.

A source (aka Ashley Greene's publicist using the email address: imnotashleygreenespublicist@nuuh.never) tells Page Six that Joe and Ashley's completely authentic heterosexual love affair died like the feeling in his legs after wearing skinny jeans for more than 3 hours, because of their busy schedules. Ashley is off shooting Twatlight while Joe is working on his music in L.A.

Ted Casablanca at E! News also thinks that Ashley and Joe's PR stunt relationship is null and void, because they were both spotted solo at the same club a week apart. One witness type says Joe made it clear that he's not with Ashley anymore by doing the Jonas mating dance with a bunch of girls, "He was very flirtatious all night, and if I were Ashley Greene I would not want my boyfriend acting like that towards a bunch of hoes. He had his hands all over this girl's ass saying he couldn't take his eyes off her when she danced."

Are we sure that Joe wasn't hitting on actual garden hoes, because that would make more sense.

Contract writers can lift their weepy faces off of their keyboards, because Ashley isn't the type of fame fucker who is going to let a little thing called "failed negotiations" get in the way of her finding a love affair built for the pages of UsWeekly. I'm sure Ashley has already asked (insert the name of some famous dude with gay rumors on his back) to meet her in the conference room. Wink. Wink.

And in case you're wondering what the Jonas mating dance looks like:

UPDATE: It's confirmed. True love doesn't exist. The world only knows heartbreak. Blah blah blah

Ashley Greene celebrated her 24th birthday at Pure in Las Vegas on Saturday night and was surrounded by a sugary rainbow of sweet confections that made every hole in the room beg for a cavity search. And I'm not talking about that Candy Land mess of a cake. Joe Jonas was at Ashley's side for her party and she was on him like a fly on a sugar dipped cherry, and he was on her like....well...like dignity on a Lohan. Joe is keeping his hands at his side like Ashley is a beard made of vagina hairs.

Can't Joe give Ashley something to work with?! At least she's trying to hang on him like his dick is not letting out a "meh" from being that close to girl cooch. I mean, Ashley even tried to slap away the gay rumors by telling People that Joe doesn't know the difference between "vintage Coach" and Chanel. Bead, please:

At her 24th birthday celebration at Las Vegas's Pure Nightclub on Saturday, the Twilight beauty donned a form-fitting black cocktail dress and sported a gold Chanel charm bracelet on her right wrist. The latter was a gift from Jonas.

"The funny thing about it is when I got it, my boyfriend said it's vintage Coach – and I was like 'Thanks so much.' And then I put it on and was like, 'Oh my god, this is Chanel,' " Greene said, letting out a scream.

"It was very cute and sweet and adorable to me because my boyfriend gave it to me," she said. "Coach, Chanel, [it] makes no difference to him ... [But] I absolutely love it because he knows what I like."

Let's hope that Chanel charm bracelet had a Chanel key on it that opened a Chanel box to a Chanel vibrator, because that's the only way Ashley was going to have a birthday orgasm at the end of the night. But really, Ashley went a little too far with the "vintage Coach" shit. "Vintage Coach" is just a fancy way of saying "Coach bought from the bottom of a clearance bin at Filene's Basement." And there's no way Joe would ever strut his shit through a Filene's Basement.

Not to be outdone by Taylor Swift and Jakey Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas and his face merkin of the moment Ashley Greene held hands while making their way into The Lion restaurant in NYC last night. The only real problem I have with this relationship is that it seems like as soon as Joe Jonas welcomed Ashley into his life with a simple signature on a contract, his jeans have gotten baggier and baggier. Joe's jeans used to be so tight that you could practically hear its threads screaming for mercy with every strut he took. Joe's jeans used to be so tight that you could perfectly see if his butt cheek was Tajazzled or not. And now look at this shit! Ashley is CHANGING HIM!

Joe's jeans are quickly going from "sucking on to his ass as though his b-hole is the portal to denim heaven" to almost hitting the ground. It won't be long before Joe's jeans are sliding down his bubble butt. Although.....now that I think about it, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Then Joe can take his sweet sexiness to the next level by working one of those new saggy pants garter belts:

Yeah, forget everything I said about his jeans not being tight enough. Sag faster, Joe!