Hide yo pussies! Hide yo daughters! Hide yo heterosexuality! Because the sugar-covered seahorse of Alabama, Antoine Dodson, claims that he's snatching up the gayness out of his being and wants a wife who will birth out his children. Judah has called him! I guess this is what happens when Sweet Brown is getting all the shine on the stroll. You gotta declare your newfound love for cooch to get hos talking about you again.
Antoine, who is gayer than a Care Bear butt full of rainbows, tweeted a few Facebook posts where he announced that he's rebuking his natural gayness and says that he doesn't need a Mercedes to make him happy (translation: his leased Benz got a visit by the repo man). Uh huh, bitch, uh huh....
I have to renounce myself, I'm no longer into homosexuality I want a wife and family, I want to multiply and raise and love my family that I create. I could care less about the fame and fortune, I've giving all that up to know the true history of the bible. For I am the True Chosen Hebrew Israelite descendant of Judah. And as True Israel I know that there are certain things we just can't do. And I totally understand that now. I don't need a Mercedes Benz, I don't need a big house in Beverly Hills all I need is the Most High and my family (Israel). I have been awaken by the great and so should you. Let's be delivered from the wickedness of the world and live the way we should. The Most High bless all and have a beautiful evening. Israel wake up and take full power of who you are. I'm ready are you?
I'm Antoine wait, I am KEVIN ANTOINE DODSON, and I just want what's best for all and this is the way for me, hate me if you must, bash me if you must, I won't break, do what you will, for this is my calling.
In the beautiful words of Shemiyah, I am so in love with the truth, I will expose a lie even if I have to expose you. Family friends celebrities whoever. If anything you say or do and can't back it up with scripture, you are a liar and the truth is not in you. Rise of the true chosen.
Don't run and tell that just yet, because I'm still not sure if this shit is a hoax or a joke. If it isn't, it does make me kind of sad, because if Antoine Dodson puts away his rainbow-colored weave, is there any reason for my b-hole to pucker? Is there any reason for my nipple slits to spit out hummingbird juice? Well, the good news is that in a couple of months when he gets caught tapping his feet for dick in a public bathroom, he'll spit out some new catchphrases to the local news.
And if Sweet Brown renounces her love for a cold pop on Facebook, we know that a hacker is at a work or the world is truly ending.
YouTube star and the prettiest belle in Alabama, Antoine Dodson, might look like a felt seahorse puppet made by The Jim Henson Company, but he doesn't agree with his fellow Muppets on boycotting Chick-fil-A for their anti-gay marriage ways. While Miss Piggy can't with Chick-fil-A, Antoine Dodson can, will and is. Finally, the question that has been floating in your head since this Chick-fil-A shit started, "What would Antoine Dodson say?" has finally been answered. One less thing to keep your head.
After some of his fans asked for his thoughts on Chick-fil-A, openly gay 'Toine said on a YouTube video uploaded yesterday that he doesn't care if they have given millions of dollars to anti-gay rights organizations. 'Toine is going to eat that sandwich. 'Toine doesn't care if people say that every bite into a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich is a bite for marriage inequality. 'Toine is STILL going to eat that sandwich. 'Toine doesn't care if some say Chick-fil-A sandwiches are just breaded, hormone-pumped hate between two gay-hating buns, he's still going to eat! 'Toine is going to flick his micro braids and keep eating while not giving one shit what you think:
"I have uncles and aunties as well who does not approve of gay marriages and stuff like that, but they respect me. I don't care about one person's opinion or how they feel -- that's fine. Chick-fil-A makes good meals, and I eat there.
If I want to have a Chick-fil-A sandwich, guess what? I'm gonna have a Chick-fil-A sandwich."
Not everyone loved Antoine's response and so he made another video (below). Antoine said that he's not supporting Chick-fil-A's president's Waffle Fries 4 Jesus beliefs, he's supporting the regular people who work at the registers. 'Toine has his beliefs, you have your beliefs and again, he's gonna keep putting his mouth on that chicken sandwich:
"The people at the restaurant are sweet, and they greet me kindly. They treated me well, so how can I fault them? If we stop coming, them hardworking employees in that building no longer have jobs.
It's a picture in this world way bigger than what somebody -- one person or one group of people -- believe in."
Well, okay then, 'Toine, keep mouth fucking that chicken.
Now that we know what 'Toine thinks about this issue, I'm still waiting to hear from Sweet Brown, God Warrior, Spaghetti Cat, Chuck Testa and Rebecca Black. No but really, I really want to know what God Warrior has to say.
Magical seahorse Antoine Dodson is trying hard to break out of being that "Hide Yo Kids!" ho and so he put out a new ballad that sounds like something two robots would slow fuck to since his natural singing voice has been covered with so much auto-tune that what comes out of his mouth is the same shit that comes out of Rosie the Robot's mouth when she orgasms. Even though this auto-tuned to infinity and beyond mess is completely unnecessary and I just want to wear one of his plastic micro braids as a friendship bracelet, I hope this song goes triple Reynolds Wrap. 2012 really needs its own Tevin Campbell and 'Toine might be it.
And just like that, Basement Baby knows the real reason why the Belle of 'Bama Antoine Dodson journeyed down into the dusty den of the destitute to visit her. It wasn't to play a game of checkers using moth balls and bottle caps. It was to sneak into Beyonce's wig cellar and snatch one of her good ones to wear to the 15th Annual Webby Awards in NYC last night.
While Beyonce's bald head shivered in the cold, 'Toine turned up the heat to feverish levels and made everyone on the red carpet answer "OH MY Gawrsh YES!" to the question, "Would you ever runneth your tongue over the hung gums of Goofy's girlfriend?"
Lately, I've been whoresick for Hottie from Flavor of Love, but with those wide eyes, teef for days and fire hazard wig, 'Toine is definitely filling that void!
Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, hide yo weed, hide yo blunts! The sweetest seahorse of Alabama was put into handcuffs early this morning by cops who should be using their time to track down bed snatchers instead. TMZ reports that one of the original viral superstar sensations Antoine Dodson was pulled over in Alabama by the Huntsville PD who searched him and found marijuana. 'Toine was charged with speeding, failing to have insurance and misdemeanor marijuana possession. 'Toine was released a second later and he's already out there snatching smoke out of a bong with his mouth, because he could use a hit or two.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Let this be a lesson to all of us. When you go out into the world with an illegal drop of the good shit on your person, make sure whatever is on top of your head is looking mug shot ready fresh. Learn from Antoine's mistakes, you don't want to look like a Goofy-ized version of Willow Smith. Antoine doesn't have a thick layer of SAD across his face because he got arrested for some "you are really dumb fo' real" shit. He's weepy, because that sad wave on his head is playing a warped and busted version of "Whip My Hair." The Hunstville PD needs to do right by 'Toine and let him come back for "Do-Over Mug Shot Day."
The lesson today from Antoine Dodson's School of Southern Charm is that a true lady always keeps their pinkies out when handling an object that is hovering close to their mouths. Whether it's a microphone, a cup of Earl Grey tea or a hard dick, be a dainty lady and handle it with class. Now on to the inevitable...
TMZ has learned that Antoine has moved far from the Lincoln Park projects in Huntsville, Alabama and is now shooting his own reality show in West Hollywood, CA. The reality show follows Antoine as he makes the move from Alabama to try to become the newest color in the rainbow flag that flies high above WeHo. The pilot is produced by Entertainment One and is currently looking for a network to call home.
A bitch has to strike while the flat-iron is piping hot or else they'll have to scrounge for crumbs at the bottom of their 15-minutes (example: OctoMom), so 'Toine has to do what he needs to do to keep a Louis Vuitton bag at his side at all times. Somebody has to star in the reboot of The Surreal Life in 5 years and it might as well be 'Toine!
And whatever happened to Antoine's sister's almost rapist anyway? I'm surprised the evil motherfucker hasn't tried to sue the weave tracks off of Antoine's head for making all of this happen.
The 24k gold sparkle pony Antoine Dodson has taken his "Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wives" money all the way to the Swarovski store and it has put a Louis Vuitton bag on his arm. You can run and buy that, Antoine.
Those braids make Antoine look like he's about to attack the Alien queen , but since he's Hollywood now I'm going to guess that he's wearing them for his starring role in the remake of Jumpin' Jack Flash. Or for a Milli Vanilli biopic. I"ll take either one.
Wearing a brand new afro wig fresh from the polyester farm, the golden seahorse that is Antoine Dodson performed a holiday version of his auto-tuned hit "The Bed Intruder Song" called "The Chimney Intruder Song" on Lopez Tonight. I hope Antoine is making millions upon millions of dollars and I can't wait to see him perform "The Colostomy Bag Intruder Song" in 50 years, but this mess made me want to hide my speakers and hide my monitor. But I didn't hit the little x on my browser tab, because how can I shut the door on 'Toine's beautiful foundation-glazed face?
Here's the extra sweet seahorse Antoine Dodson greeting his loyal subjects outside of a UFC (?????) even in Detroit this past weekend. 'Toine shouldn't be surprised if Goofy comes sniffing up his glitter hole, because he's a Feria dye job away from becoming Sylvia Marpole.
Antoine Dodson's strut down the fame ho stroll just got a lot longer thanks to this infomercial for the bed intruder iPhone app (official name: sex offender tracker app)! Basic-leeeeee, it's a technolo-geeeeee and it's Toine in an app. Run and download that!
You know, I was sitting snuggly on the picket fence (It doesn't hurt, I've had pointier.) about Antoine's rise from the internet's sweetheart to America's sweetheart, but I'm going to swan dive onto Toine's side of the yard and join the fresh foolery. I cannot cross my arms and shake my head at Toine's game anymore. Here's hoping his milking of the diarrhea-ey cow called fame leads him all the way to being the new host of America's Most Wanted and/or To Catch A Predator! "You are so dumb! You are really dumb!" will be the new "Have a seat...".
And how can I not have love for Toine when he has inspired fucked up ridiculousness like this:
Hide yo puppies! Hide yo chew toys!